How to date a guy with low self esteem?

I've been seeing this guy on and off for two months, he keeps saying 'you're too good for me / you're perfect / you have all the qualities a guy wants' Even when we kissed for the first time, his response was 'sorry, if I did something stupid, don't expect anymore from me, it won't happen' - I like this guy, and even though he 'breaks it off ' with me, he always wants to be around me and hang out every weekend - he technically ended it twice with me, but always comes back. He has low self esteem and always feels guilty about things - I don't know what to do/sustain a relationship with him.

Or does he just not like me that much? And keeping me around? He always texts me to hang out. FYI we haven't had sex either.


0|0
816

Most Helpful Guy

  • Not sure why you want to deal with this. Why not find someone you're head over heels for? Is this really what you want for a boyfriend?

    The whole purpose of dating is to discern whether it's a match. Some are simply not. No harm no foul. In my experience no well adjusted adult wants to babysit another adult. His problems are not yours unless you make them, and there is no good reason to do that.

    Guys get with women hoping they'll never change.
    Girls get with guys thinking if they work at it hard enough they can actually change them into something they would like. FAIL! :)

    1|0
    0|0

Most Helpful Girl

  • He definitely likes you a ton, I think. He thinks you're too good for him.

    There's only so much you can do, because he seems to be (mildly) mentally ill. If you still like the relationship, there's no reason to leave just because of that, though.

    First, think about why you like him, and shower him with those reasons. Second, find ways he can be better than you in some way-- turn to him for help you know he can give, even if you could do whatever it is yourself.

    Even feign a bit of insecurity about not being good enough for him, which might help turn his self-esteem around. Make him feel like he has the power in the relationship.

    As long as it's working for you, those are some things you can do.

    My only worry is that if his self-esteem is to low, you may find it exhausting to keep pulling him up, and then you'll have to leave him to p[reserve your own mental health and he'll feel even worse.

    But, you might be able to pull him up if you do that, especially letting him feel like he has the power and you're as, or more, afraid of losing him as the reverse.

    If you start feeling drained and think you might end up breaking it off as a result, then as a last resort suggest he get therapy, and give him a chance to turn it around if he agrees. Hopefully that won't be necessary, but it depends on how insecure he is and how well you take working at boosting him up.

    0|0
    0|0

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 15

  • That is a hard one. If he isn't willing to get therapy, then you need to ask yourself if you can handle this kind of guy. But know that a good woman can seriously help a guy like this if your truly in love or care for him. having a woman in your life is a huge boost to a guys self esteem. Sex will jack that up 100x also. If your age range is right, then you should be past this nonsense of "has to be with the right guy" crap young women keep thinking. But you didn't say why there hasn't been any sex yet. It take a lot a reassurance from you. Telling him how good he is, propping him up a lot. Sometimes that is enough. But if he is really bad, then only therapy and maybe medication is going to work. So urge him to find a good therapist.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I kinda used to be that guy. his respect for you is getting in the way of what you want. That's all. he's likely read horror stories about men that were monsters and is terrified of being thought of that way. he wants you to make the rules, and one of those rules can be "shut up and kiss me" try it, if it was me I'd love it.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Well first of all you have to try and think and be honest with yourself about how you feel about him and you like him. If you really like him then don't dump him because you will devastate him and make his self esteem even lower so you wouldn't want to do that if you care for him ! So basically the fact that you are with him can help boost his self esteem. Telling him he is an awesome boyfriend and that he is handsome and sexy and strongly denying that he doesn't deserve you should help. Others with low esteem (like myself) can't get a girlfriend because of it but have the low esteem because they can't and never had a girlfriend. It's a viscious circle to be in. The fact that he has you should make him feel awesome and I certainly will gain confidence if I manage to find a girlfriend

    0|0
    0|0
  • make him jealous and say that "you deserve me more than the new guy but you underestimate yourself ".

    0|2
    0|0
  • You can't give him self-esteem. He has to build his own self-esteem. Until he does, he is not ready for a relationship.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Ohhh well you can't do anything much except to tell him that you line him as he is... It's his problem and he will keep on dumping you even if you assure him everything...

    Lol I wanted to ask how did you two meet? And what did you like in him

    0|0
    0|0
    • I guess so. We met online and I like the fact that he is really genuine and considerate, family oriented and is very grounded compared to all the guys I've dated, who were the complete opposite. This guy is very caring, bit on the quiet side - he's the complete opposite to me.

