Should I run the other way?

I have a question.

My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year. We spend a lot of time together but do not live together. We have talked about moving in but really are not quite ready. When ever we go out to eat, movies, etc. He never pays for me. We ALWAYS split the bill 50/50. I do not expect him to pay for me all the time but I am just wondering if this is a warning sign. He never initiates dates or makes plans, I am always the one to suggest and he just goes along with it.

Also, about 5 months ago I looked at the history of his computer and found that he had created a fake dating account and was looking at other girl's profiles. He claims he was just bored and was just curious. We spend almost all of our time together so I know he hasn't cheated on me but it bothers me that he was looking. Also, just today I looked at his Facebook account and found him sending messages to other girls at like 2:30 a.m. when I was out of town. The message said "Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while, what's new?" I understand I shouldn't be looking at either of those things and under normal circumstances he is very sweet to me but I am just wondering if he is looking for a way out.

It may be easy for someone to see and I may not be able to see what's right in front of me. Please offer me some advice.


I also want to add that he is very sweet to me, he brings me flowers and is very attentive to me. He is a very caring guy I just think he may not be ready to settle down.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't see why you should bring up the "we split 50/50" thing and the fact that he's not paying for you on anything. Why would he? I mean, it's not like you're in a relationship where you share resources (i.e. living together). If you expect your boyfriend to pay for you on stuff then there's something utterly wrong about the way your outlook about relationships is.

    However, I guess the fact that he's talking to other girls bothers you - it should. In actuality, every guy does that, whether he is in a relationship or not - it's the truth. Guys always look for options around them consciously or unconsciously, it is programmed in their DNA (girls by the way, aren't any different).

    As for not initiating anything, I guess that's an issue because you'd expect a guy to lead and initiate - but some guys like comfort and like things to flow. He might be expecting you to bring all the going out ideas and relationship dynamics because you're possibly better in it than him - it doesn't make him less committed than you are.

    On a final note, if he wanted to break up, he would - but you said he's very sweet to you and attentive, which is the opposite of being indifferent and uncaring that are in fact indications of "wanting out".

    What you should be asking yourself is, do YOU want out? Maybe you're looking at the negative things, feel like this relationship isn't what you thought it would be and whether you're aware of it or not trying to rationalize breaking up with him yourself? Perhaps you have a side in you that wants to break up but you feel guilty about it and wish to find justification?

    I am not trying to be the bad person telling you evil stuff, but I have some understanding in social psychology and there's nothing wrong with some reflection as long as you look at things rationally and consider the facts. In the end, if you love your boyfriend and you're attracted to him, you'll stay together (if he reciprocates). If not, you'll break up.

    Cheers and good luck.

    • Immensely impressed with your english skills (not trying to be racist) but most people that come on this site with names like: "Argil" and are of a different race than american, really lack in their literature.

      Sorry if it offends you, but I meant it as a compliment.

    • Show All
    • Avihool : "consciously or unconsciously, it is programmed in their DNA (girls by the way, aren't any different)."

      Actually I do not look at anyone -at all,...i suppose people might but maybe not all.. I have only been in love once & I did not want to be, but I was really amazed I could not even force myself to find anyone else attractive...i just do not look, its like those things they put on horses so they can only look in front - I just do not see anyone else ..

      but a 4 the rest - I agree :)

    • Girls aren't "predators" like guys are, naturally, so they don't just look at any guy who crosses by. But I am quite sure it occurs once in a while that a guy catches your fancy and you wish to be around him - whether you have or have not a boyfriend.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • Doesnt sound like there's anything wrong, I mean a guy is entitled to talk with people outside of his relationship guys and girls alike, which also means you are too, now on the other hand if he complains about you talking to guys, then its a problem. If I was going to do anything I would either ask him why he never asks you out on a date or simply just not ask him on any keep in touch just don't ask him out, and maybe he'll come around, of course it could push him a way too, but its your choice, you know him better than we do.

