Why is this young man stressed? Am I being to harsh or am I the problem?

I was dating someone and we kept getting into nasty fights about where his life is going. He was employed when I met him now he is unemployed, I scheduled an interview for him working as a florist becauss he wants to either become a botanist or zoologist one day. He does not want to go to the interview.

He has no driver’s license so everytime we are in my car I offer to teach him how to drive since he just finished studying for the driver’s test. He fights me on this and says things like I am tired, I do not feel like it. No matter the day or time of day. I had to force him to drive. He is studying for a GED so I offer to help him study and he says no. He has failed the test in the past.

Anytime we fight about him working he says that he does things on his time and not mine. I make fun of him and say he is not normal. Its been three months since he has been talking about getting a car, job, and GED. He has run out of money. The money he had aside to get his car he spent it all on marijuana. He has overdrafted his account over $100 and continues to live off of charging his overdrafted bank card and putting him further into the negative.

His friends come over every night to smoke marijuana with him. He was selling marijuana at one point but he smoked it all. He lives with his mom in a closet-like room. He says that I need to encourage him instead of putting him down. I have called him a loser. We fight about the smallest things like taking a shower. I usually have to push him to take a shower everyday.

I have experienced three loses within just a year so I deal with him out of desperation and loneliness. I have lost control over most things in my life and the only thing I can control is getting him work, a driver’s license, a GED, and transportation.

He is 27 years old like myself. He says that he is stressed and that is why he does not want to work. I ask him what is he stressed about? He will not say. He does not have a history of mental illness.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, I think you are a bit over the line... and he has his problems, mostly with weed. Why is he stressed? He is going through so much shit in life he is drowning himself in weed... seems self-evident to me... and if he is smoking it so often it makes sense he wouldn't want to sit behind the steering wheel... anyways, dont push him around as much... you should either be more supportive and look into his weed problem more than showers and driving... or just let him be a lost cause and not waste your time... the latter would be healthier for you if you are not with him out of love and compassion...

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    • Why would I look into his weed problem? Im not a doctor.

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    • Well for the moment he should just smoke less and do more stuff that moves his life in a better direction. If you are able to support him well enough and maybe have some influence to him as a person who is a bit more to him than others, you should have enough impact on him so he might smoke less. Weed isn't the drug that binds your brain chemically so much, which is why its possible to treat by motivation and willpower

Most Helpful Girl

  • Omg... this sounds so much like my story it's heartbreaking. I've moved on hun and put a stop to it all. If he can't be in charge of his own life why should we? You have no strings attached. Be brave and move on from that. Better be lonely and sad, that having company and feeling sad regardless x

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Well when you called him a loser you hit the nail on the head. He is just a loser try to move on from him. Keep looking but only go for a guy who had his life on track. Stay away and dont let your loneliness make you go for another loser your worth more than that.

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  • Well you sound like you are tryna push him to do the things he needs to do.. You are still there for him even though he's being lazy, procrastinating, and lettin out his frustration on you for his failures in life... If I had a girl helpin me me out wit have the stuff you are that would be gold.. He does seem to show symptoms of depression though.. He's depressed and in a funk.. I won't tell you to leave him outright though.. Just don't strain yoself tryna get him to get his life together..

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  • It Sounds like he suffers from depression and anxiety to me.
    He doesn't feel the kick that drives most people to get by in life.
    You would be better off applying the tough love approach here.
    Walk away and leave him be.
    You have tried your damned to help him but it sounds like it may be for naught.
    Find someone who is right for you.
    Someone who is willing to work with you.
    I wish you luck :)

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  • Sounds like you are a great girlfriend who has spent her own personal time and engery to help him better himself. But he has no drive to do so its almost like he is content with being a loser. You should move on there are plenty of men out there with their shit together looking for a woman like you... MOVE ON

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  • It's waste of time n ur energy n life he is doing all intentionally so u can't change him just leave him here if not it may become violent n very awkward in future u should break up save for urself n help some good guy to grow n be with u with a good relationship

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  • Sounds to me he's a pampered boi.

