Why am I being cheated on... every time?

I've had 3 long term relationships as an adult: all three proposed, one turned into a short lived marriage, all three ended up cheating on me. What I have been doing wrong is unknown.

I stay in shape, I take good care of them, I treat their friends and family like my own (most important thing in my life), regular sex (as often as possible), spontaneous trips and adventures, romantic nights in, I take care of myself, have always had my own life and have been financially responsible. I'm supportive, inspire them to go after their dreams and help them achieve anything they want in life. It is incredibly important to me to be a worthy partner, to me you don't ever stop showing that your partner matters to you and that they are worth putting out the effort for.

Every guy I've dated has said the same lines: I don't deserve you, you could have anybody, why me?, etc. if they feel this way... and know that I expect loyalty in return for my own... why would they sleep with another woman?

What can I do to stop this cycle before I get into my next relationship?

Any advice would truly be appreciated, because at this point I don't know what else I can do to be a better partner. I give 100% and end up in the same situation over and over again. Thank you for your time.

-Nicky

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Most Helpful Guy

  • There are 3 types of relationships: romantic, for having sex, and for working together for the same goal. It's extremely hard to find a person who would be a good match in all 3 categories. In fact, it's almost impossible. What are you mostly looking for? What did the guys you had were looking for?

    There is also something else. Even if you have found the best possible guy, you should still expect that he might cheat. It is in the human nature that after some time, we (humans) want some variety. It is extremely hard for a guy (or a girl for that matter) to tell you about his will to have another partner once a week (because girls are likely to react badly). But if he cheats, the major question to ask is: why? If it's just sex and he considers you his main girlfriend, then it's probably fine (assuming you are ok with open relationships). If he spends more time with her, then he probably considers you as a close friend due to lack of emotional closeness. It might be that he wants to keep you because he likes you as a friend, or it can be that he doesn't feel much towards you but you are a good provider.

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    • I would suggest paying attention to the values the guys have and whether they match yours. Also, ask them What should I expect from you? (i. e. long-term/short-term relationship, particular behavior, habbits) This will give you a reasonably good idea of the person. Ask yourself Will he stay with me and take care of me if I have an accident and get a disability? This question helps you keep your expectations of the person more real.

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    • I will give one example just to illustrate how cheating works. There are moments when it's really hard to say the truth. Imagine you have just had the first sex with the guy you love, but it wasn't any good for you. He asks: Did you enjoy having sex with me? Will you be able to reply "no"?

      The similar story works with guys. "I have a great girl, but I don't really enjoy the sex much. It feels the same every time" Will he be able to tell his girl this? Will he be willing to cheat? Will he cheat? All of these depends on both of you: what he wants and his expectations of your reaction.

    • The thing to remember is that any monogamy relationship (i. e. having the same one partner forever) is a sacrifice. Traditional relationships (marriages) are forced by society (and religion), because they are otherwise unstable as nature isn't interested in them. Even after all the pressure from society we have about 80% of marriages resulting in a divorce. That's why it's important that your values match his values, and you feel the same to each other

Most Helpful Girl

  • I wonder if you're perhaps giving too much and expecting too little? Shitty people take advantage of people like that. Are you always putting them first but looking past it when they don't do the same for you? When you allow people to push your boundaries, they will continue to push them further. And when you essentially tell people over and over again that they are most important than you, they will treat you accordingly. It's not right and it's not fair. You deserve to be treated as kindly as you treat others. Don't stop bring a great partner who cares for and supports your future partner - but make sure that your efforts are being reciprocated And, if they're not, accept that you deserve better than that.

    To be clear - it is not your fault thst these guys are dicks. But you wanted to know what you could do differently so I've tried to offer a bit of insight and I hope that it helps.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 64

  • 1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship. This was the most common reason cited by individuals in the Omarzu study. Recall that the large majority of the sample were women. Both women and men who enter into affairs are hoping to improve their sex lives. They may enjoy many other mutual activities but, for whatever reason, the sex is not working out for them.

    2. Desire for additional sexual encounters. This was a relatively infrequent reason cited by the individuals in this study. It’s possible that more people had this as a reason but didn’t want to admit to it as it is not a very socially desirable wish to articulate.

    3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship. Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Participants who stated the need for emotional closeness in an affair felt they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.

    4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else. Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that both have in their relationship.

    5. Falling out of love with your partner. This was a relatively insignificant reason in the Omarzu study, perhaps because “love” is so difficult to define. In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.

    6. Falling in love with someone new. Very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair. Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor that leads partners to stray.

    7. Your wanting to seek revenge. In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy. Hollywood enjoys exploiting this category (think “American Beauty”), but in reality very few participants cited this as the main cause of their affairs.

    8. You’re curious and want new experiences. People who cited this reason felt that they wanted something new, this motivation went beyond curiosity and into some type of contest to measure their sexual prowess. It might have been less complicated for them to compete on the tennis court or golf course, but the allure of someone and something new led them to choose this particular form of challenge.

