Why do people refuse to flirt, approach, or make interest known, and then act surprised they're single?

I will literally see this on G@G all the time. People will say how they don't approach people, don't ask people out, don't flirt, or ANYTHING... and then ask why they are overlooked or single.


... What? I don't understand. If you don't make your presence and interest known to someone, how, precisely, are they to know you are interested?

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Most Helpful Guys

  • It's because doing those things is hard for a lot of people, and while some find a way to power through, others prefer to give up, and many of those then want to blame others for their own failures.

    As a guy of below-average physical attractiveness, believe me that I know it's hard to put yourself out there - but you can't succeed without risk.

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    • I dunno, it seems to me that the potential Prize- a girlfriend or boyfriend, should be enough motivation

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    • You have a "social value" but it can be "modified" by making efforts to look better, by learning to flirt better, by overcoming shyness, by learning not to care about what bad people say and by increasing your self confidence. It isn't easy and it takes some time but it can be done.

    • @Logorithim for some reason my friends always tell me oh you think everyone likes you when they look at you when in fact i've never hinted at me thinking such things it annoys the crap out of me and they only say it when they want to put me down.
      Such as my fuckboy friend saying: i'm not a fuckboy i'm only busy with 1 girl right now and you're just jealous because you can't do that and you think everyone likes you when they look at you.
      it's fucking annoying.

  • @ChronicThinker because girls reject guys right from the beginning. A girl who shows interest shows it indirectly and never directly states that they like us. Even i tried the "do you like me or no question" and the response is always a classic riddle. Guys and girls who go on tinder and hookup are more likely of success because its become a casual sex generaton instead of a relationship generation. The worst part is that guys who lie are succesfully having sex with girls and honest single guys intending to build a relationship are overlooked. Flirting and the girl accuses guys of sexual harassment either before or after.

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    • I always did. I'm very forward and happen to be female. But, I see your point on the generational thing. It has made things more difficult.

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    • oh i see, this is hard to come by unfortunately, directness is so refreshing.
      I am living in an apartment with a 40yr old wise man who guided me about her interest, unfortunately he broke his hand and when he returns and i tell him what this girl did, i dont know if he's going to be surprised or shocked.

    • It's a fair assessment though, many women aren't forward.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Maybe a lot of people just don't see the sense. I relate to what the following message says.

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    • I ended up with the kids !! But that was my choice , and yes I intend to remain single permanently

  • I don't know, I mean I'm not outwardly expressing why I'm single and stuff 😂😂 but I don't really flirt or make my interest known (mainly because I don't find enough serious guys in my life that are willing to take on a serious and long lasting relationship. So I don't outwardly express interest) but when a guy expresses interest, I do take their offer seriously and determine if it could potentially work out.
    But yeah, I mean as long as you aren't a piece of log that doesn't know how to communicate or even have a decent convo, I don't see why people wouldn't be expressing interest regardless of flirting/approaching people.
    Personally I don't like approaching anyone unless they are in my social circle, I'm quite shy and cautious around guys... so for me, I do wonder why other girls that act aloof get more requests, but I'm not gonna complain too much about it. Often times, these things just need a spark and I just haven't found that yet to be persuaded to flirt or even express interest.

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What Guys Said 126

  • That's a good question.

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    • When I was in my 20s, someone who didn't try to approach girls would get ridiculed (not by me- by other guys), so there was massive peer pressure and no pity.

  • Have you seen men do this? I don't men are surprised they're single if they're not talking to anyone or flirting. Maybe it's fear? It's dangerous for men to flirt now because if you talk to the wrong women you could lose your career and be destroyed.

    This tactic of being anti-social and hating to mingle then whining when you're single at 30 is more a female phenomenon

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  • Some people are afraid or rejection, being viewed as a creep, or are just afraid to put themselves out there in general while some feel like the people will come to them and they don't have to do anything and when they don't, they're surprised they're single.

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  • Most people around the world are surrounded by their own Insecurities which maybe anything from job, Appearance, confidence issues, personality issues, ambitions, unable to express themselves or anything else from their bad experiences. Everything fades with time.

    Now most smart people around don't wanna end up being in a relationship just cause the girl/guy they find themselves attracted to is smart and good looking and they unconsciously assume they are out of their league, although one part of them wants them to initiate/hit a conversation but it's the mental conflict that makes them loose guts and confidence.
    In a normal world scenario from old times it's a man's job to impress a female. And even though a girl knows there is a mutual attraction between them she won't break the barrier and bring out the shyness of the boy.

    There comes a point in time people do fell in love at first sight (sounds like a fairy tail) which does happen with every one and that's when they break that barriers that's stopping them. Rest is fate.

