What are some hard lessons you learned in your new, first or previous relationships?

One of the hardest things that I had to learn is that people operate by a different time and schedule then me and don't always do things on my time.

For example there were many times where I thought the guy I was with was ditching me to hang out with his female friend when he wasn't doing that

For example: I got annoyed with him for showing up late for a date and then he explained to me that he had only slept 3-5 hours the night before and woke up from his sleep to spend time with me and the he showed me the refrigerated berries he bought from the grocery store. He said he was planning on going home to put the foods he bought in the fridge but didn't want to do that cause he would be late for our date if he did that.

Another time he was late and I was angry enough to cancel the date and then when I saw him he looked so shy and humble and respectful and sad and was so well dressed and he had lost so much weight from not having money for food that I forgave him.

Another time I was annoyed with him cause he went 2 days without talking to me and he explained to me that he had been at his parents house the entire time cause he was celebrating father's day and had an anxiety attack and couldn't sleep which was why he didn't message me.

I guess since this is my first relationship - I kept thinking negative or pessimistic thoughts that didn't reflect the true situation at hand.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Funny you mentioned about how everyone operates on a different schedule, because the first girl I ever loved, broke up with me because I work nights (and she also lived in a different time zone across states) and she called me and I was sleeping and I wake up to five missed calls, a crying voicemail calling me every curse word under the sun. I apologize and told her I was sleeping and it won't happen again, she says it's no big deal, and says we are back together and wants to fly out to meet me... I got a red flag after that, and I politely declined, and then out of respect for her, I called her to explain best I could that I think it's best we had to break up for good (I wanted to just text it to her, but that is horrible to do to anyone. I would never break up through a text)

    The lesson I learned was always set your phone on ring, and pick up when your girl calls. And also pay attention to someones mental stability and how easily they can get set off

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Most Helpful Girls

  • Some people intentionally hide all of their insecurities in the dark and then get angry why you never knew about or "fix" them.

    Logic is subjective, no matter how "justified" people claim it is. My case is too long to state here.

    If you're dating someone who says "I don't know what I want." Just know, they don't want you.

    Mental illness can really suck. There's a lot of hype of how bad it is to have one, but it can be incredibly taxing on the partner. so unless the person is dealing with it in a way you also find acceptable, leave them and don't let them guilt you about it.

    Often respect is lost over time, and its nearly impossible to gain back.

    Some people just want more attention than you. If they want to start drama, let them walk away and lock the door.

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    • ''If you're dating someone who says "I don't know what I want." Just know, they don't want you.''

      ''Mental illness can really suck. There's a lot of hype of how bad it is to have one, but it can be incredibly taxing on the partner. so unless the person is dealing with it in a way you also find acceptable, leave them and don't let them guilt you about it.''

      Homerun right there.

  • I’ve never been in a relationship before but I definitely learned from observing one of my family friends get new baes and break up many times over my entire lifetime (she did this even before I was born).

    I saw that each time, she broke up because there was a conflict and she didn’t want to confront it, so then she just broke up with the guy. They could never compromise. After countless splits and divorces and weddings and engagements, even now she hasn’t settled down yet and she’s my dad’s high school classmate.

    At this time, he’s 50, I’ve graduated from high school, and she hasn’t even gotten married yet, but is still dating around.

    I think that in a relationship, two people have to work together and compromise sometimes if they want to get over a problem they encounter. If they run into a conflict and just turn away, things are never gonna work out. There has to be some sort of cooperation between each party.

    That’s the only way that it will work.

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    • I wish my first girlfriend was like you, she just left me without even trying to work things out.

      I honestly dont think she ever loved me, if she loved me how could she give up on us so easily.

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What Guys Said 83

  • I learned that love is not all you need. I was absolutely in love, but with someone of a different religion and opposite political viewpoint. The closer we got, the more our differences about the most basic aspects of the world showed. It was a great relationship day-to-day, but was doomed from the start.

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  • The lesson for everyone to learn is that people aren't predictable and don't live by your rules. When you form a relationship then you reach an unspoken agreement over time where you both act in given ways to form a common ground. That is a contract of sorts, not a natural impulse. You should expect the unexpected from people. You should expect inconsistency from people and you should expect that what might be objective to you may be subjective to them.

