Is the relationship over if you start to insult each other?

It was mistake to insult my partner for the first time last week. I begged for forgiveness and he completely changed after that. I don’t know what to do to take it back. I felt like I spoke the truth but he took it as an insult. What should I do? Did this ruin the relationship?

Updates:
Since people keep asking...

So I found out he was doing drugs whenever he went to raves. When I met him, he told me he didn’t do any drugs, so he lied to me when I found out. I called him out on it and I called him another druggy. He completely changed after that, meaning he started acting cold towards me.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Calling him a druggy isn't an insult. Its cold truth. Now tell him to get clean and stop doing it. Don't threaten to leave him, say you will be supportive if he does it and that you care about him and that's why your doing this.

    If he doesn't change, leave him.

    Also in general, insults that are uncalled for never goes away

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    • He told me he would stop but I don’t really trust him since he lied to me already.

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    • Yeah, he told me a lot of names that I don’t remember, but I remember that he mentioned ecstasy.

      I will definitely support him on making the change. But he needs to be more open about what he is doing.

    • I'd avoid situations and places where drug abuse is possible. If he is going to places surrounded by people doing it, the risk becomes higher.

      Also he must break contact with people who are doing it. Friends influence our lives a lot and this man needs to let go of bad influences.

      Good luck, its a tough journey but he will thank you in the end :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • By "He changed" do you mean he became nasty torwards you? If you said something that was true but uneccessarily horrible I would understand why he'd still be upset. It's too late to take back words and words can really wound a person. But what did you say?

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    • So I found out he was doing drugs whenever he went to raves. When I met him, he told me he didn’t do any drugs, so he lied to me when I found out. I called him out on it and I called him another druggy. He completely changed after that, meaning he started acting cold towards me.

    • Well... you were being honest. Some people just hate the truth when it's given. If he's your boyfriend then you should break up with him. you need to be with someone who is forgiving, honest, and won't hide things from you nor deceive you.

    • I agree. I felt like I spoke the truth but I guess I could have handle it a bit differently.

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What Guys Said 63

  • Here's the problem. For that few seconds you called him a druggy, you took away his identity. He no longer felt that you saw him as [name] and your boyfriend. You made it appear that his whole identity to you can be broken and reclassified by simply using drugs.

    That's his issue. He doesn't feel like his relationship with you is actually strong anymore because you called him (and this is a very important difference) a 'druggy' rather than your 'boyfriend who did drugs'

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  • If I were you I would move on without him because of drugs and that he is lying about it the whole time, the shit that he acts cold after he gotten called out on it doesn't make it better.

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  • The relationship becomes shakey if the insults aren't taken as jokes. As a guy, I dont like my partner to be rude and to swear at others to insult them. Last thing I want is someone I love and admire is to insult me. Even though this doesn't answer to your current situation directly, but I simply think that after uou feel like you have a need to insult your partner that's the moment where your feelings start to crumble away.

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  • Kinda screws up with the dynamic of the whole thing, it takes a lot to try to recover from an insult as it's very often personal

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  • Do u care more about this relation or the insults?
    If u love him, tell him to do it in front of u , if he will see u dont like it, but u are supporting, he will feel guilty concious, and eventually with your love , he will make his mind to quit on it, take him to rehab only that time.

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  • Me and my fiancee have sick and twisted sense of humor haha we always get loud and start to mock and insult each other but it's all out of fun and games. So it depends on the humor you two share! If it stuff that is to purpusfully hurt you than no that is not okay and that needs to end but if it is the little things than dont sweat it! Learn to laugh at each other for minor things and as long as you dont cut deep everything will be fine

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    • Im like this with a friend of mine so i know exactly what you mean. That guy just wasn't used to it from her.

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    • Fuck society.

    • RIGHT

  • It wounded him for sure. Not sure what you freaked out over, but there is also no undo button in this situation. Men remember these outbursts forever and the damage is done.

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  • The red line is usually on the physical part (lapping, kicking or something like that...)

    But, there is other limit, Do you like your relation?, does it make sense to you?, Are you happy being there?

    The answer to that questions is really important, and I dont think that being insulting or arguing all the day help to say yes.

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  • Well, venting your frustration is understandable, and your treatment by calling him another druggy placed him in the same league as some other faceless drug abuser.

    I say you should be able to point out directly how you don't like it and oppose usage, at least urge for more control.

    Him acting like that is just because he's hurt. Wait a bit, then initiate contact about the issue.

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  • I don't appreciate being insulted unless it is to enhance the fun during sexy times or simply done out of playful mirth.

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  • Yes, it should actually be over if you are thinking those kind of things but not saying them. If you are doing that but with them, then you are wasting time.

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  • Hhhhhhhmmmm, he kind of deserves it since he chose a girl that was *straight edge* I wouldn't worry, I have called girls really bad things, been kicked out of her house several times, I got away with it.

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  • You sure that he isn't fucking gay? Which fucking fag gets so upset and childish after a no no word? Let the whiny fucker read this. Maybe hell start acting like a man instead of a rich 12 year old stereotypical white girl. Fuck me. You poor woman

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  • I think you should've cut ties the second you found out he was doing drugs. That shit is a major dealbreaker for me.

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  • Assuming that you are right with your statement I see no insult. Anyhow, I don't see a point in figuring out who made a mistake and who did not. Some things work out; others don't.

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    • I disagree. Calling someone "another druggie" has a lot of negative connotations and makes the persons sound cold and ignorant

    • @MrManeless, It is a statement with a personal point of view, and disapproval added. Would: ''I know that you take drugs, and I don't like it'' be an insult as well? From what we read the statement was made without the intention to insult. Therefore, a perception of an insult is subjective, but not a fact.