    I suggest you stop pushing him, stop giving him what he wants. I suggest to the mother to stop being a caring and loving mother and force him out of the house.

    For as much creativity and whatever weed allows you, his mind is clouded.

    He lives in the moment, not noticing the past and not thinking about the future. I'd say leave him, or at least not support him.

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  • He's going through a lot right now... This is the hardest phase of his life... U need to stop being pushy all the time... Be supportive also sometimes... And also smoking everyday isn't good at all... Rather that's the worst thing he can do... Try to stop him from smoking every fucking day... Just generally talk to him and make him a little positive day by day and hopefully one he'll be as he was before...

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    • Huh? Don’t push him to shower? What is he going through thats so hard? Please explain.

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    • I don’t ask repeat questions, thats what I am telling you.

    • I ain't telling u to repeat questions... I'm telling you to stop asking questions altogether... Take charge of his life as much as u can... That's the only way u will change him and make him better

  • Sounds like he has to lift his game. You should feed his weed to one of your friends dogs. Least they are supposed to be Lazy. Or the next time you come home from work and he's sleeping on the couch, stick a news paper down his slacks and set his ass on fire.

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  • You have no right to question him about how he wants to spend his life or what direction he wants to take it in when you're only dating.

    You're harassing the shit out of him. At this point I'd say you're about 5 seconds away from him ditching your annoying ass to find someone who is more laid back and less bossy and irritating.

    Honestly I think the fact that you like this guy who you describe as basically a total loser and drop out. That tells me more about your shitty taste in men than it does about him being lazy or whatever.

    Are you sure YOU don't have a history of mental illness? This guy wants to date, not another mother 🙄. Wake up to yourself. You're 27.

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    • Honestly it sounds like he was probably mildly unmotivated or a bit depressed but you've made it worse.

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    • I think you are projecting. Im sorry your girlfriend or the girl you dated did not like you. But then again I do not think you have ever been in a relationship before. You see that your opinion is in the minority here. Right? I did not meet my boyfriend like this. He became like this. But per what you are saying, I should accept who he has become? Again, your opinion is in the minority. Do you wonder why?

    • I do not need anything from him. I never said I did. What is wrong with you? Can you stop? Please can you stop? Only you and this anonymous person are calling me names out of 30 ppl!

  • I don't think you're too harsh at all. Just know that no matter what you do, you can't change him, it's something he has to want to do. I think he sees his life is falling apart and that's what it is stressing him. There's nothing you can do to make it better, it's his job to do that. Maybe setting up the interview and trying to teach him to drive was too much, cause then it's like you're being his mom. But you seem very patient and loyal which is nice to have when you're in a slump.

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  • I'd say depression after all that he went through. The marijuana is a coping mechanism. Maybe not the best. He refuses help because it will hurt his pride. You shouldn't have control over his life and what he does. It will be pointless to try and help him if he isn't willing to change.

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  • Cannabis will do that to (some) people. Their life will fall apart, but they will be in total denial about it.

    I am kinda confused about why a woman would do so much for a guy whose life is such a mess? He must have something else to offer, because my life is bad, but not THAT bad, and I still feel like I'm not good enough for any woman.

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  • first thing how u experience three loses in one year? and if everything u saying is true u hav to step aside and let him go he hav no positive to add in yrself let him go u better off.. even doh he is not working he should be more loving towards u.. and th sad thing is u all hav no communication ntin works without communication.. darling...

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  • He should move to some other town away from those friends and this life. Start over, quit smoking, and find a decent job. He needs all the support and help he can get. But you are right to be angry though. It sounds like he gave up and that's what would make me mad at him.

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  • He's just lazy I was the same way, it's a bit late but I matured enough to understand that the common man needs at least one job if there's no other viable source of income. Personally, I feel as if you care about this guy but he does not care back very much and that sucks. You cannot help those that don't want to help themselves.

