How to change your mindset?

- Males generally have to take a more active role, otherwise they'll end up alone. (I'm not saying it's right; it's just the way it still mostly is.)
Are you relying on fate? Because that 'you'll meet one when you stop looking' is really mostly a platitude to make people feel better. To put it out of one's mind feels a bit better, more comfortable, than sitting in the uncomfortablness of wanting.
I would suggest an attitude of, 'I should be more open to what may happen', which is to say that you'll have to look up, look around, keep your eyes and ears open, and then train yourself to be active and spontaneous, should anything strike your fancy (that's interest.) Let some instinct guide you. Sometimes if some-one-or-thing is very appealing, it can bust through the more logical, thinking wall side of you, and spur action.
You need to practice this a bit. Learn to become comfortable with some idle, random chit chat. Don't make a big deal out of it, just make a comment about the surroundings, the weather, a compliment about an item that someone is wearing, or if it's online, something a person wrote... just try and get in the groove of being open and getting to know people. And try and have fun with it. You seem a bit blocked right now, but that can change.Is this still revelant?What really confuses me is when is the right time to ask a girl out and do you have to be friends with a girl just to date/ask her out?
Ok, read through most of your other exchanges. So you've met a girl now, eh? That's good. You have a goal, something to inspire you. That is way, way better than some vague, theoretical motivation.
"When is the right time?" In terms of a high success rate, or in terms of some sort of morality or possibly offending the girl? (Guess they're sort of related, anyway.)
"Do you have to be friends with her first?" Well a lot of guys will tell you to avoid the 'dreaded friend zone' like the plague. It's no-man's land. But that's a bit too cut and dry. It's not that bad. All scenarios happen. But you will have a much higher rate of her saying yes if she gets to know you a bit first. So talk, share, express yourself, and don't make your interest only physical. She's going to need more than that, that you are choosing her for who she is, and you need to tell her why or what you like about her. If you choose not to spend a bunch of time getting to know each other in a friendly way, it lowers the odds of a 'yes', but you also will have the advantage of not becoming too heavily invested in people whom you don't know reciprocate the feelings or not. I know guys who get very invested and are left hanging, or disappointed. So patience is important, but not so much that it drives you crazy. Only you can decide that balance.
The main thing I would impart to you - as long as you are a good and decent guy, a nice human being, with reasonable intentions, than it is never the wrong time. The girl's reaction (if bad) is not your concern. Which will probably be very, very difficult for you to accept, but it's true.
Don't get all mixed up in advice you'll hear from some guys, about how you could get slapped with a sexual assault charge or something. Come on, have a level head. You're not going to physically jump some girl. What we are talking about is a basic human desire and experience that has been going on for millennia. It's more intricate nowadays, sure, but in asking someone out, showing interest, the only thing really at stake is your heart, and ego (no small thing, I know - I mean that sincerely.) I don't know how people do it, but they just do. They just have. All these humans walking around, they got here the same way.
I've asked out or shown interest in a bunch of guys. I dated for a decade and I'm married for two decades now, still with one guy. I honestly don't remember the rejections. I only remember the ones who said 'yes.'
I believe that the meaning of life is simply to make your way, earn a living, make some money so that you can enjoy life... and hopefully contribute something to the world. It would be great if that was creating something, building something, having a new idea, but you can also do it by having an impact on people you meet. Just because you're shy, and/or have prioritized other things in life for a while, doesn't mean that you are any less worthy of finding someone to love and who appreciates you. Girls are very, very fortunate that they get approached a lot more. Sorry you have to do more work. And it'll be a guess when to make a move. And online and digital communication makes it much, much harder to find out what they are thinking. But you said you met a girl, so maybe it's in person, and that's good, very good.- Show All Show Less
People do get rejected and it stings, but it's something we all have to go through in order to find something good, hopefully you'll have more than one special connection with someone. Even if it only lasts a few months, I am a supporter of that. One-night stands don't add much to your life at all, but people who stick around, they can be good memories to have, many years later down the road. You, like many people, need to learn to frame things in your mind so that you do not catastrophize. That's a psychological term that's important to keep in mind.
I don't know your details at all, but I know that you will regret a life not lived, without risk. With each risk or strategic decision that turns out, you can become stronger. And don't look at setbacks as failures. I'm not going to write some platitudes about perseverance. I don't like those, but remember that people at the end of their life say the same thing - "I wish I had..." and it's always something they didn't do, not the things they did. We value our risks more.
