#StoryTime Have you ever met that someone who you were so INTO that liking/loving them made you question your dealbreakers?

I don't know what it is with me. Falling in love really clouds my initial decision-making and i hate it. For example, i never wanted to date a smoker, yet i stayed with my ex. I always said i’d leave a cheater straight up, yet i stayed with my ex. I said i wanted to wait til marriage, yet i gave into my ex’s pressure. I said i would never be with someone who didn't want kids and who didn't believe in God, yet i continued loving my “something like an ex”. I said i’d never do a log distance relationship, yet look where i am now. I said i’d never “go down” on a guy yet i find it hard to stop now. Why do we change for the ones we love? And sadly that change isn't usually for the better... I always looked at how weak my mom was when it came to love and i said i wouldn't end up like her. But the way i’ve let my love for certain men overpower my dealbreakers shows that im halfway down her path. Smh. I want my power back but I don't know how to regain it. I wanna be #BossChick again who can easily reject those who carry my dealbreakers and keep it pushin because i know the niqqa ain't THE ONE for me. But i think i’ve lost myself in love. 2017/18 feel like 2009/10 all over again :( #NeverSayNever #FeelFreeToList

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Most Helpful Guys

  • The last time I liked someone I was not compatible with, I did so because she had a great and consistent sense of humour. She laughed a lot and was always ready to crack a joke (and just have fun with life). She was also pretty attractive too. The problem was that our core values were not the same and this eventually led to the realization that things weren't going to work out between us. Ever since then, I've decided to place more emphasis on values that are important to me in order to prevent myself from going too far and being disappointed by someone who truly isn't a good match for me.

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  • Girl nothing wrong yet there is always time to change to better yourself. Don't demean yourself fact you did all those things and still keep on moving says you nothing like your mom. You strong. Cause it takes patience to be wise and old. You 23 but wiser. Smarter and stronger. Life is ahead of you. Don't sweat your past. It's there to make us stronger. You're welcome.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • We were never dating but I always said I'd move on if a guy was an asshole who wasn't interested in me. And well, look at the last guy I was into before I met my boyfriend. I felt I had to beg the guy to give me an ounce of attention and yet he got pissed at me for refusing to move closer to him because that wasn't a financially sound decision. He was in my life way longer than he should've been. A few weeks ago I deleted him from social media and blocked his number, I don't feel bad about it at all. It might be considered petty or childish of me to some people but he also said hurtful things like referencing that I'm comfortable with silence and that I would drive an hour to meet him. I came to my sense and know strongly feel that you should never keep someone in your life who hurt you

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  • Yes. And his name is Nico. He is literally the opposite of me in all The sense. He is a party goer, does drugs, drinks alcohol, is selfish and narcissistic, extrovert, a flirt, popular, etc.

    But he is the happiest person I have ever met. He was intoxicating. And he was intoxicating me.

    He literally has all the red flags and dealbreakers for me. Yet, there is this attraction we both have for each other even though he told me he is poison for me. That is why i stopped talking to him and had to leave him. He was changing me for the worst and I didn’t even care. So i left for myself.

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    • Omg he sounds like my Lou 🙈 he didn't want kids, marriage, had diff religious views, and so much more

      Even my current boyfriend is complete opp of me. he's a gamer who loves animals and like to drink and is quiet etc

    • Thanks for the MHO hun!

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What Guys Said 33

  • Yes... and it made me realize after the fact that they were deal breakers for a reason. Being in love has the potential to be a great thing and the potential to be a horrible thing. If you set something up for yourself as a deal breaker you have a reason for doing so. Being in love is literally a mental condition that borders/overlaps on infatuation. Studies show that the logic centers of your brain literally (and yes I mean the dictionary definition) turn off making you incapable of approaching the relationship logically. You can disregard things that would be very serious issues for you under other circumstances. The thing is, being in love, is a mental condition that lasts 18 months at most. In other words... after 18 months all the things you could disregard because you were in love become serious issues again. That's why so many people break up after the first year of marriage. They start out in love living happy lives... and then they fall out of love, the hormones fade out, and they're left with a shitty relationship and left with someone that they loved at one point only because of hormones.

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    • How do you know so much being so young? You sound like a 50 year old divorcée.

