I am scared of dating again because I'm self-conscious and I fear rejection once again?

Hi everyone!

So basically, with no sugar coating, I am fat. Not the "extremely obese" kind of fat, but I am still considered too big for the standards in my country. *You can skip to the next paragraph if that's all you need. ( Yes I know the risks, I am improving my lifestyle, but I'll never fit the standards because I am mostly pear-shaped and I personally like my figure, I have a smaller waist (S or M in clothes) and bigger hips and thighs.) i've started to become more confident, but I still have some big issues.

*I am 20yo and (embarrassingly enough) I haven't been in a relationship yet mostly because of various reasons that are not very relevant: been rejected a handful of times, didn't feel a connection with the people I went on dates with, got very busy with med school at one point, got 1 and a half years wasted with a guy friends who was emotionally abusive and I finally let go.

Point is, every time a date is mentioned, I get all anxious because I get the feeling "What if the guy can't tell from the pictures that I am fatter or maybe unattractive to him" "What if he doesn't like me" "What if it goes badly" and so on. so i tend to find reasons not do go on the date in order to avoid disappointment or rejection once again.

This guy asked me out when we get back to the city we study in (yes, I haven't got my hopes up yet, maybe he sees us as friends) and I think he is cute and funny and talkative and I keep thinking I am fat, I am ugly, I am shy, I am not that interesting and so on and that he's going to think the same once we go out.

my friends tell me I am way too self-conscious and that I have so much to offer and that I just lack confidence, but I don't know how to bring my self-esteem up when all I've faced until 20 was rejection.

And I'm not sure I can go through a "friendzone"(no such thing, but whatever) yet again.

How to stop being so self-conscious or thinking so negatively all the time?

Updates:
if anybody wants to know the numbers I am basically 5'4 and I weight around 175 lbs, most of the weight being distributed to my hips, stomach and thighs.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • judging by your profile picture, your body looks pretty attractive to me. Your problem is, you think too much. So what if you get rejected? a lot of people get rejected. i can understand the feeling of rejection, but you have to learn to let go things, and move on. Learn to change your thinking

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    • I don't know, i've just been rejected way too often and mostly because of my appearance. I've been told I have a great personality and people seem to get along with me incredibly well most of the time, and then I just get rejected. Maybe I am too shy or down to earth or I give off a too friendly vibe that puts me in the friendzone, though I've also been told that's not it.
      Even the guy friend whom I've spent over a year stressing over ( who always told me I am in his top 5 favourite people and that feels a connection and other bs) made sure to tell me twice how I should lose weight (for me, not for him) because he can't tell me I'm enough the way I am right now if it's not true.

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    • thank you for your advice :)

    • Thats great.
      and no problemoo :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • Let me tell you something, coming from a woman who used to box, and model until life happened that caused me to put on weight and fear walking out of the house thinking everyone was going to laugh at me. Work on yourself, amd get to a point where you can truly love yourself because no man, no friend and no family member can replace the love you're missing within yourself. You will only continue to live in fear even if you do find someone to accept you how you are because of how YOU look at yourself and feel about yourself not because of how a man looks or feels about you. My boyfriend is a fit man. I am shocked that he even went for me because of how handsome and built he is. I am always scared he will leave me for a hot girl or someone who stays in the gym like he does, but thats not his problem, its mine, and until I fix my issue I will only find one in my relationship. Take this time to focus on you and only you. Your happiness is worth more than any happiness coming from someone else because when they are gone, you're stuck with yourself and that happiness is leaving with them.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 18

  • Well, if that picture where there's usually an icon is you, I can tell you right now that you're not fat, you're curvy, and that's beautiful too. Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll find a nice man who treats you well, you just have to keep meeting men.

