Why am I being cheated on... every time?

I've had 3 long term relationships as an adult: all three proposed, one turned into a short lived marriage, all three ended up cheating on me. What I have been doing wrong is unknown.

I stay in shape, I take good care of them, I treat their friends and family like my own (most important thing in my life), regular sex (as often as possible), spontaneous trips and adventures, romantic nights in, I take care of myself, have always had my own life and have been financially responsible. I'm supportive, inspire them to go after their dreams and help them achieve anything they want in life. It is incredibly important to me to be a worthy partner, to me you don't ever stop showing that your partner matters to you and that they are worth putting out the effort for.

Every guy I've dated has said the same lines: I don't deserve you, you could have anybody, why me?, etc. if they feel this way... and know that I expect loyalty in return for my own... why would they sleep with another woman?

What can I do to stop this cycle before I get into my next relationship?

Any advice would truly be appreciated, because at this point I don't know what else I can do to be a better partner. I give 100% and end up in the same situation over and over again. Thank you for your time.

-Nicky


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  • I wonder if you're perhaps giving too much and expecting too little? Shitty people take advantage of people like that. Are you always putting them first but looking past it when they don't do the same for you? When you allow people to push your boundaries, they will continue to push them further. And when you essentially tell people over and over again that they are most important than you, they will treat you accordingly. It's not right and it's not fair. You deserve to be treated as kindly as you treat others. Don't stop bring a great partner who cares for and supports your future partner - but make sure that your efforts are being reciprocated And, if they're not, accept that you deserve better than that.

    To be clear - it is not your fault thst these guys are dicks. But you wanted to know what you could do differently so I've tried to offer a bit of insight and I hope that it helps.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 64

  • 1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship. This was the most common reason cited by individuals in the Omarzu study. Recall that the large majority of the sample were women. Both women and men who enter into affairs are hoping to improve their sex lives. They may enjoy many other mutual activities but, for whatever reason, the sex is not working out for them.

    2. Desire for additional sexual encounters. This was a relatively infrequent reason cited by the individuals in this study. It’s possible that more people had this as a reason but didn’t want to admit to it as it is not a very socially desirable wish to articulate.

    3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship. Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Participants who stated the need for emotional closeness in an affair felt they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.

    4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else. Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that both have in their relationship.

    5. Falling out of love with your partner. This was a relatively insignificant reason in the Omarzu study, perhaps because “love” is so difficult to define. In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.

    6. Falling in love with someone new. Very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair. Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor that leads partners to stray.

    7. Your wanting to seek revenge. In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy. Hollywood enjoys exploiting this category (think “American Beauty”), but in reality very few participants cited this as the main cause of their affairs.

    8. You’re curious and want new experiences. People who cited this reason felt that they wanted something new, this motivation went beyond curiosity and into some type of contest to measure their sexual prowess. It might have been less complicated for them to compete on the tennis court or golf course, but the allure of someone and something new led them to choose this particular form of challenge.

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  • i think these lines are rather telling considering your experience
    " I don't deserve you, you could have anybody, why me?"

    to me it shows a high level of insecurity. often insecurity manifests in doing things to feel good about oneself often without thought for how it may impact them beyond that moment. if they feel inadequate of being with you they may never feel fully secure in the relationship. thus they may prone to do things that may put the relationship in jeopardy as they don't believe you will stay with them in the long term due to feeling inadequate

    so i'd say that it has something to do with the guys you've been with. i'd look at the similarities in these guys and what in those personalities (like high levels of insecurities or a sense of inadequacy) that would tend towards cheating

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  • They Say things along the lines of "I don't deserve you, you could have anybody, why me? That's the most desturbing statement. Sounds like a compliment but it's deaper implications aren't. A guy who is putting 50% or more investment in the relationship will never say that. That's something people say when there is something to be guilty bout. A guy who is giving all he got in a relationship deserves the girl he is with. A guy who is failing u somehow while u are the perfect girlfriend would say such things

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  • First off, it has nothing to do with you. There's nothing you could've done differently to have made them more loyal. Cheaters cheat, okay? Don't feel guilty or like any less of a person or less of a partner because you were cheated on. It seems you know that, but I always want to make sure that people understand that. If someone cheats on you, it's a problem with them and their life, not you.

