Want to move on from my ex but I am afraid/don’t know how?

He was my first love. The only person I’ve been with. I so badly wanted to make it work but no matter how much I try I just don’t think he wants to, he doesn’t see me as enough. I’ve come to terms with that now and want to move onto someone who actually appreciates me. But I’m scared. I just feel like I am very ‘picky’ when it comes to liking people. I don’t get crushes often and I get turned off by a minor thing. But when I like someone I really like someone. So far I’ve been trying to Move on for about a year, but everyone who I’ve liked either doesn’t like me back, or they’ve got a girlfriend or something complicated. There are lots of good looking guys who want to take me out. They’re just so different to my ex that I am apprehensive. The thing is I don’t want a carbon copy of my ex at all, so why do I hold these guys to the standard of him? How can I shake past this fear & go on a date and connect with someone whos so different to what I’m used to?

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  • I think you may not fully recover until you meet someone you enjoy being around so you can get your mind off your ex.

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  • All the things you're saying about him is WHY you need to let him go. If you don't want a carbon copy of your ex, then CHANGE. You're having premarital sex? STOP IT. Your lusting after guys and that is how you got with him? STOP IT. Your flirting? STOP IT. Are you attracted to random Strangers? STOP IT!

    Take time for yourself. Do not rush into dating. Take 6 months - 1 year for yourself. The longer, the better. FILTER yourself out from everything of him. I don't care how badly you think you need a boyfriend. You don't. I don't care if you think you need sex and physical affection. You don't need it. You can get that from your friends, your family, your parents, your pets if you have any. You don't need it from men and random people. You need to learn to love yourself most of all. Get counseling pronto, even if you need to go to church. There is nothing for you to be scared of if you are able to make a mistake with this person. It's not about crushes or you being picky. It's about whether or not dating, sex etc is something you NEED to be participating. WHY are you dating? WHY are you having sex if you are? Let alone outside of marriage. WHY you do the things you do? Think about the things you think? Feel the way you feel? Figure yourself out, about who you are, your identity as a woman, what makes you a woman, and not because of your age. If not, what kind of person and woman YOU want to be. You have to know this, and you cannot find this within a man. Let alone men you don't know.

    "How can I shake past this fear & go on a date and connect with someone whos so different to what I’m used to?" Again. You DON'T. And learn from this because while sometimes time can heal wounds. It won't heal if you don't allow yourself to. You will know when you're ready. No, you cannot FEEL or THINK your ready. You have to know or else you're going to hurt another person for your nonsense and baggage.

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  • You can't. You just have to go out and see what happenswith other men.

    There's a great saying Turkish, though it will lose its meaning in translation.

    "A nail is the only thing to get another nail out of place"

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  • You have to realize that single life is better than being with someone who doesn't really want you. It took me a long time to realize this too, but it is very freeing to accept that single life isn't all that bad.

    Now, I am not saying you should give up on ever finding someone of course. We can talk for hours about the future, whether you will or won't find someone, and all that. The thing is, we simply don't know what will happen in the future. We can only focus on what is right in front of us: the relationship between you and your ex. As you've said yourself, he doesn't appreciate you and it just didn't work out. There is no future here.

    Your choice boils down to 2 options. Either you find yourself unable to let you, forever chasing someone who doesn't really want you. Or, you decided to take take control and steer yourself to new, yet unknown waters. Neither me or you know what the future holds for you, but we do know it is better than being stuck forever chasing your ex.

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