But remember, you don't have to jeopardize anything for a girl unless you voluntarily do so. Never let any sort of pressure, however nuanced and subtle and persuasive, compel you to do something you don't want to do. If you can master this, I think most of your recent questions will turn to moot. You will become in full control of the situations at that point.
Thank you for your answer.I want to at least give her something but I don't want for things to go further a certain point.I'm a bit insecure and doubtful with her - I have no intention to do anything sexual for the time being, but I want to least hug her back or let her sit closer without me feeling uncomfortable.She seems a bit upset by this and insists that getting to some things should take days or weeks, not months.
If you will forgive me for commenting a bit about manliness, I think this is the manliest quality a man can achieve:"He is the most powerful who has power over himself." -- SenecaIt's an ideal. It's not something we can perfectly attain. I fail as well from time to time. But that's what it means to be a man. It means being in control of your impulses so that they don't guide you to do things you regret, not letting others control what you do, not letting others dictate your choices. To be in full control of our destiny, not prone to cave into impulses (neither compassion nor anger if they lead to regrets), is the highest state of achievement as I see it. And the closer you get to that, the less you have to worry about losing control because of inviting someone else into your life.
>> I have no intention to do anything sexual for the time being, but I want to least hug her back or let her sit closer without me feeling uncomfortable.So hug her and do what you want (provided it doesn't violate her consent). That's what I'd do and suggest. But you can be firm if she wants something more from that. You can communicate freely if you don't let too much caution get in the way.>> She seems a bit upset by this and insists that getting to some things should take days or weeks, not months.If you want to hug, and she wants to hug, then there might be some wisdom not worrying about "what ifs?" in the future. If you are in control of yourself as in the above quote, then if it leads to more and it's getting uncomfortable, she can only proceed with your consent (at least unless she forces you against your will, and hopefully you have the capability to resist such force).
I suspect you might be more prone to persuasion and empathy than force. But resisting those things is perhaps even more practical than force. Again it's like being able to say "no" to some used car salesman, and sometimes that's more challenging than throwing punches to someone who is trying to attack you physically.But the more you can confidently do this, the more you don't have to worry about all these things. Of course, if you hug her and she developed strong feelings and you somehow don't feel the same, it's going to hurt her. But that's not your responsibility. She's an adult. You're an adult. As long as you keep it honest with her, you don't have let caution of possible guilt get in the way of things. Besides, you might madly fall for her. Who knows? Or not. That's that. It doesn't always work. Don't second-guess yourself and try to spare her feelings so much that you deprive yourself of your own. I suspect you're more noble than afraid, but even the conscience can get the better of us sometimes if we feel like we owe people more than what we're willing to do.Even compassion can sometimes be a fault.
I don't think she could even if she works out, but I hope she doesn't get too upset I want to keep things PG so to say.
She's not trying to emotionally blackmail me but sometimes I feel I do owe her for her time and attentions.
You can tell her that, maybe while hugging her. :-D And she knows, I assume, that you just got out of a breakup. If you're deep towards the empathetic side, then sometimes it's like the expectations we hold of others mirrors our own. To be strict in those cases with things like boundaries can require that we become stricter both ways (both to ourselves and others). But think "firm". That's a great word in my opinion for you. "Firm" doesn't mean angry, doesn't mean lashing out. It doesn't mean waiting until the last moment when you're most uncomfortable and resorting to extreme measures in a knee-jerk reaction. It's pro-active, not reactive. Do as you wish but be "firm" about the things you don't.
But again it's the control thing. Be the man who ultimately has power over himself. Who's the boss? It's Jean-Marie. Jean-Marie is the boss. You're the boss. And the boss never fears losing control over himself to others.
Again not "her boss", but "your boss". She's not your boss. You're the boss of yourself. Jean-Marie's boss is Jean-Marie. Does that make sense? If anyone controls Jean-Marie, it's Jean-Marie. :-D No one else.
>> [...] I feel I do owe her for her time and attentions.And for this part, you can't owe her this sort of thing. That "owing" mindset is going to deprive you of happiness, and if your conscience is still so selflessly tuned, she's not going to be happy with you being all miserable and just owing her your company. Again compassion can be a fault. It's an impulse that, in some cases, can be as counter-productive as something like anger.But just as you should be your own boss, she must be her own boss as well. And again if you're an empath type, realizing that for yourself could mean realizing that's the case for her too, or realizing that about her could also mean realizing that about yourself (I'm what they call an "empath" apparently so these things were trickier for me to learn than usual).
