Not really interested in dating or relationships, is this normal/healthy?

Hello G@G,

After finishing school and being thrust into the real world I've been pondering why I have so many excuses for not wanting a romantic relationship right now, as well as into the near future. To me, the thought of dating and having a partner is kind of off putting and honestly frightening and I'm wondering if the reasons behind my aversion to romance is justified. I'm going to make a little list to outline my issue in more detail.

1. I am feeling like i'm lacking in value as a partner, on both a superficial and emotional level. I have this constant buzz at the back of my mind telling me I'm too ugly, too weird, too distant and not nice enough to ever warrant a long or short term relationship. I keep telling myself why would someone date me if there's so much better out there, both in looks and personality wise. I think any person who is interested in me is lying/using me for something.
2. Emotional investment. I think some people are thrilled at the idea of getting emotionally involved with someone but I am petrified. Petrified that I cannot deal with it and I can't be there for someone in their time of need. I also don't know if I can really be prepared for heartbreak that is seemingly inevitable.
3. The men I meet have very little in common with me. My world is full of women. I rely on them for emotional comfort, love, happiness and socialisation, we can talk for hours without getting tired and know each other inside and out. With guys, at least the ones i've met it's different. They're not particularly interested in actually being around women for purposes other than sexual gratification or validation, and even if they were, I don't have anything in common with them. I also find that the guys around me aren't very nice people, which really influences how you see the gender.

I want to know If anyone feels the same way/is this a correct line of thinking.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's not normal by the definition no, but I wouldn't say that it is unhealthy. Don't worry too much about what is "Normal."

    To start, you are NOT lacking in value dear. You're just young and unsure of yourself, and that is perfectly ok. You will become more valuable as you become more emotionally mature, but part of that is dating and getting exposure to that aspect of life.

    For the emotional investment part, it's a package deal I'm afraid. You cannot experience something beautiful with another person without also becoming vulnerable and risking them hurting you. But that pain isn't all bad. You use it to grown into a stronger person. The main way we grow is by recovering from pain.

    For the guys... yes most guys your age will still be primarly focused on sex. You could try finding a guy a bit older who will be gentle with you or you could just bide your time and wait for the young guy who will treat you right, because they are out there.

    Ultimately you're okay though. A lot of people are uncomfortable not being in a relationship, so its good that you're able to be okay with yourself. You're still very young, absolutely no need to rush things.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Look. It's healthy because your not like other people. This is why I'm celibate myself. There aren't a lot of guys who shares those views and values. Number 3 is my issue. Then when you be honest about it, some have the audacity to call you religious, boring or a prude. You don't want a disrespectful person like that. Overall one thing I say you need to change is that you are NOT ugly. You are beautiful in your own unique way and deserve better. Sadly these guys don't want to give what you need. And your personality is fine. You're just different. I know how you feel because went through the same exact thing growing up. A lot of people truly don't believe this exists. And it's a major problem. It's like your being shunned or ostracized for your personal beliefs and values. In fact, you are because you're not doing what other women are doing. It's always a problem with people in general. It's more than just a dating thing. Its a society thing. You just don't fit in. And that's okay. But they look at you as being the problem. Don't worry about it. If you don't have logical and rational reasons to date, why bother? Not everybody is meant for that.

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What Guys Said 23

  • Are you a metal head? just curious :P I happen to know someone who thinks like you So I wanted to take the shot :D hell no , you're overthinking way too much. Men are always men , The difference between the guy who's shown you that he wants sex and the other guy who pretends that he wants to be your friend Is the first couldn't hide it and the second could hide himself. To answer your question , It's normal and healthy If you want to do it. It seems from the way you talk that you're concerned about it. you can try to be around new people/meeting new guys. When you talk so general it's an indicator that you haven't met a lot of people. relationships are not stock market related , it doesn't depend on the amount of supply to demand xD Definitely there's someone who would interested in you the same as you're. If you wanna increase your chances of being with more guys you've to invest in yourself. You also shouldn't worry about the breakout problems, it's like the physical pain but lasts longer anyway the breakout makes you a better person on the long run. you realise the mistakes you did with your ex and you move on to be with someone better. love yourself , get out of your comfort zone , stop overthinking and don't judge until you get it and experience the real life situation.

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  • "I am feeling like i'm lacking in value as a partner, on both a superficial and emotional level. I have this constant buzz at the back of my mind telling me I'm too ugly, too weird, too distant and not nice enough to ever warrant a long or short term relationship."

    I felt the same way at your age. I was wrong, and so are you. Many years later I met a wonderful therapist who helped see the good in myself. Have you told anyone what you just told us? If you haven't, you should. I'm sure your friends will tell you how wrong you are, and how wonderful.

    "... I am petrified. Petrified that I cannot deal with it and I can't be there for someone in their time of need." Been there too. Fits perfectly with a poor self-image. You imagine that others are somehow more capable, more adult. The truth is that mostly they are not. They just go along, not thinking much about anything, assuming that they are just as good as anyone else. You are as prepared as anyone to help someone else through a difficult time, probably more compassionate than most.

    "The men I meet have very little in common with me..." You are very young, perhaps still in high school? I had no interest in any of the 290 women in my high school class. My daughter was the same, and so was my wife's daughter. Both went through high school without dating because there was simply no guy who interested them. If you go to college I expect you will find at least a few who share your interests. I remember a college classmate of mine. She met a guy and was amazed that he was attracted to her. She had gone through high school believing that no guy would ever be interested in her. She was cute and a total sweetheart. He was really nice, very smart. They were very happy together, and I think they ended up getting married after college.

