Girls, why do you do this?

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of like, a month or two or something.

Firstly, she is a nice girl, nice personality, nice body. She did nothing wrong.

However, we were hardly seeing much of each other near the end, and tbh I just wasn't feeling that spark, that chemistry between us. I basically asked her out because I was having a boring summer and I was drunk and I dunno, I figured I'd try some casual fun and see how things develop.

They didn't develop, I felt really bad I wanted to do this because I am not a player and tbh breaking up with someone I'm not that into seems harder than my previous dumps because she really hadn't done anything wrong, this was all down to me.

However, as they say, when you want out you want out, she needs to be able to know where I stand and be able to pursue other guys who WILL really like her and show her what a GOOD relationship can be like.

Part of the reason the relationship lasted as long as it did was because I hoped she would dump me, I guess partly out of guilt for having to do it to her but also because the person doing the dumping walks away feeling a bit less wounded from the whole affair. "well at least it was my choice" can help people get over this stuff.

Anyway onto my question.

Why do a girl's friends always seem to metaphorically dog-pile onto the ex guy in a break-up even though it doesn't involve you and you don't know why it happened?

I guess I can understand the knee-jerk notion of showing solidarity and trying to protect her feelings, using the logic that pulling the guy down can help build the girl up or whatever but it just seems really weak tbh.

Whatever anyone says and however the girl feels now, I did the right thing, a lie of a relationship where she thinks its going places it isn't is worse than the split. Through this whole thing I've not wanted to cause her hurt but it came down to not causing the bigger hurt. We never got terribly serious, I never said anything to make her think I felt a way I didn't yet I am the sub-human in her friends eyes.

See I wouldn't allow any of my mates to say stuff about her, and most wouldn't say sh*t anyway.

They say stuff like "Ah well man, plenty of others, that's life" etc.

Girls seem to say "Ah well he's a [censored, engage imagination]" and so on.

Why do you do it? Do you honestly think that an ex boyfriend is really that contemptible?...or is it just empty words of solidarity with your friend?


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's a boy bash to make us feel better. I have no idea why we do it...but we do it our whole lives. I remember when I was younger, and was mad at my "crush." My best friend insulted him in agreement with me, calling him a "buttface" (we were like 13 lol) and I got mad because "I like his face!"

    The point is we do it to guys we dated, to guys our friends date, to guys we like and our frustrating us... to guys in general because we're weird creatures who somehow feel better if we're insulting someone. Maybe it's a, "oh I'll feel better about him breaking up with me if he's a loser and I didn't really want to be with him anyway." So unfortunately for the guy (and you in this case) we turn them into "losers" in our heads so we can deal with it better. Some girls and their friends carry it to more of an extreme than others, but yeah, that's basically it.

    Bottom line: don't take it personally. If she's insulting you, that means she liked you and wants to make herself not like you so it doesn't hurt as much. You did the right thing but that doesn't mean it's not going to hurt, ya know?


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 7

  • In some cases, it's to show solidarity. I'm friends with people who I truly believe are good people. Anyone who isn't genuine, or straightforward, who ends up hurting her, well, I'm not getting a good impression about the guy. It's also to get my friend to move on -- that there are guys out there that would give her a good relationship. Someone who wasn't drunk who wanted to fool around for a bit to see what happened. (cause I'm thinking she wanted a serious relationship? and not up for fooling around as well?) because those guys do exist too.

    I don't think they are empty words in my case, because I'm friends with people who I truly care about. and it really depends on what the ex did. If the ex. was sincere and let her know straightup, I would just tell her to move on. I wouldn't bash the guy. But if the guy was immature in handling the breakup, then yea I'd point that out so she'd realize what a bad relationship that was.

  • I think that either sex is capable of this. My ex also broke up with me because he wasn't "in it" anymore. In the following weeks/months he got super defensive about his decision and became sort of a jerk about the whole thing. Now I resent him more for his behavior AFTER the breakup than for the breakup itself, and that's sad.

    I think it's very important to have a good, positive support system around when breakups happen, but one thing that hurts more than helps is unnecessary drama and word-flinging. And unfortunately some people-girls or guys- don't get it!

  • You did the right thing.

    In a situation like this, sometimes it is okay to be friends after. Just because a relationship didn't work for two people, doesn't mean they don't get along well and have things in common and can't still be friends. Sometimes just the offer will help her get over the feeling of rejection.

    The reason girls talk like that to each other is because they want to make the 'dumped' feel better about herself. If a girl has low self-esteem, then she might feel really bad about herself bbecause even though in your mind she didn't do anything wrong, in her mind she is overanalyzing absolutely everything because she feels like she did something wrong. Don't be too offended by it if it's just talk. A girls friends will try to do anything to get her to feel better about herself, even if it means putting a guy down. It's not right, but if it's not harming you any, just let it be.

  • u did the right thing, ending the realationship.

    I mean what's the point of being with someone if there is no longer a spark there, RIGHT!

    To tell you the honest truth the girl was just proberly feeling hurt or rejected and wanted to get you back some how or wanted to make you feel like she was feeling when you broke up with her, just ignore girls like that pay no attention what so ever they will get over it.

  • I think you did the right thing ending the relationship, but to her defense you didn't really have a sincere interest in her and at the very least upset her/maybe broke her heart. Moreover, if you didn't tell her upfront that it is purely casual, it honestly makes you look like whatever "bleep" word they choose to call your actions.

  • I think that for the most part it is empty words of solidarity with our friends. But you also have to consider a couple things.

    A friend will respond by what they are told, if one of the people in the relationship were hurt by it more than you realize then the friend(s) is/are only hearing the venting about it and only hearing bad things, causing the friend to console and agree to comfort.

    Also some girls are just C You Next Tuesday S.

  • This is just a side note and not an answer to your question:

    "I hoped she would dump me, I guess partly out of guilt for having to do it to her but also because the person doing the dumping walks away feeling a bit less wounded from the whole affair. " ... That's not exactly true. Just for future reference. It's just prolonging the pain and confusion. I think my ex was trying to do that to me and I would rather have had him tell me straight up than to have me think I was doing something wrong for so many months. Months. I could've saved so much time. There's really no closure, for the girl, obviously. It's kind of a courtesy to tell her cause you spent so much time with the person (or was willing to).


What Guys Said 1

  • Its a psychological defense mechanism to help sooth or rid feelings of attachment after a relationship has ceased to exist.

    Guys do it, girls do it more; its in our nature to do so.

    Don't let it get to you, bro. Just keep your head high. Girls just lookout for one another and like to show it directly to the person's face, while us guys will, for the most part, just say amongst ourselves how "there's plenty of fish in the sea" or "there's more where that came from."

    I've been in the almost exact same situation as you, and yeah I broke it off. This happened two years ago. I see my ex-girlfriend from time to time, and she still hates me. Don't ask me why, but she still does. Her friends aren't the nicest either. I saw her friend the other day, and she gave me the cold shoulder; but her other friend is really cool and we talk.