Is it bad to express insecurities to my bf?

My boyfriend’s best friend has a girlfriend. My boyfriend and this girl have a friendship through my bf’s best friend. We all went out one night, and I noticed that the girl tends to get close to my boyfriend sometimes, and gives him a little more attention that I’m ok with. I’m not sure if I became so insecure, or was more on my guard because previously my boyfriend told me that one night at a party, after the girl and her boyfriend were talking of ending the relationship, the girl got drunk and started giving my boyfriend “looks”. At the time he told me, I felt uncomfortable. Then I see how she acts around him when drunk and it bothered me. I mentioned it to my boyfriend, and he got a little upset. He also came off kind of defensive and it made me feel so dumb and pathetic. I thought it would be best to voice my insecurities to him. He told me “ok, yeah. we aren’t going to hangout with her again”. Which i guess is a solution to the problem. But, now I feel like a jerk. And now I feel like I never want to mention an insecurity to him again.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • If there was no truth in what you said, he wouldn't have become defensive. You need to trust your instincts and not back down at the first sign of unpleasantness.

    He knows what you said is true, but there may be a part of him that enjoys it. However, when you need to tell another person to have better boundaries, there is a problem.

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    • He told me that he didn’t have any feelings for her, and he didn’t even care for her like that. He’s only friends with her because she’s his best friend’s girlfriend. When i told him “no, why wouldn’t we hangout with her again?” He said “because, why should we. I don’t even care for her that much”. But, he just got upset about me mentioning it and said that maybe she spent the most time with him because was the most outgoing and talkative, and maybe she looked over at us/him, because we are a cute couple. But, I just felt weird about it. I’m not so sure. I’m afraid now I ruined his friendship and my relationship.

    • ''I’m afraid now I ruined his friendship and my relationship. ''

      This is exactly why people remain silent when things aren't right, fear of loss. You should be able to voice an opinion or concern without worry of losing. Also his response ''“ok, yeah. we aren’t going to hangout with her again”.

      That is passive aggressive and dismissive. All that would need to be done is for him to set clear boundaries with her. Having said that, I believe few men and women can only be friends, there is often some kind of tension.

      Your problem is you keep on second guessing yourself and this destroys the power of discernment or intuition.

  • insecurity isn't attractive to either sex. That said, you did need to say something. Guys do not have well developed "no" buttons to female come-ons. All our efforts are to getting her to say yes-not to turning them down. But you've let him know it bothers you and that is enough. If he continues then drop his ass-he doesn't respect you. He knows you don't like it now and have noticed. That said if you notice her coming on to him again that's not necessarily his fault-unless he reciprocates in the flirtation

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Most Helpful Girls

  • I’d just let him know that it worries you, but don’t try to make him cut ties with either of them of course. I’m sure he’ll reassure you about it, and I doubt that anything will happen between them with his consent, seeing as he did tell you about the girl giving him “looks”. Just be honest!

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    • I didn’t try and make him cut ties. He said himself “we aren’t going to hangout with her again”. That really upset me. He did reassure me that he doesn’t like her, and she probably hung around him because he was the most talkative and loud one there.

      I just wanted to tell him that it worries me. But, he didn’t really take it well. So, now I feel like a jerk and want to fix it. But, I don’t know how to.

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    • He didn’t take it well, as in, he got defensive.

    • Then let him know that you’re not worried about him, but the girl flirting with him

  • My last relationship ended with this problem, because he didn't stop seeing her. Voice your problem. The result is peace or know you don't fit together

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    • He said we wouldn’t hangout with her anymore. But, that hurt me.

    • I know. It feels like a splinter in the heart. A little sting constantly.

    • Yeah :/ i am not sure that was the solution I wanted. I feel I just caused a problem.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 45

  • It depends on the person. You should mention your insecurity to him as a sign of trust but not force him to do things with it. He also needs to learn to mitigate this and you need to become more confident in his love of you.

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    • I just wanted to tell him because it was bothering me since the night it happened (Friday). I told him Sunday evening. Also, I didn’t ask him to do anything about it. I just thought it was important to express these things. I feel really badly now, because now I feel he lost a friendship because of me. Or, that I am controlling when I did not ask for anything of him.

