Will I ever be capable of finding a boyfriend?

im 24, & have had only 1 boyfriend 3 years ago who raped me for 2 months straight before he broke up with me. I was naive then & he told me it was my fault or he was sorry & will change. i believed him. i didn't want to lose him, or lose out on love. i struggled to find 'love' so i stayed until he broke up with me. I know now what he did was wrong & not my fault. I've also been sexually assaulted 3 times in the past when I've only wanted to make out until i was comfortable with the guy, or knew hed stick around. Now 3 years later, i haven't been on 1 date. Im scared i just won't find love again. the only consentual sexual experience I've had is the few times I've made out with an ex coworker of mine. he knew my ex and knew what happened. i liked him, and we'd have a few drinks and make out, but he knew i wasn't ready for anything more and never forced anything. id take this guy in a heartbeat but the problems is he doesn't want to date me. he's still there for me as a friend, but he's said he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve better & im more a friends with benefits without the sex. Any time i meet a guy its usually just online. they talk about how beautiful i am or wanting to take me on a date but once they find out I've been raped & sexually assaulted its like they want nothing to do with me. They just block me. i end up telling bc they ask for sex right way, & i just am being honest that im not ready. i feel like i should explain why so they know its not their fault. I've also had the sitatuon where i didn't say anything, & i made out with a guy & he asked for more, i got emotional & cried over fear & being scared of the horrible pain from having sex i had, then id have to explain why i was crying over something as silly as a guy asking for sex. At first they always seem to care & say its ok its not my fault... but it hurts so much when i find out they just blocked me. Im so shy and talking to guys in person is hard for me. Will a guy ever want someone damaged like me :(
Updates:
i try to be honest about the sitatuon and not hide it, bc then i feel like im lying when i get scared or hiding something... why do guys just run away from me? will i ever be good enough :( my ex wouldn't even take me on dates.. he took my friends on more dates than me. he even broke up with me bc he was embarrassed by me. I just feel like ill never find anyone

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  • I am so sorry to hear about your rape. I hope over time you will find the peace and healing that you need. I think you need to take some time for yourself. One day you will find someone who loves you, but for now, focus on finding your own happiness and not rushing into a relationship.

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