I've become so insecure in dating that it's ruining my dating life and attempts with guys... I ruin things before they even start?

I've had terrible experience with guys. I know I am part to blame because I tend to go after guys who are unnattainable or jerks. Because I'm attractive, I am asked out a lot too so I feel more pressure to go out. But I've never been successful. I'm 22 and never had a real boyfriend. So many "almosts." I've had my stupid moments of being used as well. Increasingly I've become more anxious with guys. I'm the kind of woman who once I see what I want, I go after it. I'll ask him out, I'll show interest, etc. however, my insecurities show and scare guys off. I like being in control because I want to prevent being hurt, but it's ruining things before they happen. I took a month break from dating, met a guy last week who has sparked my interest. I went out on a limb and messaged him first. He didn't respond for a few hours bc he was probably busy, yet in that time I was freaking out. Messaged my friends saying I was dooomed for life. All my past regrets and experiences came back to me, like a flood of dread. I thought he must think I'm disgusting, he won't ever respond, then further to I will never meet anyone or have success with guys, I felt nauseous and my legs were weak, and all because he didn't respond right away. Mostly because I had just been through a lot of shit with a guy for the past year and all those feelings and memories resurfaced. And before him I had a string of terrible experiences. I don't know what to do because I like this guy but I fear I will ruin it before it starts, once again like I always do.


Most Helpful Guy

  • From a relationship coaching lens, I can tell you that lack of confidence and clinging to past experiences are the two biggest reasons why women have unsuccessful dating habits. Until you fully find your confidence and are able to move past bad experiences, you will always be in this fold.

    • But aren't there different kinds of confidence? I'm confident in some areas but with guys I am not.

    • There are. I'm referring to confidence in yourself as it applies to guys and dating.

Most Helpful Girl

  • If you constantly happen to approach jerks or unattainable, then that's not luck. Maybe there is something wrong with the way you choose your potential partners.


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What Guys Said 2

  • You're insecure because you have reached any success. Confidence is acquired through hardships and moving past them. You're attractive but that alone isn't going to give you confidence like most people think. My girlfriend is a knockout and struggled with her confidence a good portion of her life.

    You need to find your niche and just let things fall in place. When you're loving life and kicking ass at it, then the right people come in and seem to join you.

    You also need to realize that having control of situation for your reasoning are a huge turn off. You might not think it's too obvious but I've grown to see that things in transparency. If you're a dominant person by nature, and it's genuine, then I'll be able to tell. If you're insecure and have to take control over everything for the reasoning, then I can tell. Guys are more observant than you think.

    Something that you should recognize is not everyone that you don't get along with in the dating world is a jerk. Compatibility is a huge variable that comes into play with dating. Take the following as a scenario in context...

    A girl breaks up with a guy because he thinks he is a jerk. The guy ends up thinking that she is a complete bitch. Do you really think that is true? Possibly, but it's most likely due to compatibility. When you emotionally invest in someone, things can become messy. It's never an easy ride, and for those reasons people take these things as a personal attack onto them. This isn't true. In reality it's just the fact that they are not compatible and they both ended up getting hurt.

    Just a few things to consider...

    • I don't think you know my dating history. The guys have been jerks. It isn't because they lose interest and break things off. That's different. I'm saying spooning me words and using me for sex and my car and then abandoning me like I'm just some young booty thing. That's not nice. That's being a jerk. Or how about a guy who destroys furniture with a hammer in front of me and blames me, and has uncontrollable anger, who comes to my work to make sure I am not talking to any guys and if I am he yells at me. Sure, that's not a jerk either right?

    • Well I think the first thing you need to do is stop playing the victim card as if guys just keep taking advantage of you. You wanted my opinion, I gave it. Don't try to fight me all the way with this victim mentality.

      If you are continuously getting with guys like that, then you have bad judgement. It's as simple as that. There are plenty of decent guys out there. It's not rational to say the issue is every guy in the world and not you. You have to change your approach and use better judgement if you want a different outcome. Look at yourself and try to be more observant of your own actions. Then make a diligent effort to fix the issue.

      It's to be considered insanity to do the some repetitive actions and expect a different outcome. Again, the issue isn't every guy in the world. That's not rational. The issue is you.

  • You reap what you sow, sister. That's all there is to say on the matter. Good looks seems the only thing going for you.


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