So basically I'm scared of dating...

i'm a 19 year old girl and I've only dated one guy. long story short he tried to rape me. for a little over a year I was so depressed, I felt worthless, I cut myself.. just a overall bad situation. but I have quit cutting for the most part, and I'm more or less gotten over the depression without talking to anyone about it. but since then I've been very stand-off-ish when it comes to guys flirting with me and whatnot. (it's basically a known fact around where I live that I don't date, so no one ever bothers to ask me)

so, this guy who works at the same place I do asked me out. I sorta' just asked him if he was serious and then when he said yes I found a reason to walk away. (I was on the clock so it wasn't difficult to just be like "oh, I got work to do" and quickly leave) this was sunday, the last day I worked. (basically I work in the same building as this guy, I don't actually work with him... if that makes sense)

i worked again this morning, he was there. he was acting all sad, he didn't say a word to me when I got there like he normally does. he's always really cheery and hyper and you can hear his laugh back were I work, but today he just did his work all quiet and didn't even look up at me... apparently everyone was all; "he's being too quiet, what's up with him?" so it wasn't just me.

I mean, I don't dislike him, actually I rather enjoy his company. but I'm just scared to death of dating ANYONE, it's not just him.

he is also a little bit older than me, he's 27.

i just don't know what I should do, if I should do anything.

i hate feeling weak in any way, and the way men treat females (most of the time) like they have to be baby-ed constantly bugs me, plus I don't really want to have what happened to me happen again...

i don't talk to ANYONE about any of this, hence the whole 'hate seeming weak' thing... so I figured why not ask for advice on here... no one on here knows me.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm a pretty blunt person, so I think if that was me I'd go talk to him and let him know it wasn't personal. Tell him I'm not trying to get him to fix it, but I had a bad experience with an ex and it's colouring my perception of all the new men I meet, and I realize it wouldn't be fair to project that onto him.

    Having said all that, not everyone is as blunt as me. I think to be able to have a relationship with someone, you have to be open to being at least a little vulnerable (I have problems with this too so I know it's easier said than done) so in that sense, it might be better for you to maybe try explaining your situation to this guy at work (or at least just tell him you're not looking to date anyone, even if you don't give any hint as to why) and then go away and try to get yourself sorted. This could take ages but in the end you'd feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of dating and might well do better in the long run.

    The other option is that this guy might be able to break your perceptions of how guys are. You don't have to attach everything to him - but he could prove to you that good guys do exist, so even if it didn't work out between you two, you could feel more confident to date other guys.

    It's really up to you. It's easy for anyone else to say to go for it and you have nothing to lose etc, but I get that other stuff sometimes makes it weird. Perhaps try to remember that all you're doing is going to see a movie or whatever, and that someone else is going with you? Try to bring your thoughts back to the moment - if you find your mind wandering, focus on something immediately in front of you, even if it's totally unimportant. This sounds weird, but touch the arm of the chair in the movie theatre or something, and describe how it looks and feels to yourself in your head. That sort of thing actually really helps when you get used to describing stuff to yourself in detail. Hope that helps, and if you want anyone to talk to feel free to message me =] x


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Talk to him initially if you have a similar interest in him. Have a conversation, and see how you hit it off. In this process you'll learn his demeanor, and such. And if he is one you're willing to somewhat open up to, and give a chance.

    Aside for the age difference, and your past history. Is there anything else that concerns you?

    And he could've just been having a bad day. That's what could've affected his normally peppy mood. Not necessarily you subliminally declining his advancement.

    • his age doesn't concern me all that much, it's mainly I'm just freaked out that all guys who flirt with me are just trying to get into my pants. and I'm not that kind of person.

      and I hope that I didn't upset him at all by running off like I did. it was just my instinct, I didn't really mean to be cold by it.

    • What people fail to get is we(me and woman) want to get into someones pants. The duration of that is left solely to the individual(s). His initial intent may not be necessarily be to see if the carpet matches the drapes. But, to get to know you, and talk to you. And thus see how well the two of you may mesh. Whenever in doubt, communicate your concern(s).

What Girls Said 4

  • i was raped at 14 by a 16 year old and I still am depressed about it that will take a long time to deal with. I went through and talked to my closest friends about it which really helped some tried to get me to talk to someone about it which I never did. I cut my hips and ribs from the depression. I decided to talk to my elementary school friend about it which led to us dating and when I tried to talk to him about it he went all protective over me and beat the guy up which solved nothing. when me and him broke up he talked to me about it and accused me of lying because I blocked it from my memory and couldn't remember every little detail. which hurt horribly because I faced my fears and trusted a guy again to just be hurt it will always scare you but you really need to face your fears I am the same as you. I am strongly against looking weak I didn't tell anyone I was ever raped except for my ex and my current boyfriend but by facing my fears. I actually tried to turn to girls for a while but discovered no girls like tiny girls so I actually became bisexual through the experience. I have been fighting the depression but it is easier with someone to help you and protect you.

    i know a girl who was raped and then became a slut because she was so insecure about herself she still sleeps around and has had every std that I know of. she is extremely insecure and seeks refuge in sleeping around which I don't see as a good escape

    my friend took it the other way after she was raped she turned against guys she kept trying to date guys but was too afraid so she turned to girls and now she is proposing to her girlfriend next month with the ring already picked out and all. so you could take it either way I hope that this helped in some way you may be best off talking to someone about it and facing your fears

  • The only thing that is kind of suspect to me is the fact that he is 27... I mean he is so old. BUT still at least go out on a date with him

  • don't let one bad experience ruin dating for you. bad guys are few and in between

  • I see why your scared of dating your last boyfriend tried to attack you so yeaa..but this guy you wrk with he seem nice and cool and you can do one date with him and see how it goes and if all is well then try it again if not you know where it stands and let him know if your not ready to date just be like me and my ex didn't wrk out so well personal reason and I'm really not ready to be out there yet..they say age is just a # but it all depends on the person and if there into older men or whateva..but if this guy is a sweet heart just give it 1 try just to see. or explain to him why your scared of dating and you don't have to tell him everything just tell him what you feel. ps. I scared of dating too so your not the only one out there...good luck