My boyfriend refuses to tell his ex-wife about me, what should I do?

My boyfriend (37) and I (23) have been together for 6 months now and have moved in together. (We are actually moving away to Germany, where he is from). The relationship is serious and we have even talked marriage. I love him so much and he is (despite a huge age gap) the most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me so well and shows me love constantly. I know the age gap might be freaking you guys out but I honestly don't think it matters if two consenting people of age love each other. (I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong lmao)

Anyway, he has been married once before and has now been divorced for about a year. He is still in contact with his ex wife (which I'm totally ok with) because they have a house up North that needs to sell. We live quite far away and he never sees her. He claims he has no feelings whatsoever for her and I believe him BUT he will not tell her about me when they talk. He says it's just an uncomfortable conversation that he doesn't want to have. Honestly, it kind of hurts me and I've expressed that to him many times but it doesn't change anything. I have left it alone and want him to tell her in his own time (not being forced by me or some shit) but it still bothers me.

Am I wrong to feel this way? What should I do? Part of me feels that he is more worried about his ex's feelings than mine but part of me sees him as such a wonderful guy so it doesn't add up. He is very trustworthy.

Thanks everyone!

Jess
Updates:
Hey everyone. Thanks so much for all the opinions! Its really helped me handle this better. I agree that i shouldn't be concerned and to just trust him that he has his reasons. I think it's valid that they are selling property together and telling her might interfere. On top of that, there really isn't any reason she needs to know. Its his own life and he is moving on and she doesn't need to be involved anymore than necessary.

I really appreciate everyone's inputs.

Thanks so much!

Jess

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't understand why you need his ex to know he found someone else, the implication is that it's serious because why would he bother talking about a casual thing. So again what's your vested interest in her life? If he's taking you to GM, talking about marriage, he's obviously very committed. Maybe you think if he's not telling her it's like he's leaving that option open in case she gives him a hint to come back? If that were the case him telling her he's with someone is more likely to pique her interest (some psychology about a guy or girl being more interesting when others are interested) I think your best bet here is to force it to the back of your mind and trust that the more and more you are with him, the more time that goes by,... she will matter less for both of you. Good luck

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Most Helpful Girl

  • If you’re not concerned about the trust factor why does it matter? What’s wrong with him not wanting to hurt her feelings if he thinks she would be hurt by them, or it could make things difficult for him if her hurt feelings affect her willingness to sell the property?

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    • You're totally right. I feel bad that this has been bothering me. I think its probably more rooted in my own issues than in issues with him. I've been cheated on in the past so it's made me super insecure about relationships. He doesn't deserve that. Thanks so much for the opinion!!❤

    • I think it’s something to be aware of, and if you didn’t trust him it felt like there was more there between them then it could definitely be an issue to push.
      But if you do trust him, some things just aren’t worth the fight

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 48

  • Speaking from experience, having similar issues in the past with an x wife, it is sometimes necessary to keep information from an x because some women retaliate when they find out that you have moved on and are happy. it is a good idea to protect your job, New relationships and future plans or they may get interrupted by a crazy X...

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  • I don't see the need for him to talk about his present girlfriend with his ex-wife. He has to deal with his ex-wife about the business of the house, but he doesn't need to rub her face in the fact that he has moved on with another woman. I actually admire his restraint and tact in not talking about you with his ex. There's no valid reason for him to do so. As a matter of compassion, he may be protecting her feelings. Maybe the divorce was harder for her than for him.

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  • Most guys after divorce, have zero interest in telling their EXes anything about their personal life. Simple due to the fact that it's totally irrelevant, and there's no reason for it.

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    • That makes total sense!! Thank you so much for your opinion.

    • Not a problem, I'm just going by what I see in my divorced friends.

  • It could be that telling her could just cause problems he doesn't want to deal with since he wants to sell that property

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    • That's what he says. I think I should just believe him about that but I also think, "what problems would it cause?" Maybe I'm being selfish though. Thanks so much for the opinion.

    • Show All
    • That's amazing! I love this outlook!

    • Thank you ☺️

  • There's no reason why he needs to tell his ex about you, unless they had kids together.
    That's unnecessary drama.
    Plus, you don't have a ring? It's not THAT serious yet to tell the ex, the least important person in the scenario.

