Should I tell him that I am dating others?

Following up my earlier question :

We had two more dates. They were all fine. In total 3 dates. First 2 didn't involve sex at all, weirdly. And third one ended up in my place cuddling, watching movies, talking, and then sex, then he asked my permission to stay over. But I have been feeling that he is treating me like a convenience, not that something he wants to date.

I was randomly scrolling around on my match. com the other day before I delete my profile, and I found his profile, where he has been online in the last 24 h. And I assume he has been online regularly, because couple hours ago, I saw him online on OKCupid as well, as I was gonna delete my account "again". PS: We met on Bumble.

I thought we are getting somewhere, but his online presence in these dating websites, and his search criteria (which is 21-24 yo, unlike I am 28 and he is too) does not define me at all. And seems like my feelings about him treating me as convenience are true.

So I accepted a second date with someone just now, and would like to give him a try, as he seems a nice guy from the first date (the date was before I had serious talk with my FWB). However, I like to be honest because I really like him, but his online presence is a red flag for me, seems like he is leading me on, and playing with me. So I like to tell him that I started dating someone else to see his reaction as well.

Do you think this is a good idea? Any suggestions on how to proceed? What to do? Should I simply just cut him? Or should I let him know that I am dating others if he continues treating me like a secondary choice? How should I approach and talk about these with him?


Most Helpful Guy

  • From a relationship coaches perspective, this is a needs and wants discussion. What I didn't hear you say in your description above is whether or not you and he ever talked about you two seeing each other exclusively. Did you? And if you had and he said he wasn't interested in a relationship with you, would you have continued dating him? Simply put, how was he to know that you were looking for something with only him and is that what you want (negotiable) or something you need (nonnegotiable)?

    Honestly, I like the idea of you telling him you're seeing other people but not for the reason of seeing how he reacts. That's a little bit of gamesmanship. If you tell him and he's fine, how would that make you feel, and why?

    • I told him how I felt about being a convenience for him and not someone he is interested in dating. He said that's not true, and well he also said he just clicked the links on the emails about likes etc. from OKC, and not really became online to search for others. And he is not seeing another girl. But anyways.

      I told him I have been seeing other people. He said he doesn't really care because he knows that I am not gonna get naked with them, or spend more time with them like I spend time with him, because he won't do any of those with others. DUH? What kind of answer is it?

      by the way, we had exclusivity talk, and he and I both may move to other states in June to August for work. Even if the distance is manageable, he had that concern before becoming exclusive, but he agreed. So that's how we officially started dating. Thou we didn't say we are bf-gf. We agreed this to be the step before, and being exclusive is just to put more time into getting to know each other, doing activities.

    • and practice safe sex (we are gonna get tested) etc.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Don't tell him anything. Explore all options and see who makes you happy and whom do you trust for a long term relationship.

  • it's your call babe, you gonna say it right away or he'll get reason to manipulate you emotionally


What Girls Said 2

  • I think the important thing is having safe sex. Beyond that, and until a discussion about a relationship arises, your personal life is private. It's not necessary at this stage to tell of the others you are dating. Unless you have an underlying guilt over it.

    • Sex is safe. No problem. We said we are exclusiv, so no point in searching for others on okcupid and becoming online twice a day or on match. com... and writing that you're looking for serious relationship on your summary.

    • Show All
    • I agree with you. I was not dating others, and I was not on the websites to check others either. I wanted to take my profiles down until I saw him *online now* as he is in my favorites, then I didn't delete my profile to see how frequently he becomes online *after the talk*. I was the one who made the exclusivity talk, and we talked about that twice already. I feel like me bringing up the issue constantly is kind of bothersome, and sounds like insecurity, as I honestly think that it is his loss, not mine if this ends. I am just wondering how to raise this concern to talk.

    • It really could be a complete misunderstanding fueled by your insecurities. Imagine if he's doing the same thing goes online, sees you are still active and you both. Go and make assumptions possiblyvdestroying something good. I think you should talk with him but try to make it light hearted, almost jokijngly saying " so I'm going online to close out my dating sites to focus on you and bam, see you there too. Lol, should I back off while you explore?"

  • That would be a good idea. Tell him when you meet him in order to see his reaction. If he reacts negatively, simply mention to him that you found his dating profile and you're more than certain that he talks to other girls as well.


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