How to stop being disappointed in relationships?

I feel I don’t expect too much. I expect what I give. I just want a man’s time, love, appreciation and heart. I don’t ask for materialistic things, nor do I expect them. I offer to split the bill with the men I date, and sometimes I’ll even pay for the meal. I feel I am honest, and open with them, and give them my time and 99% of the time I keep my promises to them (unless something serious comes up and I have to cancel or can’t pull through). I don’t give the men I date attitudes and I treat them with respect.

I am currently dating a guy who I thought was a good match for me. However, it’s been about 4 months in, and he started a new job, and he has to wake up early, and lately he’s been giving me an attitude or being cranky with me. I really don’t like it. I brought it up to him and he apologized and said he is just tired and he has been cranky with his family too. I told him I understood. We ended the call and I texted him “goodnight <3”. He didn’t reply to it. This morning he texted me “sorry i didn’t reply. I’m excited to see you today!”

I am just disappointed. I know people aren’t perfect. But, even on my crankiest, most sleep deprived, most stressful days I have always treated him with respect. Maybe i am just over thinking it.


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Most Helpful Guys

  • What you need to do is be assertive with him, and say look I appreciate you are having problems, but if you continue to treat with no respect me. I will have no option, to end the relationship with you.

    Or the other thing you could say, I really like you and everything, but if you are having problems, and being rude me, then I think we should give each other space, until you have sorted your problems.

    You don't want to be aggressive with him, cause you will make yourself more important than him,

    you don't want to be passive aggressive, like be cold with him or anything, because then you are making him more important than you,

    You want to be assertive with him, because you are making each other both important to regards to the issues going on in the relationship. ,

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  • You need to talk to him about love languages. It sounds like you most value words of affirmation and quality time. Like you said you could care less about gifts and it sounds like physical touch or acts of service are lower priorities for you. Talk to him about it and make it clear that even when he is feeling negatively that his words (and tone) as well as his quality time are most important to you. That will help him set expectations and plan his days so that he gives you what you want. Also make sure to hear and accept his love languages because if he is feeling loved he will have positive energy that will come back to you, like a cycle.
    Also be sure to communicate and talk about these things often, maybe once a week. Almost like a business meeting set aside time to work on your relationship. Doesn't always have to be a complaint session or a blame game, but should be a time to review the past week and talk about future goals and expectations. Openly admit to things you feel guilty for and give him the space and freedom (in other words don't punish him) for admitting to messing up and falling short. Only if you put in constant work will you be less disappointed in your relationship.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • You might be overthinking it a little. But you do have expectations. The unfortunate part is that men and women are different in relationships. Women are more emotionally involved and think any infraction means something is wrong. And it is easy to be disappointed, but you need to give it a little more time to see if it starts to even out a little. If it doesn't you need to talk with him and explain yourself and what you expect. It is the time for compromises if he cannot completely get on board with what you expect. Might be due to work, family, time, etc. You need to be respectful of that as well.

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  • You sound like me 😄.
    My partner isn’t like me in a few ways. It can work and I am just working on managing expectations and how the little things bugged me but in the grand scheme of our relationship they really are not big deals or red flags.

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    • I just get upset sometimes. Especially because I show him my love and appreciation even on his bad days. And when he was stressing yesterday, I tried to make him feel better and make him laugh and put a smile on his face. But, still, he gave me this attitude at the end :/ it also really hurt when I texted him goodnight <3 and he didn’t say anything. Our relationship is a good one, but, I think I will pull away a little bit and just mirror his actions :/ (i don’t mean give an attitude haha)

    • Men process emotions differently. Try asking him if there is anything they need? Does he need space, feeding or just time to sleep? Men seem to intuitively know when a woman needs space (maybe through self preservation or just not knowing how to respond 😄)
      I know it’s upsetting but try to remove the emotive thoughts behind his actions and acknowledge them for what they are. It is difficult being a more emotional gender but men really don’t think that you might be waiting for that text back. They think they have done a good job to text you in the morning the next day. I show my partner love etc on his bad days but sometimes I think I just need to leave him to it and go enjoy something else. If I push my partner whilst he is tired etc and fawn over him I can see he just gets more tense and normally results in him snapping at me rather than just saying I need sleep etc. I’m sure he appreciates you for who you are but sometimes it may just be too much.

