Relationship advice?

I've recently started seeing someone who is freshly divorced after 8 years of marriage and 13 years being together with his no ex wife. He is a gentleman, carring and has a stable home and work life. Him and his ex share their daughter 50/50 and compared well. He has told me different things from their past together that he knows is wrong that he has said to her. She did cheat twice in the relationship and it was durring a time that their daughter was very ill. He explained that they both became very detached on their personal relationship and he became very bitterafter the second time she had the affair. Some of the things he explained that he made for comments toward her seemed to be a bit abusive and he did explain that he knows he shouldn't have said what he did and regrets it. He then explained he was feeling very defeated and emotionally detached that at the point they were at right before the divorce there was no coming back.
First of all, I'm not a easily fooled when it comes to abusers and the way the manipulate. That being said what are you opinions of that braid discription. Could he be an abusive person in relationships or is it something that might have just happened over that period of their marraige? He said something how he isn't that person and doesn't know how it got that bad but they were both miserable toward each Other and it got to the point there was no communication just fighting.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Be careful. First of all you said he is freshly divorced. My experience of listening to friends who are coming out of divorces tells me they need time (sometimes years) to go through all the healing stages and often times their next few relationships don't last. Not quite rebound relationships, just sometimes want something less intense and more to have fun. Also as you mentioned he does have the abuse and dealt with cheating in his past.

    If you take it slow and be sure to keep communication open and honest it should be OK. It will likely take a while for him to trust you and you him so don't worry if that doesn't come quickly. Also we all have baggage so as pain points come up have patience because often times in relationships arguments flare up because you touched an open wound in someone and they need time to heal that part of their past. Have purpose in the relationship and check in often once you are on more solid footing to be sure you are both on the same page and committed to making it work for the long run. If for some reason after some time you discover it will not work or he has changed because he went through his healing phase be prepared to split ways and prepared for your heart to hurt, that's the risk we take.

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    • Thank you, I worry about it being fresh from divorce as well. So far we are on great communication with expressing what is difficult and he is very open with his intentions indating and what he wants out of it. I can only think that after being married for so long and having cheating been a part of it with his ex that maybe he does want the long term relationship and not to "date" multiple people. However I can see that after a long rationship that it might take some time to be fully ready for another.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I don’t think hearing a second hand recounting of the situation is enough to determine whether or not it’s abuse. People often say things in the heat of the moment when times are tough and emotions are high - obviously their marriage had issues with their child being sick, them falling further apart leading to nasty things being said and infidelity. But he’s been honest about the fact he wasn’t perfect in the previous relationship and even with him coming clean about that it doesn’t really send up red flags

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    • Thank you for the great point of view. I feel as though he wouldn't take up for his mistakes and blame it completely on his ex wife if he was an abuser. Then again that could be his way of making himself look good.

    • Often people (especially men) who are prone to abuse are quick to blame others for their behaviour, and her having several affairs while their daughter was sick is the perfect opportunity to do that. But at the same time he’s also taken a bit of responsibility in saying he knows he shouldn’t have, and that there is regret over how he’s behaved.
      Unless there are other situations that make you feel a little threatened by him I’d be open to seeing where it goes - personally I’d be more wary of the freshly divorced status and jumping straight into another serious relationship 😊 but again that’s just a judgement call as you get to know someone

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Hi Noel, haven't seen you around for a little while... I see you've been busy! If I were you I would tread lightly and see where it goes. Time will reveal any character flaws that may concern you. In the meantime just have fun with it!

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    • Yes it's been busy I recently started a new career and well of course dating as well. I think he has great qualities I just wonder if the other things he's explained are going to follow him. Time will tell.

  • He still a human. Experiance teach him a lot.

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What Girls Said 1

  • He could be a abusive

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