When's an appropriate time to tell your S/O you know about their cheating?

So my boyfriend forgot his phone at home last night, and it was blowing up. I was trying to sleep, so I got annoyed and unlocked his phone so I could put it on silent, and to my surprise, there were a lot of questionable notifications.
Accidentally (and I swear it was an accident, I do not snoop, I have, well HAD, 100% trust in him) opened a message only to find that he's been sending/recieved nudes.
He just got home, and I am now at work, and my heart is fucking broken.
When would an appropriate time be to tell him I know what he's been doing?
I understand that I invaded his privacy, but does that diminish the fact that he's cheating on me?
Updates:
Confronted him.
All he had to say was "I don't remember when I would have done that" and that's literally it.
I cracked and bawled my eyes out, and he didn't even have the guts to apologize. I do not know where we go from here.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Snooping is bad and you shouldn't do it because it's an invasion of privacy, but I'd say that cheating is a lot worse. So those who say "two wrongs don't make a right" as if snooping is anywhere near as bad are idiots.

    If you find out he/she was cheating this way, do these people expect you not to say anything? To carry on a false relationship? Ridiculous.

    If you snooped and found nothing, then I'd say that you're more in the wrong because there was likely no reason for you to snoop, and they've done nothing wrong so you invaded their privacy for nothing. But even if the snooping was intentional, and you find something - there was a reason you were snooping and you were proven to be correct, at which point they don't really have a leg to stand on in my opinion.

    Where to go from here - he's proven to you that he's a lying, disloyal piece of shit, and also has no remorse since he hasn't even apologised. Why continue with such an asshole?

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  • What kind of phone requires that you read messages to put it on mute? You both did something wrong, and two wrings do not cancel each other out.

    The appropriate time is the very next time that you see him. Tell him right before you say, "I don't ever want to see you again." And then you need to think about what went wrong and how you can change your behavior to be a better girlfriend.

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    • Lmao this isn't my fault. I refuse to believe that anyone can do something so wrong that being cheated on is okay.

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    • @Goodwifie I am not defending his behavior, I am not excusing his behavior, and his transgressions were obviously more serious. There is nothing that she can do to fix him or make him a better guy. I said that she should leave him.

      However, I am simply not overlooking the fact that she snooped and then tried to say that it was accidental. His transgressions do not make her transgressions okay. She can't change him but she can change her own behavior. I am simply encouraging her to be honest with herself about what she did. I will offer no apology for encouraging someone to be candid in their self-examination. β€œThis above all: to thine own self be true."

    • Well said.. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰

Most Helpful Girls

  • Confront him, and I personally would end the relationship

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    • 100% going to confront him. Just not sure I'll be able to end it over this. 3 years dating, 2.5 years living together. It's a huge investment to throw away to me. I don't know.

    • Its also a huge investment to date a cheater

    • It's already been thrown away by him.

  • Do you live together? Do you plan to try and fix things or breakup? If so, you'll probably want to find another place to stay before telling him. I think once you have that stuff in order, then tell him.

    If you plan to fix things, confront him as soon as you can.

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    • We have lived together for 2 and a half years. We hit some hard times and had to move in with my parents. Part of my wants to fix things, another part of me wants to run. He's been cheated on. He knows that pain. And yet, he did it to me.

    • Geez, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Obviously, it's your decision on what to do now. Personally though, I'd break up. Cheaters don't change, and if he knows that kind of pain, and was willing to knowingly hurt you anyway, that's just a big red flag to me.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 52

  • I don't care how you found out. People have to stop beating themselves up for finding out a partner is cheating.

    You need to plan to move out or have him move out. Cheaters do not change. They promise and might even behave for awhile, but soon enough they go back to being shady.

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  • OH lord, That a Dubber head , The best way to solve this problem is not to say. SO i seen you phone and it had some questionable things on it..
    The best approach is , he knows he left it at the house his knows that you could have seen it , So Is worried? that's question is more guarded of it now. And are the message still there. ?

