How does a girl like me find a boyfriend? Is it too late?

im 24, only had 1 boyfriend in the past & that was 3 years ago. I haven't been on a date since. He was sexually abusive towards me, i was just too naive & believed him when he told me he couldnt resist me & had to "make love" to me even though i was a virgin & wanted to wait until marriage. he knew that too. he took that from me. The other 2/3 experiences I've had were getting forced to do more than i wanted too. I was comfortable making out with the guy but anything more got me nervous. i didn't want things going to far, especially if he wasn't going to stick around... 1 guy i worked with for 4 years I've had a crush on ever since i met him. weve had an on and off thing where hed be drinking & id see him at the club, wed dance. make out a bit, hed hold my hand but when he was sober nothing. after not seeing him for a while it happened again. things got really heated but he knew my ex & hated him. for what he did to me & he knew i wasn't ready for sex. i trusted him & he never crossed the line. Even though he told me we can't date me bc hed just end up hurting me bc he wasn't ready to settle. He thinks i deserve better which sucks bc i liked him so much. but the experience with him also gave me some hope that not all guys will hurt me sexually. he asked once for more & when i started crying he just held me and told me its om. this is the closest thing I've had to a relationship since my ex... late night drunk making out hoping it would turn into us dating. Im extremely shy & even with him i can barely talk to him without blushing and stuttering bc i get nervous. Its hard to talk to guys in person. My friends set me up online with tinder. thats how they met their long time bfs & were hoping it would help me. i be honest with a guy about my experience if he asks if we can have sex.. that im not ready bc of what happened to me. i just dont want him thinking its bc of him.. but everytime guys block me. part of it is wanting to make sure he sticks around/fear of it hurting.
Updates:
is it just too late for me to find anyone? i feel like being single this long its hopeless now... and the fact guys always run away as soon as they find out I've been raped hurts. i mean i think they need to know the reason i may flinch if they touched me. but i guess maybe no one wants someone damaged

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow. You’re a doormat.

    I am astonished at the shit that goes on amongst my peers these days. God damn. “you can’t resist me...” what the actual fuck is that?

    I would have gauged that fuckers eyes out and broke his dick, or hammer a fucking nail into his ass. Honestly, you really should have caused him physical harm in my opinion. You also should have walked away. God damn. What the hell were you thinking?

    Oh wait, I know what you were thinking. These things made him attractive because kindness is ugly and repulsive, therefore you wanted to wait until marriage, but also get naked with a guy who wants to force you to lose your virginity against your will. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

    And you haven’t dated anyone since then, ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. There just must be too many ugly kind guys around, none of them as good as mister douchebag. Honestly, it’s hard to empathize with you when I know damn well you could have chosen anyone but guys like the one you chose.

    You know, if you play with fire you get burned. That’s called personal responsibility.

    Now, that guy was a fucking d-bag and he shouldn’t have done what he did. But neither should you. And cry victim blaming, but God damnit, hypocrisy can only go so far.

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    • Okay, with that out of the way, once you own up to what you did, it is not too late. That’s super insane. I’m 24 and just lost my virginity this year. I’ve never dated anyone before, and have never been in a relationship. Plainly, I suck at relationships. I admit that because it’s obviously true, but that’s got nothing to do with being too late. That’s just who I am.

      I go through life as a person with an outlook and a set of beliefs, I don’t go through life looking for other people. That shit will make you depressed. And news flash, no one has it better than you. The grass is not really greener on the other side of the fence, it never is. People just make life difficult for everyone else by choosing selfishness over altruism, which is retarded but true.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It sounds like you're not ready for dating or a new relationship. You need to work on your self esteem, confidence and past experiences. You need to learn how to set standards and boundaries, and how to say no. I really think you should talk to a therapist about all of this.

    You just have to decide that "I'm not going to have sex until we're in a relationship and I'm not going to kiss until I really want to and at the earliest on the third date" (or whatever you're comfortable with) and then stick to that no matter what. If the guy leaves let him leave, that means he wasn't the one for you and that you do not have the same values.

