When's an appropriate time to tell your S/O you know about their cheating?

So my boyfriend forgot his phone at home last night, and it was blowing up. I was trying to sleep, so I got annoyed and unlocked his phone so I could put it on silent, and to my surprise, there were a lot of questionable notifications.
Accidentally (and I swear it was an accident, I do not snoop, I have, well HAD, 100% trust in him) opened a message only to find that he's been sending/recieved nudes.
He just got home, and I am now at work, and my heart is fucking broken.
When would an appropriate time be to tell him I know what he's been doing?
I understand that I invaded his privacy, but does that diminish the fact that he's cheating on me?
Updates:
Confronted him.
All he had to say was "I don't remember when I would have done that" and that's literally it.
I cracked and bawled my eyes out, and he didn't even have the guts to apologize. I do not know where we go from here.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • What kind of phone requires that you read messages to put it on mute? You both did something wrong, and two wrings do not cancel each other out.

    The appropriate time is the very next time that you see him. Tell him right before you say, "I don't ever want to see you again." And then you need to think about what went wrong and how you can change your behavior to be a better girlfriend.

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    • Lmao this isn't my fault. I refuse to believe that anyone can do something so wrong that being cheated on is okay.

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    • @Goodwifie I am not defending his behavior, I am not excusing his behavior, and his transgressions were obviously more serious. There is nothing that she can do to fix him or make him a better guy. I said that she should leave him.

      However, I am simply not overlooking the fact that she snooped and then tried to say that it was accidental. His transgressions do not make her transgressions okay. She can't change him but she can change her own behavior. I am simply encouraging her to be honest with herself about what she did. I will offer no apology for encouraging someone to be candid in their self-examination. “This above all: to thine own self be true."

    • Well said.. 😉😉

  • Snooping is bad and you shouldn't do it because it's an invasion of privacy, but I'd say that cheating is a lot worse. So those who say "two wrongs don't make a right" as if snooping is anywhere near as bad are idiots.

    If you find out he/she was cheating this way, do these people expect you not to say anything? To carry on a false relationship? Ridiculous.

    If you snooped and found nothing, then I'd say that you're more in the wrong because there was likely no reason for you to snoop, and they've done nothing wrong so you invaded their privacy for nothing. But even if the snooping was intentional, and you find something - there was a reason you were snooping and you were proven to be correct, at which point they don't really have a leg to stand on in my opinion.

    Where to go from here - he's proven to you that he's a lying, disloyal piece of shit, and also has no remorse since he hasn't even apologised. Why continue with such an asshole?

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Most Helpful Girls

  • Do you live together? Do you plan to try and fix things or breakup? If so, you'll probably want to find another place to stay before telling him. I think once you have that stuff in order, then tell him.

    If you plan to fix things, confront him as soon as you can.

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    • We have lived together for 2 and a half years. We hit some hard times and had to move in with my parents. Part of my wants to fix things, another part of me wants to run. He's been cheated on. He knows that pain. And yet, he did it to me.

    • Geez, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Obviously, it's your decision on what to do now. Personally though, I'd break up. Cheaters don't change, and if he knows that kind of pain, and was willing to knowingly hurt you anyway, that's just a big red flag to me.

  • Confront him, and I personally would end the relationship

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    • 100% going to confront him. Just not sure I'll be able to end it over this. 3 years dating, 2.5 years living together. It's a huge investment to throw away to me. I don't know.

    • Its also a huge investment to date a cheater

    • It's already been thrown away by him.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 52

  • I don't care how you found out. People have to stop beating themselves up for finding out a partner is cheating.

    You need to plan to move out or have him move out. Cheaters do not change. They promise and might even behave for awhile, but soon enough they go back to being shady.

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  • OH lord, That a Dubber head , The best way to solve this problem is not to say. SO i seen you phone and it had some questionable things on it..
    The best approach is , he knows he left it at the house his knows that you could have seen it , So Is worried? that's question is more guarded of it now. And are the message still there. ?

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    • He is a useless jerk... Everthing has a time stamp on it
      .. Dump his butt and wave good bye.. Dont be tricked by him. he needs to be taught its not cool to sext

  • Anytime. Why wait. by the way, he cares if you snooped. Don't apologize. Unless you are wanting to gather more evidence I don't really see the point in waiting too long.