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  • Probably because when they flirt, they are assumed to be only interested in sex and so it makes it difficult to show their interest in someone without giving the other person the wrong idea -_-

    I flirt but playfully, not seriously.

    Additionally, they may be shy or afraid of what people may say if they are flirting with others, they might me self-conscious, low esteem etc.

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  • You're absolutely right.

    The problem is twofold:

    1) The values of personal responsibility and self-responsibility have been depreciated in the today's public school curricula in favor of a politically correct victimhood culture. This victimhood culture teaches children to assign blame for their individual difficulties on external forces, "-isms", or collective groups ("it's women's fault" or "it's men's fault").

    2) Since the 1980s, boys and men growing up in society have been given mixed messages about how to socialize in society, particularly with women. We're taught to be respectful and not to objectify or show too much interest because that makes them feel uncomfortable or even harassed. But this polite and deferential attitude must be unlearned once men start approaching and flirting with women in order for men to develop the masculine backbone of charisma and social confidence women look for in men.

    A lot of young men today take social rejection by a strange woman they've attempted to flirt with in the past very personally, making it less likely he'll take the social risk later.

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  • the right question would be why some people refuse to flirt.. etc. the answer is simply their ego. and lack of self confidence. It happens to every person once in a while , when you see a perfect SO candidate but you think. that he/she is too good for you then the negative feeling start to run through your mind. "he/she is too perfect , independent , equally attractive sexually and personally , and so and so" the people you're talking about do this at every person they meet or see in their life whether good or bad. They don't want to lose any thing, They're just waiting for someone to approach them and invest effort and time in them. well , this rarely happens maybe once/twice in a person's life especially for males. Females could be luckier in these situations. Anyway , the people who face this problem don't even realise that the problem is in what they're not doing and that's why they continue to talk about it looking for a magical solution but they won't find it because the solution is in themselves.

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  • i think a lot of men aren't approaching any more because of the risk involved.. this is also because we are expected to do all the work when it comes to chasing girls. Additionally the fear of rejection or worse being accused of rape or sexual harassment has made approaching women beyond dangerous.

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  • Well you can thank your precious feminism for making us guys scared to approach, y'all talk about how we're all creepy and fuckboys and yada yada yada so dont be suprised when we don't approach with y'all man hating attitude, we're giving you what you want.

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  • Because some women think it's their right to be approached.
    Those women need to wake up, if you want a boyfriend you need to put in as much as he does.

    For men it's more of a rebellion against a social norm and the fact we have literally no confidence.
    I would approach a woman but I have never seen an appropriate time to do so to a woman I would like.

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  • i really don't care what people think of me if i want to flirt with a girl i'll do it, the problem is that i'm currently in a situation a girl put me in some awkward stuff but i'll ask her out.
    i'd rather not waste my time typing it all out again.
    also nowadays feminism is pushing this narrative that flirting is sexual harassment etc, etc this definitely has something to do with it although i'm not sure by how much.

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  • The reason for being forever single probably lies in me. I'm not that attractive (let's say I'm average, even though that's subjective), I'm skinny (meaning not muscular enough) and even though I manage conversations well with girls, even with strangers, I don't notice any interest in them beyond the small talk. So I just avoid seeming desperate or if I do try to initiate a chat with them (including online chatting) and I don't get positive vibes (showing that the girl is interested), I just give up on the idea. In the process I just get to know the person better. This, however, gets me nowhere since I am still forever alone and I'm not even a teenager anymore. I have lots of worries on my head to deal with anyway (working full time, living independently, about to go to university, last I was dealing with an alcoholic landlady who assaulted me when I was leaving her apartment just because I didn't buy into her BS story that the washing machine broke 2 hours after I said I was leaving on the next day, etc. - I am basically growing up on the fast lane and this is draining me emotionally at times), which by itself doesn't help resolving this issue at all.

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  • Ask women , they will tell you
    Cuz guys will no matter what try to..

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  • The dream is to talk without displaying any intention whatsoever, but this hot girl for whatever reason is oddly turned on by you and sets things up to take you home for sex. Where the next day you're still confused what happened.

    jk

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  • They have a lack of self-esteem and a fear of rejection. Lack of self-esteem is a tough one to overcome but fear of rejection can be beaten with a simple change of attitude. Then there is just general laziness as too many people don't want to put in the work.

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  • Many let their fear of something rule their life.
    Some doesn't do of principle.
    Those two tends to be those you are preferring to, it's some kind of frustration behavior sometimes mixed with disappointment and manipulation move to get their way.

    Than you have those that needs the other one to approach and make thing's happen to get attracted and feelings, otherwise do the other one end up in friendzone or next one.

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  • Horror stories of it from others i reckon.

