Could you continue to trust someone that hid something huge from you?

Been seeing a guy 6 months tomorrow. We aren’t in a relationship, but now he’s ignoring me after I confronted him about picking up smoking again.

We both quit July 31 and it’s hard. I get it. We were there for each other at any hour if we felt like we were going to lapse or were having a craving. We talked the other through it.

Thursday, I congratulated him on making it a month, and his response was not to remind him of timelines because he’s taking it one day at a time. I apologized. Last night, I was going through pics we’ve sent each other and came across one of an accident he sent me on Wednesday on his way him. I didn’t notice it when he sent it to me but noticed last night he had a cigarette in his hand.

I asked him last night if he’s smoking again and reminded him I meant it when I said I was there for him and still proud of him for trying, that I’ll still have his back when he decides to try again. He’s refused to answer me texts or calls since I confronted him.

I’m not even mad that he’s smoking again, but I’m pissed that he hid it from me. It’s something huge and I was so proud of him, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t trust me anymore to come to me about things like that. About how he was craving, how he lapsed.

It makes me wonder what else he’s hiding from me.

It’s been over 12 hours and still no response from him. Which is just fueling the thoughts about what else he’s hiding from me. I’m pissed now that he’s avoiding that talk.

Could you trust someone after they hid something so big?
Updates:
I just took all his stuff from my house back to his and left it on the porch. I also left a card explaining why. I don’t tolerate silent treatment bullshit. He wants space, fine, but say that. Don’t just ignore me because you got caught.

The card went on to say I wish him the best in life if he chooses to walk away from the friendship, otherwise I’ll still be there for him 100% unconditionally and without judgement should he chose to reach out. That I know he’s strong and I’m still behind him.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • he's probably ashamed. I mean... Something like this. It's a tough call. It's not a terrible lie. But I is a lie. Then again if he didn't see you as close enough he might have felt he didn't owe it to you to tell you. But then again if he'd lie about this. That's a tough one. Is he trustworthy otherwise? What if he was just holding It? Do you smell cigs on him during the day. I quit smoking about 2 years ago. It ain't easy. Especially of shtf.

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    • It was lit and half smoked

  • I know a lady who was engaged to a guy for about a year. When she asked when they were finally going to get married, he at that point said he needed to finally divorce his wife first. Geeschhh, he waits THAT long to tell her he never got divorced? I don't think she trusted him with anything after that.

    I know another lady who got married I think around the age of 40. About 5 years into their marriage she finds out her husband actually had a son. That's a bit much to overlook telling your wife... Needless to say she's getting divorced but not just over that.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I couldn't. White lies can be over anything and eventually lead to big lies.
    Also, why is he not answering you? Suspicious.

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    • Honestly, I think embarrassment. He’s gone for the weekend and having fun with some friends back home. He never fails to text me when he goes away so now that he knows he’s caught, he doesn’t want to address it so he’s ignoring me. I’m not even mad that he started again. Maybe he didn’t and it was a one time lapse. I know he lost $20,000 last week and that was tough on him. Still, I’m pissed that he hid it from me and won’t address it. I just want to be there for him and let him know I’m still proud of him for trying and still behind him when he wants to try again. And let him know this secret shit doesn’t fly with me. If we can talk to each other about taking massive dumps we can talk about this.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 12

  • Hiding and lying are not so far apart, maybe he was just ashamed he lapsed, either way, I would try and get him to open up about it, if he doesn't though and keeps being reactionary, the. I urge caution with the future as he may be hiding something.

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  • I don't think it's that he doesn't trust you at all. He was in situation that caused him to relapse and now he feels horrible about it. He has be carrying a ton of guilt about it, and about letting you down. He is freezing you out because he either fears a confrontation with you, or he just doesn't want to talk about it period.

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  • He was hiding the fact that he was smoking because he was ashamed embarrassed to admit you, since you have confronted to him about it, he should be listening to you, smoking is hard quite too, so you should help him. I think you should give him chance and continue to trust him

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  • That's unavoidably fucked. But don't let that make your mind wander onto other things. You'll just end up blowing your top and make the situation worse.

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  • If it was something that is particularly humiliating or something that could easily be misunderstood or misconstrued, I would find it easy to forgive them.

    Maybe you don't know what it is to have a deep, dark secret, something so shameful and so humiliating, something that has been used against you your whole life, something that you're TERRIFIED people will find out, but it's very normal and very natural to try and hide things like that.

    People who have to live in constant fear and terror deserve sympathy and understanding far more than harsh judgment.

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  • Small lies usually mean there are much bigger lies being hidden somewhere and once trust has been broken it is almost impossible to get it back.

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  • I personally don't see smoking a big thing. Now the fact that he is ignoring you is a different matter. When I am in a relationship I am honest about everything. And that's gotten me single a few times. I am addicted to shoes. I don't wear mens because they don't fit right. I have and wear every style. My last X I was trying to stop wearing heels and flats. One day I told her that I had an urge to wear my heels. She told me to move out the next day. I wish I had a woman that loved me unconditionally and would understand that giving some thing up that you have done for years but liked ever since you can remember is super hard. If she had been as understanding as you and still had my back when I was feeling that way we still may be together. Would you feel the same way if he had my problem?

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  • It matters what the reason is. If to save judgement it is ok. But to just cheat then that is different

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  • You might need professional help.

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  • I trust nobody

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  • No never

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  • I hid my huge p—— from my wife before marriage. Should we depart?

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What Girls Said 4

  • I would not; those are bad indicators. He's probably disappointed with himself for relapsing, and you just remind him of that, so he's avoiding you. I guess you could still be friends, by I wouldn't really want a relationship with a guy who refused to admit his own mistakes and thinks it's ok to just stop communicating. Once one person stops communicating, the relationship fails.

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  • If it is just cigarettes I would not be that concerned, if it was weed i would be so furious. But I mean that could make me think if he was also able to hide something bigger. But look especially at how he is dealing with it now you found out as well. Has he lied about other things? How is he normally with you?

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  • If you think that the secret torn you from inside then you might question the trust

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  • Should never try change someone. It's never going to work if you try pressure him, I got my boyfriend to stop but with rather sick practice

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    • It was his decision to quit. I followed. Not even mad he lapsed. Pissed that he hid it and now is giving silent treatment since he knows he’s caught

    • Oh that sucks, take to him with a strapon :)

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