    • That's understandable on his part. He wants you to feel happy, and is willing to sacrifice himself for it. Tell him that it's okay to hang out with them, just keep in mind that you don't want them flirting.

      This is likely an overreaction on your half. (Very common. Don't worry.) I wish you all the best.

  • Communication is key in relationships. Building up enough trust to feel safe expressing our emotions (no matter what they are) should be the goal in any relationship. Your boyfriend should have validated your feelings of insecurity by trying to understand why you feel that way and should not have been defensive. In this case he has failed because not only did you come away feeling like a 'jerk' but now you are less likely to open up and communicate your feelings to him in the future.

    In order to make an effort on opening up the communication lines again you need to have another conversation with your boyfriend. Make it clear that often times when you are talking to him you are not looking for his advice and he doesn't have to be Mr Fixit and offer up an immediate solution. Speaking as a man I didn't initially understand that sometimes girls just want to vent and are not looking for solutions to their issues. Let him know it is important for him to validate your emotions because it builds trust and that in the future he should do more active listening. Of course you are in the same boat so that if he comes to you and says something from left field such as "I saw a really sexy girl on the beach today and it turned me on" then you should not feel defensive but let him you know understand how that would turn him on.

    The more secure and trusting you feel in your relationship with him the less insecure you will feel about other girls and it will fix the initial problem on it's own. Of course on the surface he reacted defensively because in a sense by you talking about that other girl hitting on him he feels like you don't trust him to hold his ground and remind the other girl that he is taken. Again if you build more trust in him you will not care who is hitting on him because you know he will tell you when the girls are hitting on him and will not allow them to succeed in their efforts. Why would he want to when he loves you and knows you care about him and trust him anyways?

    So keep talking to him and when he screws up like he did just chalk that up to him being human and remember you will mess up also. Relationships are hard work and after a day or two to cool off get back on that horse and ride it (or ride him) again.

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  • It was his best friend's girlfriend. He very likely wouldn't have done anything. Most guys won't do that to their friends, even if they would do it to you.
    You can share your insurances, just not all of them. You have to think whether or not it is worth it, and it doesn't matter if you don't trust the girl; what matters is if you trust your boyfriend.

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    • I don’t know. He told me the girl gave him “looks” at a party. Like, she wanted him. And he went up to her and told her “yo, don’t look at me like that. I’m your boyfriend’s friend”. So, who knows how she feels.

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    • Yes. I suppose. That is what I am trying to do. I told my boyfriend, that I didn’t want it to strain his friendships (because the girl is his best friend’s GF), and that I would like to get to know her better. I told my boyfriend if we are all together, and I feel uncomfortable I will tell him. I may even kindly ask her to tone it down. I just felt her actions were inappropriate and that she isn’t really someone to trust :/

    • Lol if i were you i wouldn't hesitate one second to tell her to tone it down with my boyfriend, and let's be honest here, you don't wanna know her, you wanna keep your enemies closer. Which also something i would do 😂 but yeah don't hesitate to tell HER when she's being inappropriate, cause your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong. And now that he knows you're uncomfortable with her around, he won't hesitate either to tell her to keep her hands to herself.

  • The always has to be communication. But the also had to be trust. You weren't wrong for voicing your insecurities but you should also trust him that he won't do anything wrong. If the trust isn't there, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

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    • Then how do I fix it, because I sense he was really hurt by what I brought up.

    • Feel free to PM me if you want and we can have more of a discussion about it. But if I were you, this would be how I would try to fix it.

      First, apologize.
      Say that you are sorry that you potentially over reacted and that you let jealousy get the better of you l.

      Second, understand.
      Ask him about his relationship with her. Try to understand their past and how they met and the relationship that they have.

      Third, set expectations.
      Tell him what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable. Establish some sort of method of notification that let's him know if he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Like a certain number of taps of your drinks, or a distinct cough. And if you do it, he should know that he needs to stop doing what he's doing. Just be sparing in it's use and try to only do it when you feel very uncomfortable.