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  • Don't you think bringing up this topic might cause problems with selling the house. Maybe he is afraid it will piss off his ex somehow (jealousy?) and that she might screw him over when the house gets sold

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  • Why do your ages matter? Why even mention them?
    Age Differences In Relationships DO NOT MATTER, People ↗

    Anyway, let him do it in his own time. Why does it matter to you whether she knows about you anyway? That confuses me.

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  • Why you have a rockin bod nice butt i march u rite front her tell everyday

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  • Not telling and lying are two different things. He could be not telling her because they're not getting personal with each other anymore.

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  • Why the hell does he need to do that? What's he supposed to say, by the way honey I met a young hottie that's 14 years younger than you. I showed you didn't I?

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  • The real question here is, why is it so important to YOU? Like, who cares? Seriously. His ex doesn't I'm sure. Do you tell all your ex's about him? To me, this is a non issue (and probably is to him as well). I don't see the importance of it at all.

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  • Take what she says with a grain of salt, but talk to her yourself. If she's not completely out of the picture yet, there are probably good reasons why she won't / can't disappear. You should know those reasons.

    Stashing is a red flag.

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  • The #1 question: what is it, that is causing him to communicate with his ex? Is there a child? Are they not finished with the divorce settlement? Is there anything pragmatic or practical in nature, that creates a need for them to discuss things? How long have they been separated or divorced? Is there any legal reasons why or why not, he may not want her to know about you? Does he stand anything to lose by pissing her off? Such as not wanting her to think, infidelity may be someone his ex wife can use against him financially?

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  • Sounds like you already have this figured it by the time I've found it, but I'd like to add my perspective anyway.

    I agree with the general concensus, I don't think he should need to tell her. I'm actually on the opposite end of your predicament though. I'm the ex who hasn't been told of my ex's successful moving on. EXCEPT, I have indeed learned of it.

    It's only been a week, but my ex-wife has found a new man already; I found out through her tablet, she left it for me to keep but forgot she hadn't logged off of her social media stuff yet. I wish I was a stronger man to just log it for her and leave it be, but I ended up reading that she already proclaimed love for him and how much she enjoys bedroom stuff with him. That hurts more than anything. I wish I had never've done it and could live in slightly more comfortable ignorance.

    So I imagine he's trying to keep it amicable, keep from hurting her any further

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  • Lots of things you need to reconsider. It's only been 6 months and you're talking about marriage+moving to another country together. He just got out of a marriage and already talking about it again. He won't talk about his current girlfriend to his ex because its uncomfortable? It shouldn't be unless he is just worrying about her feelings more. Definitely not wrong for you to feel that way. I'd be upset if I was in that situation too. Definitely let him know that it's upsetting being hidden away for a past love's sake.

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  • Men want to kind of leave the past behind. Why do you want to be part of it 😂

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  • I wouldn't tell my ex either in that case. You have to separate business conversations and private conversations. As his ex they might only have business conversations. With whom he is in a relationship now is out of her business.

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  • Nothing wrong with age, it's about how you two feel. He'll do it when it's right, or it just might provoke unwanted feelings with the ex-wife.

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  • Ok, why he is in contact with her? Why would he hide his new relationship?

    Sounds strange to be honest.

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  • Why are yiu dating a 40 year old when your in your 20's what happen daddy not give hugs or uncle used to come in your bed at night. Ew yiu should talk to someone sicko

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What Girls Said 19

  • He is taking you there for human trafficking. 100%. Dont be stupid. Check everything first before you jump the gun. If anything seems off it probably is.

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    • Lmaooooo I love how you can say that without knowing either of us. Just because a 36 year old guy is with a 23 year old woman means it's human trafficking? I didn't explain why we are going to Germany because it was NOT necessary in this question, but if you really must know, he owns a restaurant there and has all his family there. His sister has taken over the business and needs training. We are going to be working in Hamburg full time and have an apartment and family arrangements already. I've gone to all the work of obtaining a Shengen Visa and our black lab is coming with us so we have gotten his passport. His sister is picking us up from the airport and I've met her. Pretty sure this DOESN'T sound like human trafficking but I appreciate the concern if you were even serious.

    • Girl its been done before. Its not because of your age. Its thr fact that he keeps you a secret.