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    • He is a useless jerk... Everthing has a time stamp on it
      .. Dump his butt and wave good bye.. Dont be tricked by him. he needs to be taught its not cool to sext

  • Anytime. Why wait. by the way, he cares if you snooped. Don't apologize. Unless you are wanting to gather more evidence I don't really see the point in waiting too long.

    Are you going to dump him are play the weak role and think he's going to change and stay with him.

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  • Wow! Surprised anyone is saying you are in the wrong! You are the victim!!
    You could sext someone yourself (no faces).
    Or get his phone and forward his pictures to his friends (not family).
    Or get all your stuff and leave him, block him etc.
    Or take his stuff and leave, block him etc..

    You said when to confront him... he has already been lying to you. It will just continue, they never change. Accept it is over. So sorry.

    P. S or burn his stuff. The cheating bastard

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  • is he actually cheating as in having sex with someone else or is he just sending nudes and sexting.. Still a shitty thing to do.. I would matter of factly tell him what you saw and tell him there is no point in denying it. The question is what do you plan to do about it? by the way the sooner the better.

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  • I think it's best to breakup no matter how many years you have been together. Telling them that you know that they are cheating won't do anything good. This is coming from a guy who has been cheated on in the first 3 relationships of his life and the most recent affair was similar to be cheated on just that it was not a official relationship. Sometimes I feel like I am being used for sex instead of me using the girl (which is the general trend)πŸ˜…πŸ˜…

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  • As soon as you see them after finding out. Cheating is inappropriate on every level, so waiting for a socially appropriate time to confront a cheater is ridiculous. Waiting for a time when it's more embarrassing or damaging might be understandable, but it's still inappropriate. Try to be the bigger person and leave the butthole respectably.

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  • Yeah that is definitely not okay on his part why ask for nudes when you have a girlfriend? I've never gotten that. I have been cheated on so many times and I know how bad it can suck specially when you trust the person.

    Just do yourself a favor and just move on and give yourself time to heal from this. One last thing , no matter how paranoid you get in your next relationship remember to give him a fair chance

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  • Hmmmmm. Ok so you don't know he is having sex with other people. But you do know he is sharing naufhty pics. To be honest if it's just pictures, well the hard truth is men like porn. The fact that this is one to one (rather than one to many) doesn't change that is is still porn. All that said if it's pictures with an intent to follow up, meet up and hook up, that's a problem. So, define what the problem is first.

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    • Lol that is so not porn

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    • not the same since u r indeed interacting with a woman to do it...

    • Completely agree with you, but that's not the point. It's a ' do I watch TV or play a video game' thing. Yes, one is passive and one is interactive but it scratches the same itch. It's porn. Just more interactive.

  • "When would an appropriate time be to tell him I know what he's been doing? "
    There isn't, its gonna be awkward as fuck no matter what you do

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What Girls Said 15

  • Asap

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  • break up with him, you deserve so much better. He is so bold in his lying-he's a heartless person who doesn't care about your feelings at all.

    also, some guys on here-trolls or not will rip you apart over the slightest thing and since you "snooped" that lot will attack you in waves.

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  • No such thing as a perfect time and in any case don't blame yourself for finding out the way you did. Most cheaters will try to accuse you od snooping and blame you for the shit so it doesn't matter. Break up with him, it's the best choice.

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    • I'm sorry that happened. It sucks when they don't give a shit. Drop him

  • There is never really an perfect time, however when alone and calmly would be best in my opinion.

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  • No. It doesn't diminish it. Snooping or not, he is still the one in the wrong here.

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  • Where we go from there? You serious? You take your shit and you leave! Thats what you
    And seriously dont touch someone else's phone. No matter how much noise it makes.

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  • i wouldn't worry really about his concerns for privacy, bring it up as soon as u see him

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  • Asap. Because even though you accidently looked, it doesn't change what he did and for who knows how long either.

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  • The second you found out you should have said something

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  • Sorry honey. I see no reason to not dump his ass right now and break up and you are worried abot that? He should be the one who does that not you.

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