  • First off it's a good thing you expressed your feelings in a coherent manner
    The alternative would be for you to seeethe and that's just pure poison. it's also a good thing it was dealt with in a timely fashion by your so. The reason you feel like a jerk is because women will instinctively attempt a solution that keeps everyone expect themselves happy. The cohesion of the group is more important and to be seen to be doing the right thing is important to females. Also important is avoiding the feeling of being judged. Let me ask you something if the only way to keep others happy would be for your so to go with this girl would that then make you feel less guilty? And or more Happy. Males as a rule don't suffer from the same emotional impediments as women. What happened had to happen. His priorities are your happiness not hers. You should try to over come your instincts as regards trying to please others. You voiced a concern it was dealt with end of story
    The only loser is this other girl who tbh sounds like trouble

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  • Always, communication is key. Transparency that allows him yo understand why you feel uncomfortable, etc... And y'all can work it out together, just dont let anger get in the way.

    And plus, you might wanna tell that best friend of his to watch out about his girlfriend. I dont have a good feeling about her.

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  • Stop trying to control who he hangs out with. He has every right to be frustrated with you. It's clear you don't trust him, and you want to control who his friends are.

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    • I don’t want to control who his friends are? I even said to him when he said we won’t hangout with her anymore, that he SHOULD because she’s his FRIEND. But, when someone gives your boyfriend “looks” at a party and is his FRIEND, of course that isn’t very settling to hear!

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    • To fix this issue you need to make it clear that you aren't blaming him. He needs to know he can tell you the truth and it won't come back to bite him in the future. Had he never told you about that party, would you have reacted the same way?

      Talk to her (like an adult) if necessary as the problem is really with her.

    • Yes. I wasn’t trying to blame him. I was felt a certain vibe with her. Also, I had forgotten about the instance at the party, UNTIL i noticed at one point, she went up to him, and spent a lot of time talking with him throughout the night. Also, the way she stood so close to him too, and would position her body to face him (my boyfriend stood with his body faced straight ahead). Also, on the subway, i had noticed her gaze went to him a lot. And, she mainly spent more time around MY boyfriend, than she did around the other guy who was there. I feel, maybe it is just something she does when she is drunk. I don’t really know. Because, prior to her getting drunk, I didn’t really feel threatened at all.

      But, you’re right. I want to talk to my boyfriend about it again. I didn’t want him to stop seeing his friend (s). But, perhaps it all comes down to my trust in him. And yes, I will speak to her if the problem persists.

  • No women are allowed to express insecurities to their boyfriend. If he can't handle that, then he shouldn't be telling you about this girl giving him "looks".
    If you were a man man, you would just have to shut the fuck up until your girlfriend leaves you for the guy, because mentioning it will only expedite the process. But as a woman, you should be allowed to say these things.

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  • I would honestly say, if you feel you have an insecurity about something relating to your boyfriend or your relationship as a whole, it is best to talk about it with your SO. They always say that a great relationship is built on communication. And if you can't just explain yourself to him and let him see your point of view without him getting all sarcastic and nonunderstanding, I think that says a lot about him. Insecurities quite honestly should be open for discussion at any time

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  • It's not at all bad. What's bad is his response. He sounds like he's already cheated on you with her or is planning to.

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    • He tried to reason with me and say “maybe she gave me more attention because I was the most talkative one there, and I’m more out there than the other guys were”. Also, he said “i don’t like her. I don’t care about her that way. Why should we hangout with her? She’s only my friend because of her boyfriend”. I don’t think he cheated. But, I just felt insecure about the attention she gave him.

    • Let's put it this way, when my wife expressed such insecurity, I did not get angry with her. I only got annoyed when she would not FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Have you reached that point?

    • No. This is the first time I had mentioned it to him. I mean. He said “maybe we should just forget about it”. But, I felt there was more I had to add. So, we talked about it maybe for 15-30 mins max when i originally brought up my feelings. I think maybe he got hurt. Because he said “don’t think about me and anyone else, because I wouldn’t do that to you”. It isn’t that I don’t trust him. It’s just that, maybe the next day when he talked about her, he talked about her so highly and more than the others and made a comment about how much of a woman she looks like now, it made me feel a little weird. He said “I’m sorry. Sometimes I just say things wrong and I can see why that’d upset you. Also, I talked about her the most because I respect her the most and I thought you guys would get along more than you did) - we didn’t get along that well because i felt weird about her.

      I don't know how to fix this issue. I don’t want to ruin his friendship.