    Never believe you can make a guy stay or want to date you by kissing, making out or sex. It does not work like that. If he wants to date you he will, if he doesn't he won't (but may still take the no strings attached makeout session you're fixering him before he leaves).

    Also, Tinder isn't the best app for serious relationships. Most guys are on there looking for just sex. Search irl or on more serious dating sites.

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What Girls & Guys Said

114
  • You have to try and expand your social circle. The more people you meet, the more single people you are bound to meet. In time you'll hopefully find someone that you would like to date. It'll be hard at first but once you get into the rhythm of dating again you'll be fine.

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  • The thing you need most, is not a boyfriend, but on how to let go and love yourself.
    The conception that you have of yourself, "damaged", is not a good way to start any relationship. If you can't even love or accept yourself, how do you expect others to love you back?
    What your ex did to you was despicable, but you still need to move on. What happened was not your fault, don't live in the past and in fear.
    Be strong and stay positive.

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  • Before you do anything else - you need to deal with what happened to you and work on putting it behind you.

    Most guys will disagree with me on this - but women have the control when it comes to consenting sex. YOU have the control - it's okay to say no, or stop - you might feel like you can't BUT YOU CAN IT'S YOUR BODY NOT THEIRS.

    Secondly, I would try to find some women much older than you who you can confide in, and talk about what happened to you. Get it out in the open - don't tell anyone and everyone - talk to WOMEN that you TRUST. Like your mother, grandmother, someone close to you that you've known for years. The reason for this is so you can understand what happened, and hopefully, gain some wisdom about it so you can avoid the situation if it ever comes up again.

    There's nothing wrong with being single - get that out of your head. You also need to know what you want in a man - think about it, write it down, and memorize it, then you can start weeding out the idiots who just want a quick lay.

    Empower yourself - learn to be okay with with being single - YOU CAN DO THIS!

    There's a lot of people who have been single longer than you, and who have been through far more trauma than you will ever know - they turned out okay.

    No one ever finds perfection - they just find someone they like so much, they're willing to go the distance and make them happy.

    Hang in there, sister <3

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  • It's never too late to love yourself. Only when you're having fun with yourself, then you can get a person with the same mentality and it will be a little different next time. Hon, I've seen people being single getting married at 40. It's just never too late.

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  • No, it's not too late, you've only fkd one guy, so your odds of a long term happy relationship are actually pretty high. Here's the big tip

    STOP HANGING OUT AT CLUBS STOP HANGING AROUND people WHO GO TO BARS OR DRINK like drinking at a beach or a picnic, or maybe chugging a beer while playing soccer or something, that's different then just 'going drinking'

    don't ever 'go drinking' or hang out with anyone while they are doing that, that is how you meet TERRIBLE S/Os

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  • Ill be honest, until you learn to cope and come to terms with everything on your own its going to take a very special guy to not get hurt again. That being said, there's no reason to give up hope, there's always someone out there

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  • It is not too late it isn't hopeless
    But sounds like you may not be in the best headspace for it currently
    But if you really want to find someone just have to keep looking I am certain there is someone who won't run away when you tell them

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  • Everyone has their own damages. But your case requires an understanding boy friend. As an answer to ur question i dont think it is never late to love or be loved. Just keep ur mood up, dont give up, and dont stuck ur mind with questioning or blaming urself.

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  • Its not to late, you need to find someone you are comfortable with talking to and is willing to go slow. Communication is the only way you will find what you need, find someone who can be a friend first.

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  • Dont call ya self damaged, love ya self and know what ya worth in life and a true man will recognize these traits ya possess and give ya the love ya deserve

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  • One day the the perfect one will come around if its ment to be its ment to be :) its never to late

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  • Never to late

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  • It's never too late

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  • Not true.

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  • Blue Anon here, reporting for booty- I mean duty.

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