Started dating a new girl, she never texts first. Should I be concerned?

Long story short: Boy meets girl, both have an instant connection. Talk for hours. Go on first date weeks later. According to both, hit it off like never before. Been on 4 dates (started dating 2 weeks ago), but every date has been an almost all day thing which has resulted in sleeping over as well. Guy is crazy about the girl and the girl seems the same way. She tells him that he's an amazing guy and that she'll never find a guy like him. She'll randomly just stop whatever she's doing and look deep into his eyes and say she's so glad she met him and that she really likes him. Questions doing a research opportunity that would take her away for a few months in a year because of said guy. Said guy is moving in a year as well and she's dropped hints that she'd be willing to move if it came down to it. Basically when together things could not possibly be going any better.

There are problems though. She has a history of cheating, history of self harm and depression, she's also hot and cold, she just got out of a relationship, doesn't seem to know what she wants. She never texts unless I do and I have gone several days without contacting her and when I do it's short and to the point. She's told me that her cousin is coming to visit her for the next 3 weeks so not to worry if she goes mia. I'm not planning on texting her first, but I just don't feel like I'm a priority in her life if she can go 3+ days without contacting me, even a simple hey thinking of you is more than enough. Am I just being clingy or is this something to actually be concerned about?

Updates:
2 days ago while walking with my friends we ran into her and her cousin by chance. We greeted each other (hug and kiss on the lips) and I met her cousin. It all happened so quick and it threw me off. It was basically a quick hi and bye. I texted her right afterand she replied back. She texted me yesterday morning and we had a few texts back and forth throughout the day. I now do think she's interested, but is the type who ner texts much (she warned me about this on our 1st date).
I just called her for Valentine's day. We hadn't communicated since the run in. The convo was pretty
short and it was pretty meh, I think I caught her at a bad time since I woke her up (she's on nigh shifts at the moment). I actually ended up asking her if we're good (too many mixed signals) and she said we are and that she warned me she was going to go silent while her cousin was visiting. Whatever, I can think about this once things go back to normal.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • If the only concern was the texting and there was nothing else, I'd say it was maybe a little clingy. But combined with everything else, I understand the concern.

    I'd be more concerned about the history of cheating, than the texting. How long ago was that? And how long ago was her recent breakup, and how important was the relationship she just got out of? How long ago was the self harm and depression? I wouldn't judge her for these things, but knowing whether they are the distant past and she's long since overcome them, or still part of the present, is gonna be important.

    Also, going mia for 3 weeks is just, a lot of mia time. She seems a bit selfish almost... have you noticed any self-absorbed behaviors, ways of thinking or ways of approaching things at all? Maybe something to keep an eye on.

    If it were me, I'd still make time to text the guy I like at least a little, even if my cousin was in town. I'd probably invite him out WITH my cousin so we could all hang out, now that I'm thinking of it. You said she's hot and cold, doesn't know what she wants... maybe she's just not really ready for a new relationship.

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    • Her breakup was very recent, just a month ago. We actually met when she was still with her ex then she broke up with him a few days later. They were together for 4 years and she was very unhappy for most of it. She had tried breaking up several times, but he kept coming back. She said she had mentally checked out half a year before the breakup and she just couldn't work up the courage to end it. She didn't say exactly when she cheated on him, but from the sounds of it it was in that time period. As for her depression and self harm, all I know is that she's been depressed for the last decade. She told me she's still on anti-depressants, but thinks she doesn't need them anymore.

      It's just so incredibly disappointing. I've never had things go this well this fast and she told me the same and from everything she did I really believed her. We had honest and very deep conversations about her past and mine and also things that worried us about each other etc. I really thought we had our

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    • Bro how many times have you read Corey Wayne? If you did read his book he warns about getting emotionally involved with girls who just came off break ups. They are having a burst of emotions so they are going to be hot and cold. You are likely the rebound guy or mental distraction. I know that's not what you want to hear but that's what I'm seeing from a outside perspective. Don't invest yourself at all this point or you are going to be the one with a broken heart.

    • I only say this because I've had this bullshit pulled on me before. It's much better to leave disappointed than broken-hearted.

Most Helpful Guy

  • You had me at (History of cheating, history of self harm, and depression and not to mention she is hot and cold) LOL. .. I like Doritos they are really good they quench my cheesy corn tortilla desires... but if I open the bag and they are stale or broken into little pieces.. I am sorry but I'm getting another bag... life is too short to eat stale crumbs. Move on.

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 6

  • you will be concerned looks like this girls is just using you to move on from her past relationship. if she really likes you a text or a call is not a problem. even her cousin is not a road block she just use her cousin to have an excuse. i think things get to fast for both of you and you really didn't get to know her well. from what you said about her past i think she is capable of making people hanging or left them in the air. i think you should start to move on, because you will not get anything from her.

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    • Thank you, that helps a lot and it's something I'll bring up to her because it is one of my concerns as well. I'm crazy about this chick and it sucks that I met her when I did. I wish I met her after she had a few months to break it off with her ex.