You are in your prime, physically. Men do often get even better with age, but you will never be 27 again. It is quite easy to find something appealing about people in this age bracket - you've had some life experience, you have energy, and your exterior shell is the best it will probably ever look. So go out there and take hold of your life. Carpe diem.
(And if you still need some inspiration, get yourself pumped with some music you love. That also helps.
This is a good song for guys. Even I get pumped sometimes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3xcybdis1k)
Most Helpful Girl
- That is not a mindset that you need to change. That is just something that you have to accept. If you are not ready for a serious relationship, then you have to go at a pace that works for you. You're not missing out on anything. And I can safely tell you that as I've been single my entire life. And until you are at a place where you don't think about that, not saying that you won't have him patience, then that's when things actually do get better. But in the meantime, you have to take the initiative yourself that actually mango and get to know people. Befriend women, get to know them as friends, and see if there is compatibility there. You don't have to ask out strangers, definitely don't because you don't know what you're picking up and you may regret even thinking about it. But you still got to put in the effort to make friends. If you have female friends, and you're compatible, get to know them a bit more and see if they mutually agree. If not, then you move on and you make some new friends. It's your choice to not engage and make friends, it's the choice to engage and get to know people. But don't just hop to any girl you see just because they look pretty and attractive or nice. Really get to know people regardless of many different stages. You never know who you met me, but you got to be at a place where your focus is not on a woman. Your goal is at the future. As you walk towards that future, that person should be walking towards that future with you. Don't allow women to try to sway you every other way that you are not supposed to go. Stick to the straight and narrow path.Is this still revelant?
Avoid the ones who will put you onto trouble. Most today ate trouble. Of somebody haven't shown themselves to be worthy don't bother. This is not the 90s or 80s. Its 2020 as many say, it's worse. That is why you befriend people and get to know them, then see if dating is possible. Many followed my advice and did find partners eventually.
- Show All Show Less
Its just this whole "focus on yourself" sounds like im turning into an incel who loves violence and should join the MGTOW
That's on you. Patience is key. If you want to rush out there then go ahead. There is no such thing as an incel. It is a CHOICE. And I'm pretty sure your not impotent, disfigured beyond repair, a eunuch, mentally or physically disabled for you to be a incel. What are your intent for dating and being involved with a woman. What have you accomplished so for to attract one into your life? What do you have to offer not just the woman in question, but the relationship? And what is your ambitions regarding one? Do you want marriage, kids? How about your sexual beliefs? You can't fool around with this. You have think about this stuff. If all you've been doing all these years is wallowing in self-pity, then you're not doing yourself any favors, and is wasting time. That's the difference between a man who is active in his life and eventually finding a partner, vs a man who is depressed, does nothing and still have no partner. It applies to women as well. So figure out how you want to live your life.
What it isn't that you're focusing too much self-pity and oh no woman wants to pay attention to me, oh no I wish I would have done this coming oh no I wish you would have done that, instead of getting off your ass excuse my French oh, and doing something in your life that makes a woman even bothered to be interested in you. But if you're not making any female friends and getting to know people, and only want to get to know us if you want to chase skirt, or if we look attractive to you, then you're just going to get yourself stuck. If you're laziness that's going to leave you single. Nobody else.
I want to make female friends and practice socializing. But I thought there is nothing wrong with liking a girl. Isn't that natural? You can't help how you feel.
You're an adult, you're not a teenager or child anymore. That's why a lot of people are immature when they get older and they can't hold and maintain serious relationships because they haven't learned from anything. Is left to do a practice socializing, but it's about being intentional with your life. Because if you're not intentional, remember you are inviting someone else in your life, and you may end up not only hurting yourself, you're going to end up hurting another person. That's why you got to take it seriously remember you only liking what you see, you don't know what you're dealing with below the surface. That's why you got to get to know a person, because of the things that you see on the surface, changes over time, and it was going to happen when you don't like it anymore? What happens when they stop liking you? That's why you got to take it seriously. Because it's only temporary. Those things come and go. That's why you can't put too much importance in it.