    • Wow this is scary. We’re 14 months in

    • I mostly know this because I read a lot. My parents were always a good influence on me in getting me to read good books. They had me read books that discuss healthy relationships, falling in love, etc.

      @DizzyDesii I'd recommend as a test of the relatonship to look for things that make you say "this bugs me but I love him so I can live with it." That's a good test to see if perhaps there's more wrong with the relatonship than you're seeing. That's how it's been in my admittedly limited experience.

  • Not really. I never thought about dating much, so I never really had any "deal breakers" set up. It didn't seem important I guess.

    Where you are isn't necessarily bad. And it could be you're looking at it in a way you don't like, when it could be fine.
    They have flaws you didn't want to have to deal with, correct? First step would be talk with them. Tell them how you feel about it, and ask if there are any of your own problems they would've considered "deal breakers" before meeting you. Maybe ask them first, to be safe, if you're worried about offending them.
    Next if you both see you have problems, which would be in the best interest of your relationship to fix, then come up with a solution: how many of your problems are you willing to give up for them, and how many of theirs they for you? Then, how much of your deal breakers are you willing to try and give up, and how much of theirs are they willing to?
    Keep each other accountable. But make sure that you only push them when it's something *they* are wanting to do for the relationship, but can't seem to accomplish. NEVER NEVER push them to do something because *you want them to.* But only because *they want to,* for you, or for the relationship. And vise versa.

    This is a chance to identify and solve problems at an early stage, and as partners. It is not only a great chance to get to know your partner more deeply and understand them better and why they are this way, as well as help each other improve mutually and therefore improve the relationship.
    But it's also great practice for later on. Because trust me there will be more problems. And if you have already delt with some it will make the next one that much easier to solve.

    Good luck, and I'm sure you can do great in the relationship. Even if there are some deal breakers. Those can be great challenges to help you get stronger as a couple. It's all in perspective. :)

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  • The scenario would have to be very specific.
    My deal breakers are among the first things I want to know about anyone, so I can't realistically see myself falling for someone who has them.

    I wouldn't even ask someone out unless I was sure they tick all my boxes.

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    • But these guys all lied to me then revealed their true selves later

  • Yes. This is superficial, but I used to only like short women... until my ex. She broke through some of my standards. I particularly was adamant that whoever I would be with had to have a degree or be pursuing one, she didn't. Her personality was great and fun to be around i just screw it, and threw out my "list".

    To be fair, she didn't have any real dealbreakers besides the education, so my opinion may not count lol

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  • My ex was a smoker and was drinking a lot of alcohol, she had problems in the past so I tried to help her, we broke up in the end but I'm happy for her because she moved on and started a new familly, me on the other side, still haven't overcome the past and I have problem with sleeping.

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  • I love story time lol
    Thanks for always sharing. Its awesome ☺️

    To answer that question. Well thats why we say you can't make such definite conclusions unless you are older and have fully explored yourself well. By 28 this part of you won't be a shocker anymore. You'll be more wise and will understand that love sometimes overpowers our checklist

    It's a shocker today because you are just learning it
    We change and continue to grow at least until 28

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    • Lmao your age things are worse than mine haha. You base too much on age too

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    • No it does automatically mean no. I haven't been with a smoker since him

    • Ya but at least next time you'll know thats its possible to love someone that also smokes

      You'll know that cause you lived it from experience
      Otherwise we just speculate

  • Ohh well losing yourself in love sounds pretty romantic to be honest. We do sacrificies for the ones we love I think and sometimes we like those sacrificies and we adopt them as our own things. It is inevitable for love to change you it changes us all. It is said we even take some of the adn from the other person and asimilate it as our own. But of course some bars need to be set.

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  • I'm just in my first relation and i reconize some of thosr things too. It's a long distance relationship and i never tought that this whould happend. I think that if you love someone, it doesn't matter if they have all the quality's you want. They still have something you love about them that is stronger than the other things you don't like about them. I won't worry about it to much, if you fall in love those things doesn't matter anymore.

