What do you guys think- how do you deal with learning important info if you are just in the early stages of getting to know a love interest?

[CallMeDave]

If I'm understanding your question correctly, you're asking about someone you meet in daily life and are considering dating, not someone you encounter on a dating site. On a dating site, I think it's reasonable to ask questions about most deal breakers before agreeing to a date because the whole point of being there is to meet someone to date. Maybe some exotic sexual kinks should wait until after a couple of dates, but a lot of things I think can be discussed during the initial exchange of information while you're trying to determine if you want to go on a date.

Someone you meet in daily life though is trickier, especially when it's someone you'll likely be seeing again or that knows other people you know. Asking too many or very deeply personal questions doesn't look good in that situation and could scare someone away that might be a good partner just because they feel that it's too invasive and too much too soon.

In that situation, what I think I would try to do is look for opportunities to steer a normal conversation to some of the areas you're interested in finding out more about and hope that the person will volunteer information that you're looking for. Of course, it's pretty difficult to steer a normal conversation with someone you barely know to whether they like being tied up hanging from the ceiling and whipped, but if you just want to know whether they want children or not or other things that can reasonably be discussed with someone you don't know very well, then you can probably find out a lot without having to explicitly ask questions just by bringing up topics during normal discussion that allows them an opportunity to share the information you want to know.

Otherwise, I think you might have to wait until you've developed more of a relationship before asking too many questions so that the person doesn't get offended by feeling like they're the subject of an inquisition.

[JackSmy]

There could be all kinds of things, and compatibility issues, and so on, and on.
I just start with a smile, and simple things, like making sure she feels comfortable! Early on, like first dates, it can seem like the other is interrogating you, and wanting to know too much, too fast!! That scares some off!
I'm older, yes, and what I have found, is that if you take your time, and just learn a few interesting things, maybe one really important thing, and three lesser important things, on a date, that's great.
Both of you wanting another date, that's better! More time to get to know each other, and suggest a different place to eat, or different food, to see what the other likes, or hates; maybe an activity, like a nature center, in the fall, looking at the colored leaves?
I take my time, with dates, wanting to get to know her, as a person, and don't have any expectations on anything at all, except getting to know her, and if we share things, and she likes me.
No offense, but don't overthink it, OK? Just be YOU, and date, and have fun, and just enjoy the time, and experience, and not overthink or worry about future things. When you find the RIGHT person, somehow all those issues and fears and questions just get worked out.

[mrfoox]

I usually say it when it feels right. Depending on how I meet them. If it's through an dating app I usually mention it more early, because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I want something serious, it's my goal to be here, don't see why I shouldn't let it be known. If it's in person it is more uncertain. I try to be an open person in general, but I don't talk about my dating preferences the first week of getting to know someone like that. If it feels natural and the person feels easy to talk to, I'll take it up sooner rather than later. But in general I think it all depends on the situation

[Desconhecida]

That was a complicated issue you asked. For one, if you connect with someone you should be able to talk to them about anything. On the other side, you can scare them off by being too blunt.

Here's what I'd do. I wouldn't wait until it's too late to find out I wasted my time liking someone with no possible future however I'd start giving him hints and asking more questions about him during the conversation. Even if you aren't going out yet, try paying attention to his behavior over video calls.

Have no fear to find out the truth. Put yourself first and dig deep.

[Lliam]

All I need is attraction to ask someone out on a date. A date isn't a commitment. It's not necessarily a prelude to sex. It's during dates that we have conversations. During those conversations, we get to know more about each other. If conversations flow, we learn about each other quicker. As we get to know them better, we can gradually introduce topics that are important to us and see how the person responds. Do they withdraw, get uneasy or defensive, or are they inquisitive or even enthusiastic? What you're asking is how to get to know someone, right?

An initial date might be to dinner. Dates can also be to fun things like concerts, clubs or places where we get to know what kinds of things we enjoy. But at some point, I like taking dates to more romantic settings like a picnic at a botanical garden or a walk on the beach near sunset. Its places like that were two people are more likely to have deeper, more intimate conversations.

And NEVER is sex owed or expected. I mean, if we don't hold hands, put our arms around each other, kiss, cuddle, and stuff like that, it's a sign that things aren't going well. But I let the woman set the pace when it comes to actual sex. She sends the signals from day one. Is she stand off-ish, coy, shy, flirty, open, honest, sincere, a good kisser, tactile, uninhibited, sexy? If she eventually invites me to come in when I drop her off at her place, or if she agrees to come over to my place at night, it means that she has made a decision.

[ecfresh]

Initially when meeting someone and before the first date there seem to be basic ‘getting to know you’ questions that are acceptable yet you don’t come off as loco. These are for example:
What’s your job and where do you work?
Where do you live and what’s your living situation (house, condo.. alone or roommates)
What’s your family like?

It’s like prescreening them before the first date and if some of the answers don’t match to your basic profile of someone you want to date or hit on some red flags then you may not even get to the first date.