It was plenty of guys that seem likable on the surface, but at the end of the day, if they were going to be a hindrance in my life, it won't matter how much I can find myself liking a person, that person is not for my life. In truth we can't help what you like. You may be attracted to something or somebody, but remember it's only temporary. That's a lot of people end up in serious trouble and end up with the wrong kind of partners because they put too much importance on the very things that are not as important. So you got to decide whether or not you want a stable relationship, or just a casual ones. The type of people you end up attracting are all going to be based on your choices. Think of it like a video game where you have to determine the path you will go or the character's fate. The choices that you make in your selection, determines what type of ending you going to get. A good ending, bad ending, or a secret ending.
Just because of our life operates as if it's a game, that doesn't mean that it is one. And that's why you can't afford to treat it like one.
How do i be more "intentional? I'm also socially anxious too which prevents me to try and do nothing
You see how you were able to intentionally reply back to messages and comments on here? That's the same thing that you got to do out in real world. You being socially awkward is not an excuse. You just using it as an excuse because you're afraid. But you have to understand is that it's okay to be afraid, but it's not okay to allow fear control you. I have always been told I was shy since I was little, but if I really wanted to get to know people, I would make the effort to do so. And if they wanted to get to know me, they will put the same effort. If they didn't, then they will mock me, reject mean, and keep it moving. At the end of the day, I had to learn to continue to love myself. That wanted to get to know me, as I said before did. So again you got to be in a place, where you attract the right kind of people. But until you gain a conference where you're okay being by yourself, a lot of people are going to sense that intimidation, and may not want to approach because of the negative energy you put off.
Don't put the cart before the horse. Because now you are rushing the process and that's how you going to end up with problems and it's bad enough you don't even know what in the world you need to do. You find us out before you decide to date. Not after. That's a quick way to failure. Other people are not going to give a damn. You have to give a damn. So don't try to follow other people. Listen, and he'd what I'm telling you. Because it's bad enough you're ready anxious enough. And I'm telling you this my experience as an anxious person myself, you don't want to go that route like other people. Because you're not like other people. Your you. Having the mindset of wanting to just get it done and over with ain't going to help you in the long wrong. Patience is a virtue.
That's what they all say because most are not there for a serious relationship. They want to fool around and have fun even if it's detrimental to them and yourself. That's why I hate modern dating.
Well look, you do as you please. I'm only giving you the answers. Hopefully, you find what your looking for.
it sounds like you want me to get to know the person before I decide if I want to date her.
That's what you should do. Because if you just date a person before getting to know them, you may end up hurting the other person as well as yourself. If you don't care about that, then again, fine. But at least tell the person so they can make up their mind. A relationship is not about you, it is about the other person. It's only respectful because you don't want to be selfish.
Why do you think I ask you those questions for you to answer for yourself? Because if you already knew what you wanted and needed to do, you wouldn't be single for so long. You would have had somebody by now.
Don't get me wrong, I've met lots of nice girls while just being myself but never asked one out. I swear, one time a girl said "hi" to me and I wanted to talk to her. I replied hi back, but backed out. Fear got to me
Their strangers. What do you expect? Ask out, strangers? You would have asked. But you didn't. As strangers, they owe you nothing. And your reasons were wrong. That's why you backed out. Not because you were scared, but because you feared rejection. It's part of life. I'm sure they would have gotten to know you, but if they didn't want to date, you would have felt dejected even worse. That's why I told you BEFRIEND them. And you didn't do that.
If your true DESIRE is to get to know the person, you didn't get to know them. You leave them feeling disappointed, unworthy, and unwanted. When I have so many people say so and so like me, I ask them. "WHO?" -So and so, they say. And I end up saying after seeing the person in question, "I don't know this person." -Well, so and so wants to talk to you. So I ask the one I am speaking to "Then why does he not come and talk to me?" So they say that that person says they wanted me to come to speak to them. And I must ask "Come speak to them about what?" You see how this goes? If you don't take the initiative to know the intent of your desires, you leave others thinking that you're not serious. When I see my self freezing up, there is a GOOD REASON why I do. It often means that it's not the proper time, OR they are not the right kind of people for me to interact with. And I tend to be 99.9% correct. Listen to your gut. If YOU WANTED to talk, go talk. It's that simple. Asking people out when you don't know them is enough to God forbid make you feel like your intent is being questioned. That's why you have to know yourself, foremost before you LOSE yourself in other people. Learn to LOVE yourself, accept that you are not like other people, and go at your own pace.
Of course, you have a conversation. But don't have unrealistic expectations, remember that they are people too. Befriending people makes you more likable.
