I used to be proud of myself for having low standards, but when I see women with the type of men I want or going after what I like I get insanely jealous. Like for example, I was going to date this guy who was in and out of homelessness, but then he told me he wasn't into black women and just wanted a quick one night stand after I fucking offered to PayPal him some money so he could get food, and all the women he wanted didn't want him because he was nerdy and broke. I tried this with another guy, he was 6 years older than me, a dropout, and worked at a fast food place and I planned on being the one who makes all the money, and rebuild his credit so he didn't have to work in the future, but he started telling me strange thoughts he had about very young girls and his se%xual thoughts about his family members and other scary sh! t. Sometimes I feel lucky that we didn't meet. I think he would of ra%ped me or at least think about it.
I don't want to be seen as shallow and superficial and I feel like I am too ugly, fat, to go for the guys I want so I actively go for broke, self-hating guys and then things never work out.
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