Every time a new guy approaches me I give him a run down of what I won't accept. How much of turn off is this?

I don't have time for b. s. Idc how nice a guy seems they will still probably fuck you over. So I've started giving a simple list when a guy wants my time.

1. No children. No girlfriend or wife. No other girls you're casually seeing.
2. I don't have sex on the first, second, even third date. Probably not until I feel like I know you.
3. If you're not trying to take time to get to know me and just want sex, don't even try.

I've been single for a long time but my life has been drama free. I just wanna know how much this turns you off.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • That is not natural... who in the world would be attracted to a vibe like that! Here are my rules? No THANKS

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    • Meh they aren't rules, just what I don't want. And I don't present them off the back, just when we've been talking for a while and they want to hang out. I don't like getting to know anyone who has multiple people he's screwing with.

    • Why do you automatically presume they are screwing multiple people? Guys really aren't that lucky haha.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think that's perfectly acceptable and I sort of admire you for doing that. Not many women have the strength to voice their wants like that.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 102

  • From a relationship coaching lens, I love that you know what you need but there are different and healthier ways of expressing your needs. Also, timing matters. If the first thing a guy hears from you is a list of demands, do, or dont's--high maintenance and diva come to mind, even if you're neither.

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    • I wait until we've talking for a while and he expresses he wants to hang out.

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    • I try not to be aggressive but I have come off that way before.

    • Sounds like a good approach to me. Some guys will get turned off this but frankly, you don't want those guys anyway--they are the type that'll always want to be in control.

  • I think it's good and you probably do help with not wasting time. It's certainly understandable. Depending how you tell the guy though, you might come off as "bitchy" (even if it's not intended to be). Or a guy might think you're "high maintenance" because right off the bad your listing off things to him. Again, it just depends on the guy and most "should" understand that you aren't, but some will just assume this and not bother to take the time to get to know you first to find out otherwise. But again I think it's good and understandable. I would just assume this all but some guys unfortunately need to be told lol

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  • The problem is that you cannot just pop out what you do not accept, simply because our brain is weird at times. Think at it.
    Our tastes and what we accept or do not accept change over time, and, saying to every guy immediately what you do not want makes your brain fix it in itself due to coherence and other shit. When your brain will realize (there's a small probability that your ideas will never change in such a trivial matter) it, you'll have only wasted occasions (the guys you know during the time your brain changed idea and your mouth say things due to habit and coherence).
    In a general sense. But it may vary from case to case.

    The "rules" you wrote just make no sense. Just because every guy is different and you just don't know before seeing (for point 2, 3) or knowing them (2, the last of 1) or knowing them well (1).
    You can't say I do not want children/wife, you can't say you won't accept him seeing other girls (I did, and I found that contradiction in myself once), you can't say "I don't have sex at the first date" because you might feel to know him during the first date (also if maybe actually you don't), you can't say "I have sex only with guys until I know em" (because you might find one that hot that makes ya lose your mind)(I also did it with girls, but I found myself doing it anyway once).
    They do not apply to every case.

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  • Its not a turn off... you are factual... you wanna lay down your side of the story. I do that with girls i am about to get with... except i ask for more realistic shit. because your #2 goes back to the moronic behavior of girls. obviously you dont want it to be about sex.. but do you know that my number two is to go on all three dates... and the only thing im gonna spend is time. we can go on as many dates as you want, but the girl is funding her own shit lol... its great right? (many females fucking hate it... their fucking fault.. they wanna hold sex hostage, im holding my wallet lol)

    your #1 is valid though... and your number 3 is a bit iffy, i mean, you know sex is gonna happen, just seems like you are putting up blockades. It might seem smart to you but I've run down enough blockades to know that the right guy will run em all down and STILL hurt you. There are easier ways to get sincerity out of a guy than pulling up blockades... and road bumps. way WAY easier ways... but you girls like shit the hard way because you feel "in control"... bs
    One thing you are right about... the single drama free life... is great...

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    • I love paying for myself. I don't want anyone feeling like I owe them anything, especially my body. If they wanted sex easily find a girl who doesn't really care about giving up her body. I don't want any man thinking I can't take care of myself. My momma would slap me.

      If he hurts me he must not be the right guy. If there are easier ways what are they?