Is there a way to tell when someone is interested after I start talking to them? I also have mild autism
No. Because it can be anything. These days women flirt for the fun and hell of it. You can never truly gauge a person's interest just by body language along. Because many women go by their feelngs and then sometimes switch up the next if you don't make us 'feel' a certain way. That's why you befriend them first for a long while and then date them. By you being autistic, you definitely have to take your time, because of your symptoms. You don't want to play with that because the psychological damages are worse than for the rest of us who doesn't struggle with that. She has to understand who you are, what you struggling with and you have to be CAREFUL because plenty of females out there likes to manipulate. There is a reason why so many are leaving the 'dating market'. What I say is out of love and care, not to hinder or hurt you.
Tell them what you would like, but, stay friends for a while and get to know them that way. That way, you two will have less to fall back on in case dating is not for you, and you can move on to others who are more compatible with you.
Then I guess there's no such thing as asking a girl out if you're just going to be friends with them. Someone told me that if I just try to be a girls friend when I really did want to ask her out, she'll think I was using her
Yes, of course, because when you want to date somebody it's out of selfish intent. That's where the using comes in because you want what you want and you don't care or think about the other's wellbeing. Plenty of couples were friends before dating and eventually marrying. If you don't tell others what your intent is and what are your beliefs in dating, she will not date a person who isn't right for her. That's why I had asked you are you looking to be SERIOUS or PLAYING AROUND.
Being friends is the rule. Because she can date you and still not want to see you afterward because we have to weed out bad partners. Dating is about PROCESSING and ELIMINATING. Just because we do not come with a list of rules physically, that doesn't mean we don't have them in our memory bank. Your being tested the moment we see you.Your not going to get 'crap passed the radar' with us. If you're coming into our territory with schemes and plotting, know that we do have security systems in place. We don't just hop out into public without expecting a guy is going to approach us. We tend to be ever prepared unless they're just like you. Ever time you come talk to us, we always ask 'why is he here?' or 'is this guy going to ask me out?' regardless of what she thinks of see of you. Unless you are already sexually attractive to certain women, have what they want and desire to depend [not just physically] and they want you themselves, remember one thing: they have their own agenda in mind TOO. What you do in public builds reputation. And everybody everywhere is and will be watching [for the observative spectators], not just her. So think long and hard about forgoing what I am saying for what you want. This is why you always catch us staring, murmuring and confiding in other women, etc. Just like men. You do the same judging our worthy by sexual appearance and appetite [aka, would you bang us/not] women are getting tired of the mindset and rather take it seriously. Those who don't are usually after the same thing you do. That means if you want sex, so does she. And that's usually it. This means your ability to be a sexual partner to her is contingent on your ability to please her in every way, shape, or form [buying her gifts, being sexually pleasing, telling her what she wants to hear, compliments, etc] In other words feeding her ego. I am a woman and I am telling you how it goes on in the real world, I will not sugarcoat it for you while others will.
then i guess I should be friends with a girl for a month before asking her out, or to the point where she's comfortable talking to me or she's interested
I think i should take the time to figure this out on my own and I'll get back to you once this improves
Good. You don't have to get back to me with anything. You already figured it out on your own. Dating should NOT be a secret. But do NOT be so quick to ditch a girl just because she wants to be friends. Some are not ready to take that step and they have to make sure you're the right person first. It's out of care and safety for the both of you. Because if a girl straight up says she doesn't want to date you or will never date you, that's absolution. She will not even leave any room for speculation. If you feel there is, that often means she feels the same but it may not be a good idea or not the right timing. That's why you don't want to rush it. You can tell her you want to date eventually, but if yourself a few months to a year first and see how you work as friends. Remember, a lover is also a BEST FRIEND.
Remember you have to desire to be the right kind of man for her because you don't want to be dating a person who isn't even compatible with you and what you want. Such as different religions or faith, you want premarital sex, she doesn't. You will have much conflict and none of you shouldn't compromise your values or standards. That's why you don't want to rely on looks, personality, and shared interest ALONE. It can and will deceive you. If you find that they don't make much great friends, why have them for a partner? Let alone marry them? You see the pattern here? That's how many end up in bitter relationships and poor marriages and bad dating history. You have known people today. It's not like the 1800s where people all knew each other from top to bottom unless you were new in town when the population wasn't that high. You can date them or be married for years and still not know them. That's why it's important that you have that connection first.