    Are you going to dump him are play the weak role and think he's going to change and stay with him.

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  • Wow! Surprised anyone is saying you are in the wrong! You are the victim!!
    You could sext someone yourself (no faces).
    Or get his phone and forward his pictures to his friends (not family).
    Or get all your stuff and leave him, block him etc.
    Or take his stuff and leave, block him etc..

    You said when to confront him... he has already been lying to you. It will just continue, they never change. Accept it is over. So sorry.

    P. S or burn his stuff. The cheating bastard

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  • is he actually cheating as in having sex with someone else or is he just sending nudes and sexting.. Still a shitty thing to do.. I would matter of factly tell him what you saw and tell him there is no point in denying it. The question is what do you plan to do about it? by the way the sooner the better.

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  • I think it's best to breakup no matter how many years you have been together. Telling them that you know that they are cheating won't do anything good. This is coming from a guy who has been cheated on in the first 3 relationships of his life and the most recent affair was similar to be cheated on just that it was not a official relationship. Sometimes I feel like I am being used for sex instead of me using the girl (which is the general trend)😅😅

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  • As soon as you see them after finding out. Cheating is inappropriate on every level, so waiting for a socially appropriate time to confront a cheater is ridiculous. Waiting for a time when it's more embarrassing or damaging might be understandable, but it's still inappropriate. Try to be the bigger person and leave the butthole respectably.

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  • Yeah that is definitely not okay on his part why ask for nudes when you have a girlfriend? I've never gotten that. I have been cheated on so many times and I know how bad it can suck specially when you trust the person.

    Just do yourself a favor and just move on and give yourself time to heal from this. One last thing , no matter how paranoid you get in your next relationship remember to give him a fair chance

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  • Hmmmmm. Ok so you don't know he is having sex with other people. But you do know he is sharing naufhty pics. To be honest if it's just pictures, well the hard truth is men like porn. The fact that this is one to one (rather than one to many) doesn't change that is is still porn. All that said if it's pictures with an intent to follow up, meet up and hook up, that's a problem. So, define what the problem is first.

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    • Lol that is so not porn

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    • not the same since u r indeed interacting with a woman to do it...

    • Completely agree with you, but that's not the point. It's a ' do I watch TV or play a video game' thing. Yes, one is passive and one is interactive but it scratches the same itch. It's porn. Just more interactive.

  • "When would an appropriate time be to tell him I know what he's been doing? "
    There isn't, its gonna be awkward as fuck no matter what you do

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  • When you can. Once you know, it's over and you have to tell him. Once it's done, you break up and never see him again.
    There are things that can't be repaired. And he's the only one at fault. Get rid of him.

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  • the appropriate time is a time is any time you can address it while being as calm and civil as possible. but any time is really fine.

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  • Tell him you misplaced your phone and used his to call yours and that when you noticed the notifications

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    • Now you are telling her to lie to him. He can get the phone records you and find out if she used it or not to call hers.

    • Yeah you're right she should get rid of him the next step for him is cheating if he hasn't already.

    • Where you go from here is a fresh start with someone else after a grieving period. Take some time for yourself you will realize leaving him is the best thing you can do because staying with him will just be miserable not knowing when he's lying but knowing it doesn't bother him to lie to you.

  • You should have took a photo of his phone messages just in case if he plays dumb with you. If he took it too personally then he is only trying to make you feel guilty by acting like a victim.

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  • Something like sending and receiving nudes is not defined as cheating by some, so perhaps ask him why he did what he did and you might find the answer to not be what you expect. He could’ve just been flirting online with a stranger and decided to send nudes of himself as the other person on the other end was doing the same. He could have no feelings whatsoever for this person and still love you, but he got enticed or tempted to do this disrespectful thing to his relationship. He didn’t sleep with, touch, or kiss another woman, just flirted with someone via text and he got carried away and did something inappropriate. My issues are the fact that he didn’t notify you about this as soon as he could’ve and his response to you figuring out what he’s done. I think you should try to have an honest discussion with him and if he’s not having it, being uncooperative, hostile, or denying what he’s done, it’s probably best to breakup with him.