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What Guys Said 30

  • 1. "I feel I don’t expect too much. I expect what I give. I just want a man’s time, love, appreciation and heart. I don’t ask for materialistic things, nor do I expect them. I offer to split the bill with the men I date, and sometimes I’ll even pay for the meal. I feel I am honest, and open with them, and give them my time and 99% of the time I keep my promises to them (unless something serious comes up and I have to cancel or can’t pull through). I don’t give the men I date attitudes and I treat them with respect. "

    Well, you seem to be a very sweet, kind and a caring type of woman as well. Probably humble as well. You also seem like a woman who doesn't mind giving, you are more of a giver. Giving 99% of your time is not a joke, that is a very good thing not everyone is capable of even coming close to that.

    It means you really respect the other person's time and the person themselves.

    2."I am currently dating a guy who I thought was a good match for me. However, it’s been about 4 months in, and he started a new job, and he has to wake up early, and lately he’s been giving me an attitude or being cranky with me. I really don’t like it. I brought it up to him and he apologized and said he is just tired and he has been cranky with his family too. I told him I understood. We ended the call and I texted him “goodnight <3”. He didn’t reply to it. This morning he texted me “sorry i didn’t reply. I’m excited to see you today!”

    I am just disappointed. I know people aren’t perfect. But, even on my crankiest, most sleep deprived, most stressful days I have always treated him with respect. Maybe i am just over thinking it."

    Well you have the right to be disappointed with him. I mean if this is just a one time thing then you can confront him about this, make sure you make your displeasure clear and then you can forgive him. However if this is repetitive thing that happens over and over again, then his apology would have no meaning and so you will have to consider breaking contact with this guy.

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  • You're not. Trust me. I did the same thing with my ex. It's not your fault that his job is making him cranky or mad. Just because a bad date or day even, turned out to be bad doesn't mean you had something to do with it.

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    • I know. But, it just hurts my feelings. Especially because we were talking on the phone about him visiting me today. And the tone of his voice when I asked if he wanted to come, it just hurt my feelings. He didn’t sound like he wanted to. I then told him “why did you say it like that? If you don’t want to come, it’s okay”. Then we got in a bit of an argument. And i don’t know. I just felt weird after.

    • I don't believe the relationship is healthy at all. I'm sorry. This happened to me and I have to say if you stay for much longer, you can be hurt pretty badly. I'm just warning you on this act. But you're really sweet and careful. I'm sorry this had to have happened to you. My best wishes to you. Actually wait is there a friend request thing you can do?

    • The relationship was healthy at first. It’s only been 4 months. I don’t know. I am really reconsidering it now. I know that no one is perfect and we all have off days. But, it just hurt my feelings and made me feel so badly. I am still so upset about it. And it’s been like 15 hours. Yes you can do friend requests.

  • Have to say you sound almost like the perfect girl. Hope you can work it out. If not I will be waiting, lol!

    On a more serious note, I also hate when do everything to treat your partner good and dont get the same back.

    Joking and being playfull is of course a vital part of a relationship according to me but when it turns into dissrespect, especially if it is one sided then it is just bad. So I can understand dissapointment.

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  • Maybe you are just over thinking it, because he say sorry and he wants to see you. But you should try to be colder with him

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    • I have always mirrored his actions. So, now I will just pull away and not be as loving and affectionate with him. Because, clearly when I am, even on his bad days to show I still care for him, it goes unappreciated. So, I’ll just keep my distance now.

  • With my experience men are brought up to not show Fear we want to act Brave but the fear of missing out since he's having to go to work earlier not being around you as much he doesn't know how to express so we goes to the next closest emotion anger. Today's society it's more accepted to be angry than to be scared

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  • You aren't overthinking it... maybe a little cuz I can't read your mind. Maybe he is taking you for granted. You seem to me quite different from the girls I have seen and maybe it's the same case with him being with such a perfect girl.. he maybe taking you for granted. Give it time and talk with him that's all.

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  • Me and my lad... whatever problems we had we go to our special secret place (its a restaurant where we first meet ) and spend all the day there just trying to figure out a solution and it always works...
    Problem needs to talk honestly and a look in the eyes
    RIP

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  • In a relationship you don't have to expect sometimes they will you without any reason and hurt stay away from it and be yourself that's the best way, if you want just date for fun and leave you can know how humans behave

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  • Sister trust me I had my first relationship and I already have trust issues I think you’ll be pretty disappointed for a while until you find a man that wants to settle down with you

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  • Look, you sound like a lovely girl, I mean it.