For the rest of the questions and learning about someone I call it ‘peeling the onion’. Over the course of time you both slowly learn more about the real person and the questions get deeper as you expose more of their past and true nature including those skeletons everyone has in their closet. Sometimes this comes with pain or slight trauma (thus the tears from an onion) as you peel back layer by layer to get to the core person. In reality it’s a trust game because there is information most of us will only disclose once we have learned to trust someone else and that information we provide over time matches our levels of trust and the emotional safety we feel with another person to not use that information as a weapon once we disclose it.

[Sevenpointfive]

this is an interesting question. i have been on three dates in my life when i didn't really know the girl that well. they obviously didn't work out lol, but that doesn't mean i have been alone.

i find that having a friendship with someone before taking the dating step is the best thing to do. sure, those didn't work out either, but they lasted longer. it's important to know compatibility right off and that's easier to do if you actually know the person on a casual basis. that's just conversation instead of interrogation.

[Sensmind]

My instant reaction is to be as open and honest as possible to hopefully smooth things over but also if it was a dealbreaker you both may get very hurt later on when a split if it happens can be very fractious.
Again it is a question of lines what is serious enough to create a huge issue is probably different for each person but if you know in your heart and soul you possess such a secret I supposes it is timing. You feel if the person gets to know you, they can live with this secret but they should still should be given chance to walk away. Depending on your nature, I would say time is when you reach the next stage, exclusive serious dating, getting physical, introducing a person to family/friends.
What I would do during the "Getting to know someone" stage is establish where this person considers the "Next Step" to a serious relationship to be and when this time approaches make sure all your and their cards are on the table.

[Kurαȷ]

I ask the important info and check all my deal-breakers before I even bother asking anyone on a date.

Avoiding topics is the #1 reason why relationships fail, and it's the #1 reason why dating right now sucks total ass.
People don't care about finding the right partner, what they care about is finding that one dumb schmuck who will hopefully stay with them once all of their inadequacies come to the surface.

It's the "me culture".

[Anonymous]

I would just enjoy the relationship at first, but keep things casual and just get to know each other. Then later on, bring up any issues you think might be a problem. Maybe you can work things out. But if not, at least you had a good time meeting someone new.

Before getting into any relationship, I highly recommend reading "Are Women the Stronger Sex?", free from obooko. It gives a lot of good advice and examples of behavioral patterns to look out for. You might get to know a guy by observing him, so maybe you won't have to ask too many questions.

After the first couple of dates, if it seems like things might progress, then I think it's fine to start talking about sex, especially if he starts to make moves on you. But please don't drink alcohol when you're with him. That way, your brain will be clear and you won't make bad choices that you'll regret afterwards.

[TadCurious]

Vivant these are difficult questions with no easy one-size-fits-all answers. But if I'm understanding you correctly, it may well be easier to broach sensitive and major compatibility topics during the "talking stage" rather than when there's more of an emotional commitment. The problem for me is delineating the talking stage from something more. I wish I could give you some helpful advice but I really don't think I have anything definitive to offer.

[0112358]

I voted E but would start dating faster.
there could be scenarios where it would work differently. For instance if you’re friends first you might talk more early. Or if you’re online friends who sort of flirt and it would require a lot of logistics to real life date you might talk a lot first to see how worthwhile it is.

[Jamie05rhs]

It's never too soon for me because I don't have hangups about stuff like that. I'm a very open person. It's probably different for others, though. It all depends on the individual's personal preferences regarding their own privacy and how much information they want to divulge. But I totally understand your question and I know how you feel.

[Jjpayne]

It's asking the right questions but not too many at once. The movie the dating project actally came up with a limit number of questions to ask on a first date

[maxmoody1986]

Again you'll be honest you communicate you talk together what is it supposed to work as one that's what a real relationship / marriage is teamwork

[Lightning8]

As soon as possible. When you know what you want, and express it well and articulately, freely and openly, that's giving what is perhaps a rare gift of telling someone who you are on some of the most fundamental levels. When they see consistency like that, and therefore truth from the begining, that strengthens the foundation of trust.

[Exorcist_Rampage]

Ah, what a love bird you posted?

I think people should balance their time and make sure they get along on important things. Just 1 difference can be a deal breaker if it is bad enough for some like the pro life vs pro choice debate.

[AynonOMouse]

I don't know, it would be easier to just have them fill out a form with point values assigned to each category for how important each thing is to you. lol Seriously, that would make it easier on both people. I don't know why people don't do that.

[Irishman41]

I suggest if a date gets sexual, dont have full sex until its talked about. His reaction will tell u a lot.

[ZackBan]

People are not just faces they're stories and these stories are the main reason for attraction so I'm definitely gonna want to know the person I meet as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to start talking about sex because a lot of men want to have sex early in a relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he shouldn't have sex.

[Philyouup]

Well Ms Viv, when you feel the trust level is there. when is that? who knows? we are all different, no set rules other than , get to know them. is that Mr Mister? fine looking chap!

[Scarecrow13]

Yea I have been thinking about this as I have the same concerns. I am worried my current relationship may have certain comparability issues that I saw signs of early on but wanted be sure first.

[Robertcw]

I'd love to know this myself. This is an area where I always struggle a lot.