  • Sounds like she's trying not to appear too clingy despite really liking you. Texting first thing is bullshit that girls are told not to do all the time.

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  • I feel she is not ready for a new relationship. I think, maybe, she has too much to juggle right now in her life. Maybe she needs someone to help her get through it. You are probably better off being her friend right now more so than her boyfriend. However, maybe that is not what you want. Or maybe that is not what she wants.

    Honestly, if she truly wanted to date you she would contact you. I mean, if it was me and the guy initiated the conversation last time I would start it next time. It does not sound like she is playing hard to get.

    Hope this help!!

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    • That's what I'm worried about too and we have talked about this issue several times already. She's assured me that I'm not just a rebound and that she really likes me and everything she's said and done has confirmed that up until now. Something is just off, she's either lying about how she feels, has gotten cold feet, is using me, or her ex is back in the picture.

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    • We've talked about me being a rebound, actually talked about it a couple minutes after our first kiss as well as other times (she even asked me on our last night together if I was still worried about being a rebound and I said yes). She knows it's one of my biggest fears with her (the other is cheating due to her past history and the fact that I've been cheated on in the past). We've had very open communication since we first started dating, I guess that doesn't prevent things from happening the way they are. I've started considering maybe taking a break from her if she keeps being hot and cold, until she figures out her shit and what she wants because it's frustrating to deal with. One moment she's telling me I'm an amazing guy and incredible and that she really likes me and bam she goes cold for whatever reason. We even had a talk the night of our last date that really calmed me down. She asked me how things were going with the other girls I was dating (she knew about them even

    • before our first date) and I told her that I broke it off with them after our first date because I didn't see the need to keep seeing them since I had her now, but I didn't want to tell her about it until she asked because I didn't want to pressure her into anything she wasn't comfortable with. Then we got to a conversation talking about what we wanted (can't remember much since we were tipsy), but anyway I had mentio something about it takes two to tango and she said she wanted to tango with me, it honestly sounded as if we agreed on being together or keep dating. Sorry, if that's confusing, it's confusing for me as well since the memory is very hazy.

  • She's insecure so she looks for you to reach out to her first. She should open up more and feel more comfortable texting first over time. I'm dealing with tha same thing with a guy. Started talking 6 weeks ago, and I have had to initiate messaging first ever since we first hung out (hung out twice). It makes me worried that he's not into me or talking to me. πŸ˜•

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    • It scares me a lot too. Like I'm sure if I texted her right now she'd reply back in a timely manner, but fuck I shouldn't always be the one initiating everything first. Especially after you tell me that you're going to be distant for the next 3 weeks because your cousin is coming over to visit. That just sounds like a lame excuse. I had my sister visiting me (she's still visiting me) and even had exams on top of that but I still made time for her, it's frankly just a pile of bs and I can't even call her out on it because it's too early and I'll come off as an over analyzing clinger.

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    • I could easily do that and that's actually the type of person I am. The only reason I didn't do that is because I felt like I was coming off as too clingy. Either way I'm just going to take a backseat for the next couple weeks and see how things pan out when her cousin leaves.

    • I don't blame you. I'm going through the same thing with a guy right now, and it gets tiring being the one to initiate all the time.

  • The same way a guy lies it when a girl texts first a girl likes the same with a guy texting first. My suggestion would be to keep texting her first but bring it up!

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  • Yes, because if someone never initiates contact I just assume they feel indifferent towards me , and that I'm never on their mind.

    Sometimes people get used to you initiating, so they become complacent and don't bother. I'd stop intiating contact. If she cares , she'll text you. If not, then you know where you stand with her

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    • Yea I'm not texting her unless she does, I hate that I'm this vulnerable right now.

What Guys Said 14

  • Any relationship that does not include DAILY communication from both, is no real relationship. Sorry but boy should be careful as girl already has a history and this all seems very suspicious.

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    • Yea she's just not 100% in it, it's very disappointing to say the least.

  • QUIT THE TEXTING THING.
    Oh my fucking god. You young people don't understand that you cannot build a relationship by texting someone. There's no emotion, you can't read any body language, you miss half of what is being communicated.
    Just use it to arrange your next meeting up IN REAL LIFE.
    And you've been listing to WAY too much of her emotional bullshit. Foggedaboudit. Just arrange a date and go out and have some fun.

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    • That's what I have been doing, it will just be nice to hear from her so we can plan the next date.

  • Personally I wouldn't be able to be with someone that has a history of cheating. I think you should be concerned. Women are glued to their phones most of the time.

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    • She's never on her phone when with me and even said early on that she's not good with keeping in touch with people. Still though.

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    • then don't bother with her

    • Easier said than done. Hard to cut off someone who you've felt the strongest connection with, I have to see how this plays out otherwise I'm going to regret it for a very long time.

  • If you can talk for houra Talk then why you waiting for a text

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    • I want to see what I mean to her. She knows that I really like her and I have always been the one doing the pursuing, it's her turn now though to show me she's willing to step up for me. She can't expect me to always be the one chasing and I refuse to be with someone who's not willing to make me a priority.

