What are you looking for in your partner? Do you match up to that ideal?

Do you work on yourself to try to match that ideal? If not, do you lower your standards? If not, what option do you have besides being mad at the world that you can’t reach your ideal?

What if your ideal is beyond your ability no matter how hard you work at it? Do you lower your standards or do you just stay alone forever?

I’m not asking these for me. I’m asking what process the rest of you go through?


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  • I never looked for anything in advance -- very pragmatic, I guess. I like what I see and go for it, and if the dates go well, then I might try something more serious, and if that works out, we might try living together, and so on. My only standard is that I really fall for the girl and that she does to me, and that we get along far more often than not, and enjoy each other's company more often than not -- simple, but took a while to find one who could consistently do that.

    As for trying to match some ideal, I didn't really have an ideal of a kind that had any defined shape. I couldn't describe a dream woman in advance -- she wouldn't be so interesting since she wouldn't be real. So I preferred the real thing in front of me and preferred to decide after I got to know it a little, imperfections and all. Usually I feel like I'm really into a girl if I even like her imperfections and character flaws and wouldn't change a thing about her.

    As for me, I tried to keep my shit together, stay in shape, dress well, that sort of thing. But I never thought it in terms of standards. I just wanted to be as appealing as possible to maximize my chances of finding one who would appeal to me as much as possible who'd agree to go on a date with me.

    • I guess my standards are kind of low in that respect? Since I'd try dating just about any girl I found attractive. But they were high in another respect in that I'd never want to commit if she didn't really make me feel like she was the one. I was always fine with the prospect of being a lifelong bachelor until one did finally feel that way.

    • I also just tend to like a wide range of people -- my friend group is ridiculously eclectic bringing together people who might not normally ever want to hang out with each other except that I was interested in both and introduced them. Like I find even people who seem unfriendly usually have an interesting side if you take some time to get to know them -- they might just appear unfriendly because they don't know how to look friendly, but might be super talented or something like that. Meanwhile I also find appeal in very sociable people, even party animals. So I liked all sorts, same for girls, and couldn't really figure out in advance what sort of qualities a girl might possess to manage to make me fall madly for her. The two times that happened in my life, I was surprised that it did.

    • Meanwhile when I see people listing their standards like a job offer, I have to question like, "Are you sure someone possessing these qualities is precisely what's going to make you fall madly for them?" They might even get super lucky and meet someone with that exact set of qualities and find they don't feel strongly at all. So my standards were all revolving around how a girl managed to make me feel. I couldn't list those qualities in advance.

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