    So don't give up on guys. You just haven't met the right one yet. As you move out into the world, I expect you will start to find interesting guys who are just as interested in you.

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  • I think it’s good you aren’t interested in dating right now because you don’t have the greatest opinions of yourself. Going into a relationship thinking the way you do about yourself could lead to trouble later as I feel you would be susceptible to relying on a partner for happiness. You definitely have to be able to love yourself before you can love a partner. You still have a lot of growing up to do and many things to experience. Just focus on you for now and really get to know yourself.

    For the most part it seems like you’re afraid of being vulnerable to someone you care about. Everyone takes a risk when you date, you don’t get that time back you spent with those people, you can’t forget certain experiences you had with them. Even if things don’t work out dating can teach you valuable life lessons, you learn about what you won’t put up with in a person, when to leave when you aren’t happy, and a lot of other things. It’s all about finding someone you’re willing to put up with despite their flaws.

    I think you’ll be okay, just don’t shut yourself off and not live your life to its fullest :)

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  • I think you just described every single person on the planet.

    It is scary but when you meet someone you have a connection with, it's worth it.

    I'm not saying dive out there with the first guy who asks, but be open to the idea of connecting with someone and exploring where that goes.

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  • I'd say it's normal enough. After 3 gfs I have become the same way - I just sort of feel like most women are carbon copies of each other and just don't relate to most. So I have more or less stopped dating (minus the last 2 weeks because I was off) and instead focused on myself/friends. I wouldn't be too worried if I were you

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  • I am just getting over being sour about women for much the same reasons. I have been focusing on improving all aspects of my life, so I can just be happy being me. Once I am happy, someone that makes me happy will gravitate toward me. You need to find some different guys to hang around, or you are going to stop liking dick lol

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  • I'm not really interested in relationships or sex with girls who I just get to know. I have to know them for at least a year to be able to imagine a relationship with them. And then, not every girl will be a candidate for a relationship with me.

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  • Don't worry about it, do the things you really love to do even if it's by yourself sometimes along the journey he do meet somebody that will really spark you up

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  • You still have plenty of time and it is understandable with the reasons you provided. Not everyone is interested at that point in their life. Have fun and enjoy it.

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  • Yes. You choose when you're ready to date. Nobody else can tell you when it's "healthy" to start.

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  • As long as you're continuing your education, I see nothing wrong with putting dating off...

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  • The first reason is bullshit. I have stopped talking to people because they were not with me when I needed them. Sex is a main part of life and a very good part too and at this age people usually don't want to get settled. Enjoy life and don't worry!

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  • I'm a bit of a loner myself when it comes to relationships, and I don't think that is abnormal. Just keep yourself opened minded so that you may be able to form a bond with a person you're genuinely into (when that happens).

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  • just cause u put dating off doesn't mean u can't have hookups or a friends with benefits is much better than a fuckbuddy cause u do fun stuff together to like friends

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  • if you don't want relationships, you are gunna have to forgoe sex

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  • Most of this is just fear. I know just saying "you have to get past it" isn't really all that helpful, and some of the fear is well-founded. Putting yourself out there means that you can and likely will be rejected. The thing you have to come to understand is that rejection isn't that big of a deal. Most of life is rejection and failure, and it's how we learn and get better at anything.

    In terms of people having things in common with you - that's understandable. As an atheist liberal living in the southeast, I can definitely get how difficult it can be when you seemingly don't have much in common with people. All you can do is make some effort to find the things that you do have in common - we all have something in common with everybody else, just can take a while to find it.

    None of what you wrote is incorrect. It's just not a beneficial way of thinking.

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  • You are normal. You may change your mind or not. Either way you are normal and there is nothing wrong with you

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  • Its healthy but i will explain deeply in massage not here...

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  • Normal

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  • It's Normal

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What Girls Said 6

  • Maybe you're aromantic. Or maybe even demi-romantic. Look into the Ace community and other LGBT+ sub categories and see if any information there helps you!
    Finding out I was Demisexual was the key to my future relationships.

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    • (Not saying thats the case though! because plenty of people who don't identify as ace feel exactly the same way you do. I just think the information could be helpful. 💗)

  • It would only be healthy if you had good self esteem. Having good self esteem isn't healthy whether you want to be single or not.

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  • No. It's not normal in any way. You need a therapist.

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  • I think you need time to learn to love yourself and know your value. You're young and you don't have to want a relationship and you don't need one. Not to be disrespectful but right now I think the problem is you in a sense that you don't know how amazing you are and you value and love yourself as much as you should. I think someone that is weird can be funny as well as polite and if you think you're ugly that doesn't matter because you can be the ugliest person in the world and have the most amazing personality. I think you just need to take time for yourself

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  • I am in the EXACT same situation!

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  • I feel the same way. Is it normal or healthy? I have no idea.
    Over the years very few guys have caught my interest. There are a couple of guys that have been interested in me or introduced to me with the preface of possibly dating, I try to push away. Even the one guy I was actually interested in and could see a future with.
    The thought of being open, intimate, emotional, etc. with someone is terrifying to me and I don't know if I'll ever be able to work past that.

    I will say, are you scared of being emotional/romantic with someone or do you not have a desire for it at all? If it's the latter I would encourage you to look into your romantic orientation. You may be aromantic - a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others.

    I did my research and I want the romance, I just don't know how to open myself up for it. And, like you said, I worry most guys I encounter don't seem to have the interest or the patience to stick around. I feel that there's always going to be someone out there who is better than me.

    I'm sure this isn't the definitive answer you were looking for but hopefully it comforts you to know you're not alone. I hope you figure everything out soon!

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