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    • I'm learning

    • Just roll with it i guess.. i mean.. i like to control mine.. but hey...

  • Instant turn off. Not so much the list as the fact that you feel compelled to present it. It makes you sound like a total bitch. You're basically assuming the worst from us, not giving us the benefit of the doubt, and/or blaming us for what other people in the past have done to you (ie: stuff that was not out fault)

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    • Yeah, I can see that. I've come off aggressive before so I've learned to tone it down.

    • The list is entirely reasonable, and you obviously don't want to have your time wasted, but you really should not present it like that. Everyone new you meet deserves a chance and trust until they prove otherwise. I hope you find the person you deserve, I'm sure they're out there.

  • A dame automatically assuming that he only wants to get in your pants is a huge turn off. I just walk away at that point. I know she'll be a creature of drama and a waste of my time and my mental stability. NO reason to date someone that just assumes things or judges them before getting to know them

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    • Actually I never have drama in my life, except the times when I was with guys and they couldn't get their shit together. All they did was lie to get what want. It was sad. I steer clear of it because I don't have time for it. This is just me trying to prevent anyone from wasting mu, and their, time.

  • I get where your list comes froms, but in reality you'll just scare everybody off, even the guys who actually fit your description: putting that list out there when they're just starting to make a move makes you look a little crazy, and crazy usually means trouble.

    The truth is in order to get to know someone, you need to take risks. You won't know for sure if he doesn't have a girlfriend, children, or a wife (if you see a ring, then you can assume he has a wife, but this method isn't foolproof), and even if he said that he understood the rules and fit the description, you wouldn't know if he's lying either! As for not having sex on the first dates, just don't go to his place or yours: have dates in a public place, and everybody goes their way afterwards. If he keeps dating you without getting sex, and seems genuinely interested, he'll probably fit the description of rule number three.

    Conclusion: Not only will asking those questions not give you a trustworthy answer, but it will scare off the good opportunities. And there are other ways to get the answer to those questions: you have to use your perception.

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    • My perception is terrible, that's where this whole method came from.

  • Yeah honestly, the dating scene can leave both parties jaded,
    men have to contend with lots of garbage too, including masses of rejection, having to jump through hoops, bitterness etc.

    But relationships are supposed to be a fount of intimacy. Suspicion and resentment kill that pretty much instantly.

    All people have to find ways of dealing with their personal issues, and not projecting them onto others. So yeah, probably an instant deal breaker.

    Also, a lot of those things should go without saying really. Just basic human respect and decency. So your standards seem quite low...

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  • what a terrible way to start a relationship. these "rules" are basically common and everyone usually abides by them. these make you seem bossy and terrible, like super awkward and horrible. now sure you can tell him these rules but listen to this. I love breaking the rules, I'm sure lots of people do. if you didn't tell the rules I wouldn't even think of doing these things. but when y9u lay em out as if you're some sort of neat freak then I'm gunna take it as a challenge. ESPECIALLY "if u just want sex, don't even try" girl I would waste a month. a whole month just to get to know you and fuck you and then be on my way just to teach you a god damn lesson.
    I'm not trynna be rude by saying all this, just trying to put you in my perspective. DON'T DO THIS RULE THING. do you not even get to know a guy? like you should be gettig to know a guy and see him for his good and his bad. then you decide. you don't just say "ok u need to be exactly like this for us to work" people make exceptions or others they love. that's the bitter sweet thing about love! anyway, just my opinion:)

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  • Did guys burst ur bubbles? Coz u acting like a wuss.. see it's okay to be a little conscious.. but doesn't mean u gag a guy just coz he approached u..

    Tell me is tht ok if u demand sex and get it anytime u want? of course guys would respect your negative decision for a while to not having sex.. but doesn't mean he has to wait for your so called FEEL like stuff to happen.. n then they might hv a chance.. really a turn off

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  • Lmao! 😂 who broke your heart?

    Not the majority of guys out there's fault that you were horrible at picking the right men. That's what you get for going for "BAD boys" hehe

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    • Every one I've ever dated. They weren't bad boys at all, just liars

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    • Yet I'm not a slut?

    • So how many of these liars did you entertain in the bedroom?

      Because most women who feel resentment like you seem to, usually feel used or having giving too much of themselves in previous relationships.

