After finishing school and being thrust into the real world I've been pondering why I have so many excuses for not wanting a romantic relationship right now, as well as into the near future. To me, the thought of dating and having a partner is kind of off putting and honestly frightening and I'm wondering if the reasons behind my aversion to romance is justified. I'm going to make a little list to outline my issue in more detail.
1. I am feeling like i'm lacking in value as a partner, on both a superficial and emotional level. I have this constant buzz at the back of my mind telling me I'm too ugly, too weird, too distant and not nice enough to ever warrant a long or short term relationship. I keep telling myself why would someone date me if there's so much better out there, both in looks and personality wise. I think any person who is interested in me is lying/using me for something.
2. Emotional investment. I think some people are thrilled at the idea of getting emotionally involved with someone but I am petrified. Petrified that I cannot deal with it and I can't be there for someone in their time of need. I also don't know if I can really be prepared for heartbreak that is seemingly inevitable.
3. The men I meet have very little in common with me. My world is full of women. I rely on them for emotional comfort, love, happiness and socialisation, we can talk for hours without getting tired and know each other inside and out. With guys, at least the ones i've met it's different. They're not particularly interested in actually being around women for purposes other than sexual gratification or validation, and even if they were, I don't have anything in common with them. I also find that the guys around me aren't very nice people, which really influences how you see the gender.
I want to know If anyone feels the same way/is this a correct line of thinking.
Most Helpful Guy
It's not normal by the definition no, but I wouldn't say that it is unhealthy. Don't worry too much about what is "Normal."
To start, you are NOT lacking in value dear. You're just young and unsure of yourself, and that is perfectly ok. You will become more valuable as you become more emotionally mature, but part of that is dating and getting exposure to that aspect of life.
For the emotional investment part, it's a package deal I'm afraid. You cannot experience something beautiful with another person without also becoming vulnerable and risking them hurting you. But that pain isn't all bad. You use it to grown into a stronger person. The main way we grow is by recovering from pain.
For the guys... yes most guys your age will still be primarly focused on sex. You could try finding a guy a bit older who will be gentle with you or you could just bide your time and wait for the young guy who will treat you right, because they are out there.
Ultimately you're okay though. A lot of people are uncomfortable not being in a relationship, so its good that you're able to be okay with yourself. You're still very young, absolutely no need to rush things.
Most Helpful Girl
Look. It's healthy because your not like other people. This is why I'm celibate myself. There aren't a lot of guys who shares those views and values. Number 3 is my issue. Then when you be honest about it, some have the audacity to call you religious, boring or a prude. You don't want a disrespectful person like that. Overall one thing I say you need to change is that you are NOT ugly. You are beautiful in your own unique way and deserve better. Sadly these guys don't want to give what you need. And your personality is fine. You're just different. I know how you feel because went through the same exact thing growing up. A lot of people truly don't believe this exists. And it's a major problem. It's like your being shunned or ostracized for your personal beliefs and values. In fact, you are because you're not doing what other women are doing. It's always a problem with people in general. It's more than just a dating thing. Its a society thing. You just don't fit in. And that's okay. But they look at you as being the problem. Don't worry about it. If you don't have logical and rational reasons to date, why bother? Not everybody is meant for that.