  • Once a cheater, always a cheater.
    jump ship matey

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    • I've been considering it and the only reason I haven't is because I've never had more instant chemistry with someone before.

  • Those kinda girls that never text first are trouble. They will always make you feel less than what you are. Useless sacks of potatoes.

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  • Maybe she is just waiting for you bro, just ask her about it

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    • I awlays text first and she ended our previous text convo plus she told me she was going to go mia for the next couple weeks. It's not my turn, I just want to see that she actually cares about me and doesn't just make pretend she does. It's crazy, when we're together she's SO ridiculously into me, I thought thibgs were going crazy well. It's actually really disappointing. I've never been more into a girl this fast before and its all come crushing down.

    • Tell her that

    • she already knows that I've never liked a girl more this fast before and she tells me it's the same for her and she has no idea what to do. I really don't want to bring this texting issue up because it's so early on and I don't want to come off as clingy considering how fast we're already moving.

  • The not talking every day isn't a big deal right away. I'm not a big fan of contacting my girlfriend everyday. Sometimes people like there space, but her history seems of a concern. Have you stated this problem to her?

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    • She's told me early on that she's not good at keeping in contact with people and has given me a heads up that she's going to be distant while her cousin is distant. We've gone into deep discussions about her past as well and we've talked about my concerns pertaining it. That's the thing, we've only been seeing each other for such a short time but we really seem to get each other and communicate properly... well up until now.

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    • I think she just doesn't know what she wants. I know she really likes me, it's so obvious. However, there are other factors that are affecting her decisions. I'm leaving in a year and she doesn't want me to leave. She's probably going to have to leave for research work for a few months as well and she told me that I'm the type of guy that if she saw afterwards she'd fall for instantly again. She's also said that she was really looking forward to being single but I ruined that for her haha.
      So yea I think she's just unsure of everything.

    • Those possible reasons in her being distant. She doesn't want to be hurt or still has some doubts of having a serious relationship. She might think you guys are moving to fast.

  • Yeah I would never date a cheater as well. She may go missing when her cousin comes? Really? Not worth your time.

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  • Aske her about it confront see how she answers

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  • She dont like u

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    • It's not as black and white as that. She does like me, believe me she wouldn't be doing the stuff she's been doing with me if she didn't like me.

    • I know i was just kidding lol

  • She has all the "tells" that her ex hasn't let go and she still comms with him
    This is not a cousin coming - it's a reconciliation trial with ex to see if can stick this time, since "he's reformed" and trying to be a good boy (unless he gets her again, then reverts to bad, as usual)
    been there done that

    You will reject this to-do but unless you steal her away to a desert island ASAP, all you can do is wait it out for the union to fail once again, then wait more for her to desperately calling you to fill the void. After that, she'll be more aggressive toward you.

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    • I think the same and there's mkre to this story than I've lead on. Here's some interesting info: On our second date she said I couldn't stay over because her ex was going to come pick his things up early morning and she didn't want there to be an awkward situation. On our last date she also revealed to me that he had actually stayed over for a few nights since he had no other place to stay (so basically lied to me about him just coming over to pick up his stuff). She said that he was staying at the guest bedroom... yea I didn't buy it either. She also slipped up and said that he kept contacting her to try and take her cat. So she's definitely still in contact with him. A big part of me really wants to walk, but I've also never clicked this well and this fast with a girl before and that's the only reason I'm sticking it out. My hands are pretty tied too, I can't just be like "hey you've only known me for a few weeks but you better stop talking with your ex who you had been with for 4yrs

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    • Agree - nothing else to do but walk and see if she eventually gets free enough to walk after you.

      Know this - sometimes it clicks so well because they are not being themselves! YOu are clicking with an actress playing a part to see if she might find something better than a leach.

      If it's too good to be true... right?

    • UPDATE:
      If you go make a surprise visit to the cousin & her, you'll never know the truth
      and continuing to pine over a super covert gal that is disrespecting you on SO many levels NONE of which include LOVE

  • buy Corey Wayne's "3% man book" (or download it on audible) and do it NOW! You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt with this girl. Sure it's fun and exciting right now but you are not in the drivers seat. She is going eventually dump you. The fact she never texts you first after 4 dates is a VERY bad sign.

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    • Have known him for a while, I've been following his advice for a loooong time with other girls as well. Hence why I'm not texting her.

    • Good. He's not perfect but he knows more than 99% of the guys on here.

    • I can feel your pain about the confusion. But a girl with a high interest level will reach out.

  • Maybe you're clingy, she seems fine not talking everyday so just go with it, lots of guys do this to girls

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    • yea I'm going to see where it goes. It's just that from previous experience when a girl behaves the way she does around me my phone is usually getting blown up by her, this girl though seems to be the opposite. It's giving me cold feet and making me second guess everything.

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    • Yeah that's a good idea, she seems more old fashioned so that could be a good thing, I'm not on any of that media stuff either but text more than her I bet, but out of curiosity I was wondering where or how you met?

    • We met on an airplane ride, I've posted a few questions on her before as well.

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