      Girls who lost nothing, move on without as much bitterness.

  • I think feeling those ways are great and even desirable, but there's a good chance I would think the person is holding quite a bit of anger which is unappealing. Feeling frustrated about the past is okay, but I wouldn't want that directed towards me. Plus, that feels like a precedent for being treated in future hostile ways.

    I would just not initially treat him like you anticipate him as being the same as other guys, even if he probably is.

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    • Yeah that makes sense. I'm very cautious about men. Since I was younger all I've known was them for to lie, abusive, walk out. It's carried on into the men I've dated and I have some anger built up. I don't want any of them near me.

    • How you feel makes sense then. Of course you probably logically know that not all guys are those negative things though. Since you've been immersed in that kind of interaction and it's all you've known, you may have learned to find something appealing about guys that are more like that if that makes sense. I think you may also dissuade guys that wouldn't be those ways with you by having that kind of wall up. You're young though and have lot of time to potentially figure that all out with wisdom.

  • This is such a major turn off, I'm not sure words could express just how much. Defensiveness, suspicion, and combativeness.

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    • Yeah I've been told I'm aggressive. When I'm nice people take advantage of me

    • You don't need to be aggressive or too nice. You need to learn how to be assertive.

  • I think most guys will find it a turn off. I however find it to be excellent.

    There's no guessing games on where you stand and I know you're expectations. I greatly appreciate up frontness as it causes no wasted time for me or you and it allows me to remove myself from a situation at the first possible opportunity.

    That is exactly what I would do if you told me these things on our first date.

    I'm single and not trying to be. Until I'm in a committed relationship I WILL continue to date as many women as possible. Dating is often a numbers game. I'm looking for the "one". Until a woman has committed to me I feel she has no right and is delusional to expect me to put all my eggs in one basket... in this case your basket.

    The day a girl commits to me, and I her is the day everyone else I'm dating is 86ed, and not one moment before then.

    I would also like to add I find it selfish you would place this mandate on anyone before a commitment is made. I'm certain by this mandate you seek to avoid drama... and also eliminate any competition. I find this to be wholly unacceptable and advise you to change that statute of your mandate. The rest are most reasonable.

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  • Those are all GREAT "rules".

    I think the only problem you have for it to be a turn off is how you come across when you say it, and also WHEN you say it.

    I understand the point you want to make with your picture but if you have that look on your face and your finger point at him when he comes up to you then it will be a turn off.

    But I would totally agree with what you were saying, and respect you for that.

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  • Rofl, Do you hand out a form for them to fill in?

    It's an incredible turnoff. You've already prejudged every guy out there by thinking he wants to fuck you over, so why do you even date?

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  • I always preferred to know what a girl wouldn't accept. Rather than guessing or finding out by trial and error and break up.

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  • I think you've got a right to do that. I wouldn't consider it a turn off, but that's because I agree with the points you've made and I would be the same, just that I wouldn't state it but that's just me. By stating these points you sieve out those who aren't after a solid relationship. The guys who are fine by these points most likely are genuinely interested in you. I like it, straight and to the point about what you want, that way you're not wasting your time.

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  • Well it's a good set of standards in my opinion. but just strait up telling them I'd say is a bit of a turn off. it wouldn't want to make me get to know you any less but then again most guys are selfish assholes. Fortunately you know what you want and if the right guy shows up then you shouldn't have to tell him. good luck in life, I wish you well

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  • Big turn off if it's the first date. Sounds too confrontational/aggressive to me. You sound like you got dissapointed A LOT and pissed about it. That's my first impression anyways. I mean, I like the no B. S thing but just straight up setting the "rules" like that is just... unnatural. Yeah, its gonna be a turn off to most people. I wouldn't mind it but it all depends on HOW you say it then what you say in the end.

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  • It'd be a turn off for me.

    I wouldn't give up sex for a girl I'm not sleeping with, dating or exclusive with when we're just getting to know eachother. So if she can't "tolerate" me living the single life, when I am single then that's a problem. It's not a question of loyalty. You don't owe eachother anything at that point and you have no loyalties to eachother. The agreement is you're not together and just finding out more.