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  • Your experience depicts a fragile and irresponsible man. What I have learned is you cannot be with someone that depends on your approval for their self esteem. A relationship has to be one of genuine respect or you will grow to detest the weakness or desperation of your partner. It is hard to adore something that you worry is not strong enough to exist without your constant effort, unless it's your child.

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  • Trust no one. Don't let yourself be used by anyone. Never give a cheater a second chance. Never marry, the risks outweigh the benefits from 100 to 1. Don't listen to friends, follow your own advice. Never give up on yourself. Be creative and inventive. Avoid sluts and attention whores.

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  • I agree with the time frame thing. Don't expect people to be as level headed as you are about everything either lol Like I look at some problems and try to be calm about it and figure it out logically while I've seen others in the same boat just shut down, even when I try to show them how to fix it.
    You can't always reach people, which is kind of sad.

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  • with the last one I learned more signs to look for when a girl is slowly moving away from me. Like a few weeks of less hanging out and then poof ghosted me and deleted all social media accounts and everything. There have been plenty more lessons learned through out relationships though

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  • None.
    I never got the time to actually have a relationship. Always the “work” guy.
    Sure there are crushes and all, but no real relationship.
    I knew a lot about girls because of my sisters, they told me to avoid.
    So i did.
    Maybe now I should look for one.

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  • Don't ignore early warning signs that someone is needy, they only get stronger with time so when you eventually end things they will go batshit crazy bitch on you and start accusing you of random shit like using them for sex.

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  • It's fragile. And that I can't change my direction in life if I want to preserve it. I wonder if there's really someone out there, who will like me no matter how I change.

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  • My last relationship, never forgive someone who betrayed you once because if they love you, they wouldn't, we all deserve someone who wants us and only us

    My current relationship, girls sometimes needs space, and the way to girls' hearts is "caring"

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  • Some girls only think about themselves
    Some girls cheat and run away if you don't romance them.
    Some girls are so closed that I never got to a serious talk an I'm still puzzled about what made her tick.
    Some girls give and accept body signs about desire but shut up about their feelings.

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  • You can't teach old dogs new tricks, my ex thought she could personalize my behaviors to clone hers, that means, always be late, enjoy spending hundreds on musicals and retarded plays, and hating the outdoors. Oh and never into compromise. You learn these characteristics within the first year...

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  • It is a two-way street. If he is going to be late he can at least send a text. If you have not heard from him you can always text him as well. You should never feel like he has to text first. If he was going to his parents for a couple days, he should have let you know this and not said so after the fact.

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  • Don’t ignore early warning signs such as things not adding up or gut feelings something is wrong, I learnt the hard way and was clouded by my feelings and didn’t want to expect the reality of the situation... always put your self first

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  • One thing I learnt is that making Compromises is important but it shouldn't always be you who makes them. In my previous relationship it was I who always took a step back and let her have her way, so I was most of the time sad and didn't feel like she truly loved me.

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  • Yes, most of girls do the same when they are in relationship. They really don't want to understand the situation of opposite side.
    I had some same situations with my girl friend too. I was protecting her from a guy who have clear intention to use her body as he told me so, he was common friend of both of us. He don't know that we both are in relationship. so I ask her not to more close with him, and now she felt that I was ruining her friendship.

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  • That people don't always feel the way they act. And that a lot of times they are really just trying not to hurt you. Which... kinda hurts in its own right.

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  • Keep things in mind but never jump to conclusions, I've been in so many relationships that I seem to never trust anyone but I never accuse them of things that I'm paranoid of because not all people are like that.

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  • AMEN. One of my pet peeves is being nagged about some time line. Want to be late for something, keep telling me we're going to be late. Want me to be there now, tell me softly you need me.

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  • That women are information collectors. And never forget a single detail or hesitate to use it when time is right lol

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What Girls Said 53

  • Gotta love yourself first before u can truly be with someone else.
    Also if someone just doesn’t put enough time and energy into the relationship, you gotta end it even if it tears ur heart in half because you deserve better.

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  • My hardest lesson would be, You can't make someone love you. You can be faithful and devoted, cater to there needs throughout a long term relationship and after years of work they can still choose someone else, someone new to give there attention to. I've learned that being a pushover and loving someone more than they love you will only lead to heart ache down the line.

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    • True that but the thing is you need to find someone who is willing to put as much effort in as you.

  • Never trust anyone ever again. Don't ever make yourself vulnerable. Always be cautious of anyone who comes around even if they are kind because they will fuck you up afterwards with their fake kindness by trying to get you expelled from college.

