How to change your mindset?

Question

so apparently I have this mindset of "not looking" for a girlfriend and for about 7 years now I kind of focused on myself with hobbies and work. And every time I see a girl, I wish I could talk or say something and then I tend to overthink and tell myself "ignore it, focus on other things" because you'll meet a girl when you stop looking right? (I've never asked a girl out or anything). Will a girl appear out the blue when im not looking? im anxious to even approach a girl who looks at me and smiles and I immediatly think going up to a girl considered "chasing" or being needy or hell, even just talking to a girl that you like sounds the same thing as "looking". How do i change this mindset and stop thinking like that?

Answer 1

AmandaYVR | 1.4K opinions shared on Dating topic.

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Males generally have to take a more active role, otherwise they'll end up alone. (I'm not saying it's right; it's just the way it still mostly is.)
Are you relying on fate? Because that 'you'll meet one when you stop looking' is really mostly a platitude to make people feel better. To put it out of one's mind feels a bit better, more comfortable, than sitting in the uncomfortablness of wanting.
I would suggest an attitude of, 'I should be more open to what may happen', which is to say that you'll have to look up, look around, keep your eyes and ears open, and then train yourself to be active and spontaneous, should anything strike your fancy (that's interest.) Let some instinct guide you. Sometimes if some-one-or-thing is very appealing, it can bust through the more logical, thinking wall side of you, and spur action.
You need to practice this a bit. Learn to become comfortable with some idle, random chit chat. Don't make a big deal out of it, just make a comment about the surroundings, the weather, a compliment about an item that someone is wearing, or if it's online, something a person wrote... just try and get in the groove of being open and getting to know people. And try and have fun with it. You seem a bit blocked right now, but that can change.

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1 Person

Rocknroll93

1 y
What really confuses me is when is the right time to ask a girl out and do you have to be friends with a girl just to date/ask her out?
AmandaYVR

1 y
Ok, read through most of your other exchanges. So you've met a girl now, eh? That's good. You have a goal, something to inspire you. That is way, way better than some vague, theoretical motivation.

"When is the right time?" In terms of a high success rate, or in terms of some sort of morality or possibly offending the girl? (Guess they're sort of related, anyway.)
"Do you have to be friends with her first?" Well a lot of guys will tell you to avoid the 'dreaded friend zone' like the plague. It's no-man's land. But that's a bit too cut and dry. It's not that bad. All scenarios happen. But you will have a much higher rate of her saying yes if she gets to know you a bit first. So talk, share, express yourself, and don't make your interest only physical. She's going to need more than that, that you are choosing her for who she is, and you need to tell her why or what you like about her. If you choose not to spend a bunch of time getting to know each other in a friendly way, it lowers the odds of a 'yes', but you also will have the advantage of not becoming too heavily invested in people whom you don't know reciprocate the feelings or not. I know guys who get very invested and are left hanging, or disappointed. So patience is important, but not so much that it drives you crazy. Only you can decide that balance.

The main thing I would impart to you - as long as you are a good and decent guy, a nice human being, with reasonable intentions, than it is never the wrong time. The girl's reaction (if bad) is not your concern. Which will probably be very, very difficult for you to accept, but it's true.
AmandaYVR

1 y
Don't get all mixed up in advice you'll hear from some guys, about how you could get slapped with a sexual assault charge or something. Come on, have a level head. You're not going to physically jump some girl. What we are talking about is a basic human desire and experience that has been going on for millennia. It's more intricate nowadays, sure, but in asking someone out, showing interest, the only thing really at stake is your heart, and ego (no small thing, I know - I mean that sincerely.) I don't know how people do it, but they just do. They just have. All these humans walking around, they got here the same way.

I've asked out or shown interest in a bunch of guys. I dated for a decade and I'm married for two decades now, still with one guy. I honestly don't remember the rejections. I only remember the ones who said 'yes.'
I believe that the meaning of life is simply to make your way, earn a living, make some money so that you can enjoy life... and hopefully contribute something to the world. It would be great if that was creating something, building something, having a new idea, but you can also do it by having an impact on people you meet. Just because you're shy, and/or have prioritized other things in life for a while, doesn't mean that you are any less worthy of finding someone to love and who appreciates you. Girls are very, very fortunate that they get approached a lot more. Sorry you have to do more work. And it'll be a guess when to make a move. And online and digital communication makes it much, much harder to find out what they are thinking. But you said you met a girl, so maybe it's in person, and that's good, very good.
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AmandaYVR

1 y
People do get rejected and it stings, but it's something we all have to go through in order to find something good, hopefully you'll have more than one special connection with someone. Even if it only lasts a few months, I am a supporter of that. One-night stands don't add much to your life at all, but people who stick around, they can be good memories to have, many years later down the road. You, like many people, need to learn to frame things in your mind so that you do not catastrophize. That's a psychological term that's important to keep in mind.

I don't know your details at all, but I know that you will regret a life not lived, without risk. With each risk or strategic decision that turns out, you can become stronger. And don't look at setbacks as failures. I'm not going to write some platitudes about perseverance. I don't like those, but remember that people at the end of their life say the same thing - "I wish I had..." and it's always something they didn't do, not the things they did. We value our risks more.

You are in your prime, physically. Men do often get even better with age, but you will never be 27 again. It is quite easy to find something appealing about people in this age bracket - you've had some life experience, you have energy, and your exterior shell is the best it will probably ever look. So go out there and take hold of your life. Carpe diem.

(And if you still need some inspiration, get yourself pumped with some music you love. That also helps.
This is a good song for guys. Even I get pumped sometimes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3xcybdis1k)
bpowel

1 y
Jesus christ hopefully he responds bc u just wrote a book for him
AmandaYVR

1 y
@bpowel He did, via pm. "That's a shitload. so yeah I guess in short I should be more outgoing and take risks even if it doesn't work out." So yeah.

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