If anyone can offer me advice on how to not wear my heart on my sleeve, please do?

Every girl that has ever rejected me has always done it in a nice way, where they try not to hurt me and apologise all the time, but they always do hurt me.

In the year I finished secondary school, there was this girl I really liked the entire year, but I only realised how much she meant to me near the end. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her before we all seperated for college at this birthday party. We all started drinking at the house before we went down the town to the pub, but she went straight home after the party. So I took this chance to walk her home and open up to her. To tell her the truth..
She was very drunk from the party, and on the way home she tried kissing me, flashing me,. All the rest. This was out of character of her, and I didn't take, or want to take, advantage of her. I wanted the real girl, the one I,... The one I fell in love with.. And while she flashed her chest at me for the last time, I pulled her jumper back down, pulled her close and told her out straight... She just hugged me, said sorry but I only see you as a brother, and walked off home by herself...

This is only one girl who broke my heart. I know I should have waited until she was sober, but I didn't have time. I'm not the type of guy to fuck around. I haven't been with any girl, ever. I am both longing to be with a girl who genuinely cares for me. But I'm also terrified she'll leave me.

If anyone has read this far into this post, can you please give me advice? I wear my heart on my sleeve. Over thinking about my love life thus far has only given me depression and anxiety. I'm only 19, but I've already tried taking my own life. But I chickened out. I didn't do it

I want to start 2018 with a positive mindset, with a hope that I won't be such a wimp. I've been told I'm a gentleman,. But all that's brought me is misery. The thought of being single crosses my mind every day and it hurts me. I cry myself to sleep most nights because of this..

Please save me from myself
If anyone can offer me advice on how to not wear my heart on my sleeve, please do?
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