  • if your pushing settling down that could be freaking him out a little...back it off a little and stay with the way things are, or maybe suggest that you want to move in with each other so you can have some more fun with each other...if you know what I mean...spice things up :P

  • he is only "very" sweet to you because he still wants to get laid by you...if you want to see what it sounds like to other what you sent with comprehension of each sentence and important sentence..stop and understand each...if he just started talking to girls on the internet before, you went of town, that must mean, he was trying to hook up or something...why so late...why make yourself worry when the proof is there

  • Depends on what you are looking for in the relationship, he may not be into you, if he is looking at other girls and contacting other girls this would indicate he is not happy in the relationship and not thinking its going to be a long term realtinship.

    Usually one partner leads and makes more of an effort going out etc dates. Sounds like he is not looking for a long term relatinship, wants to date play the field etc. If you want a long term relationship, family etc maybe move on, maybe you can find someone who will treat you better etc or meet your expectations of what a realtinship should be if you are not happy...


What Girls Said 7

  • If he's already 50/50 in your relationship he sees you as an equal. Which is A GOOD THING! Guys look at other girls - that's how it is and will always be. It's programmed into them. Talk to him about it and let him know you're uncomfortable with it. If he doesn't care or gets upset THEN I would worry.

    You guys seem to have a nice relationship to me. A mature relationship. Even married men will look at an attractive woman. He's not looking for anyone else its just something he notices and peaks interest. Just as if a woman were to see an amazingly hot guy - she's going to glance and think, "Oh he's very handsome". Then at the end of the day you don't remember or think anything about it. Same with guys.

    As far as him talking to another girl she could have been an old friend or even a distant family member. I say move in with him - the worst that could happen is that you move out and put the relationship on hold. There is no point in giving up before you try. Love is hard to find - true love is harder - Make sure you take the necessary steps for you not to look back in the years to come and think to yourself, "He was the one that got away".

    Best of luck

    bnwsmile - Mom of 3 and I've been with my husband for 11 amazing years.

    • Also, I wanted to add that maybe deep down you're the one that has a fear of moving in with HIM. NOT the other way around. Maybe you are afraid of potential failure at this relationship or living with a partner all together? Who knows?! Test the water to see if the temperature needs to be raised :)

  • Girl! RUN THE OTHER WAY! He is not that into you. The bullcrap someone told you about guys looking at other girls etc etc is programmed into their dna is NOT an excuse! Guys love to use that and I hate to see girls give them a pass for it. The kind things he does for you is just him going through the motions. He wants to keep you around; not because he really likes you and wants to be with you but because he enjoys the benefits of having a girlfriend. Run girl run because you can't change him.

  • He was not being sweet. He was being a user. I HOPE he's gone. They are always nice when they want something. Hugz.

  • Run the other way, the other girls stuff is normal but he doesn't even try at your guys relationship. That's a big deal right there

    • "I also want to add that he is very sweet to me, he brings me flowers and is very attentive to me."

      He does a lot more than most and she should cherish what he DOES do for her NOT what he doesn't.

      One of my favorite quotes:

      You're blessed not by material things but by the love and legacy you leave behind.

      Count your blessings no matter how few and far between. The grass is usually duller on the other side :)

    • Oh well I didn't see that. If he's trying at your relationship then stay, he obviously loves you

  • ive gone through that before and its hard to let go or to hear this but maybe he got bored or isn't interested anymore. tlk to him abt how you feel. just a suggestion

  • well I think he needs to adjust in relationships what guy doesn't pay for his girlfriend that he's been going out for a year with to me he sounds disrespectful and you deserve someone better than that and if he loved you he would move in with you at the right time that's opinions.

  • You just said that you think he may not be ready to settle down. I think you are right. The fact that your boyfriend never pays for you, has never pied for you and doesn't initiate plans says that he is not that serious about you. Not that he doesn't like you but not to the level that I think you would deserve. Well I can't tell you what to do, but personally I wouldn't take a guy like this seriously and I wouldn't date him long.

    I know it sounds "old fashioned" and I'm not suggesting that a man has to pay for everything all the time, but if you run into a guy who never treats you then he isn't head over heels for you ya know? When a man really wants to show a woman appreciation and likes her a lot, he will do stuff like that. He might be comfortable in the relationship and enjoy being with you but I would not assume that he is looking at you as a "keeper". Sorry but when a guy is really really invested he will put more effort into your relationship.