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  • In the past when I've liked a girl enough, I've basically gone blind to dealbreakers and all that kinda stuff.
    I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and I think I get a bit caught up on how amazing it could be way too early lol

    I had a few bad experiences when trying to pursue girls like being led on for quite a while etc and kinda stopped trying since then but I'm trying to change atm

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  • Honestly, I totally understand how you feel dear Desi as for I tend to do that mostly all of the time. Some people are just weak when facing love, for the fact they are people good hearted, decent, sensitive, emotional, etc...

    I get really weak in front of a woman talking to me with really sweet words, eye contact, a lady, intelligence no matter what are the deal breakers, it is only the fact that some people are tender from the inside.

    My advice to you Desi is to follow what is best for you because there is nobody with "Perfection". Forget about the deal breakers and try to know the person for the soul they are instead of who they make you think they are. How to do that? Well very simple. You just have to hold the sexual talk for a while, go out on many dates, restaurants, movies, walks, etc... just old fashioned kind of dates and you will notice their behavior in many situations like for instance how they manage their anger, how much they try to push you into sexual conversations, etc...

    They maybe wearing a mask to show you they are who you need to get to what they want, but for how long the mask will keep on hanging? It will eventually fall.

    Waiting for marriage topic should be clear with your guy the very first moment. If they keep on hitting then you can consider them not respecting your decision, thoughts and opinions as for they will be thinking through their magic stick instead of heart and brain.

    You are seeing your glass half empty while you should be seeing it half full and move on. You have had many bad encounters and learning from them or you would have written something else under your question 😉

    My deal breaker is mostly racism and discrimination and education. Though, I always give a girl a chance because we will never know unless we discover the real soul they are instead of judging the book by its cover.

    LDR are a big NO for me, but when the opportunity comes, I take it and see where it goes because it might be the chance for me to have a life time partner.

    We will never know who we will be falling for, when and where. So why think about your mother's path while you already know what you want? 😊

    Keep on going and taking the opportunities life gives you. They will mostly fail but you will eventually get to that point you have always wanted to get. It is just a matter of time.

    Life is hard, weird, yet funny and full of surprises dear Desi.

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    • “They maybe wearing a mask to show you they are who you need to get to what they want, but for how long the mask will keep on hanging? It will eventually fall.”

      True

    • This is one of the reasons I always take my time knowing the person am dating before making any new step further in the relationship.
      Some consider it as being afraid of commitment while it is really not. How truly do we know the closest people to us?

  • Right now, I have a huge crush on a goddess. I have one problem with her. She doesn't agree with some of the things that President Trump does and she doesn't like people that own guns. I don't know if she voted for Hilary or the independent party. I hope she didn't vote for Hilary or I have to back away.

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    • Yea i once tried to date a trump supporter and that didn't work cause he kept throwing stuff in my face

  • Eat chocolate. Workout or accomplish a task you have put off too long. Same feeling. Use your head then allow your heart to speak when time is right. Your heart is still a 4 yr old running around clueless to dangers in life. Don't turn frozen but keep it chill

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  • I can perfectly see that happen - you heart is a strong weapon Desi :D
    When you totally love someone common sense can sometimes become a very silent advisor!
    And you know what, as long as you're happy that's what counts :D :D

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  • One of the most important lessons in life is discovering that you don't know shit. It's okay. Really, you don't why you believed a thought that was fueled by emotions after that emotion is gone. Think about the styles you used to like, the shows you used to watch. Things change as you age and you realize things are incredibly complex and diverse. It is dangerous to be declarative with words such as "never". Saying never neglects the person you will be at the moment of your decision, with the feelings you will have. Don't live in regret, just know that every soul on this earth is a confused moron trying to define who they are.

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  • When it comes to attraction, all bets are off. Nothing is set in stone.

    The trick is detecting the incompatible traits you are subconsciously attracted to. A lot of people are attracted to things that will inevitably lead to failure. That is something more important than making a theoretical list of wishes, versus really looking at the important subtle things that are the real problems.

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  • Sometimes who we are and who we think we are, are two different things. When you can understand and celebrate the person you are., the happier you will be

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  • Nope. I don't fall in love with people who aren't up to my standards. If they have a dealbreaker/multiple dealbreakers, i don't fall for them.

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  • I've always wondered why a lady would stay with the "bad boy". I suppose this is a bit of what's being said here.

    I know all too well now being on the flip side. My ex was not a "bad girl" but highly manipulative.