  • Please dont as a guy i made that mistake really keep your insecurities to yourself ! Even friends , you need to figure out what kind of people they are and most of the times your insecurity isn't noticable:)

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    • eh for girls its not as bad. Guys are viewed as weak if they show insecurity girls are viewed as weak anyway

  • U got that right.. You shouldn't have done this... We guys notice these things... Its OK to get insecure but dont go beyond the OK limit... In the end you know if ur gona loose something u already lost it and if its your it will always be yours

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    • Guys notice what things?

    • The reaction you gave him... About how you sense this situation that girl getting close

  • Insecurities are natural the point here is you and your partner should handle them together. Not telling him would rather be more dangerous then you current situation. And yeah dont stop you partner from doing what he wants as that too is bad for your relationship

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  • Tbh i'd be mad if u didn't...

    But you need to say it right, and like you trust him.

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    • If a guy doesn't feel that the girl trusts him, he'll always feel like he's being bashed no matter how you say it... and to be fair, when a girl is insecure and upset, the guy should be understanding.
      I'm not bashing you, just kinda speaking from experience and a little annoyed with how I was treated as well xD cuz the guy also said it was a matter of "how you bring it up"... but these things are never easy to bring up and talk about. As long as you aren't calling him names and yelling and throwing a tantrum, I don't see a problem. But I don't know man... some guys just really make a girl feel shitty even when she's already feeling insecure, THATS when she starts having trust issues

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    • That is really messed up on her part... and tbh I really hate girls like that. They have no respect, and no sense of boundaries and girls that like to put on moves on guys that are involved in a relationship are a waste of good meat.
      But at least he stopped her, inna really good way too, like not passively either. I'm sure that settled your feelings 💕 but I'm also sure that having her around is not fun at all. If you feel guilty that you feel like you pressured him into not hanging out with her, maybe express that with him... and tell him that you really appreciate him doing that for you, but you just wanted to express your insecurities with him because you want a relationship where you two can discuss these things together.

    • Tell him that you really appreciate him setting the boundary with her, and that you trust him, but it's just hard seeing an attractive girl all over him, because you really love him and you can't help but notice how she looks at him and makes you feel like you are sidelined. Tell him that you don't want to suffocate him or force him to do anything.
      If you feel that there's no way to calm your tinges of jealousy when he's around her, then maybe just appreciate that he isn't hanging out with her for your sake, cuz it will just make problems between you two. It's not your insecurities thats causing the problem, it's her predatory behaviour that's making you feel uneasy. If she was just another attractive girl hanging around him, in sure you wouldn't have felt as badly about it... trust your instincts and don't let her get to you and ruin your relationship with him

  • I think it's important to draw the line on how you feel about certain topics or people, but even more so you have to trust your s/o to not betray you. Making them cut people out that they like is more likely to make them lie about who they hang out with. Then again, if your s/o is really defensive then, perhaps there are actually doing something that they shouldn't.

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  • You should, yes. Your boyfriend will likely want to respect your concerns. Communication is key!

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    • I did bring it up to him. He got a little upset and defensive with me. I felt really hurt, and like I ruined everything.

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    • It was just a specific comment he had made about her that bothered me. He mentioned how much of a woman she looked like. How she just seemed so womanly this time he saw her. I felt uncomfortable about that. I mentioned it to him. He told me he didn’t mean it in anyway, just that she looked so much older.

      And, his effort was the “solution” that we wouldn’t hangout with her again.

      Maybe I should just tell him, that maybe it’s because I don’t know her very well - and just compared how she acted around him against how the other girl that was there did. Also, just that incident from when she gave him “looks”. I just want it to be a non-issue. I wish I had never mentioned anything.

    • You did the right thing mentioning it. The problem is that this isn't the sort of issue that has a nice and pleasant solution. Don't regret bringing this to his attention.

  • He told you stuff about what she did himself. You shouldnf say do not talk to her, you should say "if you think she is going to far again please stop it and if it happens often please tell me. telling ur boyfriend what entirely to do is a bad thing, but common things you notice u didn't like should be fine to tell him (and tell him its not that big of a deal but you just felt that way, so this way u make him notice ut without doing to much damage)

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  • You should say this stuff to him and if he over reacts like that i'd start second guessing

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  • Look u love ur boyfriend and he loves you. so relationship is basically based upon trust and care like if u feel insecure tell him clearly no drama if he loves u he will understand that. trust is the main thing..