    Secondly, it may have something to do with the men that women generally find attractive. Women are generally attracted to very "masculine" men; i. e. self-assured, narcissistic, impulsive, selfish, arrogant, etc.. You sound like a wonderful woman, so you're probably able to get the most attractive men, who unfortunately, more often than not exhibit Dark Triad traits. There are very good attractive men, but most attractive men are not good, because why should they be? Women are attracted to them anyways (possibly because of how independent and self-assured dark personality traits make them) so why would they change? You can find a good attractive man. It just takes a while.

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  • Would you say you rush into relationships? I. E. is a relationship a 'prerequisite' for sex to you? This is the sort of thing that invites a guy to fake it just to get to the sex. It's not really a flaw on your part - it's more about incompatibility.

    On the other hand, if you start with some sort of friends with benefits relationship and the guy knows he's free to walk away at any moment, if the sex is good it will slowly dawn on him that he should be afraid that you could walk away at any moment. That's when guys get serious.

    Of course if the sex isn't good that's a whole other thing. Girls are good at sex by wanting it, and if you don't want sex why even bother with relationships? Ordinary friendships would probably serve just as well.

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  • They cheat because that is who they are. That is the character and selfishness they have. It says NOTHING about you. The only "bad" thing it may say about you is your screening process and your ability to choose good men. It sounds like your screening process may not be good and your red flag warning doesn't go off enough or loudly enough and maybe you are too nice. Maybe another women would have bolted early in the dating process based on something these men did but you just kept going and you stayed in the relationship when you should have long ago bailed.

    You don't do anything to "make" people cheat on you. No one deserves that or "causes" that. That is all on those low character, selfish guys.

    I'd say you might just "cling" to a man and stay with him when there are probably warning signs that many other women see and they stop dating. I'd be interested in knowing how your screening process is.

    I hope you find a high character, loyal guy soon.

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  • Hey, Nicky. Sorry that you had to go through this. First thing that you have to understand is that this is not your fault.

    Second thing is to try to understand if this is a behavior pattern (you're attracted to jerks) or just some environmental problem (most of the guys who you know are jerks).

    Last but not least, my advice is: hang in there and pay attention to their behavior in the beginning. Look for the early signs when you start dating someone.

    You seem to be a nice girl, you end up with a nice guy. ;)

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  • There are 3 types of relationships: romantic, for having sex, and for working together for the same goal. It's extremely hard to find a person who would be a good match in all 3 categories. In fact, it's almost impossible. What are you mostly looking for? What did the guys you had were looking for?

    There is also something else. Even if you have found the best possible guy, you should still expect that he might cheat. It is in the human nature that after some time, we (humans) want some variety. It is extremely hard for a guy (or a girl for that matter) to tell you about his will to have another partner once a week (because girls are likely to react badly). But if he cheats, the major question to ask is: why? If it's just sex and he considers you his main girlfriend, then it's probably fine (assuming you are ok with open relationships). If he spends more time with her, then he probably considers you as a close friend due to lack of emotional closeness. It might be that he wants to keep you because he likes you as a friend, or it can be that he doesn't feel much towards you but you are a good provider.

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    • I would suggest paying attention to the values the guys have and whether they match yours. Also, ask them What should I expect from you? (i. e. long-term/short-term relationship, particular behavior, habbits) This will give you a reasonably good idea of the person. Ask yourself Will he stay with me and take care of me if I have an accident and get a disability? This question helps you keep your expectations of the person more real.

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    • I will give one example just to illustrate how cheating works. There are moments when it's really hard to say the truth. Imagine you have just had the first sex with the guy you love, but it wasn't any good for you. He asks: Did you enjoy having sex with me? Will you be able to reply "no"?

      The similar story works with guys. "I have a great girl, but I don't really enjoy the sex much. It feels the same every time" Will he be able to tell his girl this? Will he be willing to cheat? Will he cheat? All of these depends on both of you: what he wants and his expectations of your reaction.

