2 mo

Romantic, Lustful, and Obsessive feelings for the guy who sexually abused me. Does it make me a bad person?

It has been 2 years since the incident took place. When I was 14, I dated a guy who was 2-3 years older than me. He treated me horribly in public but would always convince me to go to very remote parts of the school where he would be the most loving I’ve ever seen him. The issue was that he was overly sexual and I told him I wasn’t interested yet. I’d try to leave but he would keep doing things to keep me in the relationship. But it started to escalate to the point where he would molest me. And he sexually assaulted me twice. But I was so helplessly in love with him. And after every sexual encounter he would just leave. And I would stay there completely frozen because I didn’t even consent to anything. And whenever I would try to stop or deny things, he would just leave me and give me the silent treatment until I finally agreed and even initiated some sexual things. It hurt so much and I didn’t tell anyone anything because he wanted to make the relationship a secret even though I didn’t, but I didn’t want him to get angry at me. I was so afraid of him getting upset. I broke up with him after 6 months. But I tried to get back with him a year later only for it to turn out the same. I even get flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories, and triggers from the things he has done to me. I’m absolutely mortified and traumatised. Seeing his face is enough to scare me. Yet a small part of me is still very romantically and lustfully obsessed? Does this mean I’m not traumatised at all? Many counsellors think I have ptsd but I don’t think it’s plausible if a part of me is still very attached to him. My parents and counsellor are convinced that I have a form of ptsd but I never told them about the weird feelings I get. And I hate them. What does this mean? I feel like I’m gaslighting myself because sometimes even I doubt that he sexually and mentally abused me! Even though every one tells me that he did, and I felt so violated every time.
Romantic, Lustful, and Obsessive feelings for the guy who sexually abused me. Does it make me a bad person?
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