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  • First off, it has nothing to do with you. There's nothing you could've done differently to have made them more loyal. Cheaters cheat, okay? Don't feel guilty or like any less of a person or less of a partner because you were cheated on. It seems you know that, but I always want to make sure that people understand that. If someone cheats on you, it's a problem with them and their life, not you.

    Secondly, it may have something to do with the men that women generally find attractive. Women are generally attracted to very "masculine" men; i. e. self-assured, narcissistic, impulsive, selfish, arrogant, etc.. You sound like a wonderful woman, so you're probably able to get the most attractive men, who unfortunately, more often than not exhibit Dark Triad traits. There are very good attractive men, but most attractive men are not good, because why should they be? Women are attracted to them anyways (possibly because of how independent and self-assured dark personality traits make them) so why would they change? You can find a good attractive man. It just takes a while.

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  • I think you invest too much , too fast and don't pay attention to the red flags because you're ' in love'.

    Sometimes you have to step back and access the relationship early on to see if it's worth pursuing, or if the love is a one way street.

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  • Because you chose people, or find people in areas that are known to have party players. Or the "type" of guy you like is a bit controlling but a gentleman, and uses this type to be manipulative and be a player as well. Sorry to say, you've been drawn into a black pit of manipulator type people, but one day you will find a genuine dude. We all do.

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    • I can't seem to break out of the "Alpha" type. Feeling like I have someone to protect me is incredibly important... just don't know how to tell the difference between a player and someone who is genuine.

    • I honestly understand what you mean. The best way to beat that "type", is to just work on yourself. Realise your full and true power ad an independent woman, and see what you really do need in a man.

  • this is an easy one...
    its poor choice of men --> there is obviously something you are ignoring when you choose certain guys... most likely choosing guys that aren't really into you but that you are really into them --> so they don't value you as much as you value them

    --> the trick to an amazing relationship is finding someone where you both kinda value each other as equal as possible...

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  • Could be a lack of maturity, but also, if a person has bad character (and cheating is an indicator), it may not matter what you do. Take a closer look at the kinds of guys you've dated and think about what you want and realistically can have in a guy. My top criteria for a woman are her character and personality. Helps weed out quite a few bad apples.

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  • You sound absolutely wonderful! I'm sorry about this, I've never cheated and none of my friends have either, male or female.

    Cheaters are scum, absolute scum. Are you going for bad boys? Or men who are absolute morons?

    Try only dating who very explicitly despise cheaters and don't make excuses for them. A lot of people are scum and cheat.

    Fuck those heartless, self centered assholes. They should get into open relationships if they can't stay exclusive.

    Dumbasses.

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  • I don't know what you could have done better. I would love to have girlfriend like that.

    If someone says "You are too good for me"'I assume they have low self-esteem and that you are really good looking, but I think they are correct, if they cheated you, they don't deserve you. Remember, it's nothing to do with you, you haven't done anything wrong, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

    Truly best way to find out why they cheated, is asking from them.

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  • Hello Nicky.

    It seems to me your going after the same type of guys over and over again. A lot of women say they don't have a type when in fact (subconsciously) they do. Try breaking away from who you think you belong or should be with and maybe try someone different.

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  • Sounds like you need a break from relationships right now. Cheating is only the cheater’s fault. They made a conscious decision to act against the established relationship and it shows a lack for caring about you. I only know one person that cheated and that is my cousin. Personally, I hate her for it but out of respect for my aunt, I let it go. Cheaters are scum and all they had to do was leave before doing something that wrong.

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  • My advice is to take a fucking break from relationships !

    Don't put your hopes high on someone unless its really worth it

    And jugging by what you said... These men are pussies plain and simple.
    most people are pussies regarding commitment these days.

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  • You seem to be quite lovable but the real question here is... Are you fuckable enough? By fuckable I don't question that you are in good shape etc but you try to be a relationship material girl and you may have forgotten the whore inside you.

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    • Although this may be a little TMI... don't have a problem in that area. Very high drive and playful. Sex is incredibly fun with a long term partner, and is kind of a must in my relationships. I get frustrated without it. lol

  • You either have completely shit taste in men, or you’re an unreliable narrator.

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    • Yeah, my choices weren't the best. First two were unemployed for the last half of our relationship and I was stupid and paid their way. Third one was roommates with his ex. They all started out in a good place... and just... kept getting worse as time went on.

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    • Yeah, unfortunately it is usually the guys who get screwed out of their money. It's wrong either way. Sorry to hear that you know my pain. lol

    • and thank you, I appreciate it.

  • i think these lines are rather telling considering your experience
    " I don't deserve you, you could have anybody, why me?"

    to me it shows a high level of insecurity. often insecurity manifests in doing things to feel good about oneself often without thought for how it may impact them beyond that moment. if they feel inadequate of being with you they may never feel fully secure in the relationship. thus they may prone to do things that may put the relationship in jeopardy as they don't believe you will stay with them in the long term due to feeling inadequate

    so i'd say that it has something to do with the guys you've been with. i'd look at the similarities in these guys and what in those personalities (like high levels of insecurities or a sense of inadequacy) that would tend towards cheating

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  • I think it’s just that you’ve had a rough time. There’s guys out there that value loyalty... you just have to find them. I’m sure you’re search would be way easier if they were a devoted Christian because they would have an aptitude for loyalty, integrity, and genuineness already. Just a thought!

