My psycho ex messed up my current relationship? Lost a love of my life because of her?

I was with my ex for 4 years, it was a high school relationship. I was heart broken after but we would just fight and i needed to venture. Anyway i moved to America - New York and met a gorgeous girl who just captivated me. I loved everything about her. I meet her a year after breaking up with my ex. We both dated from the get go, 4 months. I didn't want to make it official because i didn't want my ex to go psycho on this girl and also my work situation wasn't steady and i was likely moving in 1 months. Anyway, she stuck around. Another month went by but then she brought up what we were. I then told her that i got the job in Arizona and i think its best we break things off because long distance sucks and i didn't want heartbreak and to put a time frame on us. We we split. She felt lead on but wished me well. I believe someone then told my ex and all of a sudden she was heading to Arizona in 2 months to work there with friends. I move for work going nc with the newyork girl then my ex contacts me to go for drinks with her and her mates. I went more to give my ex closure. Im guessing the New York girl found out through photos my ex put on Facebook, next day im not her friend on Facebook anymore. I was instantly upset. Because she didn't tell me why. My number was also blocked. I then told my ex off and told her we need to stop and decided to take her and her family off my facebook. Its been 8 months now and i get word im heading back to new york for work. I contacted the girl by letting her best friend know on fb that im coming back. I then get an email a week later from the ny girl saying that she 'will always care about me' and she 'doesnt play games' and she 'doesnt want to make me jealous because its highschool crap'. However at the end of the email she put 'best wishes'. Which to me implies for me yo leave her alone. I want her back. I dont want to scare her awayIm at a crossroads. Which option should i take?

Sorry its so long, i guess im just in need of advice...

  • Use NY's best friend to get to her
    15%(3)20%(6)Vote30%(3)
  • Try to 'accidentally' bump into her at the places she hangs out
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  • Write her an email on how much i miss her
    25%(5)27%(8)Vote30%(3)
  • A & B
    5%(1)7%(2)Vote10%(1)
  • Try and move on and let her be
    40%(8)36%(11)Vote30%(3)
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Most Helpful Girl

  • When you get to NY, see her in person!

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    • And what do i do? Try flirt with her again? I dont want to seem desperate and i have no idea if she is dating someone...

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    • I don't know. Only she can answer that question for her. Do you have her address? Maybe send her some flowers with an ' sorry, miss you, would love to see you again'. Make it an embarrassing large brunch!

    • I am glad I was helpful! I hope all works out for you!

What Girls Said 10

  • Honey, your ex didn't mess up your current relationship, you did.

    It was a year since you broke up with your ex and you left your ex behind to move to America, this woman should have no hold over you anymore. Yes, your ex still has a hold on you. Else, why would you not make things official with your NYC girl. You say it's because your ex is a psycho, but if she is then why are you still in contact with her? If you did cut off contact, then how will she know about your new girl and mess things up? And how could she mess things up? If you are honest with your girl, treat her right, and make her feel secure in the relationship, how can your ex mess that up?

    Also, even if you didn't say the words, your actions prove that you were going out with this girl, you said you broke things off, you can't break it off if it was never on to begin with, and you say your psycho ex messed up your current relationship, see it WAS official even if you never gave NYC girl the words. This makes me wonder if perhaps you have commitment issues. Perhaps that's why you allow your ex to be an issue because it's convenient, it allows you to not commit since you believe your psycho ex will mess things up, it allows you to feel like you're doing the right thing by not committing since after all you have her best interests at heart right?

    I want you to take a look at this from her point of view. She meets a great guy with whom she has a connection. They hang out, and by actions are in a relationship. It's been almost 6 months, she wants to make sure that what she thinks is happening is happening, so she asks for the words but he doesn't give them to her, instead he says he is moving and they should break things off. She's invested 6 months of emotion and time into this guy. But she is mature and wishes him well. Two months after they break things off she sees facebook photos of him with his ex. How would you feel in this situation, perhaps a bit used, definitely hurt, after all this guy who you cared a lot for, went out with his ex two months after breaking things off with you.

    Move on. Learn from this experience. If your ex really is a psycho, break off all contact with her. When the actions scream we're in a relationship, give her the words, words matter, they ensure you're both on the same page. Communicate, be on the same page, you knew it was temporary, but it sounds like she didn't know, that is another reason she felt like she was being led on.

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    • So you think i should have just taken my ex off from the breakup. I just didn't want to be a dick to her because we were eachothers first. But i realised with the NY girl that there are girls out there that dont expect things from me and also who can respect me for my quirks and not for me buying her things. I just, i know I've fucked up hanging with my ex but i was at a total crossroads. But then she screwed me over by bragging about hanging with me. I've now taken her off and also dont have the NY girl. I've lost it all, all because i was trying to be a good guy to both girls.

    • How can you be a good guy to NYC girl by not wanting to be official and not telling her that you were planning on a job far away but didn't want a ldr? I don't think you treated NYC girl fairly/well. I think if you knew she is a psycho you should have removed her. I think you had over a year to remove her from your facebook friends list even if you didn't want to do it immediately.

      Don't be so melodramatic. This isn't the end of the world, there are other girls out there, you haven't "lost it all", learn from this experience so you don't make the same mistake next time.

  • If I had a boyfriend and he was meeting an ex for drinks, I would be upset. I guess there are some situations where it might be okay, like if they were genuinely just friends.

    But it just seems odd to meet up with an ex for drinks, especially when you are in a new relationship. And especially when this girl is still trying to get with you. It's like you are feeding the dragon.

    I don't think you can totally blame your ex. It sounds like you did more to hurt your relationship than your ex did. You even let her post photos of you guys together. That would upset me too.