Nope. There is no such thing as chemistry, man. You MAKE it happen. It takes work and effort. This means: you don't just buy a piece of land thinking your going to profit off of it if you have nothing to build or grow. Your given materials to get started: wood, ax, seeds, basic tools, some limited money, etc. There is no HOUSE, TREE, GRASS, CROPS, ANIMALS, VEHICLES, ETC for you to LIVE off of. This is what builds relationships. And you have to start fresh every single time unless somebody already did the work. But now you have to contribute for the rest. Get it?
Kind of. Is it ok to ask a girl out once you finally get to know her and the conversation goes well?
Tell her in the beginning when meeting her, but say you want to be slow and get to know each other. If she refuses because she thinks its stupid, that's when you know she is not for you or wouldn't respect you. If she agrees, that means your placeholding a possible dating relationship until you build together as friends. But set boundaries, only date when you two see compatibility and is ready to take those steps. If she is fooling around with other men, drop it IMMEDIATELY. Remember you two made a PROMISE. And that is a red flag.
This is overcomplicated. What the fuck happened to just liking a girl, you get to know her, you ask her out?
Because you can't just like anybody if you don't even know why you liked them in the first place. Women need reassurance she is with the right man, and oftentimes people get into relationships off of feelings, hormones, and emotions without even thinking about this. This wasn't like that decades ago. It only become more complicated because modern society CHANGED the landscape because many of our traditional standards were 'religious'. Since most people are not religious and don't believe in God or the Bible and gospel, now its' however way goes. And this is why infidelity is high and so is divorce. Being single is hard. But being involved is HARDER. It's not for everyone. The bible speaks about this for a good reason and nobody wants to take it seriously. That's why you have to study history. It wasn't until the renaissance era when things began changing, then feminism made it worse. Now everybody is lost on what to do.
Most Helpful Guys
- I think that you started using "just let it happen" as an excuse to bail out when a moment does happen bc you're afraid of rejection. Best advice I can give you is when a moment like that does happen, you have to let yourself let it happen. Ykwim. Just breath and chill and talk to a girl if you're interested in her and just know you're not talking to a GIRL lol. Your talking to a girl. A human being.Is this still revelant?
Rejection is so hard to face and when you do get rejected it makes you overthink what went wrong
Well I can give another piece of advice that my help. If you watch porn stop. Its fucking your brain chemistry up real bad and therefore your confidence. If do watch porn look up nofap on YouTube or on google. I promise it's real not some pseudoscience bullshit. Hope this helps
- Show All Show Less
Any amount isn't good. But I don't know man that's just my opinion of your situation. When it comes down to it when your in the moment of talking to a girl you like dont block any anxiety or feeling. That's what causes it in the first place. Breath, let yourself feel anything, and be in the moment not your head.
To tell you the truth, I met a girl a few days ago that I like but I was afraid to ask her out 😔
I say just make your self do it. You've only got a set amount of time that fate has for you so you might as well shoot for it so you can know if you should be spending that time elsewhere. And if it works w her that's great. Time is precious.
I'll try that. Also, how do you "be in the moment" like for example there's an awkward pause?
- You gotta talk to new people and get over your fear.Is this still revelant?
Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions
What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!Related Questions
What Girls & Guys Said
01- Anonymous1 yWhy would you want to change that? Look how peaceful the last 7 years of your life has been lol.
Honestly you really don't need to search women out. They're all over the place like litter lol. All you need to do is take that sign off that you're wearing that says " go away". I haven't approached a woman in 20 years. It's very doubtful i"ll ever do it again. But that doesn't stop women from approaching me.ReactLike
Helpful
Funny
Disagree
1 Person
Yeah but im 27 and I'm still alone, nothing new in my life. What the fuck is going on? I feel like I missed out. Whoeved said things will fall into place should die
- Opinion Owner1 y
I feel your pain man. And for what it's worth i was right where you are when i was your age.
All i can say is don't put so much importance in women. Most really are trash. You really aren't missing out on anything with them.
But nonetheless make yourself visible, make yourself available. have a good time, and the women will seek you out. Trust me. Can it just happen already? Gee, I wonder what's going to be new in 2021? how about a date or something?
The only opinion from girls was selected the Most Helpful Opinion, but you can still contribute by sharing an opinion!
Related myTakes
Learn more
AI Bot Choice
Superb Opinion