Found my boyfriend's old love letters... twice! Should I be upset?

Okay, so let's start off with I totally trust my boyfriend. He was in his last relationship for 15 years, ending in a divorce. That being so, I expect his to have lots of things which were gifts from his ex and a whole house full of memories (this I do not care about). When I was searching for some hand lotion in a little basket on his dresser, I saw he had one of those "why I love you" books from her. I did not read it and I did not get upset. I placed it on the dresser in the hopes that he would see it and get rid of it (because maybe he forgot). However, when searching for socks I saw he moved it to a new location. I am so hurt and upset. It's not like it's something like clothes or something like that. This is a specific token of how much she loved him. Am I crazy for being upset and hurt that he did not get rid of it, but moved it?


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What Guys Said 26

  • "I placed it on the dresser in the hopes that he would see it and get rid of it"

    Big mistake. You're not wrong for the way you feel, however you're best asking him about this. And in a way that emphasizes your understanding for why he would do such a thing. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, just please listen to him as intently as you'd like him to listen to you on this.

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    • I see what you mean. It would just have been nice if he had the forethought of thinking "oh wow seeing this would probably hurt her so why don't I put it away" I guess it hurt me that it was so accessible and not like tucked away as a memory, if that makes sense.

    • Your feelings are totally valid. Just think about his intent. I doubt his intent was to make you feel that way, but it's understandable why you would.

  • You're being upset over nothing. Crazy and hurt? Lighten up. He may be reading it and counting the reasons that he loves you. My ex wife (1 & only 1) was on her 2nd hubby, that's me, and she had all kinds of shit from him. But at the end of the day she's living under my roof sleeping in our bed. By the way stop "searching" for things, obviously I'd start putting stuff in plain view, lol.

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  • Some choose to forget the past. Some choose to remember the good. He moved on but chose to hold on to the good moments of his past. Just like when we keep mementos of our happy childhood, it doesn't mean we want to go back to being kids. Heck, I don't want to be 21 again either. Too much drama!

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  • I can certainly understand why you are upset! I think you need to be straight with him about this. My dad held onto photos of his ex girlfriend, before he dated my mom, in his desk for years after my parents had married. You totally trust your boyfriend, which is good, but I think you need to talk with him about getting some kind of grief counseling.

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  • No your not crazy. However, you should not be upset nor should he have to get rid of it. The relationship lasted 15 years for that to have happened there had to be some good moments and he deserves to be able to hold on to those memories. If it bothers you talk to him about it, not just leave it out as a hint. My suggestion would be to ask him to put it somewhere you won't see it.

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  • I think you should have told him that it bothered you the first time. There might not have been a second time. Guys aren't the greatest at taking hints, by not saying anything and just letting him know that you seen it by putting it on the dresser could have given him the idea that you were ok with it.

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    • Yes, upfront communication is very important. My wife tells me I am too upfront, and she has been right at times. But in this case with the love letters, she needs to be upfront with him because it is upsetting her. If she isn't, he won't know that it is bothering her and he'll continue to terrorize her with the ex-wife's memorabilia.

  • No you shouldn't thats the past

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  • I need a little more context. Why did he just move it somewhere else? Maybe he was doing something important and was going to do something with it later. Maybe when he remembers to, he will recycle it.

    If they got a divorce, it doesn't sound logical that he would still have feelings for her.

    Conspiracy theorists would say their divorce is part of a malevolent plot to destroy you. LOL!

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  • They're just memories, it might still mean something to him (not in a romantic way) I think you shouldn't feel bad about it.

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  • Not really. It can make you feel jealous or make you feel like he has feelings for this girl now. Maybe he keeps it for memories cuz hell memories are everything to me. Or maybe he's using you?

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  • No, you have no right to demand that he get rid of all vestiges of his past.

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  • It's obviously a memory that has sentimental value to him. Honestly, it seems pretty selfish for you to just expect him to throw out a memory for you.

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    • Not that I disagree with you, but sometimes I think being selfish can be understandable. I have told him that his past relationship is very intimidating to me because he literally spent his whole adult life loving this person. To keep memories is one thing, but to have them so easily accessible and visible for me is inconsiderate I think. When I said get rid of them I meant like store them away for put them somewhere out of imidiayr reach. Does that make sense?

    • Show All
    • You can't comprehend well, keeping an item from an ex isn't the problem. Keeping it cause you still have feelings for that person is still holding in to the padt is genius. I literally said that above.

  • Yes you are.

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  • might mean a lot to him but that doesn't mean he dont care about you

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  • No you shouldn't if he is moved on from old relationship

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  • i guess he likes to keep lies close to his heart.

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  • Are you upset? If it's causing you distress that he keeps love let's then he should destroy them.

