Don i have the idea that I won’t have s lasting relationship because I drive men away. It started with my first boyfriend. He was the only man who I gave my all too and was still left, disrespected, led on, lied to, used, manipulated, and broken by. I loved him more than I loved myself and at the time I felt that I had a lot of love to give. He took everything for granted and treated me like shit even though I allowed it because I was confused about what exactly was happening and because I felt like I was influencing him to mistreat me. But still, I tried my best and I just know he did not deserve it. I think being with him is the reason for why I might push men away now. Because of him, I am torn on whether to try or to not try at all. I don’t feel like I am as kind, friendly, or loving as I used to be. I feel like my value in my own eyes diminished because of how he treated me. I don’t think anything matters, I feel very confused, and I ultimately just feel like how can I give my all a second time and hope it will work when I have already tried once and failed miserably. Another thing that really bothers me is being pushed away. When I feel pushed away in any way it flips a switch in my mind to abort. If someone makes me feel unwanted in any way, or even if the circumstances of their life make me nervous (as if I don’t fit into their life) then I feel like my stomach starts to turn in knots and I am brought back to that feeling of not being good enough.