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  • Those are great rules to have. But depends on how you approach them with those rules. Are you immediately telling them this? I think any guy, ones who would not qualify and those that would, would be turned off by this if you just came out blunt and said this.
    And the casually dating other girls. What about if he's single and just had a few dates with other girls deciding who he wants to pursue?

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  • The fact you think we'e gonna fuck you over is a turn off. No wonder you've been single for so long.

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    • It's happened multiple times before. I'm very suspicious of everyone who wants to talk to me

  • look thats a big turn off for anybody if someone just get in there face and with a negitive attitude. look its all good to know what you want out of a mate and nobody guy/girl wants their time wasted but its good to have courtesy and actually treat them like a person. there isn't nothing wrong with your list but from reading it sounds more like a trust thing then anything else. but if have this im going to get fucked over mentality then you going to be alone for the rest of your life cause nobody would want to deal with that. you shouls dieffently keep your list to yourself and if he meets all the requirments then he should earn your time. also you will have to waste some of your time to find someone worth wasting it for.

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  • I can imagine how it would be a turnonff IF it's done the incorrect way. So long as the wording, tone and everything is nice, I think any self-respecting guy should appreciate the honesty and straightforwardness.

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  • It comes down a whole lot of context and how you bring it across. If you are like "Those are my rules. Eat it or die" - then yes, it is a certain attitude that is a major turn-off.

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  • As conditions, those are acceptable.

    For you to state them explicitly on a first date is not.

    My response would be "have a nice life" and the rest of your drinks are on your tab.

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  • Congratulations, you just put up a WALL to any Man interested in you. I know from experience. For 13 years (18 to 31) I put up a WALL. I successfully avoided Women the ENTIRE time. Finally, I decided to take down my Wall... and ultimately got married. 24 years and counting.
    Also, You have just confirmed Men's perceptions (negative) of Western Women. Please, take time to Google on the following searches.

    western women picky
    avoid western women
    men giving up on women

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  • Seems like a good deal to me. Its what I expect in a relationship. Dating a girl who is straightforward would be a plus for me. I dont have to worry about what she is thinking.

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  • It's good to stick to your morals, but to start preaching about them to a guy the instant he starts speaking to you is definitely a turn off.

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What Girls Said 34

  • It depends on when exactly you say it. Like, if someone approaches you in the mall and you say that... that's a turnoff lol. If you 2 have been communicating, texting lately and you think they're giving signs that they just trying to use you or something along those lines, that's normal. Address a situation when it comes up not before. I once met a dude who was interested in me during a high school football game and he told me if we get serious, I'm going to have to delete all my social media. No, it's not as big as your demands but you get the picture lol.

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  • Aaah I understand where your coming from girl! But the thing is with men they don't like to be openly challenged right away and be given a list of standards. I can understand why you have them though, just as I understand why a guy wouldn't want to hear it right away.

    They'll automatically think that being with you will be complex and not very enjoyable so they'll just avoid the hassle all together.

    The best thing to do is just give them time to get to know you, and let them become more comfortable. Men don't like being tied down and they don't like anything that may seem high maintenance. If they're into you a lot they'll slowly but surely eliminate any other distractions from you, if they feel your worth it 😊.

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  • That's how I am. Yet the men still attempted to be with me. However, I didn't want to pursue because I found red flags or deal breakers here and there.

    I think the way you present these "rules" would be more of the problem. Also, it seems like you're carrying baggage by even bringing it up. But I like to be forward with everyone, like "here is what I have to offer, no bullshit, get right to it, if you don't like it, leave" type of deal. But apparently it's a turn off and men don't like you being completely honest with them

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  • That's like, an instant turn off to any sane person.

    even guys who meet your criteria aren't going to stick around, because THEY have criteria too, and "no self-centered, emotionally stunted brats" is usually one of them.

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    • I'm not self-centered nor a brat, but I might have problems emotionally. I guess that's what happens when every guy you've talked to has fucked you over at some point. Had to raise my standards and start making what I want apparent. This is what I tell men after we've talked for a while and they express they want to hang out.

  • Were you friends first and got to know one another?

    If not, you're being a bit presumptuous that all men just want sex. Maybe they do, MAYBE. So why can't you be friends with some? You can't want to sleep with all of the dudes you know. If they try, let them try, you're like "ahahahah, you're not my type. But we're cool as friends".

