I've been the one suggesting things for us to do; for example, it's always me who texts or calls her, or I'll suggest we do something in the evening like cook together or watch a film.

Good evening.

I've recently been giving a lot of thought to a whole range of important choices I'm going to have to make soon, and I've been giving a lot of thought about my girlfriend.

I've been with her for over a year now, and she's a wonderfully intelligent, creative and beautiful girl, and I consider myself extremely fortunate to be the lucky guy. But over the course of our relationship, I've recently realized that overwhelmingly, I've been the one suggesting things for us to do; for example, it's always me who texts or calls her, or I'll suggest we do something in the evening like cook together or watch a film.

The problem that I have, the thought that has been growing in my mind is, shouldn't a relationship be about balance? I need to feel loved too!

I'm concerned because I care deeply for her. Recently it seems to me that she, to put it perhaps a little bluntly, has put not much effort into the relationship. We've not done anything physical for over a month, as I mentioned I'm always the one suggesting things to do, and I feel like I need to have a proper conversation with her about some of the more intangible feelings I'm getting from the relationship as it stands at the moment - I get the impression, whether right or wrong, that she doesn't seem to care as much about me as I do for her :( occasionally I tell her how much I love her and care for her, but whenever I do this she'll either say 'i love you too', or the other week she simply went 'mmm'. She's been doing quite a lot of work for university, and she told me she needs to get it done. She also mentioned homesickness when I asked her if anything is wrong. It's far more complex then I can explain in enough detail, but my question is this: do girls often treat guys in this way? If so, what can I do to keep her?

I make an effort to do the things that any decent boyfriend would do, and I treat her well and love her to bits. But what am I supposed to do when there's almost an emotional 'deadlock' for lack of a better word to describe it? Sometimes conversation simply peters out, and again overwhelmingly it seems like I'm the one motoring conversation.

We've always worked well together in the past and I'm at a loss as to what's going on here. I get the feeling that she may not realize the negative effect of her not communicating with me, initiating basic things in a relationship, and not sharing with me that basic human need fto feel loved and accepted.

This isn't the kind of thing she'd do out of maliciousness for some reason, but my instinct tells me something isn't right and I dearly wish she would tell me what's wrong so we can work through it, rather than having to almost communicate based on instincts that we gather from one another.

How can I go about asking her to reciprocate the feeling? She's the kind of person who hates to cause anybody grief. Might this be holding her back from telling me that our relationship should change, or even stop altogether? :(

Any other advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated! Will get back to your comment in the morning!
I don't know why it's changed my title to that, but still need opinions! Thanks :)


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's hard, I don't know too much about long term relationships but it seems like you guys have hit a wall. Either you discuss the problems you're feeling and get past it and become closer or you decide that the relationship has just gone it's course. I really think you just need to talk to her and tell her how you're feeling, you've been together a year so a conversation like that shouldn't scare her or anything.

    • Yeah, that's some solid advice some friends have told me too.

      I have realized how the affection tends to be 'me to her', and it's actually feels quite bad inside not getting the feeling mirrored. She can be so hard to read sometimes - but maybe you're right, I should just discuss this with her directly, bite the bullet, so to speak. I think what's held me back from just talking about 'us' so far is the fear she's waiting for me to initiate it, once again, before she gives me the bad news. :(

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • I was in a long long relationship of 5 years with a guy that never seemed have any opinions or emotions whatsoever. If I asked what should we eat, the reply was always... whatever you want. In fact that was the reply to everything I ever asked him. He never did anything wrong per say... which is why I had a hard time leaving, he didn't cheat, didn't yell, didn't disrespect me, had a decent job... but it was like having a dog to follow me around and not a man that added to my life.

    Different people have different needs. I NEED my partner to express his feelings and is not scared to throw suggestions or advice out. I need a man who can teach me things and get me to explore life in ways that I wouldn't have before. There is nothing wrong with a guy that doesn't do these things, some men are very happy following their women around (and visa versa) but that makes him incompatible in a long term relationship with ME. You did the mature thing and talked to her about it, and if nothing changed, maybe you two are just not compatible.

    • Thanks for your comment! (:

      We actually broke up last week...

      I realize that when I was with her I was very much cocooned, almost, and in being with her I felt a sense of protection and happiness. I realize now that was superficial, and whatever interest we had in the other started to fade probably a while before we broke up. I'm glad I realized what was happening and gave her the opportunity to talk, because she, I feel, found it hard to say what she needed to tell me.

    • That's great! Not that breaking up is great, it is never pleasant, but that you both realized that maybe you two weren't right for each other. I didn't have it that easy, I completely broke that boy's heart when I finally left, which made it all the harder. Just take this breakup as a lesson in relationships, now you know better what to look for in a person.

    • To be perfectly honest, the whole experience has left me in a bit of a mess. Looking for a job after uni (which is very difficult atm) doesn't help either. I'm hoping I won't slide into the depression trap! Thanks for your advice though. :)

  • I'm going through something similar right now! I always have to text and call first, and I think if I didn't make plans, he and I would never hang out :/ sorry I know this is nt an answer, I just wanted to tell you that I'm in the same boat.


What Guys Said 1

  • I agree with bombshell13. it's pretty obvious she's probably getting bored and if you haven't done anything physically, then it's definitely getting boring for her. I'd talk to her and see what's up. if anything you can always be friends. just talk to her though.

    • Cheers man. It turns out we broke up after we talked about this stuff face to face - not sure she was 'bored' but just feeling guilty she didn't feel the spark of love which I still felt towards her. It explains a lot, lol. Thanks for the reply anyway :)