Do you think only people who are truly comfortable in their skin should date?

I know that some people get their strength and confidence by being validated by another person, by being liked by them, by being attracted to them, by being in a relationship with them, etc. To me, that is not ideal. I don't like the idea of needing someone to feel good and confident about yourself instead of taking the time and effort to really find that within yourself, to be your OWN rock. I think that being strong for yourself will make you a better partner and overall individual. So... given that train of thought, do you think that perhaps only those who are truly okay with who they are should enter the world of dating? And everyone else should just keep working on themselves until they're ready? I've been coming across a lot of guys who make me feel like I don't have my shit together lol. Just wondering if I should... step out for a bit.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It depends. Some people have no confidence and self worth so they end up being clingy self worth soul suckers with their partners. Those people should not date until they're comfortable with themselves. We can never get self worth and confidence from someone else. That has to come from within. To try is futile and it will only mentally and emotionally drain the people we are with until they leave us.

    Some people crave that feeling and admire it so much in others that they don't notice themselves falling into that routine. They may like a man or woman with traits they wish they had. That pursuit will be unsuccessful before you even begin because again, that strength is within all of us the whole time. That neediness will only lead to our own undoing.

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    • This is coming from a guy who doesn't pursue relationships in general so maybe it should be taken with a grain of salt.

    • I can definitely tell that I want some of the traits that I'm coming across in the people I'm meeting... just not sure if these are traits that I need to adopt myself. It's like... I'm stuck between admiration and trying to figure out if I need to become more like them to lead a better life.

    • Maybe you need to give yourself some time to sort out those feelings? Maybe you could take it slow with someone and try to judge yourself objectively along the way. Some people need to experience things to understand themselves more.

Most Helpful Girl

  • This is actually a really good question, something that I sometimes think about. So to answer your question, "yes". But you can be comfortable in your skin but meet a guy and he will have you doing things that may be out of character for you. I feel that a lot of women change who they are to keep a guy around. You can be comfortable in your skin and date a guy where you do not have to change who you are. I find that when dating a lot of men want to change a females outlook on things instead of taking the females personality as is.

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    • Great points. I do find myself presenting myself differently with different guys I like. It's odd. I'm not sure why I can't be the same person with all people. I mean, I noticed I do this with everyone, not just guys that I'm interested in.

    • Of course staying true to who you are is important. But since when is compromising bad?

    • "But you can be comfortable in your skin but meet a guy and he will have you doing things that may be out of character for you. I feel that a lot of women change who they are to keep a guy around."

      No one makes you do anything

      " I find that when dating a lot of men want to change a females outlook on things instead of taking the females personality as is."

      Almost always the other way around.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 20

  • Love is like a bridge. And like any bridge, it requires two stable structures, for if any one structure is crumbling and desperately trying to keep itself together, then naturally there cannot be any bridge.

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    • So then you are a proponent of stepping out of the game for a while?

    • Hm, I wouldn't necessarily say that. I would say set your life on "coast." Live your life, if you find someone you are interested in, take it slow, absorb and reflect on the things about them that you would like to apply to your own life, but don't go head over heels desperate for their attention like some other people do. And don't entirely block yourself out from relationships either, choose a nice middle ground in between.

    • I see the logic in that approach- it's just hard for me to coast. Lol. I like to know exactly where things are going, what they mean... coasting is so relaxed, and that's just really challenging for me.

  • No one truly has all of their shit together. And you do need people who can support you. As long as you know that only you can truly be responsible for your happiness, there is nothing wrong with gaining strength, confidence, love, and support from a partner.

    In my experience, when taking big steps in life, if you wait until you are fully ready, you will never accomplish anything.

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    • The last sentence of your response- I thought that way too... I just think it's hard to be truly responsible for your own happiness if you have a partner.

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    • Hmmm... I think you make really good points. I guess the way they're presenting themselves is a bit intimidating, but maybe they do that because they think it attracts women.

    • Guys do know that confidence attracts women, and have always been taught by society to never show weakness.

      One other thing you might have overlooked is that men are biologically wired to "protect" women and be that "rock" of security and stability. So it might just be a natural behavior.

      I've always viewed men and women as complementary, otherwise what is the benefit of having a partner when you possess the same qualities?

  • You're still in school. That's sort of a no-judgement zone as far as having your life together. And the basics in life are laughably easy, all the more so with the money you'll have.

    The really difficult parts are due to the fact that we are short-lived, emotional, habit-forming biological beings that will for sure break down and then fail with varying amounts of terminal pain.

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    • But I'm not looking at fellow students as potential partners. I'm looking at older guys or guys who are in different fields that aren't in school anymore. So, in that way, it isn't really a no-judgment zone. I'll be in debt for several years too, unlike many of these guys.

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    • Lol. Family practice is so hard to set up these days. It's a money pit. Dude, medicine is not what it used to be 50 years ago.

      But I'm not Type A. So it's hard for me to get along with people like that. They stress me out. Type A dudes irritate me.