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  • their are lots of people with lots of different tastes. bigger is better to some people. i think if you feel like you'd regret not trying to see this guy that asked you out then you should try. if you won't regret anything than you might be better off not. self esteem is really difficult to improve when we live in a criticizing society, but whenever i feel down on myself i remember while i dont have this i always have that (i. e while i dont have clear skin i always have a cool beard) or like if you enjoy to do something like drawing or music then go do that instead of worrying about your figure. I feel like i have the opposite thing personally where im too skinny to be attractive. but i always remind myself that my size is good for me. for example: I'm skinny but i can fit into really slim places. your... bigger but you will be harder to kidnap. i hope that anything out of this helps you. and i wish you good luck!! ^_^

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    • haha the kidnapping part made me laugh xD

      I do think I would regret not seeing him, or not necessarily regret, but I might miss out. We get along well and even if it's just a friendly thing, I would still want him around as my friend, though another rejection would disappoint be a bit
      I just always have these negative thoughts partially created by me, partially inflicted by other people's rejections or comments and I wish I could let them all go. I have become more confident especially after ending a friendship with one of those persons who made me feel self-conscious, but I still have a long way to go
      thank you for the advice

  • I would not mind you being "fat", which you're not, but OK. I would mind you having this insecurity and never getting over it. Trying to be a better person tomorrow is more important to me than who you are today. cheers

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    • I know, I am really trying to improve my self-esteem, it really is getting in the way and projecting on all of my other accomplishments too.
      Thank you for the advice :)

  • You are a lovely young woman. You have nice curves on your body!! And the right man will love to cuddle with you and warm body.

    A relationship is all about discovering mutual wants', interests' and goals.

    To be emotionally connected with someone. I can tell you have a good heart and you will do just fine!!

    Just remember to avoid guys that are really rude or after one thing,, sex... You might know a guy just as shy (cautious) as you, but likes you a lot!! He is friendly and you are friendly but aren't sure how the other feels. If you feel that is the case,, invite him to go have coffee or lunch.

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  • Talk to a pro. They can help you sort through all these self-defeating fantasies.

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  • Is that you in your profile picture? Cuz that's not a fat chick.

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    • haha thank you, I weight 175 lbs though and that's above normal weight both medically speaking and from guys' point of view.

    • I agree with your friends. You're being way too self-conscious.

    • I will try to change the way I think, thank you :)

  • I'm sorry that you haven't met me

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  • I will say simply, everyone. Fears rejection, and putting yourself out there means being open to pain. Life is pain, it is the very substance by which you know you live. It is how you l suffer and endure that show who you truly are.

    Also... https://youtu.be/1152jLVlQew

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  • Hey I'm overweight , i know i been rejected by girls but I got consider the girls who was attracted to me and dated me. Your really not that much
    overweight. I've dated overweight girls over 200 lbs.

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  • let me just tell you this, you will even with your description be rejected far less than a man

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  • Just lose some weight and you'll gain confidence

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    • I've been like 40 lbs lighter and it didn't help, I actually prefer this version to that, because I ended up being too skinny for my taste at that point. I do plan on improving myself and losing some weight, I just think it really is a mentality thing and the way I see myself that i don't know how to fix, in no relation to how much I weight

    • You need to get a boyfriend then. Who will like you no matter whats your weight

  • you sound beautiful hun in all honesty you need to try and push the nerves aside its hard to do i have the same issue with confidence some times

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  • Schrödinger's cat.

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  • hHah it sounds ugly. u can't ignore food for lifetime if someone give you bad food..
    mistakes happens it's a part of life but learning from mistakes and keep trying is art of life.

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  • lets talk private n we will work this out

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  • would like to know where are you from. I want to give you some personal advice

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  • Your beautiful.

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  • That's not too bad in regards to weight and height. Just be confident and be yourself.

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What Girls Said 7

  • If you are still from/living in Romania - then I know exactly what you are talking about because most of the women there are very thin. If a woman is 65kg she'll just stand out from everyone!