    • The thing to remember is that any monogamy relationship (i. e. having the same one partner forever) is a sacrifice. Traditional relationships (marriages) are forced by society (and religion), because they are otherwise unstable as nature isn't interested in them. Even after all the pressure from society we have about 80% of marriages resulting in a divorce. That's why it's important that your values match his values, and you feel the same to each other

  • this is an easy one...
    its poor choice of men --> there is obviously something you are ignoring when you choose certain guys... most likely choosing guys that aren't really into you but that you are really into them --> so they don't value you as much as you value them

    --> the trick to an amazing relationship is finding someone where you both kinda value each other as equal as possible...

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  • You're choosing wrong. Reassess the type of guy you're attracted to.
    Not all guys are cheaters, not all men are rapists. Somehow the female population has been fed a bill of goods on this.

    Being nice to their family is irrelevant. Guys have three basic needs:
    1. Sex
    2. Food
    3. Love/attention/respect. Especially respect.

    About half of women don't believe this, or they think they can't provide them, or it doesn't matter, or they simply refuse. If you're providing these basic needs for your man he'll swim through shark-infested waters to bring you lemonade. (_Dr. Laura) Seriously, if you're man is taken care of and he cheats you picked a dud.

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  • You need to stop being nice stupidly... be smart cuz guys nowadays not holy men take your niceness for spins... so start knowing them not by their thinking but true ambitions... I know helping others meaning bitches meaning fuck heads being good means fucking them away from you... get away from those fuck heads.. they fucking horrible people skills drain nice ignorant fools from giving to people that need it and like that more.. those dudes fucking love fucking and forgetting love you hun... find more happy men... they can be more able to help you 🤗

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  • It likely has more to do with your taste in men than it does with how you conduct yourself in the relationship. Other than you, what do all three of these men have in common? You are going to have to identify what it is in them that both attracts you and causes them to cheat, then work through it to find a man who doesn't have that trait no matter how much it pulls you in. Many women are attracted to men that are serial cheaters. Those men couldn't be serial cheaters if they didn't attract women. You have to identify and resist it. Hard, but necessary.

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  • When a guy says "I don't deserve you" believe him. He's warning you that he's going to behave badly.

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  • It's one thing and one thing only, the reason why they cheat on you.

    The relationship is not a stable or healthy dynamic. It's a one sided one where you put the others needs first without ever addressing yours.

    You placed he's wotyh above you so he thought he could do better.

    The lines of "you deserve better than me" is psychological abuse to you without you realising.

    I suggest you work through life alone, focusing on your needs only and not others. Then when you know you're needs get into a relationship but don't change anything about yourself.

    Know your place in this world

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  • Sounds like you need a break from relationships right now. Cheating is only the cheater’s fault. They made a conscious decision to act against the established relationship and it shows a lack for caring about you. I only know one person that cheated and that is my cousin. Personally, I hate her for it but out of respect for my aunt, I let it go. Cheaters are scum and all they had to do was leave before doing something that wrong.

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  • You sound absolutely wonderful! I'm sorry about this, I've never cheated and none of my friends have either, male or female.

    Cheaters are scum, absolute scum. Are you going for bad boys? Or men who are absolute morons?

    Try only dating who very explicitly despise cheaters and don't make excuses for them. A lot of people are scum and cheat.

    Fuck those heartless, self centered assholes. They should get into open relationships if they can't stay exclusive.

    Dumbasses.

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  • Could be a lack of maturity, but also, if a person has bad character (and cheating is an indicator), it may not matter what you do. Take a closer look at the kinds of guys you've dated and think about what you want and realistically can have in a guy. My top criteria for a woman are her character and personality. Helps weed out quite a few bad apples.

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  • I don't know what you could have done better. I would love to have girlfriend like that.

    If someone says "You are too good for me"'I assume they have low self-esteem and that you are really good looking, but I think they are correct, if they cheated you, they don't deserve you. Remember, it's nothing to do with you, you haven't done anything wrong, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

    Truly best way to find out why they cheated, is asking from them.