    There are many more men who are manipulative personality types. Both are masters at making us second guess ourselves. Making us feel add though we are the problem, etc, etc.

    We do care for these people, but I can't say it's liver in any sense of the term. So we stick it out and put up with their crap. All in the name of "love".

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  • No.. But I've definitely been infatuated by someone whom I can never be with

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  • Yes
    I have
    It's a vulnerable feeling
    But exciting at the same time.

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    • Although we can be our worst enemies and sometimes we can't just follow our feelings and emotions.
      But
      Life is short so we need to seize the moment
      If I could go back
      I wouldn't

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What Girls Said 25

  • Yes. My fiance at first had a few things I normally avoided. I realized though that they were small and I was being too picky, so I overlooked them.

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  • Yes. And it was scary knowing I would put up with whatever he did. He was intro drugs, had terrible grades, got into a lot of fights, and was arrested several times. Knowing all this just made me want to protect him and love him, even though I was sacrificing my own happiness. I’ve learned my lesson though: you can change guys like him.

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  • Wow... you sacrificed a lot of your beliefs for someone that wasn't worth it, or else he would not be in your past.
    Feelings make your heart take control of our better judgement so I can relate. What we really need to do is starting to put ourselves first. Because even when we put love first... it doesn't mean it will makes us happy.

    Are you happy?

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    • All the things i mentioned above are about diff exes. Its not really referring to my current boyfriend aside from dating someone younger who likes animals and drinks on occasion. But im happy for the most part

  • Haha ohh damn I feel you, I guess , or like for me it's not love but I like that person enough and he is making up for it with other great qualities
    Example the last guy I texted with, I always said I don't want someone being 5years older than me but he was already 7 years older and a smoker! But he was a great man it just didn't work out
    Or the guy I'm seeing now, is also a smoker (vaping and stuff not cigarettes) but I don't care at all, he is there for me when I need him as a good friend

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    • I don't see it as changing it's just that there are other things that make up for it and where you can look over it

    • Yea true some things really do makeup for it. And yea i prefer guys my age yet the last guy was 30 and this guy is younger haha 🙈

  • Well in the relationship I'm currently, I don't think I've changed my deal breakers, but I know I'm changing in other senses. Sometimes I even have to go against myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the only one making compromises, he is too. But at the end we're both very happy with each other and I think that's what's important.

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  • Its because love is sooo blinding and you start to do things for the person you love because you think its okay to give up your morals for them at the time when its not. If your SO ever wants you to change your justified morals for them, they are wrong, but love sometimes keeps you from seeing that

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    • Yea well this one didn't really ask me to change my morals. Only my ex did

  • I know exactly how you feel girl... I had all these ideals, then I fall too quickly and end up getting played by these guys that I already knew I didn't want to be played by.

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    • Yes gurl exactly! Share 1 story please

    • I once dated a guy, we were friends first and I knew he had a bad reputation with cheating on girls in the past but I really liked him. I feel in love with him and we dated for a few months before he inevitably cheated on me. I had convinced myself that I was different and that he wouldn't cheat on me, but of course he did...

    • Yep i told myself the same with my ex. Smh

  • Yea one of my ex boyfriends was a smoker... 🤮 I really hated his smell but still loved him somehow... Shit happens 😅

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  • No, I'm not the type to fall in love easily but I do have a cousin who is exactly how you described. Her ex told her to cut contact with her friends and just hang out with him and wanted to get married in 3 months! Insane i tell ya

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    • Dang I don't know about 3 months but 2 years sounds good haha. And yea my boyfriend isn't a fan of my friends either but i also made him cut contact with this one hoe who he almost dated yet called a best friend

    • Yup it's crazy bur at least she left in time

  • Super yes!! In process too
    Just finished reading everyone opinion

    If a love doesn't feel like an addiction its boring

    That feels good but kill us little by little but we crave for more

    :/

    I told my friends that supported me in my breakdown moment that m ok, that im over him

    But there's a lingering feeling of still wanting him... tho im pretty damn aware its a super bad idea...