  • Maybe he's doing it to protect you. Remember he knows how she Is, you don't. It also could mean he's worried that she'll become difficult about the house they own. I understand how you might read his reasons why wrong or think she's more important. The best thing he could do is tell you why he thinks he shouldn't say anything about you. So I would talk to him again and ask why. That way you aren't left to guess negative reasons. Communication is a must in order to trust. Good luck.😎😊

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  • She might become upset thinking that he left her for a young girl. She might think that she is too old that's why they lost the spark and it might make her feel irrationally insecure... Which is a terrible thing. I felt it in a different way but it sucks.

    Did you think of that?

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  • Please be careful before getting into this. Your feelings are telling you something, like a warning. It will turn out to be true as well. I think he should have dealt with that issue before commiting to another relationship.

    Just really speak to your own feelings. Please do not ignore them.

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  • If you want it , he should do it for you because if you are happy he is happy. So he could help you to tell her. Otherwise you leave him I would say if he does not. And then see what he does do and think you are worse to stay with.

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  • Maybe because of y'all age gap he doesn't want to tell her, She'll probably judge , some think its wrong while others don't , or maybe its just his business and she doesn't need to know everything about his life.

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  • Firstly learn how to use brackets for your sake. Germans are very particular about language and punctuation.

    Secondly, unless she has an active reason to be involved in his life (like a kid or a pet) he doesn’t need to tell her. He’s protecting you from potential crazy!

    You might feel like you are being excluded but really it’s one aspect of his life and it’s the nastiest part. She doesn’t need to know about you, and unless you want to be her new best friend it shouldn’t be bothering you.

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    • I actually have a masters degree in English and grammar so I think I know how to use brackets but thanks so much! Also, when I'm typing out an informal question on a site like GirlsAskGuys the last thing I'm concerned about is impressing anyone with my grammar lmao.

      Byeeee

  • Age gap makes no difference other than making sure you both are on the same level and have same goals and you love whom you love so age makes no difference in my book. It puzzles me why he may want to hide that but it can have to do with the selling of property so I can see that, maybe to alleviate drama perhaps? I would say if he didn't tell her afterwards maybe I'd raise a brow. I wouldn't want to hide that from anyone and would be boasting lol especially if close and still keep in contact type bit.

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  • Ask Yourself If you were exactly the same amount of years older would he date you?

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    • I don't see why that matters when love is involved :)

  • The relationship with her is over. You are moving with him away, so she can't see him anyway. It is none of her business to know about his private life. He moved on to someone new, and thats you. Wow, you should trust yourself more. You are an amazing women so dont wonder about his ex wife. She is his ex wife for a reason. Good luck.

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  • first of all the age gap is not a problem. And secondly, he should be proud of showing you off..

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  • Well it is his ex so maybe he doesn't feel like she deserve to know. Probably because she might still have feelings for him and bringing you up would just be extremely painful for her so he's kinda saving her from that. I don't know, just keep an eye out on that. Anyway, um.. do you want kids some day? Have you guys talked about that? Does he want kids? I'm just saying cause he's up there in his late 30's to early 40's. You're still pretty young, I don't care about if you guys are dating it's just make sure you're on the same level before you move. Cause if you want kids, and he doesn't want kids cause he's older now... it could be a bit of issue. Just throwing that out there.

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  • She doesn't need to know about you, and he doesn't need to tell her because she ain't his mother.

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  • It's ok to be jealous sometimes. I can somehow relate to your situation.

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  • Move on and find you a man that's whole heatedly yours

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  • It shouldn't matter for you

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  • Sorry. Im shocked

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  • I've been in this position exactly!. My boyfriend didn't tell his ex wife for awhile because he didn't want to make things awkward. He is 100% trustworthy. And sometimes it takes time for these things to happen. I dont really think your guy is worried about her feelings, or disregarding yours. it's just very awkward for that conversation to come up. I agree that you need to give it time. I dont feel you have anything to worry about. he's with you, and your moving soon. She isn't even a second thought. I know exactly how you feel tho because at first I felt the exact same way. I believe your guy really just wants to keep the peace. Especially since they still have to deal with each other regarding the house. Good luck :)

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  • I don’t see why he needs to tell her about you honesty. If I’m an ex, I don’t care about your current or future relationships and my exes don’t need to worry about mine.

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