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  • Lovey, you are too good for most guys/almost too good to be true.
    We deal with a massive amount of trash and baggage carrying girls who can't put 3 words together, let alone treat you like family. And you look hot/sexy too.
    They'd probably think their luck has just gone through the roof and feel more confident to pursue other people - and with you on their side, strike luck with them.
    It can be a complex balance to get right - I'd say don't trust them implicitly/limit how sexy you make the whole thing, sort of spoon feed - but that gets tiring, it's like playing a game.
    People carry lots of trauma, sleeping around makes them feel better.

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  • its not your fault in it, mostly people are assholes these days.
    you just have to find the right one

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  • My advice is to take a fucking break from relationships !

    Don't put your hopes high on someone unless its really worth it

    And jugging by what you said... These men are pussies plain and simple.
    most people are pussies regarding commitment these days.

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  • You simply met wrong people..
    If I got a girlfriend/ wife like you, I would be satisfied, could trust my partner and could concentrate on my art.. Unfortunately you dont live in cologne, Germany..

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  • I think it’s just that you’ve had a rough time. There’s guys out there that value loyalty... you just have to find them. I’m sure you’re search would be way easier if they were a devoted Christian because they would have an aptitude for loyalty, integrity, and genuineness already. Just a thought!

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  • You either have completely shit taste in men, or you’re an unreliable narrator.

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    • Yeah, my choices weren't the best. First two were unemployed for the last half of our relationship and I was stupid and paid their way. Third one was roommates with his ex. They all started out in a good place... and just... kept getting worse as time went on.

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    • Yeah, unfortunately it is usually the guys who get screwed out of their money. It's wrong either way. Sorry to hear that you know my pain. lol

    • and thank you, I appreciate it.

  • You're dating the wrong guys or guys who don't aren't mature enough yet. People can change their behavior at any time. You just have to figure out their past behavior before they make it their future behavior. People suck, especially in dating.

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  • You're college educated, went to many frat parties, became accustomed to the behavior of ill mannered, spoiled, over pampered shits and think this is how people are. Unfortunately, you keep going back to them. They make up the largest share of players and fuckboys out there. How about not going to the same parties every weekend with your "besties" and give some people you would never think of in a thousand years a look see.

    I know this sounds a little hostile, didn't mean it to, but really I've met many women who say the same things with the above scenario being common to them all.

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    • Very close.
      Actually I served in the Military, tried community college, then went to trade school for Massage Therapy... I have never set foot on University grounds, or been to a frat party. I don't actually go to parties or get wasted at clubs, I spend time with friends I have known for 10+ years and have been through hell and back with.
      Two of my relationships were with Marines, one was an amputee and had suffered through a lot of trauma fighting for our country. No. They weren't pampered, spoiled, ill mannered shits. I've come to realize they just were too damaged to be in a relationship the way I needed them to be.
      Yes, they may have cheated on me, and yes they may have been bad partners... but that does not mean they are bad people. They just have deep issues that were destroying them from the inside out, and as much as I wanted to be there for them, they need to work on that for themselves.

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    • I'll tell you someday if we have more time and less public venue. Tonight is late and I have a 2:45 am alarm.

    • Thats why i had suggested private message. But have a good night, it was nice talking to you.

  • Maybe you treat your partners too good and they don't appreciate it. Sometime's people don't realize what they got until it's gone.

    I encourage you to remind your partners how much you are worth by not spoiling them. Only reward them if they treat you right. It's the same practice when raising children. I don't have children but I've noticed that if you spoil children, they don't appreciate all the things they have and they ask for more. I believe it's the same result when we treat our lovers the same way. Love is earned, not given. Make them earn it from you.

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  • It sounds like you've just encountered guys that aren't ready for what you bring to the table. I met a girl that was wife material, that I avoided simply because I wasn't ready for marriage at the time. If you ask her why I ended it, she'd say that she was the problem, even tho I told her "I didn't deserve her". So while it various to a degree, most often when a guy says he deosnt deserve a girl, it's because he's just not ready for commitment. All you can do is continue becoming a better version of yourself so that when the right guy comes along that is ready for you, you blow his mind.

