Is it wrong to be kind of shallow when it comes to dating and looks?

I’m 24 and never really had a boyfriend. I’m very introverted and don’t go out often. The only attention I’ve really received from guys were those that were not my type or just weird. I’ve never had a cute guy of my preference show interest in me. People tell me that a certain guy of my preference may find me attractive or check me out but that’s the farthest it goes and I’m very shy. Is it wrong of me to only want to date guys I’m physically attracted to? I feel like I should stop acting this way or reevaluate my standards because I’m still single and my pickiness hasn’t gotten me anywhere 😳
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Most Helpful Guys

  • When it comes to looks, it's fine to have standards as long as they aren't unrealistic. You need to be attracted to them of course, but you shouldn't demand they be a model or something.

    When it comes to personality though, you should 100% have high standards. If they creep you out at the beginning then chances are that won't change. And if you don't enjoy hanging out with them, what's the point? Again, your standars should be realistic, but if you don't think you'd want to become best friends with a person, it's even more unlikely that you'd want to become more than friends with them.

    I've come to realize the hard truth though, and that is if I want to go out with someone I like, I have to take initiative myself. As a shy introvert just like you, I still haven't figured out how to do that without second guessing myself and bailing, but I'm working on it. If you also have this problem, I think that'd be a good place to start.

    Best of luck!

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  • Good to see that I am the majority. First of all don't get depressed, nothing wrong in wanting a cute perfect guy.
    To get a guy you have to understand how our mind works, all men are different but there is a basic template.
    - Guy's 1st impression on a girl is her looks (bar none), all guys look for this 1st, anyone says otherwise is lying. So my suggestion to you is get a polished look, you don't need to wear makeup, wear decent clothes, put on a hair style that suits you the most.
    -It's hard to change if you are introvert. I am introvert myself, I am actually good looking, but I had only approached to girls who were friendly and shown interest on me, or took the courage to speak with me. So the guys you are chasing may either be introvert or interested in girls who has shown interest.
    May be try to be more social, try to hit up a convo, I am sure the most decent ones will talk back.
    3. Looks does the first impression, it doesn't last long, but if you are witty, playful knowlegable on what guy's actually like (may be games, movies, trends, music) you will get his attention and it will be a lasting one, the looks will become secondary.
    3. Getting attracted to a guy because of his physical features is normal but don't put it on the priority list. Because there are lots of great guys out there who are not attractive in the first place. But once you know them, they could be the real deal.
    Good luck

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Most Helpful Girls

  • It’s not wrong to be selective. There are many guys out there, and not all of them are going to be right for you or you right for them. However to limit the possibility of being with someone amazing based on looks alone is not fair to them or to yourself as well. You can miss out on a really beautiful connection if you only worry that the man checks all of your boxes in terms of his appearances. Try to understand a person’s character and interests before automatically dismissing them.
    As for being shy, that also can make your dating life more difficult. I was also fairly shy before, so I get it. Just know that when you finally meet someone you like who is right for you, you will feel comfortable and at ease whenever you are around them.

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  • There's nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner. Every relationship needs attraction, except for really rare cases. If you are setting your sights too high though you should reevaluate what you realistically expect to happen. If you have high standards you need to meet similar ones a high status partner would expect from yourself. You dont sound too bad, but should maybe look into accepting a little more, like giving them a chance if you won't go for the guys you do like.

    One thing I notice is some women (not necessarily you) have some type of ideal cookie cutter guy idea in their head they won't back away from. Like a guy straight out of a romance novel who'll come and sweep them away, they just need to find him somewhere in the world. In reality a guy that charming already has tons of women chasing him and youd really need to compete the right way and meet his tastes to get him. If you read a lot and take the readings with a grain of salt you'll learn how to better go in a relationship and attract more people to you. For me, my rule of thumb for giving a guy a chance appearance wise is I can't be UNattrated to him. Like if you'd feel gross imagining intimate with them, that's a fair reason not to. Personality should always be the number one consideration for any healthy relationship though.