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  • They r just memories.. nothing to worry about

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  • Was that a fresh letter

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    • Oh no no no. It was like a gift book thing. Wasn't really a letter at all. It's one of those books where you can fill in the blanks of reasons why you love someone. So, I'm assuming it was a present of some form.

    • Looks. Past is always past. No need to dig it out of nowhere. Let it go.

  • Till the time u find him committed and faithful towards you, no need to worry

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  • yes, most people don't have things from their ex's, even when you've told them to get rid of them already

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  • You didn't say anything to him, so why should you be able to expect him to get rid of it? Leaving it out is just weak and lame. Speak to him and voice your feelings about the book.

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  • Yes, you're crazy.

    Look it might be one of the few pleasant things he still has from that time. He might use it to remind himself, he was all the positive things she said, as confirmation that it wasn't all bad and he didn't waste some precious years.

    You have no idea what it means to him because you didn't ask him or talk about it just jjuse passive-aggressively put it out and hoped he'd take a hint.

    You don't know if he keeps it to stave off dark thoughts about his ex, to remind of how good things can go bad or even just to remind him the devil herself can assume a pleasing shape.

    No you just carry on lying about how you had no problem with things from his ex. Until you do.

    Grow up and talk to him. Don't assume he knows you're hurt and not okay with this, and don't assume you know what it means to him either.

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  • it means a lot to him. the first girl he ever really loved. he's not just gonna get over her at the drop of a hat. its gonna take a long time. don't flip out over it tho. he's with you and not her and there is a reason for that

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  • It was a part of his life. It's not personal.

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  • The truth is, you'd just find something else to be unhappy about if this little ''why I love you'' book didn't exist.

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    • Truth be told, nothing besides this has upset about our relationship in the last year. But, thanks for the response.

What Girls Said 8

  • It's understandable and reasonable to be upset.

    A keepsake item such as that has sentimental value , and if he's totally moved on from her, it shouldn't have any value to him at all. It's something he obviously struggles to let go of

    Loves letters are treasured memory type of items. And usually people who've moved on get rid of them

    Really, you should have mentioned it to him when you found it. Because now, it'll persistently concern you , and upset you.

    But you could still mention it to him. Let him know you did notice it , and that you noticed he'd moved it. It's best to be upfront , because it'll give him a chance to explain why he's kept it. His explanation may remove all doubt, and stop you feeling so upset. If you mention it, just say in a kind sort of way. Don't make an accusation or be upset with him. Communication is the only way to remove any fears or doubts

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  • mm I get why you're upset, it's an item from a person that they use to have an emotional connection with in their past relatioship. Keeping an item could mean that person still has some emotional ties to their ex or it could just be a gift they really like and want to keep. As long as you know he's not keeping it because he's still holding a peice of her in his heart, then i wouldn't worry about it. But if you find any more clues or hints/treasures that he's keeping hiden away secretly from you then I would just talk about it.

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  • 15 years is a long time to be with someone. That could take years to completely move on from.
    How long have they been separated? How long have you two been together? Are you the first women since his marriage ended? I dont expect you to answer these to me, but they're questions you should contemplate for yourself.
    I keep all of my old love letters and things from anyone I've dated. Even the ones that ended horribly. I keep them in a box packed away though.
    The only thing that would upset me is he's left it in places very accessible to him. Then again he might not be thinking about it the way I do. He is leaving it where he knows youd see it. He's not picking the best hiding places.
    It's something you need to talk to him about.

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  • You were not clear with him, and to be honest what you did was kinda petty. If the stupid book bothered you so much, why didn't you say anything? You can't just jump into conclusions, you should talk it out with him, and tell him how you felt, you can't expect him to act a certain way, just because you "signaled" something about the book. You need to be blunt and straightforward about it, because miscommunication is always the start of a disastrous relationship.

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  • Rather than getting upset about something that you don't understand maybe you talk to him about it. I don't feel it's my place to ask somebody to get rid of something that is theirs. I would voice my opinion absolutely but I feel it's important to respect their decision even when I don't agree with it.

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    • That's exactly usually what I do. I guess my emotions got the better of me. Like I have replied to some of the guys here, I just wish it was away from sight. Like to have memories tucked away or to keep something sentimental is one thing, but having them "close by" I guess just hurts
      My feelings.

    • I would imagine it would mine as well.

  • Maybe he just needs to hold onto one positive memory of the marriage.

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  • You cannot expect someone understand you without telling anything. He probably did not get and he asked why even they are there. And tried to hide more.
    Tell him you found and did not like.

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  • Personally I don't think you should be upset because you never know the meaning behind certain things. That could've been something that bright him comfort in a bad time or something that gave him confidence when he wasn't feeling too hot about himself.

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