    You also didn't make things official, which probably also made your girlfriend feel insecure in the relationship. Here's this guy she is with, or sort of with, she's not really sure. And now he's out with his ex for drinks, taking pics. She's probably wondering where the eff she stands with you.

    My advice, leave this ex in the past. If she isn't someone you see a future with, then cut her out of your life. It's okay to do that. You don't have to consider your ex's feelings in all aspects in your life. She can handle it, she can move on herself.

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    • If she ever contacts me, do you think that will be my second chance?

    • Well if she ever reaches out, then I'm sure you can talk to her about that. But honestly, i wouldn't sit there wondering.

      It would be very hurtful to go through that experience. To date a guy, have him not want to be official, then he goes out for drinks with an ex. I personally would probably walk away.

  • I think you can write her an email, but if she doesn't respond then let her go. I hate to tell you, but your ex girlfriend didn't mess things up for you. You did. You loved this girl and you led her on. If you weren't going to be sticking around, you shouldn't have let her believe otherwise. And you broke things off with her, you can't expect her to wait around on the off chance that you would come back.

    If you had been straight with her from the beginning, you would have had a better chance of getting back together with her now. And yes, your ex showing up probably doesn't help matters. But if she still trusted you, you would have had a better chance of explaining things to her.

    So if you still lover her, write her an email. Tell her you f***ed up and that you're sorry. And that you have feelings for her and want to give things another shot. If she responds, great. But if she doesn't respond, you need to respect that. Don't harass her friends and certainly don't invade her space by showing up where you're not wanted.

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  • She (the NY girl) sounds, based on your description, like an awesome girl who knows what she wants in life. She seems like someone who doesn't like to waste time (or have her time wasted). She's obviously trusting but only until it's proven her trust was misplaced and then she moves on. Good for her! There are many ways in which she could have handled it worse. She even wished you well. I'm sorry to say so (it's not fun to hear), but you seem very indecisive. I do believe you blew it. I think the best you can do is to leave her alone and move on as well, I think she deserves better. She's already telling you this herself in a polite and civilized manner. You're the one who broke it off. Leave it at that.

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    • Thats what i loved about her. She knew where she was heading in life and a real go getter. Avoided bickering drama. She was the first girl i dated outside of highschool and she taught me to get my shit together. Quick party drugs, work harder and priorities but i was young and fucked up by letting her go and caved into hanging with my toxic ex. I just feel like the NY girl is what i need... ugh, fuck i miss her

    • She does sound like a great girl. I still think you should let it be. There are more like her out there though, and at least now you know what you want and what you don't want.

  • Your ex didn't mess up that opportunity for a relationship with NY girl - you did.
    There were many things you could have done differently - especially living in another city away from your ex yet you're blaming her for it not working out. Realistically the only way she could impact a new relationship is if you let her and it sounds like you did big time.

    I'd move on and let the NY girl be, she's made it pretty clear she wants nothing to do with you and you should respect that

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    • But i didn't want to be a total dick to my ex and take her off my Facebook. I am ashamed of keeping the relationship with the NY girl a secret but i didn't want my ex to hassle her. But then my ex didn't act civilised and completely ruined my chance of going back to this girl. I just feel like i will regret this girl for the rest of my life...

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    • Thanks for answering by the way, i do appreciate the honesty

    • My pleasure, at least now you know for next time 😊 Take care

  • Why does it sound more like you messed up this relationship? Odd statements you made:
    - You did not make it official with the new girl because of the girl you left ONE YEAR AGO and that, assumingly lived in another country or state.
    - You just curved the girl by saying you will move for work
    - Your ex seems to be assuming that you are still dating her, so unless she is crazy (which is unlikely), you didn't make it clear that it is over between you both, you dated her for 4 years so she deserved closure as soon as you decided that it was over and before you started messing around with the other girl.
    - So technically you agreed to go out for drinks and what does 'more to give my ex closure' mean
    - You took photos? Seriously? Again seems like your ex and you are dating, clearly no closure there.
    I don't even know what to say, you wanna have your cake and eat it too. If you closed it off with first girl then none of this would have happened. Now you sorta played yourself. This might not work but sever links with your ex properly and block her or everything, then try to explain everything to the girl directly, provide evidence, beg for forgiveness and hope for the best. If no result in 4 months move on. And I mean MOVE ON, so you don't mess it up with the next girl.

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    • I know i fucked up. I was young and inexperienced. The NY girl was the first i dated outside of highschool and now she's gone because she assumed i went back to my ex, which i didn't. But i can understand why she took me off and i have learnt that you can't be friends with an ex sometimes because then this happens. And what i love about the NY girl is that she isn't for drama. I just want her back but feel like a total dick if i beg for her back...

    • Then don't and let her go, just make sure you don't regret it afterwards.

  • Vote F
    a 3rd party she trusts will smooth things over & sell your good side to her is the only solution now
    find this 3rd party (usually a bestie)
    do whatever it takes to seal the deal with them

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    • So you think try and be close with the bestie and share my achievements with her because she will pass the info onto her?

  • why would you want to give your ex "closure" after 1 year? I think if i were the NY girl I would think you're still hung up on yout ex.

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    • Thats why i think she made the choice, and i totally understand this. If she was hanging with her ex i would feel the same. I just know I've fucked up with this girl and letting her go was the shittest thing whats happened to me relationship wise because i know she is such a nice person. She could have gone crazy at me but didn't and wished me well , then i fucked up and hung with my insecure ex who then gloated about it. Fuck, i dont know how i will move on

  • Best option? Leave her alone. Duh.

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  • Poor you.

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