    Whyyy thooo s. o. s xD good thing... i live far away from him and he is avoiding me... bc if not i think i will try to make him like me again... :v the hell with my thoughts

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  • Classic moments of “never say never.” Lol. I can’t say that I’ve ever really been in that situation besides dating a guy that smoked. It was my crazy way of thinking that I could change him (knowing you can’t change people). I figured if he cared about me enough he would be willing to stop and he never did. But this relationship really wasn’t all that serious. We did break up and after that he just became super annoying. He finally did stop smoking and want to get back together. I was long checked out by that point.

    All in all... love makes you so stupid and unimaginable things. Taking someone for their dealbreakers is part of that. You’re willing to look past it because you’re so over the moon for them. And maybe deep down you feel that you can get them to change. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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    • Yea but after a year you ealize they’d never changez smh

    • Sadly yes. It does happen that way a lot. But you’re smart enough to know that you just can’t change people. They have to want to change themselves.

  • if your likely being blinded/clouding your standards/judgements, it’s likely that of “the rosey shades” otherwise known as infatuation... certain dealbreakers are like standards you set for yourself to help you direct yourself away from things you know are bad for you. If you stay, it’s begging for trouble... (reminds me of few of my favorite songs “New Rules” by Dua Lipa & “Little me” by Little Mix. Give it a listen when you have time 😋🙂) They are like red flags/gut feeling (s) to avoid/refrain from. If your staying in things too long, you’re likely going to try and start changing your reasoning on how you used to look at or into things

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    • .. though, you keeping so many of the things you just stated earlier in mind, shows you more than thought about things, and half of people don’t keep those things in mind. happy to hear you did. Now it’s to put them into action and don’t look back regardless. People tend to say follow your heart a lot... but it takes both your mind and heart to carefully guide and reason on things. Not saying to completely rely on yourself as we all lack experience with something regardless of how old we are or what we’ve been through.. we think we’ve seen it all but we haven’t. So it’s helpful to get beneficial advice that could really help you and likely help others. I’ve had cases like this.. but i pulled myself back and pulled myself together cause i wanted something i could actually and realistically see myself in long term and beneficial in the future. So that’s what I’m working towards now and don’t have much problems with certain flirt situations that come in my way.

    • Thanks for the tips

  • Yes I have. I was in love with him knowing he was a cheater, a player, the typical bad boy. But there was just something about him.

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  • Current-fucking-ly. Met this guy end of 2014. Ended up falling for him mid 2015. He lived in a different state but I was willing to travel to see him. He manipulated the hell outta me and every time I tried to walk away he flipped it like he needed me. I'm the biggest advocate for not settling and knowing your worth. I stay caping for people to leave situations like mine all the time. But I never took my own advice. I hate liars. He did nothing but lie. It's like I let love turn me into a weak bitch. So I def can relate to you. But I'm in the process of getting myself back. It's been damn near 4 years and he's just revealed that he's pretty much lying to me from jump, so that was the final straw.

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    • I domt take my own advice either lol we need help. And was this the guy i think it was? And dang 4 years! Yea my guy told me he started lying after a year. Thats less but still hard. So sorry girl :(

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    • You watchin the challenge rn? Wes lookin good tryna mock Boobies outfit

  • No. Actually I met someone who made my expectation. I never thought Ill date someone with such a good heart and good looking , that know how to make money at a young age and still study hard , that I can see and touch everyday and he never let me down emotionally when I need it.

    And the part with sex. Do what you want. No one should force you. If you did it , you did it cause you felt that way. No need to apologyse.

    No matter what. If someone would cheat on me. If he cheats on me. Ill cut off his d#ck with my teeth and Then Ill spit it back to him. (Joking. Its too gross to do that. + it would be a waste of d#ck since he put it in another girl behind my back ). So ill just leave his ass and done. But I know that won't happen. There are more chances that Ill get bored than him.

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    • Yea all those things were with my ex and i actually did bite his dick lol

  • Yes. I can make exceptions for someone i really love.

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  • Maybe try to hear your family or friends opinions on the person as they are rational while love clouds your eyes.

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  • Because that's the point of love.
    To loose yourself and accept things that is different but you still love the person that does them.

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  • Yes, I have. You should sing Amazing Grace for inspiration.

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    • Tf? Lmao nah black people dont really view that song as positive as youd think

  • Wow Deep post and very true

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