Have know this guy for almost 6 months, we're really great friends (his words). About a month ago started dating, and from what he's told me and by observation I get the feeling he's scared to commit or DTR out of fear of getting hurt/losing his freedom. I told him that I've stopped dating other Men, but if he thought it would be best to just stay friends I would start dating again... he responded "why, is there someone else you want to Date?" I told him no, and he stated he wants to take things one day at a time. We have not slept together and he said he hasn't because "I don't want to mess things up". Told me if we had slept together months ago we probably wouldn't be talking or even be friends. I've met his Parents, he's met my Daughter (who he adores and dotes on) and he's met my Mom. He's appropriately affectionate with PDA in public, and in front of co-workers so I'm wondering how I assure him I'm in this for the long haul, that I'm the real deal. Thanks for your feedback!
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It is not a question of freedom. It is, rather, a question of being hurt. This is deeply rooted in human psychology.
Females tend to be expressive. They communicate their feelings openly and while this can lead to conflict, on the whole that studies show that women are apt to develop more intense friendships. By contrast, men are less verbal. They express themselves more by deeds than words and this tends to be somewhat self-isolating.
In this connection, by the way, a weird paradox. There is an expression. For a woman, there is no sex until there is love. For a man, it is not love until there is sex. Put simply, sex means more to a man than to a woman. For a woman, it is simply one part of a relationship, For a man, it is something deeper - which probably explains your bfd's reluctance.
In a nutshell, for a man, a failed relationship is isolating and the feelings of loneliness get no natural outlet. Men therefore, contrary to popular belief, tend to - not always but generally - tread more cautiously. They look for more reassurance and try - as far as is possible - not to do things that they fear might negatively impact the relationship.
Add in that men, not being expressive, are not as good as women at reading emotions. You can say all the right things and there still tends to be a nagging doubt. It is not rational or logical, but it is rooted in fear of loneliness and is therefore all the more real for that.
Finally, to that you must add changing cultural trends. There is an undertone of hostility toward men in the popular culture. Even things that deserve real condemnation - such as sexual harassment - tend to tar men with one brush, and when it comes to marriage, the penalties for failure are often - legally and financially - steep. So to fear of loneliness men add a sense of legal and moral risk as they enter any relationship.
Again, this is all not necessarily logical or rational, but you are dealing in feelings. It is not less real for being illogical.
What to do? There is an expression - Pay a man a compliment and you will get a million miles out of him. Be reassuring. Pay him a compliment - ESPECIALLY when he does something for you. (Thank him for being good to your child. Similarly, if he helps around the house, also express your appreciation.) Where sex is concerned, if you are ready, tell him that when he feels ready nothing would make you happier than to feel his arms around you.
Then, after all this, be patient. This will take time.3THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
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