Does anybody know what its like to be alone and know that its your own fault?

I've never been able to get good advice on this topic besides "seek therapy". Even looking online i can't seam to find anybody to relate too. Im a disciplined, charming, somewhat attractive man. I have a good heart, almost always putting others happiness in front of my own. My parents always hated each other and didn't really like me because i think they saw me as the reason they had to stay together. My mom doesn't talk to me anymore and i have a slight relationship with my father. All my friends are happy and married and im so happy for them but they don't really have time for me anymore. I have a good job and my own place and all i want is love. I want to create a family like i never had and i would do a great job at it. But i have this horrible problem where i can only be emotionally honest and sexually open with girls who are very mean to me and degrade my self confidence at any chance they can. Girls love me is the weird part. Im talkative, sweet, and i like to help people. When i sit down at the bar after i get off work girls literally swarm around me at work, And one of them i really like. She's the sweetest girl I've ever met. I know she wants me to ask. People tell me to just face the fear and do it but i swear its not that easy. It has to be a phobia. It feels just as hard if not harder than standing naked in front of a room full of people. Its devastating and i have a panic attack and shut down every time i ever think of asking her out. I make constant excuses like " i can never get her alone to ask" but i know its because im a coward and self destructive. Its such a weird feeling because i know she would say yes. I already know im about to give up because she deserves happiness and someone else will give it to her. Im about to get back with a girl that has never done anything but hurt me and make me feel like i need her because nobody else can love me. I don't expect any good advice i just want to know, does anybody else out there know how this feels?

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  • Yes. I do know how you feel.

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    • Its maddening. But im getting too old to act like this. I know there's more to the world then im getting out of it. I see it everywhere. I've spent all day thinking about how i can not condemn myself to an unhappy relationship again

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