  • Couples fight, especially in marriage, it's how you get through it. Obviously, verbal and physical abuse is a huge no-no, but if it's the first time I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just be more self-aware of how to speak to each other, chalk it up as a mistake and that's it.

    That's why in sitcoms the man might make fun of his wife's mother for a particular reason, doesn't make it right. But if a couple argues and it becomes aggressive such as, "you are an f-ing piece of sh... it, your not going to amount to anything in life" on a daily basis, then yea that is verbal abuse where it should end.

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  • if you asked for forgiveness it means you admit you did wrong. He should respect that as a lot of girls dont admit theyre wrong ever!

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  • If it's not already done, it's teetering on the brink...

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  • Hey he lied to you... it might have been difficult for him to admit it. Fights are a normal thing in relationships... it's good you confronted him the hard way. Now you know and the question is what do you do next? To save your relationship, I advise you take it soft and gentle... try to be supportive and talk to him again about it calmly... let him know you care and will be there for him no matter what. If he never admit to doing drugs, he'll never stop and you'll not be of help to him. Its not an easy road for him and I think if you are rather understanding and calm he'll open up.

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  • without a doubt. you can only put up with so much bullshit in your life. When your s/o starts insulting you. That is a precursor to something more and intense

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What Girls Said 31

  • You didn't really insult each other. You called him out on his drug use. Although calling him another druggie was not the best choice. The issue is that he might have a real drug problem which he wants to hide from you. You have a choice: accept it as it is, or walk away. You cannot fix that - that is on him to deal with. It is an ugly mess to knowingly get into.

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  • No one is perfect. Neither you nor him. Forgiveness on both sides is required here. However, make sure you tell him why your sorry and why you said it. If you don't like that he's into drugs that way, express how you feel. Conflict in relationships is normal but you gotta learn to talk it out and forgive

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  • So he lied to YOU first, and now he is getting insulted for what you said? You could have said it differently, but remember he LIED to you. I wouldn't trust him after that.

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    • Yeah. I feel like it kind of ruined our relationship already.

    • If he is hiding to you about this... What else is he hiding? YOU need transparency!

  • Well it depends... some couples argue all the time... it seems to me that maybe he's embarrassed about taking drugs and then lying about it and he's trying to shift the blame and make you feel bad for it... if I were you I wouldn't let him, because calling someone druggy is not as bad as lying to your partner about taking drugs... in my opinion

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  • In all fairness, he's the one who should be getting the cold shoulder. He lied to you and is doing something wrong and messed up that could possibly ruin your future together. I think he deserved much more than a name calling.

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  • Well he is another druggy. If you don't want one you should have been the one to cut it off anyway. If he doesn't want to stop that is.

    Likely he is embarrassed that you found out so now you know he is indeed "another druggy" and he may need help.

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  • Definitely. Respect is of utmost importance, especially in relationships, no matter how angry one is. We can never take back hurtful words said during arguments, that is why I always take a walk to clear my head and organize my thoughts.

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  • Its sad but normally when someone says something without thinking its most probably the truth. My ex used to be a druggy and for 5 years it ripped the relationship apart because i started hating him and had a lot of resentment. So in this case it seems your mind has made its self up and you are resenting his actions... you can't change your mind now. You will always see him as a druggy/addict and every fight you have you will revert back to his addiction.

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  • Well you were hurt he lied and said something hurtful. It's best to get out of that habit now. When you're hurt don't fight hurt with hurt. It doesn't mean the relationship is over. Lots of people do this but it's damaging to the relationship. You should apologize and explain that you were hurt that he lied. Not as an excuse but just giving more background.

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  • I think it depends on the kind of insults and the reason behind them. If it fits the situation, like it does in your case, there isn't a huge problem but if you're for example constantly calling him stupid or similar where it is not justified then there is.

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  • There a difference if your joking or not when your joking making fun of each other you both are laughing. When your not and you feel insulted you know they doing it on purpose so you most likely should dump them.

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  • He was the one who broke the trust. Calling someone a druggy is not the worst thing in the world and it seems to be what he is since he likes drugs sneakily!

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  • You know my boyfriend does this.. about once every 2 or 3 months he go to a dj show and takes ecstasy.. I hate it.. I think any type of drug use except for weed is just discusting... but it’s something that he enjoys doing and something he has done for years before I was ever in my life... & although I literally hate it lol I’ve learned to just accept it & also I trust my boyfriend so I know he’s not betraying me in any way he’s just having some fun and that’s fine I love him and I want him to have fun... if u wanna pm me to talk about u can :)

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  • Not necessarily just make sure to nip it in the bud and don't ever make it a common thing or it's a fast slippery slope to disrespect on both sides.

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  • He's way too defensive definitely caught a nerve sounds like he can't handle the truth you shouldn't have to tiptoe around in a relationship seems like his problem to me he over reacted

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  • If my s/o lied about being on drugs I might have said the same thing. But I don't know. I try not to insult.

    But you're fine, you didn't go out of line.

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  • If its the truth like this in this case, it's definitely not an insult but I would leave him

    Drugs are a deal breaker for me

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  • You spoke the truth. So when people react insulted it means they do not admit you speak the truth and so he does not love you that much to speak the truth to you and be open to you to save the relationship. If you insult each other it is a sign something is not good but if the other does not want to see the sign you are in trouble because in that case you must wonder what does he want from you because it is not love or your attention or want to be with you and perhaps he wants to change you so you cannot be respected for who you are so that could mean he sells his soul. To become popular and get rich easy with not making an effort. But what you get quick you lose quick and so he is a loser.

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  • I think he's mad at you.

    You might be able to fix your relationship, but it will definitely take some time

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