Dating a divorced guy with a teenage daughter. Urgent help needed?

I've been dating this Scottish guy for almost a year now. He moved to the US because he married to an American woman and she moved to UK with him but then ended up moving back a couple years later and they got divorced. He stayed here to watch after his daughter even if he doesn't have full custody of her. His daughter is 13 now and when he and I started dating, he told me he wants to move back to Scotland when his daughter turns 16. But after we met, he said he'd move back with me (after we get married) when I'll be done with my studies by the end of 2017 or so. He also said his daughter can come with him or stay here but it'll be her decision. That has always been his plan, moving back to his country and have his daughter go with him. So I told him recently we need to talk about that. I've only been in the US for about 6 years and never I planned to move to Scotland. If I want to move from the US, it'll be my home country. I'll be moving with him because I love him and I'll abandon my dream to be a medical missionary because he wants to settle in Scotland and be a church pastor. I also told him I want us to have a year or so to settle, have me get use to the culture, the people, new job, the marriage itself and I'm also planning to continue with my education once I move there... so it'll be a lot of changes for me and I'm not sure if I can afford to have a teenage who doesn't even like me or wants to say to me now moving with me and in to my new marriage and new home... I told him to move just the two of us and have him visit her here as much as needed and once we both get settle down, we'll have her come live with us. I'm not a bad person and I'm just worried and upset he's not trying to understand me and he wants everything his way.

He said she's moving with him when he leave or we won't have a future.
What should I do? I don't want to be selfish but if he ends up marrying me, it'll be his third marriage and first marriage for me. But I don't want it to be one of his failed marriages or anything of that sort...

I don't want to be selfish but at the same time, I want things to be fair and I want him to think about what I'm willing to sacrifice and I want him to compromise. I don't know if that's too much to ask. help pls


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  • If your not on the same page, don't marry him. Move on. Regardless if you love him. You shouldn't have to abandon your dream and compromise if this will help improve your life and your future. But at the same time, if you get married to him, where he goes, you go. He's the head of the household, that's it. You have the choice to follow those terms or don't. Your opinion do matter. But right now his daughter comes before you, always. He has to do what is best for her right now, as well as himself. To be honest I don't know what his beliefs are, but I'm against cohabitation before marriage, because if you can't realize the signs now before even moving with him, you won't be able to bare living with him. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Its not going to work like the way you want it.

    • We're both against cohabitation too and we'll be married before we move. I know has responsibilities towards her but I think what's bothering me is the fact that he just wants to dictate everything and not including in things that have to do with our future. He doesn't even know if she'd want to move or stay with her mother but his attitude is what's bothering me.
      Does is make me sound crazy or selfish to want him and I first move there at least for 3,6 months and have her move with that? It's so important to me that I start this with just the two of us. I say this because of the way his daughter is and also the drama that'd come along...
      Or the other option I am thinking is to have us stay here for 6 months or a year after we get married and she don't have to move with us but he still can get to see her like he does now.

    • @Asker

      Look you his daughter won't get along with you and he shows signs of problems, my judgment still stands. Let him go. Because you're getting into more and likely an abusive situation. He sounds controling if what your discribimg is truem But you have to realize you can't expect to leave her with her mom for only a few months. Its not going to work like that. It will just make her dislike you more.

  • Where's your home country? I'm guessing Middle East? That's where most of our physicians come from.