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What Guys Said 53

  • You have to really evaluate what standards you are looking for and ask yourself why and is it what is really best for you. You really have to base a solid relationship on a solid backbone, which are your values. His need to align and compliment your values. Then you have interests that need to work well with each other. Next, look at personality, and how it matches with you and your lifestyle. Then you have the looks, that attract you. You can play with the guys that have the looks, but they probably won't be keepers. Figure out what you have to have and what you can live without. Also, remember, some guys seem to get better looking as they get older. Many women start loosing their looks as they get older. Set your priorities, and move towards what will make you happy. Get bold and talk to a guy that interests you. You never know, it might work out faster than you expected. If you're really picky, you might have to wait for some time. Insanity- doing things the same way and expecting different results. Go after the guys that you like, who don't seem to talk to you. You never know!

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    • by the way, you're not necessarily shallow. We all like what we like, and shouldn't settle for too much less than what we want, and always go for what we need to be happy. Now you just need to figure out what you really need to be happy.

  • Well, it is never right to be shallow. There is absolutely nothing wrong in giving importance to looks but giving importance to only looks, beauty and completely ignoring the personality of the person would be termed as shallow.

    Hence it's good to give importance to both.

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  • Relationships are almost always sparked by an initial physical attraction. It is not wrong or weird.

    Looks matter. Depending on how nice someome is may affect how much less good looking they can be to match your liking.

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    • I think she’s worried because it’s true that most women get shade for being interested in a guy’s looks initially. It’s quite sad. I think physical attraction is simply nature’s way to make you approach someone or be motivated to date them. That doesn’t mean it’s shallow!

  • Thoese weird guys who show interest to you.. I don't think it's an eligible method for eleminating people how weird they were? Do you mean abusive? Because weird people can easily become look normal by learning expected behaviors.

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    • If they were abusive I’d get law enforcement involved. How can I know someone is abusive prior to even going on a date with them? Weird as in being eccentric or overly flirtatious or any unappealing quality 🙄

    • So you're throwing out the guys who genuinely like you. 95% of the time a guy who is into you will be nervous as all hell hence the over eccentric behaviour. I could highly guarantee if you were to approach a guy you really liked you'll come off as the same, undesirable. Happens to both women and men who are nervous, rather than cast them aside instantly, my advice, show them they can be comfortable around you and they'll calm down. The over flirty ones probably are nervous as shit and possibly just want a fling.

  • No, not at all. Who wants to be with someone they're not attracted to? However, having an emotional connection with someone has made them more attractive in my eyes. Like the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover!

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  • As you learn more about yourself an life. Things will come full circle. You may actually be doing yourself a favor by being picky. Having high standards is not a bad thing. For all those that settle. Well. Look around. Take your time. You will be just fine.

    As a side note. I’m very picky. If she’s not smart. Not open minded to the world an does not have a great personality or a clean car. I’m not interested.

    There is nothing wrong w waiting for that “One Person” that makes it all worthwhile

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  • Everyone looks for people similar in status or looks or humour etc. Just make sure you're not being up yourself so to speak. I have standards which are high. I am still single because i am anxious due to leaving everything i know for the city. Maybe you should step out your comfort zone and approach a guy you like. Dont be afraid to be turned down is the advice i can give. (also introverted here btw)

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  • The whole point is to be with someone you're attracted to emotionally and physically. However I've heard that women tend to overlook physical attractiveness of a guy if they love his personality.
    Many studies also show that the more emotionally attached you are to your SO the more attractive you perceive them as, which may explain why you sometimes see a model like woman dating a 300 pound man with a neck beard.

