Why isn't my girlfriend putting much effort into our relationship?

Hi so I've been dating this girl for like 2 months now and it seemed like she really liked and the relationship was going fine. This is my first legit relationship, just to add. To note, she has super strict parents, like not-allowed-to-not-talk-to-boys strict, and she told me that she won't be able to get me gifts or go on dates as often as others, and I told her I understood. She also gets stressed and panics really easily, and she often feels down.
So we've been snapchatting and chatting each other almost every night while I was away in another country during winter break, and recently she seems like she't not as enthusiastic or willing to put in effort anymore. I'm almost always the one who starts conversations, who talks a lot, who gets her gifts, who sends her encouraging messages and help her calm down whenever she feels down, who tries to plan any possible dates, tell her that she's really pretty and I really like her, etc. But she usually replies in short messages and waits for me because she's "not good at starting conversations" and "can't think well," and says "realistically we don't have time to do this or that" or "we'll talk about this later I should sleep." I've tried asking her to try starting or telling me what she wants to do, but she always says I don't know or I don't mind. I understand the situation with her parents and how they might have made her anxious, and that we can't do as much as other couples. But it feels like she gives up really quickly and doesn't put in any effort to even try to do something for me or for us, meanwhile I'm ready to do so much.
I've read that she acts this way because I'm being too clingy or needy, or "the emotional woman" of the relationship. Should I stop snapchatting her as much, maybe even seeing and not replying? Should I reply in short conversations too? Should I just not contact her at all and wait until she starts first?
I know this is a lot, thank you so much for reading and I appreciate any help.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I believe what the issue is, why are you pushing her to be any different. It's not like she isn't putting effort. Its the fact that she has her way she wants a relationship and you have yours. Your not capable and you need somebody who is more engaging. In truth, she doesn't want to lose you because she holds different values. It has nothing to do with you being clingy or needy.

    It's the fact you're pushing your views on her on how you think she should be in a relationship. Please understand that she lives in a different world than you. Don't rush her. But at the same time. If she isn't supposed to be dating boys or be in contact in that way, she is afriad what her parents are going to do because of disobediance. She has to feel safe in the relationship. And there is nothing you can do at this point to make her feel like that.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Firstly, when it comes to making plans women usually prefer the man to take the lead and make decisions, so they'll almost always answer that they don't know or that they don't mind whenever you ask them what they want to do or where they want to go. That's not a problem, and is something to remember for future relationships.

    I don't think that this one is going to work by the sound of it. If she was really as into you as you're into her she'd want to make time for you, talk to you and hang out with you as much as possible despite her family being the way they are.

    It's possible that the way you're acting could make her act that way - the majority of us do this in our first relationships. If you give too much too early on it can turn a woman off. We're taught that as men we're supposed to impress the woman and that if we do all of these things she'll eventually see how great we are and like us a lot more, however this gives the woman all of the power and actually it sends the wrong message.

    When you first start dating it's supposed to be a two-way thing - while of course you want to impress her she should also be trying to impress you. While she's trying to figure out whether she likes you, you should also be figuring out whether you like her. When you give it your all too soon it tells her that she has all of the power and it makes you seem needy because you try too hard too soon and she wonders why when she hasn't really had to do anything to impress you. And of course if you're willing to do all of that while she does nothing why would she change? It's like those girls who sleep with a guy too soon and then get annoyed that he doesn't want to commit, but they still keep sleeping with the guy. She gave too much too soon without him having to do anything to earn it.

    The only way I can see this being saved is if you break up with her. She'll either say "fine, fair enough" in which case you know she wasn't that interested. Or she'll ask why you're breaking up with her, in which case you can explain and she can either choose to make it right by putting in an equal amount of effort or again she can accept it and let you move on.

    The other stuff you mentioned won't work because it's not real, and it will just annoy you that you feel like you have to ignore her and all that, when really you're doing it to make her like you more. That's the wrong mindset to have.

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    • Just to explain further about mindset - you should have a "take it or leave it" attitude. She should put in at least 50%, and if she doesn't you shouldn't be afraid to let her go. When you're afraid to let someone go that's when they can manipulate you and walk all over you. You have to have strong boundaries and stick to them. And funnily enough this is much more attractive to a woman than a man who does everything to try to get her to stay.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Did you talked to her? That's the first thing to do when you decide you are not satisfied with how the relationship is going. Talk to her about. Gently, don't push. She is the only one who can really tell you what's going on, not some strangers here. Also, her being stressed and anxious or depressed suggest there's much more going on under the surface, it doesn't have to do anything with you. People are generally blind, so you too might have missed something she doesn't want to voice. And then, what others said - if you're too pushy, too much to swallow, so to say, she might get distant and uninterested - especially when she's stressed and those other things. This happened to me, I was in a more or less relationship while being quite deppresed and I didn't have much free time. The guy was too pushy, he didn't give me a moment of peace, allways planning shit for us and dismissing me saying I need to study that evening for the tests and exams, he thought he knew what's best for me, telling me I study too much and that going out would clear my mind... it might have been true, but not when he tried to apply this 24/7. It drove me away. And we were communicating via mail, so it wasn't even that annoying as chat can be... But concentrate on the first half on my message, please :).

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  • Maybe she doesn't want you any more

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  • Dude, she's not into you. End it and move on

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  • its not a legit relationship. she sounds immature and you are only 17. she just wants to have fun.

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What Guys Said 1

  • You should probably end it and move on, it will be more painful if you draw this out to long

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