Shy guys, would you turn down a girl because you feel insecure?

Dan is shy and usually doesn't say much. I can get him talking and laughing, and he flirts with me. He knows I had several long-term relationships, and I know he had one long term girlfriend. We're both single now.
I'm attractive. I get hit on a lot, and told I'm beautiful. Dan is one of few people who has never commented on my appearance.
I catch him looking at me in class all the time. He also finds reasons to be close to me. He often asks me to look up things for him on my phone he could easily do himself. Several people have asked if we're dating. When I say no, they assume that I either haven't noticed, or that I am not interested.
This is a relationship I want to pursue, and just assumed he was attracted to me, too. We've been alone a few times, and just before we part ways he sometimes said something like, "Holy fuck." stares at me for a minute, offers a fist bump, and then walks away. I interpreted that as him losing his nerve to make a move.
I've never asked a guy out before, but I wanted this to happen. Last week I asked him out by text, and he immediately answered, "Sounds interesting." I tried to set a day, but he took a long time to answer, and wouldn't commit. Never mentioned it since.
Earlier today I texted him, asking if he was attracted to me or not. He said, "No, I'm not, and I'm not looking to get attached to anyone at the moment." Yet he sometimes talks about getting married or having a wife someday.
He quickly followed that up with, "Why would you be interested in me?" and "Sounds kinda unreal." When I saw him later on, it was like nothing had happened. One of the first things he was talking about was being nervous about an upcoming presentation- even talking about how he was "nervous about his performance". That's an odd choice of words for school work- but not for a potential sexual relationship. I don't know if I'm reading into that too much.
Any opinion is welcome, but I especially want to hear from shy guys. What is going on here?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hmm... Well this sounds somewhat interesting.

    Now, I'm not particularly shy. But people who are, do not react well to direct conformation, they need to be eased in, hence, the secondary purpose of dating.

    So what I have as an idea (although you have have already done this) is to go out with the guy, like twice a week or something for 2-3 weeks, see if he relaxes a bit or something. And then depending on his reaction to the whole bonding act, you can make an appropriate decision.

    Beware though, he may actually NOT like you regardless of how godlike your beauty may be. And these interpretations of his actions can be wrong. So just keep the possibility of failure in mind.

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    • confrontation*

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    • Well, you do seem very much competent enough to efficiently handle this on your own. So yeah, the only way to find out is to spend more quality time with him, see how he reacts to you and the environments you introduce him to. Just remember to view what you observe with the predisposition that he may not actually be into you, so that you can get an objective evaluation.

      I wish you luck though, as I said, you seem like a decent human.

    • Thanks, and I appreciate the suggestion. I'm trying to go forwards based on the assumption that he's telling me the truth. It's difficult to to objective and stay unbiased in this type of situation, though.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 23

  • "No, I'm not, and I'm not looking to get attached to anyone at the moment."
    The thing is, he may find you attractive, but not be interested in having a relationship with you.
    This could be for many reasons, such as religious, political, cultural, etc.

    Yes, it sounds like he's attracted to you. And is shocked you'd be interested in him.

    However, not wanting to get attached to anyone, means he's not ready for a relationship.
    If he was just shy, he'd have blown it off differently. After all, you already asked him out, so why hide his interest?

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    • ^What this guy said

    • Hmm, so you think he is, but he said he's not to make sure it goes nowhere?
      What about the "nervous about my performance" comment? Is that just random bullshit I'm reading too much into, or is he hinting at something?

    • He's nervous about the presentation.
      You're reading too much into it.

      It would actually be more odd if he was talking about a sexual relationship. Especially since he isn't even in a relationship.

  • Well it's a complex situation and I can't say for sure because I haven't seen his behavior. Having said that you say that both the times you have mentioned it, it was via text. That might give him time to freak out or feel that you're trying prank him. But there's also the possibility that he doesn't see you like that.

    My advice would be to try to get with him one on one. Don't make it feel like a date, just hagout together but in a place where you can have some privacy and there won't be "external pressure". Once there bring out the topic: don't force it but don't let him escape by the tangent, and ask him how he feels.

    If he says no, it's the end of the road. If he gets nervous and uncomfortable (like can't keep hands still or looking down or trying to avoid your eyes) that might be a good sign (not sure obviously). If you feel like he's nervous try to help him.

    I don't know if that helps but... yeah... anyway if you have more questions about shy guys, message me. 25 years of being one xD

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  • You've asked him everything through texts. I know that feels easier but you need to spend more private time with him, just you two.

    You go to same class, why not study together and make moves from there. Let's say you study together somewhere, you can just throw out the question if he wants to go to a movie with you or something. Like "you want to see the new movie" x" with me?". Or even if he can follow you to the mall or anything.

    About attraction part, I think it's a bad question. If it's only about attraction it's not very serious and he maybe doesn't want you to think he fantasize about you. The word attracted can be very sexual in its meaning. So I wouldn't take that answer to seriously.

    The best way is not to ask these things through texts also because you don't see how he reacts. His body language will tell the truth.

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  • Sounds like he's just very anxious. He might need you to make all the first moves and basically lead him by the hand for the first few steps. He'll need time to feel comfortable around you and from my experience as being like that, sometimes it helps to knock down the wall that separates friendship from something more. So whether that is simply kissing or sex or a date that goes really well, he'll need to feel like he knows exactly where you both stand before he starts feeling confident enough to make moves

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    • I'd be more comfortable doing something like that if he hadn't flat out said he's not attracted to me. How weird would it be for a guy if a girl he isn't attracted to kissed him?

    • Ah sorry, I must have missed that part when reading your post. My mistake.