I understand... so we should find a compromise?
Perhaps so. But I'd start with getting rid of this mindset that you owe her your affection the closer you get to her, while simultaneously being open enough in communication to avoid misleading her.
She knows fully what happened and even some intimate details of it.I made everything clear to her but she keeps laughing it off and saying I talk only out of emotion and will change idea soon.I have no intention to do anything sexual for the time being (I explicitly told her that), but I want to least hug her back or let her sit closer without me feeling uncomfortable.She seems a bit upset by this and insists that getting to some things should take days or weeks, not months.
You should not be dating this girl. If she cannot respect how you feel, she is selfish. Seriously. This cannot possibly work.
She respects it but she says it's unhealthy for me and I should at least make an effort.
Sorry... But it doesn't sound AT ALL like she respects it. Not in the least. If she did, she would URGE you to get help, and she would be as patient as you need her to be. Sorry man, but this is bullshit! She is being unbelievably selfish and TOTALLY DISREGARDING how you feel. She is telling you how SHE thinks you SHOULD feel. Clearly she is not listening to you when you're telling her how YOU ACTUALLY feel. If she were she could NEVER try to manipulate and guilt you into doing shit you're not comfortable doing. You know how you hear of red flags? This is a freaking red neon sign. It says LEAVE. Dude, reverse the genders and take a look at it. She would be one ASSHOLE guy, pressuring his new girlfriend to engage in sexual things she was not wanting to do. Add in that she feels that way because of trauma she's experienced in her past... And that guy is now approaching complete scumbag. You don't deserve the female equivalent of a scumbag. It actually makes me really angry that this girl is "laughing it off." That is exactly what she's doing. But what kind of person does that? Seriously, that's not normal or ok. She's got something wrong with how she looks at you. You are heading into something that has extremely high potential to become abusive. Extremely. She is showing the reaction of someone without empathy. That scares me. That should scare you too.
I've never thought of it that way, you are right.I'll have to think on it and tell her the things you told me - that if the genders were reversed it would have been another story.I'll make her see that, thank you for pointing it out.
You're very very welcome. I really hope you do, at the very least, make this clear to her. This isn't something that you or anyone should put up with.
Pushing back certain things it's not being afraid of something - it's just wanting to take the right time for that.
I think you do have some issues or traumas related to sex and you should get help for that.
I love how she is replying as anonymous as I believe this is a person who criticizes you regularly so posting as anon would imply a new person feels the same way so you'd take it seriously this time and listen. :D I might be wrong and I apoligize if I am, but this made me giggle
@Porcelaine Maybe I guess so but at least she's not being rude or insulting
Wonder why she's anon though.
To hide her identity. That's why I mention you might've spoken to her already.
@Porcelaine Maybe I know who she is but at least she didn't insult me this time.
Cause if she did that would be a dead giveaway. :D
@Porcelaine it shouldn't matter who I am I just stated my opinion.
Okay but the fact that I don't want intimate contact for now doesn't mean I'm afraid of it.
You are right.I made it clear to her I just broke up so things will be very slow paced for a while, she laughed and said that hopefully they'll get a bit quickier.
well you want that physical touch to feel nice and enjoyable, she wants it to be welcomed well too. if it's too soon and too weird don't rush it, this is the dating stage where everything is still very fragile so if you start doing something that doesn't feel right just to catch up to her speed it will not make anything better. let her be patient, if she likes you she will give you the time to come around and be at the point where the physical touch and closeness is a pleasure for you. the beginning of a relationship, if you really like someone usually those first few touches are full of butterflies and just magical and memorable. Perhaps it will not be this way with her, but at least try to wait until it feels normal. it might be longer than you think depending how serious your last relationship was.
Thanks for MHO's!!
Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions
I think it depends on the situation.In my case I already told her I need time and there will be nothing of sorts for a while, and she accepted it.
That's awesome! Open communication in a relationship prevents a lot of issues from ever becoming issues. Good job!
👍 I have been clear and honest with it from the beginning to avoid misunderstandings and to let her weight it and decide if it was okay for her or preferred to not go further.
👍 It's actually how I want her to behave with me
She is comfortable but I'm not, I like her but I turn down her avances
talk to her and feel that your clear for her
That is not valid unit of distance.
Any thing is possible if you try, not really but yeah, this is more then possible, we got the technology
I don't think you see my point.
I don't think you see My point
@Wolframium 23 inches
No, that is not valid unit of distance.