    Also, "all the good ones are taken" is not just a phrase in passing lol. It happens way more than coincidence that the pretty boy/girl you have your eye on for a while has a partner already, so a lot of people don't bother.

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  • Actually... I don't know. I'm single for this exact reason. I don't like to approach people. Anyone. I don't want to go and talk to a girl I don't know, because I might choose the wrong one. I gotta be 100% confident. Then I might try. I have accepted the fact that this is the reason why I'm single.

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  • Some people are shy, afraid of rejection - All this drama is a smokescreen - Many will procrastinate, navel gaze eventually bite the bullet approach someone and never look back - All part of growing up

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  • I do approach women, wether in real life or online, but after the third time it was me who had to start a conversation, I back down again. If at that point, she doesn't show any interest to talk to me, there is no point to keep pushing further.

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  • well arguably i have seen people who are shy or have no guts instinct, courage to approach or flirt with a girl and this is usually due to being scared of accepting rejection also some think of themselves as not good enough for the person they are attracted to.

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  • Must be nice to be approached, knowing the difference of being the asker you have no idea of how much more difficult it is.

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    • I've approached men many times, and I've been rejected. I lived. Relax.

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    • I'm sorry, by the way, that someone hurt you.

  • This is a two way street. I see girls doing this a lot more than I see guys doing it. But I suppose its because they're either too shy or because they're waiting for the storybook meeting. Something perfect, and not just something better than average.

    Speaking for guys though, I can say that in recent years its been crazy to try and show any interest to a lot of women. If you even give a compliment to a select few you'll be slapped, yelled at and called a sexist pig before you even realize what happened.

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    • The modern women is disgusted by men, call us every insult and derogatory word in the book then cries herself to sleep with a bottle of wine in one hand and a cat in the other claiming men are pigs and dogs for not wanting her ass.

  • I mix of anxiety, insecurity, and the need for intimacy (which intimacy is required for most people like parents hugging their child). Lots of introverts, naive, and/or neurotic people are afraid to approach because the embarrassment of rejection is too much so a guy feels like women shouldn’t approach them.

    Sadly, I wish I had more luck in the dating world, but at least I started actively approaching girls two months ago. To be honest, it is still scary because even if you should take rejection personally, it really does hurt your self-esteem.

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  • Well obviously you're just supposed to know, just like Trump is supposed to be out Lord and Savior, right?

    It honestly is difficult, especially with social media masking so much of our true thoughts. We often run from ourselves when we are confronted and confused by what we say, feel, or do.

    Some people prefer to just play the game, others don't understand it, others, like myself, just aren't cut out for the initial contact.

    Well, that's just my crazy thoughts on the matter!

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  • Lol, welcome to life? Think about how many people do nothing to work on their career and then complain the system is rigged against them for some other reason just as another for instance.

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  • Well, I'd rather someone show their interest in me first so I'm not wasting my time and coming off as a creep.

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  • Because women like to play mind games. Guys dont understand how a woman truelly feels. It hurts to be rejected. I know in my life its not easy to ask a woman if she likes me or wants me in her life. I've been rejected all my life. Been bullied most of it. I find it hard to speak to women. Yet Im hopelessly romantic waiting for Mrs Right.

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  • From my experience of seeing people just like you describe try to interact, it comes to one of two things.
    First, they role-play in their head the entire interaction. They see it go bad based on past experiences. So, they justify to themselves why they should not approach.
    Second, they think that one thing is a magic pill, and will attract the person of desire. Clothes, cologne, hair style, fitness, car, etc. is used as a magic pill. When it doesn't work they justify that nothing works, gives up, and becomes the victim of some made up circumstance. I've seen it go so far as they become angry at the other person.

    I seriously don't get the mentality behind this thought process.

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  • I see it in my life; for example I saw this girl walking with her 🐕 and my first thought was she thinks I'm a creep, because she never approached me this afternoon, and I do what normally do and do nothing. Just let him/her go her way and you will see why because they are unaware that they are not the least.

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What Girls Said 37

  • No clue

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  • I think it’s a majority of girls who do this. It’s because there is a large pressure on guys to do all the work in the relationship or at least start it off. I asked my boyfriend out and he puts in as much effort as me !

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  • They like to leave everything on destiny and god.
    I am going through a similar situation, I asked my aunty ten times to inform my crush about my feelings.
    My crush is my long distant cousin and my aunty's brother-in-law and her neighbour.

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    • They can also fear being called characterless and it is difficult in a conservative society.

  • I'm not sure either, It sure is the question of the century :P
    I think people are more shy now or something, like they think if they don't do anything then someone will come to them? That's not how it works, but good luck with that to whoever does that lol

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  • I tried all that and failed. Then I just got kind of bored for looking for someone and enjoy being single now.
    Though if a person doesn't put in effort then they should know that that's the reason why they're single , or at least one of the reasons.