    It's normal for all men and women to go through the pains of rejection and breakups in their teens and 20s for various reasons. Women who are thin are subjected to it too. It just has nothing to do with this - even though you might blame that as being the reason. All because of a few guys who decided you're not their type? Imagine if you were a blonde and a guy said, "Yeah well, I like ethnic-looking women... so if you just work on your hair colour and hit up a tanning bed, maybe you might attract a guy." No, you might fit *their* standards, but not everyone is like that.

    Instead of making yourself crazy about it, make sure you are looking unbelievable in clothes that fit your size and that you are out doing something that takes your mind off guys for a while. Usually people are quite drawn to others who are most comfortable in their own skin.

    Plenty of men would be happy to date you, they might even just be too scared to approach you for fearing of being hurt for their own reasons. You just never know. So instead of trying to find out what you can do to fix something that is naturally there, accept it and focus on the great things about you that no other woman can offer a guy.

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    • haha, yes, I am from Romania and whilst no one bats an eye if someone's too thin, they sure give you a piece of their mind if you seem remotely fat. It really depends where you live.

      I don't know, I've been rejected (or friendzoned as people like to call it, since technically we were friends first) quite a handful of times and each of those guys actually got along great with me, yet they didn't seem to like my appearance. So it can't be my personality, at least I hope not, because I am pretty happy with that one.
      but at the same time, I look at one of my best friends who is athletic, nice body, blonde, amazing personality and much more outgoing than me and she hasn't had a relationship either and I don't get why.
      I have actually improved my style and I've learnt to wear clothes that really flatter me and make me feel good. I have a dress I look bomb in and everyone loved it haha Showing all the right curves

    • I have been focusing on other things since I haven't even been in a relationship at this age, but I sometimes feel lonely.
      But I don't want someone out of pity or loneliness either
      the guy friend whom I've spent over a year stressing over ( who always told me I am in his top 5 favourite people and that feels a connection and other bs) made sure to tell me twice how I should lose weight (for me, not for him) because he can't tell me I'm enough the way I am right now if it's not true. And I finally let go, because I don't want someone putting me down all the time, like he did.
      I do plan on improving my self-esteem and working on myself and I have succeeded a bit, I just wish it was easier because all this lack of confidence is really ruining me and it's projecting onto other "departments" too, like being afraid not to fail in school and stuff.

  • I've been through what you have. i can let my negativity win me over, and basically ruin all my chances before even giving it an actual try.

    so what id do personally is to really just look my best, and forget about how i look afterwards. my focus is always on being fun and relaxed.

    when you're fun and relaxed, it usually attracts the guy (at least in my experiences), and when you see them laughing and smiling, it then comforts you and make you forget all your initial worries.

    its just like a job interview. you just have to force yourself to overcome that initial fear. :)

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  • Hey you sound like a awsome person with personality.

    But look you need to accept that you need to lose weight its what's causing the problem in your confidence and self esteem. The dating world is hard especially these days.

    I'm speaking from experience. I used to be 5'2 and weigh 145 lbs and my bone structure is crazy broad so I looked even bigger and I had bad skin and look much older than I was when I was your age. So I decided to lose the weight cause I got tired of this problem holding me back.

    So currently now I'm 110 lbs with clear skin and a better mood, I'm healthy and happy 😊 than ever.

    And don't care about rejection. Even I still get rejected and I live life happy. Just be yourself and someone will definitely notice.

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  • Confidence is key but if you don't like your figure why not change it?

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  • you sound beautiful honey maybe take some time to yourself and find that confidence you need you can't expect anyone to give it to you, you have to gain that confidence. just spend a lot of time with your self and just try and better your self just take time to learn to love yourself. hope i helped ❤

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  • I understand your inner feelings first thing am saying to is love urself. that make you confident and don't pull such a negative thoughts on your mind. pls change urself

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  • I know how hard it is in our country to date if you aren't the skinny girl with enormous tits and blonde hair, but trust me, I look like a potato and I'm happily in a relationship, so I'm pretty sure that you can succeed too! :)

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