I don't like the person i've become; how do I change that?


Basically i've allowed one past hurt to pretty much control my entire life for the past 6 (coming on 7) years and it was only today that i realised i've basically become my friend but not in a good way; when i first met my friend she was very blunt and closed off (naturally due to her upbringing) and she confessed to me a few years ago that she wishes she could be more like me and wear her heart on her sleeve.

This was before i became the person who i am now; which is a cold, closed off can be mistaken as heartless in some cases person. I don't open up about anything to anyone unless they specifically ask me and even then i give them the bare minimum; basically my friend has become me before the past hurt and i've become her. I've lost pretty much all my interest in sex as well; now i basically just want to please her and i couldn't care less if i got anything or not. TBH i was always a bit like that anyway

I hate that i've done this mostly subconsciously to avoid the pain and facing the truth that i let the girl do this to me; i am getting therapy but i know that therapy needs to be paired with active treatment on the patients side. So what can i do. For me to just simple open up is not something that i'll just be able to do. It's got to the stage where i don't know how to bring up my past with anyone anymore without getting overwhelmed and breaking down or without raising a HUGE red flag

I want to be free of this control but i don't know how to start

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  • I went through something similar and how I changed was, I kept in my mind who I wanted to be, and acted like that person. Before doing things, I asked myself, "what would the person I want to be do?"

    It feels really weird and it's not easy but after about 1.5 months, for me at least, I went back to who I used to be. Who I wanted to be.

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    • Who i want to be is the me before i met that before, the hopeless romantic that isn't afraid to be romantic and open up instead of the person that specifically does the opposite of that for fear of having open up my own pandora's box

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    • Only way i can be that person is if i do soppy romance stuff, which if i was a few dates in would prob work, but i've not met this person yet and i'm scared she doesn't think i like her in that way

    • Well, the quickest way to find out is to find out by just telling her.

      Also maybe try to reframe the change so you're doing it for yourself, not for this person. Cuz if it doesn't go well and you're only doing it for them them it might drive you further into your shell

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