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    • lol when a girl throws brick walls (shit tests) at him and he's mentally drained by it, he hasn't got any more left in the tank for effort :S and what we find is a mentally broken girl on the other end who wasn't worth it anyway. The search continues...

  • Personnaly I have tried and got rejected hard. Three times. So now I think I’m ugly and tend to be shy when there is a guy I like. When a guy tell me I’m pretty I immediately think they are mocking me. Self confidence is key.

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    • Whoever rejected you is a fool. You are pretty.

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    • you tried three times and got rejected? thats not a lot really

    • Omg 3 times that's brutal! You poor thing.

      I get about 10-15 rejections for every number I get off a girl. And most of those just hand out their number to get rid of me. But you know what, I learn things from approaching so that I can improve, refusing to feel down from a rejection and instead looking at the bigger picture. Don't look at the outcome, look at the process of learning from every interaction.

  • I've never approached anyone and I probably wouldn't. I do flirt tho cause how else are they gonna know if I like them back. I think those people are either shy/too scared or they just want attention since u said u saw it on IG. That's where all the 'I wanna feel special' attention seekers are.

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    • Aren't you shy/scared since you won't approach a guy? Also when you say flirt do you mean obviously flirt or that really small stuff most guys can't pick up on?

    • I guess I'm scared too cause I don't want to be rejected but guys are use to it.

      I think my flirting is obvious. I glace at him and pretend to be caught staring and if he's staring back I smile and boom. I also look back to let a guy know 'yeah I see u too'.

    • It doesn't matter how many times you do it, you never really get use to rejection.

  • they have a "blind spot".. they like attention about being single, but are so focused on themselves, they dont realize you have to put bait on a hook if you want the fish to bite.

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  • They haven’t found the right person they can connect with yet. I’m not surprised that I’m single but before I was. I came to the realization that just because I am receiving attention doesn’t mean I have to accept it just to say “I’m in a relationship”. I rather take my time and wait than to rush into something I’ll probably leave behind a day later.

    I’ll flirt but doesn’t mean that will land someone into a relationship with me. I’m just not interested, that’s all.

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  • part of it has to do with pride and not being willing to admit their feelings another part is fearing being rejected which most people have

    overall, it has to do with a person’s confidence though, if someone doesn’t feel good about themselves it shows

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  • I don't know people are just backwards. I use to always tell the person i was into that i liked them but things nv rlly turned out good. So i don't even wanna try anymore.. at least not now. If someone likes me then they cn tell me tht

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  • Some people just assume they’res no work involved in meeting people or starting a relationship. Or they’re oblivious to the fact how closed off they come

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  • They are just scared of commitment or making the first move. They’re usually the ones who expect someone to come first to them just to avoid rejection I guess

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  • Lmao, thats so me right now, am toi scared and shy to approach my crush yet am always complaining am single😂

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  • People should just throw themselves at them. Why make an effort, ever?

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  • For them, it's too difficult and harrowing to initiate contact of any kind. Being eye candy just doesn't cut it unless you got your shit together.

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  • I was sexually repulsive for way too long so I just don't bother. Also I don't meet men in appropriate conditions.

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  • You make a good point, I assume you mean in real life?

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  • Yeah, I think it's because they assume they either won't have any success, or they're just too shy.

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  • Because some people are just like that. They rather blame society than do something

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  • Cause we live in a generation of peopel. addicted to phone afraid of real social relationships

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  • Because mofos are scurry. And because rejection is a hard to pill to swallow for a lot of people.

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  • You are sooooo right!! I think this is how people are nowadays though.
    I literally just posted a question about this. A few weeks ago I met a guy at a cafe and he was staring at me the entire time i was there. When I left I smiled at him and said hi we spoke a bit.. and now he doesn't even message me. I'm just wondering why did he just spend 2 hours staring at me, and he has my contact info but he isn't even messaging me?

    This happens to me all the time. Guys just stare at me but they never pursue me. I get that maybe sometimes they're staring and they don't know, or they're staring but they have girlfriends.. but I'm sure there are times where they are actually single. I think this guy that I met is single from his instagram.

    It's just so annoying and confusing.

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    • Lol maybe you had bad breath

    • @chris_987 I thought you were 12 so I wasn't going to respond, then I saw that you are 31. It's a pretty weird response for a 31 year old. Grow up.

    • I’m not your average 31 year old thank god for that, you might be your average what ever age you are lol

  • Because its not easy and tgeyre scared of rejection

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  • The stupidity these days worries mee

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  • I make it known I am not looking.

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  • Because they are goofy

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  • this is y i only hit on people who r psychic

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  • In my case because nerves trump boldness

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  • im not surprised tho

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