How to accept love?

Anonymous
I've been talking with this guy four months, about five, and now we are dating I guess. He's really funny, always likes to tease me and joke around but he's also a gentleman. He grew up with a pretty good family and overall he's just great. I really like him. He's 18 and a virgin.
I'm also a virgin, and also never have been in a relationship. I'm 17. I grew up quiet differently. Severe ongoing abuse, sexual assault as a child, neglect, kicked out on the streets at 16 and 17(just recently) for a week at a time — I can go on. We aren't just talking now but he refers to me as his girlfriend now and this and that. Sometimes when we're kissing and getting sexual I'll get anxiety because of fear (based back on the sexual assault) and he always can tell when I'm scared and just stops and holds me and tells me it's alright, but I know it hurts him that sometimes I see a threat instead of safety. It isn't all the time, but sometimes. He said we can stop doing what we are doing for as long as I want u til I feel safe. He wants me to open up to him and trust him but it hurts. I'm scared. When he's not around me I'm paranoid he's with other girls, or I'm scared to have sex because I think he'll just leave, I'm scared to admit how much I'm scared of this relationship to him. He knows of my childhood and wants to make me feel safe but I feel like a brick wall is around me. After I was done giving him a handy (lol) he just laid there and was smiling. I asked him what he was smiling about and he said 'I think your smile is beautiful.' My self esteem has been destroyed all these years and I just nervously laughed because I wasn't used of hearing that, and said 'sure' and he said 'do you not see what I see?'. I can't imagine anyone feeling this way for me and I just think he's going to leave anyways. How do I get over this fear? I know I want him but I can't stand the thought of loving someone and opening up and having them leave. I've never had someone treat me so kindly before.
How to accept love?
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