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    • No offense to those men, but it sounds like the woman is in love with his money, not him. Most women who date these men end up cheating or leaving them and taking half of their cash. This is real life. Everyone is shallow about looks

  • Because you're so introverted, it's not bad for you to be choosy. My sister is extremely introverted, and it took her years to find a guy. I would say, don't rush it. But also, you might try talking to people to find out if there are any available guys. Someone introverted like you.

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  • Ots not wrong if that's your choice. Your an adult, you're free to choose tk live how you like, as long as you don't have an adverse affect on anyone else.
    You may find it a lonely place though. There's more to a person than looks.

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  • Attraction only with looks is dangerous. Physical qualities always fade with age but more importantly they fade when the person isn’t a nice, humble, giving, funny human being. Look inside the heart too.

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  • I was very picky, and that kept me away from relationship until I was 24. Since then I had 2 girlfriends and I changed my preferences, or rather I've discovered what my true preferences were.
    So if a guy asks you out, don't dismiss him right away, you might discover something you didn't know about yourself thanks to him.

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  • I say yes because you not social. Try to go out and start talking to people. Society makes you believe that beauty is everything guys are interested in but personality is pretty close if not first. Your still young so you can still be picky just recognize what you bring to the relationship. Best of luck

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  • everyone has preferences, if you are attracted to a type then no not shallow as such but it can be viewed as being by those who are feeling they are left unwanted or rejected...

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    • however if you choose to reevaluate your preferences, and focus on personality traits rather than looks or build for example, then it may allow you to meet someone who you like but otherwise wouldn't have met otherwise

  • I think you should be somewhat attractive to the person you're dating, but don't let the looks be the only thing that moves you. You're still young so enjoy the dating scene. You want different resaults you have to try something new, Just date with the intentions of personality first and see where it lands you. Good luck.

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  • According to liberals and SJWs, obesity is beautiful, freaks of society are the new role models, and you someone else should dictate to you what you should find attractive.

    F-that. I’m only going to want the women I find attractive.

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  • I kinda don't believe you're 24. You sound 17 or 18 if you're not sure if it's wrong to date people you're only attracted to. Sooner or later his looks will fade and so will yours and then What? You'll break up with each other?

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  • There's nothing shallow about wanting to date someone your attracted to. People who say other wise are full of shit either that or we're all shallow.

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  • It’s quite natural you will select traits you like from a visual preference. Saying that you can like the look of someone but not how they are and versa inner appeal comes after but far more important in my opinion

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  • Nothing wrong with it. Just don't be upset if other people judge you over shallow details.

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What Girls Said 27

  • If you're not attracted to them, why date them? Your standards can be as high as you want them to be. That being said, you should consider opening yourself up to getting to know men you're not attracted to, and from that, you may build an attraction. Just make sure they know you're just looking for friendship. If something romantic comes from it, great! If not, that's fine too! Nothing wrong with having male friends.

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  • I don't think it's wrong of you to WANT to date because of looks. But in my opinion, it is wrong to date just because of that. Of course, attraction comes first do you'll have to be attracted to someone before dating them but if, just because someone isn't up to your standards of attractive and you reject them because of that, you're wrong.

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  • Nah, you’re young and inexperienced. That gives you market value, you can afford to be picky. Just don’t have insanely high standards that probably only like <1-5% of the male population would be able to meet, like how some girls won’t even go near a guy if he isn’t at least 6’5 or some shit.

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  • Sort of but there really is nothing wrong with it. Normal people are supposed to be shallow which is a healthy thing for our species and offspring. All these people, acting like there is something wrong with you, wouldn't want to date an ugly person either

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  • No, i am 22 in the same situation. I did talk to guys i found attractive before about twice, but it didn't work. I am not that desperate that I'd settle for less than i deserve. You just have to work a bit on shyness and look more aproachable. You can also try activities outside the home that would allow you to meet more people

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    • 'Less than you Deserve'. With that attitude, you certaintly deserve very, very little.