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  • There's nothing wrong expressing yourself in a relationship. A relationship should consist of both parties willing to be open with each other. As for that one girl, I would be a little weary of her. Guys tend to like it when they get hit on, and so naturally we are going to defend it. I'm not saying that's what she was doing, but based off the quick skim that I did it's a high possibility she was.

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What Girls Said 18

  • Ok first of all, expressing your insecurities is literally the best thing you could ever do to grow as a couple. So kudos on that, you're doing a great job.

    Secondly, make him understand that you are insecure because maybe you don't know her yet and you don't know how to react when you see their friendship.

    Make him understand. Calmly.

    And honestly, if he makes you regret talking about how you feel?

    Get over your relationship. It's not going to be healthy.

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  • Absolutely you should talk about insecurities. Communication is so important in any relationship, especially a romantic one. If he does something that makes you feel dumb for talking about it, bring that up too. Help each other to understand where you both are coming from.

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  • I'd be insecure too and I'm pretty sure anyone would. What he said to you bothers me. Why would he get mad if he's not going to do anything with her or hasn't? Just sounds a little suspicious to me

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    • I don’t know. Maybe his is upset because he just saw her as a friend? I felt bad when he told me we wouldn’t hangout with her anymore. He tried to tell me that “maybe she just looked over at us because we’re a cute couple”. Or, “maybe she hung out around me because I’m the most talkative and much more fun than the other guys (they are more quiet)”. I feel like a jerk! But, I also felt uncomfortable I don't know

    • I just think he could've been more understanding about it

  • No thats good. If a girl is clearly into a guy who is taken, he should either make it very clear that she needs to stop doing what she is doing or stop hanging out with her

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  • There are always going to be consequences to the decisions that you make. You would either tell him, and you don't see her again even tho she's his friend or you don't and you would've kept being uncomfortable. You can't have it all.
    But when it comes to insecurities, it's never a good idea to hide them, cause once it gets too much, it can get pretty bad for the relationship.

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  • Somethings are best swept under the rug. Insecurities can’t be changed by other people. He’s not your therapist or journal. Boyfriends like to see their girlfriends happy. So if your unhappy he’ll be unhappy. So deal with them yourself.

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  • You did the right thing. If for him , his friend's girlfriend is more important then he is not the one for you. Shame on him for letting her get that close to him that makes you feel like that. He should break all contact with her. Its no need for him to be friends with her.

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  • Insecurities don't make people feel good, and it's important that your boyfriend knows what does and doesn't make you feel good. I think he should be friends with whoever he wants, but still keep in mind of your insecurities to respect you and reassure you.

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  • He got defensive because he KNOWS that she was being inappropriate. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you communicating your concerns to him.

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  • You shouldn't feel bad about it, and he definitely doesn't have a reason to be annoyed unless you brought it up inappropriately. He could also just be immature, hard to know since I dont know him. It sounds like she is trouble to me, and I probably wouldn't have said anything to him and in fact have tried to get closer to her. There is a lot of truth in keep in your friends close and your enemies closer. Getting closer to her would do a lot of things, 1. It would create a bond between the two of you girls to make her think twice of doing anything with your man. 2. You would get a better sense of what kind of person she is and if she is capable or wanting to do something with your man. 3. If she is up to know good, then you would know ways of counteracting that if you knew her better... also it wouldn't hurt to just be direct with her. Women often aren't used to be confronted on their behavior like that and her reaction will be telling since it will catch her off guard.

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  • Don't want to be mean but you should trust your boyfriend and let that girl make a fool out of herself If your boyfriend loves you he will show her her place and that's it
    You should be able to talk about what's bothering you with your partner

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  • If he is gettin upset off of what u said about you are uncomfortable believe he is hiding something... and no it is not bad to express your insecurities to your boyfriend.. I do that ...

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  • If you need to feel that you have to discuss something then do it dont hold back

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  • You're absolutely right to bring it up.

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  • no
    xx
    ~Mrs Manson

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  • No tbh

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  • yes.

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  • Girl he's cheating and you insecure

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