Do you have to have sex after the third or fourth date?

So I’m 20. And I’m a virgin. Not for religious reasons or anything purely because I’ve just never been with the right person. I’ve always felt like guys just wanted to hook up though, I’ve had a few genuine guys come into my life but there was always the issue of us not having the connection. Apparently there’s like a rule that’s after the third date you should have sex? But I’ve never felt comfortable. I always feel like that’s so soon. Do you think guys are getting bored of me because I don’t want to after the third date? Is it my fault? I’m just so confused and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m a prude or something and I’m ashamed and kinda wish I just had sex already and maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal to me.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • I think you should stick to what you're comfortable with though I've come to favor having sex as soon as possible, not out of horniness and not because I'd find the girl boring otherwise.

    It's because I've discovered, perhaps through some bad luck, that there is a really strong concept of "sexual compatibility", and that it is not a pleasant experience to spend a lot of time with someone, fall for them, and then discover you two completely lack it.

    Such was the case with my first girlfriend, where we waited for months to have sex only for me to then discover a star fish who doesn't like touched being down there (not even with hand), didn't like her breasts fondled, didn't like pretty much any of the usual things people would do for foreplay, only to then complain about soreness minutes into intercourse. And that did not change with repeated experiences or attempts to talk about it.

    And perhaps you can imagine cases like that where you might date a guy for months, get to know him so well, get so into him outside the bedroom, and then realize he has weird fetishes that freak you out where he can't get aroused any other way, a micropenis, something of this sort. If these types of things aren't important to you and you think you can adapt to your partner's sexual tendencies, then I can see much more of a case for waiting as long as you want. But I always found it pretty important that we're at least reasonable compatible and not wildly incompatible in the bedroom.

    And in my experience strong compatibility can be an elusive concept. I've dated so many weird ones: star fish who don't like being touched down there in any way, girls who suddenly become ridiculously bossy in the bedroom ordering me around, girls with strange masochistic who like me to get so rough and abusive with them even though I'm not a sadist, etc. Meanwhile I also dated two with whom I was so sexually compatible that everything felt so right, like stars aligning, and I married the second one since we were so passionate for each other as lovers and so compatible for each other as lovers, and not just as friends.

    So I came to strongly prefer not to wait so long to find out. That's just me and my rationale for it. I'm not suggesting you do the same, just trying to justify why I would no longer wait around for a girl.

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    • And only mention this because I think girls assume if a guy doesn't want to wait for ages, he must be some horny jerk who only cared about sex or something like this, when that wasn't the case with me whatsoever. I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't have a repeat case of what I've experienced with my first girlfriend and some others, because that's very disappointing to spend so much time and energy together only to find yourselves so incredibly incompatible as lovers.

    • Show All
    • ... when we had that sort of compatibility, then it would echo into every corner of the relationship. We'd both want to spend time with each other more, and not just in the bedroom, but outside. We'd both want to touch each other more, hold hands, express so much mutual affection, no matter where we were. And at least I'd start to entertain, much more strongly, the idea of something very serious and long-term in those cases.

      But it was never merely about sex. That would be way too simple in my case; the sex was merely a means of figuring out how we fared as lovers, and if we fared well, then it would affect everything -- even our ability to open up to each other about who we were, and endure each other when things were challenging. I saw that chemistry (or lack thereof) as affecting everything in my case, and not something I could compartmentalize away, and not something where, when absent, we could be such great lovers in spite of it.

    • One comment I might make is that, in my opinion, if you're in the right moment with the right guy, you shouldn't have to feel like you're "giving" anything away... that the act is not giving or taking, but "sharing".

  • The answer for me is a definite no.

    My wife and I dated for over 9 months seeing each other daily but never had sex until our wedding day.

    So did we set a record on G@G: over 270 dates and no sex. LOL!

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    • I respect this a lot but personally wouldn’t want to wait that long because I’d want to know if I have sexual chemistry w that person

Most Helpful Girl

  • Not at all. You should have sex whenever you feel comfortable and that goes for the other individual as well.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 10

  • I'd wait at least a month before trying to have sex with someone...

    You really don't know who you're dating after only 3 or 4 dates. I'd say you're making the right choice by waiting longer, and avoiding losing your virginity to some fuckboy who just wants to pump and dump you.

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    • That’s what I was thinking! I always felt like a month would be good. I’ve just never even been w a guy SERIOUSLY that long. But thank you. I appreciate that.

    • Yeah, just make sure you let the guys know that you're interested in them if you are, otherwise they may feel you're trying to friend-zone them.

  • There's no such rule, just wait for a proper person with who you can have sex at any date. But also don't wonder why they stop talking to you if there were way more than 3 dates. Time is money, you know...

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  • It's not about sex. The point is showing him that you're attracted to him. Make sure he knows you're into him. You don't need to have sex to make sure of that.
    If the guy feels like you're not attracted to him, he will eventually going to move on.

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  • If you’re not comfortable doing it, just don’t..
    Doing it because you feel forced to do it on 3rd date might not be the best of experiences..
    If a guy really likes you, he will wait the time needed for you to feel comfortable and willing..

    But if you’re teasing him and sending nudes etc, of course he will expect sex soon

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  • one need never have sex.
    do a bit of research on the "shakers."
    as with so many other situations - it's a personal choice.
    and - while we're at it - it's not really anyone else's business...

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  • Guys DO want to hook up. If a guy finds a girl he can hook up with more than once and he likes her, then he will develop feelings and it might blossom into a relationship.

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  • have to? no. But if we don't, I just assume she isn't into me.

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  • You can have when you guys are comfortable maybe after 10 dates

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  • typical, hot white girl

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  • No sex by 3rd date there is no 4th for me.

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What Girls Said 2

  • My ex boyfriend was all of 'lets just do it then it won't be awkward' that was talking about kissing and stuff tho... Tbh kinda a i told you so moment.. but i don't think it would be the same with sex.. lol

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  • Nooo, you don't have to.
    If you don't feel ready, he should respect that.

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