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  • You accidently opened a message which was clearly not the silencing function. Now that's a long ass accident. 😂 you found what you were looking for. Well done👌😂

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  • No, it does not diminish that fact. You need to calm yourself down (in order to speak with power and strength), and then confront him in person. I hope you can get through this

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    • In response to the update : You tell him to get out of your life, you leave him and find a better partner, because you deserve it and can absolutely do so.

  • Immediately. Don't stand for cheating. If someone cheats they should be dead to you right away.

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  • What's the difference between an Iraqi cell phone and a US cell phone?

    An Iraqi cell phone blows itself up

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  • The to tell him is when he asks how/why his phone is smashed to pieces.

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  • When you have enough evidence that cannot be denied, have him come to dinner at a restaurant with some of your family (who you showed all this to) and let him see it all mid meal.

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    • Break up with him. He obviously doesn't respect you much less love you enough to be faithful and honest with you. You deserve better, yeah.

  • You both are in the wrong here. You for going through his phone and him for cheating on you.

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    • Whoever down voted me please explain how you believe one of them is not in the wrong?

    • Lol these are women that downvoted you. Of course you're gonna be in the wrong for them. It's never the girl's fault

  • lots of suffering stems from trying to possess and dominate others... do you ever wonder if humans are better off being openly polyamorous?

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  • When he comes home backhand him with an extra of knuckles and tell him yourl're done

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  • The minute you can discuss it without killing them.

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  • The time when you realized. How can a person pursue a relationship after that moment?

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  • Blurt it out just as they are about to orgasm during sex.

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  • After you have separated your funds, found a new place, packed, and moved out.

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  • For men it’s different we go straight to the flames

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  • Accidentally unlocked his phone eh? Besides that just come clean, tell him what you saw.

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What Girls Said 15

  • Asap

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  • break up with him, you deserve so much better. He is so bold in his lying-he's a heartless person who doesn't care about your feelings at all.

    also, some guys on here-trolls or not will rip you apart over the slightest thing and since you "snooped" that lot will attack you in waves.

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  • No such thing as a perfect time and in any case don't blame yourself for finding out the way you did. Most cheaters will try to accuse you od snooping and blame you for the shit so it doesn't matter. Break up with him, it's the best choice.

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    • I'm sorry that happened. It sucks when they don't give a shit. Drop him

  • There is never really an perfect time, however when alone and calmly would be best in my opinion.

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  • No. It doesn't diminish it. Snooping or not, he is still the one in the wrong here.

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  • Where we go from there? You serious? You take your shit and you leave! Thats what you
    And seriously dont touch someone else's phone. No matter how much noise it makes.

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  • i wouldn't worry really about his concerns for privacy, bring it up as soon as u see him

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  • Asap. Because even though you accidently looked, it doesn't change what he did and for who knows how long either.

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  • The second you found out you should have said something

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  • Sorry honey. I see no reason to not dump his ass right now and break up and you are worried abot that? He should be the one who does that not you.

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  • You break up and then try to put yourself back together is where you go from here.

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  • Believe me. I've tried doing the same thing with my phone where I wanted to mute it and I'll end up accidentally swiping on a message. It happens sometimes when I want to just unlock my phone and ignore the notifications. People suck, that's the truth. Just ignore the people who can't understand that accidents happen.

    Now I'd confront him about it and be like why are you lying? You left your phone at home and I saw the messages.

    Now it's possible he's deleted everything by now, OR he talking to the girl and asking HER what he should do because he's a coward.

    Then you need to break up with him.

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  • That’s why I stopped looking at guy’s phone. I am a very jealous person so it wouldn’t be good.

    But yeah you invaded his space. Why’d you read messages if you were just gonna put it on silent? But yeah I do agree you were curious who this person is probably. Well this one is a tough one as you might appear as a stalker but sending nudes with other women ain’t acceptable. I guess you have to have a talk but yeah I did read that he didn’t even apologize. What’d I do is nothing, I’d wait for him to come with explaination...

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  • ASAP be mature about it.

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  • CONFRONT HIM IMMEDIATELY !!!

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