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  • Maybe be a little harder to get? These dudes are trash. Sounds like you're finding guys that don't respect themselves and giving them everything they don't need. The only thing they need is to respect themselves. Until they've done it, stay away.

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  • Hello Nicky.

    It seems to me your going after the same type of guys over and over again. A lot of women say they don't have a type when in fact (subconsciously) they do. Try breaking away from who you think you belong or should be with and maybe try someone different.

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What Girls Said 13

  • Nicky, I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this, but I guess the problem here is that you are doing too much for them and probably giving in emotionally so much that you happen to not notice any red flags,
    Or, you end up being such a sweetheart that they take you for granted and end up walking all over you.
    Dont worry dear, if you ever need to talk, I got your back.
    Take care and don't lose hope

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  • It is not you. Ever. Do not ever blame yourself for why your exes cheated on you. It is the way they are... Maybe right now, just enjoy being single. Love yourself more and learn to accept not everyone will love you the way you love them. I think you sound like a very giving person and maybe that is your downfall. You give all of you to them when they only give you what they want to give or maybe nothing at all. One day, you will meet a wonderful man who will love you for you. You're amazing and always remember you deserve better than these cheaters. All the best <3

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  • There's really not enough Q&As to create a sound solid foundation for an answer but I cannot recommend psyc counselors any more than interior decorators that simple drain your account.

    So my guesses include
    1. your age bracket is one where everyone are still dating, too many non-married, committed souls in the marketplace still... until at least 31yo
    2. more & more people "settle" and then disrespect their choices to move on to "greener pastures"
    3. you are attractive to these butterflies, just as much as other gals attract them away
    4. you are attracted to butterflies more than guys ready to commit - your radar can't seem to distinguish
    5. too good to be true IRONICALLY comes in #2 to bad gals giving an E-ticket ride, even if only shortly... this swings both ways, guys OR gals
    6. you worry too much to make things happen/work instead of concentrating on the real goal = Perfect Fit, Best Match = The One that makes life fun... effortlessly

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  • I agree with MadHatters4. The type of person that you’re attracted to or that you’re attracting is deeply insecure. I have found that people who are deeply insecure often exhibit those typical “alpha” characteristics - it tends to be a fake it until you make it situation. I think that you need to learn to tell the difference between confidence and bravado. It can be difficult, but I think that’s the only thing that’s wrong here.

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  • You seem so nice and that’s great, but I think you need to also have boundaries. I am a very giving person. When I am with a partner I enjoy taking care of them, cooking etc. but I let them know, in no uncertain terms, that if they cheat, I am coming after them (with the same knife I used to make their dinner), to cut it off! In a relationship, you need to outline your expectations, wants and needs.

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  • you are deeply in love and blinded by it, take a moment some time and see what is going on, look what the man is doing

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  • I think the problem might actually be that your giving 100% as crazy as it sounds. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50 if your giving 100% to the relationship there nothing left for him to give. Lean on him a little more or play a little harder to get. Guys like fighting for what they want. Or maybe I'm completely wrong and the right guy just hasn't come along yet, but that's just my opinion. I hope your next relationship works out!

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    • You are wrong. Relationships are supposedto be 180%. 90% each give in and keep 10% for themselves.

    • Well that's another way to look at it but you shouldn't say I'm wrong. Its an opinion. Just because mine is different than yours doesn't mean I'm wrong.

    • @Krumpir well but if 90% are given, and only 10% of these are taken, then 80% are wasted :P

  • This is why I'm not dealing with dating right now. Nobody knows how to act.

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  • It sounds like you are trying too hard to be the "perfect girlfriend". Relationships are about give and take, and when your boyfriend is acting like an asshole you need to see that they are acting like an asshole, not make excuses for them and wonder what it is you are doing wrong. It is not you, it's them.
    As for what you can do better, probably nothing. Just be pickier about guys. You might be single longer but at least you won't get cheated on.

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  • one woman will never be enough for some men.

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  • Maybe you're too great as a girlfriend that it freak them out so they do something stupid like cheating.

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  • Maybe it's the type of guy you feel attracted to.

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  • you have to ask yourself

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