Shy guys, would you turn down a girl because you feel insecure?

Dan is shy and usually doesn't say much. I can get him talking and laughing, and he flirts with me. He knows I had several long-term relationships, and I know he had one long term girlfriend. We're both single now.
I'm attractive. I get hit on a lot, and told I'm beautiful. Dan is one of few people who has never commented on my appearance.
I catch him looking at me in class all the time. He also finds reasons to be close to me. He often asks me to look up things for him on my phone he could easily do himself. Several people have asked if we're dating. When I say no, they assume that I either haven't noticed, or that I am not interested.
This is a relationship I want to pursue, and just assumed he was attracted to me, too. We've been alone a few times, and just before we part ways he sometimes said something like, "Holy fuck." stares at me for a minute, offers a fist bump, and then walks away. I interpreted that as him losing his nerve to make a move.
I've never asked a guy out before, but I wanted this to happen. Last week I asked him out by text, and he immediately answered, "Sounds interesting." I tried to set a day, but he took a long time to answer, and wouldn't commit. Never mentioned it since.
Earlier today I texted him, asking if he was attracted to me or not. He said, "No, I'm not, and I'm not looking to get attached to anyone at the moment." Yet he sometimes talks about getting married or having a wife someday.
He quickly followed that up with, "Why would you be interested in me?" and "Sounds kinda unreal." When I saw him later on, it was like nothing had happened. One of the first things he was talking about was being nervous about an upcoming presentation- even talking about how he was "nervous about his performance". That's an odd choice of words for school work- but not for a potential sexual relationship. I don't know if I'm reading into that too much.
Any opinion is welcome, but I especially want to hear from shy guys. What is going on here?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Hmm... Well this sounds somewhat interesting.

    Now, I'm not particularly shy. But people who are, do not react well to direct conformation, they need to be eased in, hence, the secondary purpose of dating.

    So what I have as an idea (although you have have already done this) is to go out with the guy, like twice a week or something for 2-3 weeks, see if he relaxes a bit or something. And then depending on his reaction to the whole bonding act, you can make an appropriate decision.

    Beware though, he may actually NOT like you regardless of how godlike your beauty may be. And these interpretations of his actions can be wrong. So just keep the possibility of failure in mind.

    • confrontation*

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    • Well, you do seem very much competent enough to efficiently handle this on your own. So yeah, the only way to find out is to spend more quality time with him, see how he reacts to you and the environments you introduce him to. Just remember to view what you observe with the predisposition that he may not actually be into you, so that you can get an objective evaluation.

      I wish you luck though, as I said, you seem like a decent human.

    • Thanks, and I appreciate the suggestion. I'm trying to go forwards based on the assumption that he's telling me the truth. It's difficult to to objective and stay unbiased in this type of situation, though.

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What Guys Said 23

  • I'm shy, but couldn't possibly turn a girl down if she's beautiful, has a nice personality and is into me. In saying that though, he may just be incredibly shy. The text giving it a way for me that he's into you is "Sounds kinda unreal", suggesting to me he's wanted it for a long time and can't believe it's actually happening, so he's terrified. Please keep trying, for the sake of shy guys everywhere

    • Any suggestions on how I can show him it's real without crossing boundaries? I don't want him to be terrified. It's hard to imagine that he feels that way, but I suppose it's possible. He's difficult to read, though he has admitted to me that he is sensitive.

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    • Thanks, but shy guys are my type. In the pre-dating stage in my previous relationships, it's not unusual for them to be unsure. I've never had one outright reject me like this, though. That's got me thrown off.
      However- in my experience- once they've accepted that I'm truly interested and we're together, they are such passionate boyfriends. That's worth waiting for.
      Because of his rejection of me, I doubt that will happen here. I have some hope, but I just don't know.

    • Well I wish more girls had that view. But yeah I think you've got the right attitude. Don't get your hopes too high, but keep trying. It would just be a real pity for him to miss out on something great.

  • In my opinion, the "Sounds kinda unreal" makes it all pretty obvious. He can't even imagine you might like him because he's probably thinking you're way above his league. Never has he thaught that he could have a chance with you.

    • Any thoughts on how I convince him this is for real?

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    • I like the specific time frame, thank you.

    • Anytime.

  • He might take relationships really seriously and is afraid you are just looking for a fling. Not every guy are for those, some look only serious relationships. Take slow, let him get used to the idea. Ask him to do something that could be interpret as non date thing you do. He might want to want to get on friend level first. Now his comments really sound that he thinks you'll use him as a bandage for previous relationship or some non-serious fling that is not his thing.

    • That's fair. My last relationship ended a few months ago, and he is aware of that fact. He only started getting more friendly and flirty with me after I became single. I guess it would be reasonable of him to be worried about being a rebound. Or he's just not into me. Not sure.

  • Well it's a complex situation and I can't say for sure because I haven't seen his behavior. Having said that you say that both the times you have mentioned it, it was via text. That might give him time to freak out or feel that you're trying prank him. But there's also the possibility that he doesn't see you like that.

    My advice would be to try to get with him one on one. Don't make it feel like a date, just hagout together but in a place where you can have some privacy and there won't be "external pressure". Once there bring out the topic: don't force it but don't let him escape by the tangent, and ask him how he feels.

    If he says no, it's the end of the road. If he gets nervous and uncomfortable (like can't keep hands still or looking down or trying to avoid your eyes) that might be a good sign (not sure obviously). If you feel like he's nervous try to help him.

    I don't know if that helps but... yeah... anyway if you have more questions about shy guys, message me. 25 years of being one xD

  • Like someone else said, he is probably physically attracted to you, but just doesn't want to date you. I know I am sexually attracted to any girl that looks good, but most of them I don't want to date. Sleep with sure, but date... nah, only very few of them.

    • Thanks, that's fair. He's got a right to whatever standards he has. Stings a bit that I may be falling short of them somehow, but such is life, I guess.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I do not think he is interested. Perhaps he does not want to get involved with anyone


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