Would you avoid telling someone you are seeing someone to spare their feelings?



I fell for one of my friends in college, and it was terrible timing. She was in a relationship when I met her and when I fell for her, but I never did or said anything because of that. Part of the reason why her relationship ended was because of where she and he were headed. She was 100% focused and chasing her dreams and her with his.

I didn't immediately tell her how I felt because she had just broken up with someone, though it's possible she might have known already anyway. I did eventually tell her and she reacted in a way that's just like her. Not much of a reaction. I sort of had a near death experience when I told her and didn't want to leave anything unsaid. I brought it up again a while afterwards, after she had moved to a new city to attend law school. That's the bad timing part because she was already on her way to another city. I needed to know how she felt because not knowing was making it worse, and if she didn't like me I needed to know so that I could move on with my life. She said it's not that she doesn't like me, but her priorities are her dreams and she wants to commit to that after everything she had sacrificed.

in the years she was there, she described how it was like, and how much work it was. Saw her with friends every now and then I started seeing one specific guy with her all the time, always. It felt wrong to ask her about it, I felt I would push her away by prying into her life because of how I felt. Now she finally passed her bar and although she is working all the time, they are together, all the time, in every single picture. She's the only person I've told everything about me to, and she knows me the best of anyone alive.

Maybe they are just friends, I don't know. However, do you think she would avoid telling me anything in order to avoid hurting me? Would you?

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  • I have done that more than not and for me at least it turned out worse. Worse in how I felt after. Almost everytime we stopped talking

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  • I've never done that but I would do that

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  • It was probably a combination of sparing your feelings and avoiding an uncomfortable conversation where she has to try and explain herself without you getting mad or crying.

    Look, women do prioritize careers. But when they are actually interested, they make things work. Even if it isn't priority #1, even if concessions have to be made, or time is limited.. they try. Just like she has made time for this other guy to be in every picture. The stark reality is her feelings for you didn't motivate her in that direction. I won't say she had zero interest, but it was very low.

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    • she's made time for me, but he's physically there. I'm not. I understand what you're saying though.

    • Have you ever had sex with her?

      He most likely is. He is there, they are spending time together. They are bonding in a way you two never had the ability to.

      I wouldn't spend another moment contemplating what you can do because the reality is right now there is nothing you can do. She went away before anything could develop. She might have considered it. But that was a long time ago. She is obviously not pining over you. She moved forward. Follow her lead.

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