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  • This is actually a really good question. And its good to be upfront with what you want. Thats how you get to know a person. They know your past, your likes, your dislikes and what makes you happy. If any man gets offended by this, then he maybe insecure with himself. Any man who may not posses what you are looking for will still try his hand and try to make it work with you. And thats the man that you want. Not someone who will give up easy.

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  • Hey no nonsense attitude. The kind of men you run off would be the ones to break those rules. I don't see anything wrong with that attitude but if you throw that at them too fast most guys will think you're crazy. Tell them this before it gets serious but not when you have barely interacted with them.

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    • I wait until we've talked for a while and he wants to hang out

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    • I used to be aggressive but now I've learned to tone it down

    • Yeah toned down is the best option, but make sure that they know you're serious. I wish you luck, girl.

  • I see where you're coming from and agree with you. The problem is, when you're just getting to know someone, the reality is they're most likely talking to other people too as thats sadly how dating is nowadays with online dating and how many people don't want to settle down. Of course not all guys are like that, but I think its ok to tell the guy this after the first couple of dates, as long as you come across calm and collected about it and not hostile, I think you'll find someone who feels the same way.

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    • Yeah I have come across hostile before. I had to tone it down and word it differently

    • argee with her as a man

  • I can see where you are coming from. I've done something along those lines with an ex before. We were friends who decided to give dating a try and so I told him that if we did date, there are a couple things he should know. At the time he seemed fine with it, he told me it was all right and that he had no issue with it. However, in the month we dated, he kept bringing it up over and over again, saying I didn't mean it or it was a defence mechanism. I've talked to many people since then who said I handled it well and was within my rights to do it that way. There is nothing wrong with telling a guy your values or what you want out of the relationship. You just have to find the right way to communicate it

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  • Well I think if you approach it as not a list type of thing then its not too bad however if you're telling them like they're in school can seem like belittling but everyone has standards and things they just can not compromise on so thats okay!

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  • I think it's i turn off.. but I don't know , for me it doesn't sound like fun, and dating and all is all about fun for me

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    • I like to have fun. Just not with anyone who is going to use me or have a bunch of bitches

    • I understand that, you're right but i think in the ebginning it's not bad to just let it happen and if it should get serious, than yes don't have fun with everyone

  • And you wonder why...

    Fuk give the guy a chance before you stick him.

    Your turning them off big time!

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  • No that comes across as super bitter

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    • Yeah I know. I've just been through too much and I want to keep all that away from me. I don't need anymore drama in my life.

  • Probably a big turn off. Pretty ridiculous.

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  • I mean those are all pretty reasonable, but I think there are many non-aggressive ways of letting a guy know what you expect.

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  • great at least you are sure what you want in a relationship.. it is not a turn off if you get to know each other and tell him that but it will be a turn off if you just met a guy and tell him those things.. take it slow or at least not on the first day

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  • These are great Points. I don't know how you tell them. But if ur polite then that shouldn't be a problem to any man

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  • In my opinion your rules are smart and sensible and you're not asking for too much. It's the delivery which counts.

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  • I agree with these rules 100%. You have a right to set boundaries; and if someone cannot accept them, then you should not be dating them

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  • pretty large turn off on the first date

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  • You can set your rules and whatever... he will still do whatever he wants. I mean come one... rules are there to be broken lol

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  • And that's when he approaches you? Why? I mean, I kinda have the same list, I have to agree, but... I tell them that in different conversations. I slip some hints when we are talking. And not on the first date.

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  • prob is. makes you seem stuck up.

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  • Gawd, what guy would even entertain a relationship with that?

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    • Hopefully one that doesn't lie

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    • Lol. Hardly. Bye.

    • Lol whose awful now? And quite judgmental. You do realize I had respectful conversations with other people who posted?

  • No you're right, preserve yourself from useless drama, it will make your life easier and avoid fuckboys.

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  • you probs shouldn't be talking about limits and rules the first time you meet a guy. It's probably gonna be a big turn-off and he may think of you as a high maintenance bitch or someone that just can't chill and hang out.

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  • I'd imagine it would be a major turn off for a guy. I think it's rude and immature

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  • This is the basic I don't see anything wrong with your opinion

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  • That might be a little abrasive

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  • Ya you sound like a bitch so

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