    • My doctor has always set up his office like a walk-in so he always has a line of 20 people waiting and he just knocks them out a few min each patient. No idea what OHIP pays per visit but unless he wants his own Gulfstream, he's probably set for life easily.

      Well obviously, they're still your competition hahaha.

  • I get your approach, and have been told that myself. I don't think it's that simple either. Firstly, sex is something males HAVE to have. It is not something we can wait for, more than the horrific and unnatural amount of time that most single men already do.

    Sex shouldn't be for validation. Sure. And I'm interested to see what you think is the way to 'undo' that dynamic. However, I consider developmental psychology to explain the deeply rooted case of this behavior. And that need might have been triggered by events in ones childhood as early as 4, 5 or 6 years old. From bad parenting, or discrimination, for example. Which of course, isn't the kids fault. Undoing that will take some doing.

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  • If you were to word your question differently and ask if people should perhaps first find comfort in themselves before dating then my answer would have been yes, but since you said "should only people who do X date" then the answer is no. There is and never will be such a thing as restrictions on dating - everyone with some form of confidence will try it. To prohibit them from it if they are lacking in some area will only cause trouble.

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  • Sure there's merit to this. That way you actually have something of high value to bring to a relationship. An LTR is about giving, being in a place in your life where you want to share it with someone. Not someone to 'make you happy' - cuz they ain't gonna do that and then you'll want to split to try someone else. After you suck the life out of them.

    Be someone successful in whatever you aspire to. Make something of your self. Then you'll be happy and well adjusted and can deal with the ups and downs of an LTR. It's a lot harder to rock the boat when it's always steady.

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  • The problam is that some people don't feel entirely well in their skin when they're single... man is a social animal!
    So in some cases that may be contradictory. But indeed, dating in a good atmosphere may be difficult if you're not happy today :o
    Life is beautiful though so let's be happy :D :D :D

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  • yes i do think like that.
    everyone should first learn to love themselves first, know their worth, and learn to enjoy their company more than others, then they should think of dating.
    i'd advice you to first find yourself, start loving yourself, know your worth, and learn to enjoy your company more than others.

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  • Some argue that the purpose of a commited relationship is to better each other.

    A good marriage is often one where the husband is a better man with his wife in his life and vice versa.

    If you follow that mindset, an ideal boyfriend is one who will help strengthen what isn't up to par.

    (Obviously, people should be stable when starting a relationship though)

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  • I think anyone should be able to date

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  • Yes, because easy come, easy go. I've been with several "clingies" and the breakups are way too much drama (usually ending in a morgue or suicide ward) since without a partner they are nothing (in their minds). Really no one should need anyone else to "complete" them, they should be self-sufficient or be their own rock like you said.

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  • No, because that would be counter-productive. People can't feel better about themselves without social interaction and reinforcement of their attractiveness. I've taken 2 years of college psychology and this is how self-esteem actually works.

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  • Nope, everyone deserves the right to date.

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  • I think you're right in a way, but at point do you then open yourself up to having relationships, and what if you miss your one opportunity with your soulmate

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  • Maybe. But how's that gonna help the people that aren't? Are they supposed to just get old and die?

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  • i need validation and hence i cannot date

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  • Not really up to me

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  • Who the fuck are you to tell someone they shouldn't date because they aren't comfortable in their own skin... stupid vile woman that you are

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  • A lot of people perhaps half would never date then.

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  • Your may be looking at more successful guys that you are but you might as well if you like dating them.
    Women like to date up financially / success wise so your facing more competition. I'm studying software development but most of the guys i know from an engineering community group im part of have no trouble finding women dispite there being very few in there field because there working and there mostly at least relatively successful.

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    • Being pessimistic you may never be successful so if you like dating now then you might as well date.

What Girls Said 6

  • but in the end everyone has his insecurities and demons
    you ll almost never reach that ideal state of mind.
    and some people who are confident in general are hesitant in these kind of situations because of lack of experience. so actually putting themselves out there will do them good.
    it s like someone who s going to ski for the fist time, you re gonna go see him jumping off the cliff and arriving with a sleek finish.
    he s going to be hesitant, awkward self conscious cause it is his first time

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  • I think you shouldn't date someone UNLESS you're comfortable with yourself other wise your view of yourself is based on them and what would happen if the break up

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  • Who is truly comfortable in their own skin? Everyone has insecurities. It's a fact of life. If it's at a point where it interferes with say you choosing to go out with some friends, dating, or how you treat people or feel others treat you or if you are emotional about it, that's a problem. that wouldn't be healthy in any relationship. In marriage, you accept each other's insecurities and flaws but you don't use your own as an excuse for a certain behavior or action. The key to any good relationship is personal accountability. It sounds like you have it, are you sure the men you are seeking relationships with are your type and mature enough for a relationship with you?

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  • I agree that insecure people have no business imposing their burden of baggage upon others. How can we be there for another if we aren't there for ourselves?

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  • no. I think it could help a person become comfortable. it's possible a person may never be completely comfortable and they still deserve to find a wonderful partner.

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  • Of course not

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