    • @DonRomeo No, I deserve a good person that treats me right and I also like physically. There isn't any wrong mentality, I am just confident and I know what I deserve. Why should I be content with less just not to be alone? I didn't say I want a model or a billionaire to sound greedy. If you make assumptions and criticise people for no reason you have the wrong mentality.

    • “Less than you deserve” that was very belittling, in my opinion

  • I personally think that we all give attention to someone we physically like except if we get to meet a friend of a friend. However I do think that your pickiness won't bring any good. Especially since you are an introvert. It's like waiting for someone to magically read your mind whether you like them or not. So maybe you should keep a more open mind.

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  • I would guess the issue is not the high standard but you can't keep them interested long enough to get asked out.

    Maybe you are giving the unintrested vibe or border boring by shyness. Try to be less shy by joining a club or group and see if it solves the issue.

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  • Sometimes we don't always feel attraction in the beginning. It can grow in that direction after getting to know them. But also, it's not wrong to want to be initially attracted to someone. Just know it's only our nature tricking us into mating. True love is built on more than physical attraction.

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  • I think there's a good balance. You need to be attracted to your partner but you also need to value personality as well. I think it's important to find a good balance.

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  • Im super shallow when it comes to looks. Im not afraid to admit it. I look for someone who is very attractive and has a good personality. I won't and will never date someone who in my eyes is unattractive. I have dated guy and later realized or have been told was ugly but to me they weren't so I went with it. Its all about who do you want to be with?

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  • No , be as picky as you want but also dont always wait for a guy to approach you maybe muster up the courage and introduce yourself to a guy that you find attractive

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  • I think it starts with physical attraction. You have to be attracted to the person. Once you have that, you then start getting to know them and find out if they're really right for you.

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  • No, of course not. Most people who shame others for their (absolutely normal and natural) shallowness in dating are hypocrites. We're all shallow to certain degrees in certain things. Only a tiny fraction of the people who claim they don't care about looks actually mean it.

    And why would you date someone you're not physically attracted to? If you really like someone but don't find him attractive - well, become friends! But for a romantic relationship, there needs to be sexual attraction. Otherwise I don't know how that's any different from a normal friendship.

    And what it is that you do and don't find sexually and physically attractive, is entirely up to you. And none of it is "wrong". Everyone's attracted to different things in other people and that's fine.

    Don't let anyone shame you for this. These people are most likely highly hypocritical and not worth your energy anyway.

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  • I think it's okay for your ideal to be good looking, but it's kind of unfair to reject guys just because you don't find them physically attractive.

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  • someone can have high standards but if someone has high standards they better not complain that much about being single if they are

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  • No! Don’t date anyone you’re not attracted to! I only had my first relationship a couple months ago & most people that approach me aren’t my type either, in fact it’s extremely rare for me to find physically attractive guys just out on the street or in some café or bar. That’s why when I do I really try my best to let them know I’m interested & it works often enough! It’s all about taking your chances when you see someone you actually like, dating someone you’re not attracted to isn’t gonna make either of you happy.

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    • Oh and I’m shy as hell especially when I find someone attractive, what I do is I usually just look at them & smile from a far haha. If it’s a relaxed setting and he’s not a complete idiot there’s a good chance he’ll take the hint & come over.

  • Wrong? Not necessarily...
    But you aren’t exactly in the position to be picky 👀

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    • Maybe she isn't that desperate to have someone just for the sake of not being single...

    • I never said she was desperate. And she doesn’t have to be. But if she is going out of her way to complain about not having a boyfriend, then clearly there’s a problem—and it’s her. You can’t be antisocial and expect your “type” to automatically flock to you. Life doesn’t work that way. She may get lucky but I doubt it.

    • @emmily2396 yes, you’re accurate

  • This year I found my first boyfriend ever. He isn't like I always imagined lookwise but I love him very much so it does not matter what I imagined

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  • Show how shallow you are from the beginning and there are fewer surprises.

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  • Shallow yes... having standards no.. humble yourself

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