  • 75% of men might see a very beautiful girl and think wow she is absolutely beautiful as they're walking by thinking that her boyfriend is the lucky guy maybe Dan is one of them has he ever been out on a date before does he have any money does he have a car there are many things of all the guy back I'm sure secretly he is foaming at the mouth and you are his fantasy girl but with some guys if the situation is just not right in his head they lose out on this opportunity of a lifetime and he will always kick himself in the butt for years to come so if you really want to tap and you have to make it happen I'm sure there is a good reason logical reason or at least in his head but you're right he's probably just nervous and scared true beauty

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    • Thanks for that, it'd be nice if that was correct.

  • I would turn you down if I was him. I might even think you're tricking me. Because it's hard to believe that a popular girl can be interested in average shy guy.

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    • Shy guys are my type. I've had several good long-term relationships (over a year) with shy guys, and never bothered with the jocks or the bad boys. Those relationships may not have worked out in the end, but it was usually due to differences in future plans or life goals- for example, one went to a far-off university. Never had one treat me badly, and I'd like to think I was good to them, too. I find they're great boyfriends.
      I met Dan 6 months ago, and he hasn't known anyone I dated, so I'm not sure he really gets that he really is my type. Can he be convinced, or should I respect his rejection of me?


    • I can't comment on that. You're the captain of your ship and you must decide. I don't want to get involved too much, for most people take my advises as an insult.

  • I'm shy, but couldn't possibly turn a girl down if she's beautiful, has a nice personality and is into me. In saying that though, he may just be incredibly shy. The text giving it a way for me that he's into you is "Sounds kinda unreal", suggesting to me he's wanted it for a long time and can't believe it's actually happening, so he's terrified. Please keep trying, for the sake of shy guys everywhere

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    • Any suggestions on how I can show him it's real without crossing boundaries? I don't want him to be terrified. It's hard to imagine that he feels that way, but I suppose it's possible. He's difficult to read, though he has admitted to me that he is sensitive.

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    • Thanks, but shy guys are my type. In the pre-dating stage in my previous relationships, it's not unusual for them to be unsure. I've never had one outright reject me like this, though. That's got me thrown off.
      However- in my experience- once they've accepted that I'm truly interested and we're together, they are such passionate boyfriends. That's worth waiting for.
      Because of his rejection of me, I doubt that will happen here. I have some hope, but I just don't know.

    • Well I wish more girls had that view. But yeah I think you've got the right attitude. Don't get your hopes too high, but keep trying. It would just be a real pity for him to miss out on something great.

  • In my opinion, the "Sounds kinda unreal" makes it all pretty obvious. He can't even imagine you might like him because he's probably thinking you're way above his league. Never has he thaught that he could have a chance with you.

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    • Any thoughts on how I convince him this is for real?

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    • I like the specific time frame, thank you.

  • If I was a shy guy and a girl asked me out I would go without hesitation because I just don’t give a crp. I am thinking that he really just isn’t simply interested (just curious by looking) I can relate to that or maybe he is just being cautious in the rape culture environment you are in (campus right?). If I was still in school I would only date at bars far away from campus and not take any chances with a student.

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  • He might take relationships really seriously and is afraid you are just looking for a fling. Not every guy are for those, some look only serious relationships. Take slow, let him get used to the idea. Ask him to do something that could be interpret as non date thing you do. He might want to want to get on friend level first. Now his comments really sound that he thinks you'll use him as a bandage for previous relationship or some non-serious fling that is not his thing.

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    • That's fair. My last relationship ended a few months ago, and he is aware of that fact. He only started getting more friendly and flirty with me after I became single. I guess it would be reasonable of him to be worried about being a rebound. Or he's just not into me. Not sure.

  • I am a shy guy and i wouldn't say no.

    I think He does find you attractive hense him being surprised you would be interested in him.
    Just because he wants a wife one day doesn't mean that he wants a relationship right now. Maybe he's just still not over his ex.
    If he didn't like you at all he would have worded his answer differently. It would have been an obvious friend zoneing answer.

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  • Like someone else said, he is probably physically attracted to you, but just doesn't want to date you. I know I am sexually attracted to any girl that looks good, but most of them I don't want to date. Sleep with sure, but date... nah, only very few of them.

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    • Thanks, that's fair. He's got a right to whatever standards he has. Stings a bit that I may be falling short of them somehow, but such is life, I guess.

  • Perhaps. It depends on the guy. But yes, it is possible you could be turned down due to their insecurities. That doesn't mean you won't ever find love, because it's still likely to happen.

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  • A shy guy here speaking, I can't talk for all shy guys but I can never turn down a girl because I'm too shy and nice to say NO to her. Dan is probably scared you don't like him that way maybe you just want to play prank on him because he sees you as someone very beautiful who can get any guy, what will you do with someone like him who isn't confident. At least that's what I'll think

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  • I would accept if she asked me out. I would think it was a joke though because I was made fun of growing up and that was one of the things that women did to me.

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    • He kind of did accept, but won't set a day/time.
      What would have convinced you it was genuine?

    • it's one of those things that I would accept but also be ready for a trick. I fell for that a few times where I then became skeptical. I've never had someone genuinely want to date me

  • Go slow, keep the pursuit

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  • It seems that you were friendzoned. But he appreciates you as a friend for sure.

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  • Most shy people I know (including me) aim to please every possible person, so he might not be interested. But he may be scared of committing to someone because of his previous relationship.

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  • Yeah

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  • No...

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  • no why the hell would I :)

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  • Even me

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  • Im shy but if a girl asked me out id say yes if i liked her

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What Girls Said 1

  • I do not think he is interested. Perhaps he does not want to get involved with anyone

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