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  • Never be a guarantor for him. I ended up with bad debts myself while trying to help him financially, lending him cash, paying stuff for him...
    When I asked him to return some of the money when things are looking up for him, he accused me of being insincere and fake. He said a person who is sincere about helping others will not request back the money at all. Since I'm his girl, I'm supposed to help him without question.

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    • That guy sounds like a serious a$$hole, anything borrowed or lent is supposed to be returned.

    • @TheRealQuestion
      Yeah, he's a real catch, isn't he?
      Long story short, I broke it off as I don't want to live in fear under him anymore. Three years are more than enough.

    • Congrats! Now take some time for yourself, then get out there and find yourself a good honest guy.

  • That appearance is 90% of the deal, that fighting, even fighting dirty, can be healthy/necessary, that if the sex isn't right, the rest isn't either, that it's ok to pick people purely for sexual attraction, that preferences are an innate part of who we are, that chemistry outlasts everything else.

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  • That not everyone shares your morals, that they pretend until they get you and that if they speak loudly and often against something someone did, they have probably done it before themselves. And will do it again. Since my last a****** of a boyfriend, I've decided to take a lot of time to get to know the person before I let them close.

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  • I learned that if one of the two does not want a relationship after the start, that person probably will never ever want a relationship with the other person.

    I also learned that if you do not spend enough time together you will eventually forget about eachother!

    And more recently I learned that I should not give in to self destructive behaviour when things are getting more serious and you get afraid.

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  • Trust your instinct. Red flags are red flags, in the beginning of a relationship he/ she does something you don’t like then you need to talk to them about right then and there. If nothing changes then leave before you get hurt, I made the mistake of waiting too long and I’m heartbroken now. I’m over it of course, but I could have spared myself from it if I had listened to what my gut feeling was telling me. Never ever give second chances, if they hurt you once, they’ll hurt you again.

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  • I've learned to never put more effort than the other person does in a relationship, I dated a guy for 6 months that would ignore me for 2 weeks and act like nothing was wrong and I'd talk to him about it and nothing ever changed.

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  • Don't believe in the way he sees you. For example, my ex always said I was too quiet. Wich said more about him than about me. For years I thought I was too quiet even though I have a lot of friends and work as a high school teacher. Only because he said so. Don't let him drag you down!

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  • That forgiveness doesn't always mean you let someone stay in your life

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  • Only date someone you already know or whom someone you trust is on good terms with. Men aren’t used to women who are serious about relationships. (At least in my age group)

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    • I don't know about that I’m 18 and I would like to say I can take relationship seriously also talking to people you don’t know is how you see if you like them or not it’s how you meet people

    • @elite665 I tried the whole give everyone a chance and always say yes to get to know someone thing. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself, or his lips for that matter. This is all in spite of apologizing for making me uncomfortable by doing it. He just kept on. I had just met that guy for 5 minuets the day before. My rule is just know them first. I’m not against meeting new people, just against meeting them romantically.

    • Ya I get you makes sense now

  • 1. Don't spend full time with a guy who didn't give you a full commitment except giving you mixed signal.

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  • Trust is key and never compare previous to present. Communication is important and don't hold back on that.

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  • In my first relationship, I didn't dare to say no or speak my mind because I was afraid. Afraid of my boyfriend, afraid of rejection, afraid that he'd leave me. He was the first guy who said that he liked me, and I went through with it. But, my gut instinct told me that he was a bad guy and that I didn't even like him. If only I had listened to my gut instinct, I wouldn't have encountered some awful things that I don't wish anyone to experience.

    The lessons: trust your gut instinct, dare to say no and be yourself.

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  • Clearly lacking in confidence and projecting it onto the other person. I personally would not date a person who does not want to contact me while at parents, or who has anxiety attacks, I help people with things like that through my work, but they are clients not friends or boyfriends. It only takes a moment to send a message to someone so even with anxiety and being busy you still have time. When you get into this thing of why did you not do this and why did you do that the relationship is doomed, and until you have got to be serious and committed those things do not come into it anyway.

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  • I don't like being an emotional crutch, and I don't always have to spend time with someone.

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  • The hardest lesson I’ve learned is the best way to let someone go.

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  • I learned that men are way more emotional than women deep down. 😂 may not be true for every case, but for me... sure was an important lesson.

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  • To not trust everyone and believe in everything they say. So now I keep everyone at an arms length.

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