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  • At his age, it sounds as if he has absolutely nothing going for him, and honestly he has no one to blame except himself.

    If you ever want to progress further in your own life you need to cut your losses and move on.

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  • Sounds like he has more issues than you can deal with, drugs and being lazy could be a sign of depression, , or he just wants a mommy to care for all his needs,, either way professional help sounds like a requirement

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  • Sounds like

    1. He's a weed addict
    2. You're supporting him by holding his hand everywhere. (Are you his mom or woman)?
    3. He's not a man. Real men have dreams, ambitions, goals.

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  • It's about the way he was raised.. Unless you have losing something you never really take on your goals my advice if you care for him give the relationship a break see if he changes make him fight.

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  • When people have such behavior they are not stressed or being pushed by anyone, they are just lazy and scared, all they think is WHAT IF THIS, WHAT IF THAT. You did your part and that's all, you have the feel to help the guy to change and get a job but if the guy refuses then you're done. You don't ow him anything anymore and he is high all the time. Try not to to be attached to him and do some other things you need in your life. I do always say if people don't want to help them selves, why should i? 27 years old !!! i had two jobs since i was 22 till i turned 30.

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  • So you are in a relationship with a man-child. really only one thing you can do.

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  • Wow. Y waste ur time on this guy. He is a 27 yo man child, he is only gonna slow u down. If u seriously like this guy, then u r messed up in the head.

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  • He sounds like a deadbeat loser. Hope you don't your going to change him... Surprised he doesn't ask you to wipe his ass

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  • Break up. He's your problem, but he should be his own. Do both yourselves a favour and break up on a positive note.
    I'm sure he's a great guy and worth hanging out with. But if you really can't live with it, then just don't. He's old enough to take care of himself. You shouldn't be teaching him basic stuff, and he shouldn't be asking you to motivate him. Try to stay friends, stay fuckbuddies if you don't want to let go all the way. But ij the mean time i suggest you find someone you can look up to.
    Ps. Buy him this book: www.amazon.de/.../ref=sr_1_1

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  • I would suggest you to seek for a clinical psychologist. I do not have all the info to give you my suggestion, but he has been exposed to Marijuana through his friends (in fact, it seems like many of his friends, if not everyone, smoke Marijuana as well), using the overdraft of 100 bucks from his bank despite his economic competency, and has been arguing for little hassels. Perhaps, I presume that he's got some issues with his mother, too.

    I can only understand that you are stressed out as you are also facing your own financial situation, the quality of your relationship (which doesn't satisfy you), and some other daily hassels that I have not heard of.

    It is probably the best opinion I can give you --- seek out a clinical psychologist.

    ... and please do not call him as a loser or force him to drive as he might be struggling to do daily tasks. Though, tell him that you do not appreciate his negative comments on yourself.

    That's really it from me.
    Good luck.

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  • Sounds like he's depressed

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  • Dump him he is a liability get a dildo instead

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  • You're not the problem, he is

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  • You're a control freak and since you cannot control your own life or what happens, you control other people's lives.

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    • So just let my boyfriend become homeless again right? Because thats what girlfriends do!

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    • You kept on saying hurtful things to me but you are getting mad because I responded in anger? I will be the bigger person then. Sorry for responding in anger. You have to get all the facts before you make accusations. You don’t know how long I have been with this person. You don’t know how often this person calls me in a day, you don’t know how much it crushes the person when I stop talking to him. Why would you waste time creating a new account if yours gets deleted? People who have families don’t do that.

    • How can you say hurtful things and not get a bad response from me? Im supposed to accept it? You are hurting just as much as I am. I wrote this is in my post. I have dealt with three losses in the past year. Sir, internet trolls who say stuff like you do, they do not have families. You are two out of 30 people saying those nasty things. How is that not resonating with you? You don’t know my story and I am just asking a simple question that you never answered. WTF?

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