Could you date and love an asexual person? Could you work past a lack of desire (but still full willing participation) on their part in your sex life?

tl, dr; see title, but it applies to the relationship I just lost :( sorry for the full life story :P

Clarify; if you found out the person you're dating is asexual (little desire for sex with any gender), would you be willing to look past their lack of desire in bed (but fully willing to participate) to accept an otherwise romantic, generous, caring, loving partner?

Personal Background; I've only had one relationship so far in my life, and I absolutely loved her with all my heart, but I never had any sexual desire for her and always felt awkward trying to make stuff happen in bed. It might be possible I just wasn't attracted to her, but she'a freakin' beautiful as far as I'm concerned, so we chalked it up to me being asexual. And she wanted it every day, often a few times a day, so we jokingly agreed to call her a nympho. But we tried it for two or so years, she even agreed to marry me, but after less than half a year married she gave up on me. Not because I didn't love her with every bit and corner and curve of my heart, but because I couldn't... demonstrate... my desire for her in bed. I could be romantic and generous and loving and caring, just not bed-wise.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's hard and you're an example that it doesn't work for people when one of the two is asexual. I'm not asexual, but my ex boyfriend wanted sex all the time and didn't, just occasinaly. We had a lot of fights about it and it was one of the reasons we broke up. It would be better if you find someone who is also asexual. Because being on the same sexual desire level helps in your relationship. Also when you didn't give her all the sexual attention she wanted, she could have felt unatractive or felt like she wasn't enough for you.

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    • I feel like frequency wasn't our problem so much; I was down to have sex whenever she wanted, but I asked her to let me know when she wanted, because I didn't have an interest in initiating, or have the ability to read 'this is when she wants it' in her body language. She felt this was demeaning for her, like she had to beg me for it, definitely not my intention :( and yeah, she felt unattractive because of my lack of sexual desire, no matter how much I professed her beauty or my love for her

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    • Insightful, thanks

    • Your welcome

Most Helpful Guy

  • It's a technique problem. Try not saying your asexual next time and just please her on a regular schedule.

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    • That's the problem though man, we did it on the regular. Her complaint was how I couldn't show her "desire". And I didn't outright tell her, I didn't know myself. We just found this out over time :/

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    • O I got the job done mah man, trust. I just couldn't figure out how to treat it as more than just a job

    • Show fake interest like noises or slapping he ass and saying fuck yea. I mean if you want something from her isn't fair to give something back?

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What Girls & Guys Said

21
  • I don't think Sex is everything in a relationship and not its main area even
    So I think I can work past it with little issue
    It may be better for me as personally I got sometimes weeks I think one can say I feel asexual to sex
    On that note I do understand for others that see Sex as a big area of it been a problem

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  • Being asexual wouldn't bother me whatsoever. I'm 24 and have had sex 6 times. I'm aromantic though

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  • Does your body respond to sexual stimuli? I mean... I don't want to make it so clear, but I mean 🍌 Since you said that you've been in only one relationship, there was not a previous incident that could be cited as you bring asexual. Is that correct?

    But I see that you seem to be sure that you do not have sexual desire (for anybody, since that's the definition). I think you could definitely have a relationship, but with someone who has an average libido, because sex everyday and a few times a day is a lot! I have high libido, but I wouldn't ask for everyday although when I'm horny I might joke about it with my boyfriend, and a few rounds yes, but not a few times a day.

    It's just that sometimes you might have to compromise and please your partner, but sex does more than just physcial pleasure. It helps with bonding as well. I feel that sex allows a man to show his vulnerable side (both man and woman because both are not just physically naked but emotionally). I can't explain it in words completely, but I could feel it, therefore sex creates an amazing feeling to have sex with the person that I care about and love. It's necessary for both the body and mind.

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    • Well I dunno about the official definition, but as you read I only had 1 relationship so far, with someone I loved with all I was. But no, I was never stimulated by her.

      And she did try to get me going, in the standard sense and we tried more unconventional stuff too. But I dunno, it just always seemed so awkward to me to try to do dirty talk or roleplay, even with someone that meant life itself to me.

      But I do fine by myself. I don't watch videos, I'm more interested in softcore solo pic sets, and written stories if you can believe that. I'm confident that I'm heterosexual to whatever degree of strength it is though.

      So maybe asexual isn't a perfect descriptor for me. I suppose only 1 woman isn't a big enough sample size to make such a decision, but I felt up until meeting her, and now that she's gone that I have no interest in casual sex. Perhaps solosexual is a better description, but I think my question is equally as valid in relation to other people

    • I'm not sure if people who don't have sexual desire would do solo? 🤔 I'll have to research on that... or as you said, you have some degree of heterosexual orientation.

      However, I think that being with a woman with more average libido might be more practical. It's the same case with any relationship. I have a higher libido for a woman, I need a man who are on my level. (I just researched some stats and found that I do actually have higher libido)

      I thought so as well. 1 woman might not have given you enough opportunity to explore yourself, and it's totally fine to not be interested in casual sex. I'm not interested in casual sex either, even though I love sex. My sexuality isn't that typical, either, because physical attraction and sexual attraction are two different kinds of attraction for me, and emotional attraction needs to be present for sex to be meaningful to me (otherwise it would be plain sexual pleasure, which isn't wrong, but doesn't mean that much to me).

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