Would you be put off dating someone who’d been in a abusive relationship?

My last serious relationship was 5 years ago. My last partner and I split bc he was violent and abusive to me. We have 2 children together and they see him regular. I have healed and get on ok with my ex considering everything. I’ve learnt to be friendly for the children sake but would never go back with him.
He has been in a relationship pretty much since we split but he does still text me inappropriately sometimes.
I've met a new man and we haven’t yet discussed our ex’s. I want to be totally open with him about my ex but don’t want to put him off.
Some people might think I’m damaged goods.
If you met someone and they told you they had a abusive ex partner would you be put off?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • No I wouldn't be put off. And not just because I've been on the worse end of a violent abusive relationship. If I like someone I'll want to be with them. We all have out baggage and hang ups after all.
    It is something which I think does need to be discussed fairly early though, especially if the ex in question is still in your life due to the kids. Just so it doesn't become an uncomfortable question of withheld information down the line. You dont need to give the full horrible details if you dont want to. Just outline it in broad brushstrokes, and give him time to process it slowly and ask questions.

    And you know sometimes a relationship can do a hell of a job helping you heal from that sort of trauma, even if it doesn't work out. It did for me.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I have been in an abusive relationship and my experience is no, it makes no difference to men. I havr only told two but they were good men and it made no difference to them. Of course you have to show you have moved on, love yourself again and not sit and talk about your ex for hours - just like in a “normal” relationship.

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What Guys Said 22

  • We all have our own baggage. So in that sense, yes you're "damaged goods" in the sense you've got some baggage there. Even if you're healed you still went through some shit. Staying in a abusive relationship long-term will do that to anyone.

    That said I don't know that knowledge would be enough for me to bounce from seeing that girl further. Yes it's off putting. Not having an abusive ex, but knowing you stayed with an ex after he was abusive. Which is where the "damaged" idea comes from. Assuming he hit you once and you left immediately that would be a factor I take into account.

    I'd think about did she stay with him after? How long did it go on? Should I be concerned about him, with the way he's still texting her now? Will I have to be concerned with him being abusive to the kids down the road? Am I up for dealing with his baggage as well, because he's going to be a regular part of their life. None of that is fun, but that's where my head would be at if I were considering the situation.

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  • For me, it would depend how you're handling it (or how you've handled it) and how you are now. One thing is for certain though, it's very important he know this because it can explain a lot to him about what you've been through, and how you might behave because of it (he'll be more understanding). As far as "off putting", I mean, it's never a good thing, but we all have "baggage". I wouldn't write you off just because of this if I like you.

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  • No, in fact i think personally it would be more incentive for me to show you how an actually relationship should be like, and i hate to sound like your mother here, but if he can't accept the fact that your last relationship wasn't all sunshine and lollipops, and that puts him off. He's probably not the kind of guy you should be with. So No. Not in the slightest.

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  • I wouldn't be put off, but I would want that info pretty early on. Trust means a lot to me. And that's a big issue to wait until someone is with you for a long time to reveal

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    • I was hoping he would bring up the conversation about our ex’s. I’m not really sure how to say it to him. I don’t want to make a big deal about it bc to me it isn’t. I spent 5 years healing myself. To me I’m not a victim

    • I mean he knows your kids dad right? Or knows about him?

  • Only way that would be a problem for me is if his actions started to affect our relationship kids or no kids you have a duty to not emplode your current relationship because a previous one

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  • I don't believe your damaged goods. If I met someone and they told me that they were in an abusive relationship it wouldn't be a put off. I believe that sometimes we get into relationships that aren't good but we can at least learn from those past relationships and try to avoid the same mistakes. Of course you'll never forget what you experience and will always have those feelings and emotions of what you went though during those times or even scars and bruises.

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  • Not put off but, it makes it so you can't really become fully comfortable with the person. If only because, in the back of your head, it makes you worries you might trigger something. Like, say part of the abuse was that you were raped, now it makes sex kind of awkward since you fear maybe them having flashbacks. Or if we get angry, feeling bad about it if you react the way we imagine you did with your ex. Maybe even getting mad for thinking you'd find us capable of doing what they did.

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  • No, it wouldn't put me off. You seem to here figured out how to deal with it pretty well, so I don't imagine that I would be put off.

    How long have you two been together in this new relationship? If you haven't yet talked about your exes chances are that him is worried about putting you off.

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  • It took years for my wife to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't her ex. It's a tough road for everybody. We stuck it and are still together but not everyone has that fortitude.

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  • You should tell your new man that you were in a bad relationship but you should not get into too much details about your ex. Your new guy is not going to want to hear a lot of nitty-gritty details about your ex.

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  • It would skew my view id be more aware of my actions and humor for sure. Id probably see youin a different light. I've been in ur new partners place sometimes its frustrating. If he's worth it he will beal with it if not not

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  • You are damaged goods. Sorry. That doesn't mean you are completely fucked, but you have to cut your losses and accept the facts of your past. Two children with an abusive man is a terrible advertisement... it shows a lot. You could have decided to not have unprotected sex with him or to take birth control etc there are many ways to prevent pregnancy, why did you give this asshole two children? Figure that out and then move forward from there, you have a lot to unpack in your subconscious before moving forward with any healthy relationship.

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  • no I wouldn't I was abused all 15 yrars. she tortured me mentally and phtsically

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  • Nope wouldn't bother me... Though if the other guy was still around he would know real quick what it's like being the bitch

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  • Nope i have dated girls who were sexually abused and others beaten by ex partner etc

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  • I would not be put off because I still have to get know you first.

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  • No I don't believe so but you would want to know that up front

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  • Nope. Be honest but don't act like damaged goods.

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  • Yes...

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    • Do you mind saying why?

  • No. However most people can sympathise at face value but not empathise. As a guy I've been at the recieving end. My abusive relationship cost me my ability to freely sleep around. As a consequence I have a hard time trusting and need a deep bond before we can connect. Some girls couldn't understand that and walked away. A few were very decent and understanding. It really depends on your compatibility.

    Frankly I would say you need to give it time to let but if you get to know each other slowly and at some point you do need to find the right opportunity to talk about it because in case if you are carrying any emotional baggage and he is not supportive you're going to have nothing with problems later on anyway. But by then you've already grown attached so it becomes harder to break something off...

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  • If the baggage didn't effect sex life

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  • I would as long as she was totally out of the relationship and had no contact with the Ex. In your case that would not be possible.

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What Girls Said 1

  • No you were the victim. but I wouldn't share that with every guy you meet

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