    • Show All
    • I've had enough of bad boys haha, but this one is a tricky one

    • Enough of bad boys? Lol Means you had all the fun with these guys? And not you like a good guy?

  • Suck his cock often

    0|2
    0|0
  • Ask him why he says these things? He doesn't need to continue in this mindset.
    How did you two meet?

    0|0
    0|0
    • We met online and after three dates , he ended it suddenly saying that he didn't want to tie me to one corner, when I'm 'amazing, deserve better and any guy would want you' and that he wanted to be friends, but even after three dates, we continued to see each other every weekend and it feels far more than just friends as he grabs my hand when we cross the road, go for drinks one on one too. I see him more often than my friends

  • Sounds like an annoying uphill struggle. If you're actually as hot/perfect as he says you are better off finding someone else that isn't a neurotic loser that can't make up his mind.

    0|0
    0|2
  • Just date him

    0|0
    0|0
  • as much as I feel pity for this guys mindset I want you to leave him alone. come back in 10 years!

    0|0
    0|1
  • just love them truly

    0|0
    0|0
  • If you can be patient with him and really see the relationship going somewhere, being with him and being supportive could help him a lot and he will love you for it. Just be sensitive and remind him how strong he is, encourage him when he says or does something you admire, etc. Most of all don't put pressure on him or judge him, and he'll open up to you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'm astonished you still like him, lol !

    0|0
    0|0
  • Have you done anything sexual?

    0|0
    0|0
    • No, we only made out - and even after making out, he would say sorry and that he should had restrained himself. I don't really know what to do, if he keeps apologising, thinking that he did something wrong

    • If you start being sexual with him and showing him you want it, that will likely give him a boost.

      Wont' fix your problems but it might help some.

What Girls Said 7

  • Ugh he's a puppy boy OP. And like when they do that "omg you're so perfect" thing you know it's just because they like the *idea* of you instead the actual you.

    Like this kid needs therapy and medication. Not a relationship.

    0|1
    0|1
    • You put this extremely well...

      Having been that low self esteem guy in my younger days, I got to agree with you.
      Humility is a good thing, but he doesn't seem capable of a peer to peer relationship.
      OR as you said so well, "they like the *idea* of you instead the actual you".

    • Show All
    • @SvanUlf
      Well, they aren't REALLY perfect, but hyperbole is perfectly normal and even expected when you're in love.
      On the other hand, there are women (who also have low self esteem), who don't always take compliments well. They will discount a sincere compliment making the guy feel like she's questioning his judgment.
      If a guy says a woman looks good, then she looks good! (at least to him)

    • @I-am-a-nobody Oh, yes, and that's what I mean by it being exhausting to be with someone with low self esteem... you almost have to apologize for giving them a compliment. If I tell a woman that she's beautiful it's because I mean it, not because I'm playing some cruel joke on her.

  • My friends with benefits has low confidence (not even close to as low as your guys' but still low) and so I make sure to often give him compliments, just make sure they're true. And when he's self conscious about something you don't necessarily like or dislike just say you don't care and you like him for who he is. For example, my friends with benefits finally took his shirt off for the second time I was with him and I told him that I like him better with his shirt off.

    0|1
    0|0
  • If all this has happened in two months time that sounds like a lot to deal with! Can you list five things you really like about him?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Just be there for him and constantly reassure how much he means to you and how great he is.

    1|1
    0|0
    • Dont, because you dont!

    • Show All
    • by the way. this app doesn't let me see the original message -.-"

    • Yes, I haven't dated a low self esteem like him before... And I do really like him. Just not sure why he doesn't believe I like him, and even though he keeps breaking up with me, he always wants to be around me and hang out every week. Even when I said I'm going for lunch with someone, he would ask if it's a date, who is it with etc

  • It is difficult to date someon with low self esteem. It requieres a lot ot patience!

    0|0
    0|0
  • there is no problem on him

    0|1
    0|0
  • Dating someone with low sel esteem is horrible! They always compare themselves to you and to how way better than them you are, and how many other guys would want to be with you it's exhausting. I always say to give them space to grow alone, until you're comfortable with being alone with yourself and learn to accept the differences between you and the rest of the world you're not ready to love someone else. I mean, how can he give you an love he doesn't have for him in the first place? He should have the set mind "she's amazing and I'm going to give her the world" right now he's at "how could she like me I'm so wack"

    0|0
    0|2
Loading...