Am I being overprotective?

My boyfriend suffers from depression; we have been going out for 4 months but have been best friends for 5 years.

He has always had episodes but after a month into the relationship it has just become full blown... he has ED and I can understand it is embarrassing for him... he works as a deputy manager at a care home so he’s always stressed working 6 days out of the week, he feels like his manager doesn’t respect him and I can see how thats bringing him down.
He’s working through Christmas period (which he has done for the past 6 years). I have told him he needs to make a stand that he hasn’t spent Christmas with his loved ones since he was 17 but he refuses to do that.

I asked if one of the reasons he’s depressed is because of our relationship, he says he’s more depressed he can’t be the boyfriend I deserve as I am the only good thing in his life.

So I’ve started messaging one of his coworkers I used to go to college with, checking on him to see he’s okay at work.
Other day, I gave my number to his roommate after seeing the state my boyfriend was in (drained, not sleeping, sat on his bedroom in the dark not doing anything, talking about how he just feels trapped all the time), telling his roommate I was scared about my boyfriend and to message me if he starts to notice that he’s self harming or talks about killing himself.

I don’t want to be too overprotective and usually I wouldn’t be asking people to tell me how he is and what he is doing when I’m not around but in this case, I’m worried. He was there for me when my depression was bad and I really really care about him.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think doing that to your boyfriend may hurt him more. You shouldn't involve his roomate (s) or anyone else includinc co-workers if he's self harming. That could make his life more difficult and you never know if they'll tell anyone else about it. Then your boyfriend will be looked at the wrong way by people and he'll be worse. Maybe made fun of. It happened to me tbh when I was going through a lot of shiz.

    I know you're trying to be a good protective girlfriend but you know, you may actually be hurting him in the long run. So maybe it's better to just take it down a notch.

    Then again, I'm not sure how everything is cause so don't know anyone but that's just my two cents on that. Hope my opinion helps a bit.

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    • His roommate and coworkers already knew of his depression before I started asking. They know the signs.

      Can’t prevent people from knowing things they already knew... I’m protective but I can’t protect him from people noticing the signs -.-

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    • Then why are you asking for opinions if you're just gonna go against everything I say.. If he asked for you to be involved, then you're doing great (like the girl said.. Acting like his mother).

    • I’m not going against everything you say, AGAIN, I know my boyfriend better than you. I don’t act like his mum, I don’t change him or feed him.

      You just can’t process the idea that your way of dealing with your emotions isn’t everyone else’s way. If you’re happy with everyone just leaving you alone whilst you’re making a noose, fine. But not me.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I wouldn't be asking his co-workers "check if he doesn't self-harm", more like on general terms "he has been feeling specially down lately, can you tell me if you notice something out of the ordinary?" or something like that.

    Honestly, I don't think this is about you being overprotective, but in my country someone who self-harms or even has potential to be doing so is not considered apt to work. This is not about discrimination either.
    I understand he needs help and you want to be there for him, but at work his job is probably to be lively and help out other people, so I would think it isn't a good idea to share this kind of info and involve people at work.
    I don't know, but it could very well be one of the reasons his manager already doesn't like him...

    I think that he may be feeling more pressured to improve himself now that you guys are dating, although that's not something you can control besides assuring him nothing will change between you guys even if he's not perfect i. e. assuring him as a boyfriend.
    If he's really that drained because of work alone, in my experience there's nothing much he can do besides changing jobs.
    Of course for that he also needs motivation.

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What Guys Said 5

  • Even if everyone here said you were being overprotective I don't see you as the type that would change your behavior in this instance. I also don't think it would be a great shock for him to find out that you ask other people about him. This sounds more like a question asked out of frustration for not being able to do anything to fix the issue.

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  • It sounds like you really care. If you're going to such lengths to make sure he's safe. I highly recommend he sees professional help (joining him if he needs an anchor). It'd be a learning experience for the both of you, would only give you new resources/tools to help build a better foundation.

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  • I dont think so I have depression and bipolar along with anxiety things get hard a lot of times for me the best thing you can do is be there for him. Over protective? I dont think so

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  • You'd rather be overprotective to him, than let bad things happen to him. He's lucky to have you, and you are doing the right thing caring about him. That's what will make your relationship stronger.

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  • If he's on antidepressants that explains his ED

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    • He had ED before he took antidepressants

    • Well just saying antidepressants REALLY fuck up your dick. And in my case even after coming off them :/

What Girls Said 2

  • I think he is lucky to have you. But you are his lover , not his doctor you know. So if you think he really has serious problems just ask for professional help. You cannot do it all. You need to protect yourself too.

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  • Do not be like his mother. You just have to be a good friend and a lover. depression is a very bad disease. free a little to feel that it works.

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    • Not acting like his mum at all.

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