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  • Maybe be a little harder to get? These dudes are trash. Sounds like you're finding guys that don't respect themselves and giving them everything they don't need. The only thing they need is to respect themselves. Until they've done it, stay away.

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  • Try getting some personal counseling, to see how you might be sabotaging relationships by how you choose men. Counseling could also help you gain insights into what to look for in men, what to avoid and what to seek. This has helped people I know.

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  • When a guy says "I don't deserve you" believe him. He's warning you that he's going to behave badly.

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  • You're dating the wrong guys or guys who don't aren't mature enough yet. People can change their behavior at any time. You just have to figure out their past behavior before they make it their future behavior. People suck, especially in dating.

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  • That's just me :( happened to me same situation but the girl always screws up 😂 :(

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    • Sorry to hear that. It sucks huh?

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    • I know exactly what you mean. I'm into long term too. Have built a great life for myself, looking for someone to share it with. I understand completely. lol

    • It's not easy finding that at this age especially when people have the mentally of blaming all girls saying they don't think long term when some do and girls blaming guys the same way. It's how their mentally is and how their raised. If they play boys they have mommy issues if they hoes they got daddy issues it's a fact lol

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What Girls Said 13

  • Nicky, I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this, but I guess the problem here is that you are doing too much for them and probably giving in emotionally so much that you happen to not notice any red flags,
    Or, you end up being such a sweetheart that they take you for granted and end up walking all over you.
    Dont worry dear, if you ever need to talk, I got your back.
    Take care and don't lose hope

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  • I agree with MadHatters4. The type of person that you’re attracted to or that you’re attracting is deeply insecure. I have found that people who are deeply insecure often exhibit those typical “alpha” characteristics - it tends to be a fake it until you make it situation. I think that you need to learn to tell the difference between confidence and bravado. It can be difficult, but I think that’s the only thing that’s wrong here.

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  • You seem so nice and that’s great, but I think you need to also have boundaries. I am a very giving person. When I am with a partner I enjoy taking care of them, cooking etc. but I let them know, in no uncertain terms, that if they cheat, I am coming after them (with the same knife I used to make their dinner), to cut it off! In a relationship, you need to outline your expectations, wants and needs.

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  • I think the problem might actually be that your giving 100% as crazy as it sounds. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50 if your giving 100% to the relationship there nothing left for him to give. Lean on him a little more or play a little harder to get. Guys like fighting for what they want. Or maybe I'm completely wrong and the right guy just hasn't come along yet, but that's just my opinion. I hope your next relationship works out!

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    • You are wrong. Relationships are supposedto be 180%. 90% each give in and keep 10% for themselves.

    • Well that's another way to look at it but you shouldn't say I'm wrong. Its an opinion. Just because mine is different than yours doesn't mean I'm wrong.

    • @Krumpir well but if 90% are given, and only 10% of these are taken, then 80% are wasted :P

  • It sounds like you are trying too hard to be the "perfect girlfriend". Relationships are about give and take, and when your boyfriend is acting like an asshole you need to see that they are acting like an asshole, not make excuses for them and wonder what it is you are doing wrong. It is not you, it's them.
    As for what you can do better, probably nothing. Just be pickier about guys. You might be single longer but at least you won't get cheated on.

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  • you are deeply in love and blinded by it, take a moment some time and see what is going on, look what the man is doing

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  • It is not you. Ever. Do not ever blame yourself for why your exes cheated on you. It is the way they are... Maybe right now, just enjoy being single. Love yourself more and learn to accept not everyone will love you the way you love them. I think you sound like a very giving person and maybe that is your downfall. You give all of you to them when they only give you what they want to give or maybe nothing at all. One day, you will meet a wonderful man who will love you for you. You're amazing and always remember you deserve better than these cheaters. All the best <3

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  • There's really not enough Q&As to create a sound solid foundation for an answer but I cannot recommend psyc counselors any more than interior decorators that simple drain your account.

    So my guesses include
    1. your age bracket is one where everyone are still dating, too many non-married, committed souls in the marketplace still... until at least 31yo
    2. more & more people "settle" and then disrespect their choices to move on to "greener pastures"
    3. you are attractive to these butterflies, just as much as other gals attract them away
    4. you are attracted to butterflies more than guys ready to commit - your radar can't seem to distinguish
    5. too good to be true IRONICALLY comes in #2 to bad gals giving an E-ticket ride, even if only shortly... this swings both ways, guys OR gals
    6. you worry too much to make things happen/work instead of concentrating on the real goal = Perfect Fit, Best Match = The One that makes life fun... effortlessly

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  • This is why I'm not dealing with dating right now. Nobody knows how to act.

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  • Maybe you're too great as a girlfriend that it freak them out so they do something stupid like cheating.

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  • one woman will never be enough for some men.

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  • Maybe it's the type of guy you feel attracted to.

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  • you have to ask yourself

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