    In general quality people are hard to find, keep looking.

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  • Expect nothing and use that as your starting point.

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  • Maybe. Unfortunately I would say you can't even expect someone to react in the same way you do. Think of not as "coping mechanism". Everybody cope differently. You man mostly likely is the type that needs to withdraw from literally EVERYTHING when he is upset, including you. You have to give him space then. You may be ABLE to treat him with respect on your worse days. But he may NOT be CAPABLE of doing that on his worse days. Everybody is different. I wouldn't hold it against him. ESPECIALLY when you are aware nobody is PERFECT.
    BUT if this is something you can't stand or can't handle, then you two are mismatched and you need to find someone else who doesn't do that.

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  • Just keep doing what you are. doing and that's showing him your still the same

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  • It's possible he just fell asleep. The important thing is he replied eventually.

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  • Hey.. i suffer from that proplem also with my girlfriend i alway care and send romantic morning messages and when she is upset i used to burn my self for her to make her happy again and when i 'm sad I can't find her !
    I think the proplem is at us not them.. we must stop being so honestly all the time.. we can just be normal with until they check out that we changed with them until they get back and treat ua well as we do wite them and if they continued doing this we msut search for another date who appreciates our caring and love

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    • I have the same thing. In all my relationships, even with former friends, I am the initiator. When they are sad I am there to help, but when I am sad girls would drop me like a hot stone. Friends and family too by the way.

  • Stop putting the other persons standard's to high for you, no one will meet them

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  • Hey, I know the feeling. Try not to focus too much on the little negative things such as the text he didn't reply, and focus on the positive ones. He didn't send you goodnight but he sent you a very nice good morning text, and that is very nice! It shows he is trying to change! As someone who also only expects from the SO what I give them, I know how frustrating it is, but honestly never expect ANYTHING. He sometimes might not do the things the way you want but if you stop and look, he is doing it the best way he knows because he wants you happy, so just smile and try to see his intentions

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  • Yes obviously you r overthinking... give him some time.

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  • What you need from a man I need the same things in a girl...

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  • Awww cute

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What Girls Said 10

  • That may be just how he is. You've been dating 4 months which isn't enough time to get to know each other fully. (And, to be honest, I'm not an early morning riser so I understand not wanting to have a conversation or doing anything in the morning.. lol).

    Think about it this way: he was respectful enough to tell you he didn't reply and apologize. I think that says a lot about him.

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    • I just realized that I didn't even answer the main question. I think you may be expecting everything to be perfect... and it will never be. There will be some things that you DON'T like about your man and he will have the same with you. But that's typical of any relationship.

  • It's probably because you spend more time giving and people just get comfortable with receiving. If you're anything like me, it's about needing to be more assertive about what you want / how you want someone to treat them back. People will always take what you give them for granted, and if you spend more time giving rather than waiting to receive, then you're going to be stuck with the short end of the stick.

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  • That's the problem 😁😂you dont expect much. you need to lay down the law meaning let them know what you want and expect out of them. that way they have the opportunity to say,"oh well that is or isng what I'm looking for. that way no ones left with blinders and have options of leaving or staying

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  • I think the texting situation you provided doesn't indicate an issue. He heard you out over the phone and gave an apology. That's all you can ask for from someone, to hear you out and acknowledge you. Everyone is different and has different expectations. Have you two discussed expectations at all? Maybe that's part of the issue. Assumptions are also dangerous in relationships. It's a new job , it takes time to adjust. I think you'll be much happier focusing on yourself, giving him more understanding and space to do adjust, and discussing what each of you expect and need in a relationship from a partner. A lot of miscommunication and frustration can happen because it's not clear what the other person needs.

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  • I know what you mean girl! Im in kina the same situation, he needs to be communicating with you and you to him. I dont want to upset you more, he could be intreasted in someone else.

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  • Yes YOU DO
    Find a hobby and stop torturing the poor guy

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  • Don't expect anything at all. Expectations is the root of all Disappointment

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  • He sounds like a good guy, everyone has their bad days.

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    • He is a good guy. But, I think I’m going to pull away a little bit. It hurts that even on his bad days I show him i still love him and care for him, and he just brushed it off. :/

    • I get that. Good luck honey❤️

  • Don’t be in one

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  • It does sound like your overthinking it. I mean he probably fell asleep. He still texted you in the morning

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